Saturday, April 26, 2008

Penis Theft in the News

Warning…this is where we abandon family friendly posting…

Penis theft panic hits city...
KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises…

The truth has always been stranger than fiction. While this seems like a spoof headline and story ala The Onion or something; it’s not. Of course, this only gets VE wondering…

How exactly do you steal a penis anyway? We’re not talking about a wallet or a money belt here. There aren’t penis pick pockets working the local airlines in the Congo. At least I hope not. If there are, they’ll be doing some real deep pocket grabbing then.

The penis is attached folks! I know, it’s hard to believe in this modern day and age you can’t just get a detachable penis. That would be quite practical. No more woodies in the class room or at the board meeting; you could simply store it in your briefcase until later.

There could be penis exchange programs where you could “rent” a larger real penis for that big date or special occasion. Of course, that sort of brings a whole new context to that old put down “I wouldn’t f**k her with YOUR dick…”

The method for ensuring your penis is attached needs further consideration. For example, using Alan wrenches to ensure it is properly tightened down is out of the question. Nobody named Alan is going to be doing anything with my penis.

Ah, but I’ve digressed into some weird parallel universe. Where was I? Oh yes, wondering about this whole concept. What exactly do penis thieves do with their stolen goods? They’re not hard so you can’t use them as a weapon or to help stack bookshelves with. Penis carpets seem a bit squishy to me. I cannot figure it…

Now of course, further reading into the article implies that perhaps the victims just “think” their penis has disappeared. As a card carrying member of the order of penis wearers, I must have to interject that there is a simple hand test to determine if your penis is still attached.

Exactly how does one urinate if said penis has been stolen? I doubt that the thief would be kind enough to install female urination plumbing during the crime. This would be a problem. Men like the ability to use a urinal. We like to pee our name in the snow. It lets us know we are still men. Women: menstruation. Men: Pee calligraphy. Don’t mess with the equation.

Now the other dilemma is penis shrinkage. I can see this is more scientifically reasonable as it doesn’t involve physical detachment. But beyond the condition of getting out of a cold water source; I really don’t understand the whole shrinkage process either.

Is there like some sort of instant process to do the shrinking? Perhaps it is a hybrid from raison growing technology that I haven’t studied before. I don’t know; is it like skull shrinking? Shrinky dinks? The dollar?

All in all, it seems like a bunch of superstitions and panic. But if there is anything real going on there, I’d be panicked too!

42 comments:

Lakota said...

I read this this morning on Creepy's blog. Very bizarre. What do do with a stolen penis collection?
Here are some ideas.

Lakota said...

*to do*

VE said...

lakota - That was interesting. I then found a link to the Penis Park in Korea. What a weird place that is. Penis statues all over the place. They supposedly bring in the years fish supply...among other things

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

I heard they've been selling them on eBay....

VE said...

arizona - Are they under collectibles? Kitchen products? Entertainment?

Lakota said...

I checked, they're listed under small appliances.

VE said...

But we keep telling you they're LARGE appliances! Ha ha ha

Carla said...

This is hilarious. CBC radio did a whole program on just this very topic a few years ago. It seems to be quite a thing in Africa. It kind of reminds me of the "BIG" fish that got away. "Hey, wait a minute...that's not my real penis. Mine is MUCH larger. That witch doctor must have stolen mine and replaced it with this much smaller one." Yes, of course.

cathouse teri said...

This is EXACTLY why I don't read the paper!
I don't need to be knowin' about that shit!

Mother Theresa said...

Well, it beats having to read more election news. Hmmm. Maybe they put them on display like they do with shrunken heads. The sorcerer with the most gets all the women? Or maybe they are gay and their lovers cheated on them. Revenge is always a good reason for penis stealing, isn't it? ;)

iamnot said...

My wife stole my balls years ago.
How is this any different?

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

The irony is that King Missile wrote a song about this very issue years ago called Detachable Penis.

Art imitating life.

Beth said...

I checked out one of the news articles and found this paragraph:
"Some Kinshasa residents accuse a separatist sect from nearby Bas-Congo province of being behind the witchcraft in revenge for a recent government crackdown on its members. !!!!
The story gets crazier - and funnier. (If you're not one of the victims...)

VE said...

carla - Sounds like a scam to trade up for a new bigger model!

teri - I don't read the paper or watch tv; it was on the internet...you just cannot escape.

mother theresa - Maybe they use them instead of puca shells...

iamnot - Good point! But you can still use the urinal (unless she's also making you sit and pee...tell me she's not doing that too...)

elastic - Right after I finished this my girlfriend reminded me of that; I'd forgotten all about that song.

beth - Sure, blame it on the MAN!

Serena Joy said...

I read about that and then sat there scratching my head wondering, how big a market is there in trafficking used, stolen penises? What would you do with them? What is their shelf life? Are they microchipped so you know where they've been? How rapidly do they depreciate? And most importantly, what is the profit margin? Sounds like a hard way to make a living.:)

VE said...

sj - All good questions. Obviously in Africa they've figured this all out...

cathouse teri said...

:)

Yeah, I don't read the news on the internet, either.

I let you guys do that.

RED MOJO said...

Yeah, my penis is detachable, but if someone stole it, I'd just go buy another one.

VE said...

teri - I mostly only look at the quick titles

red mojo - I'd have to buy a labratory grown one; you never know where the others have been!

Alex L said...

Let me just check if mines still attached... yeah. I can't think of anything to do with a stolen penis.

Bunk Strutts said...

Good God. Just as I added your site to my bloggers' list on my nice and clean website, you whip it out and make a mess.

As Bill Murray once said to Jane Curtain on SNL, "I was circumsised, and I no longer am."

Or as the circumcision doctor said to the nurse, "Thanks for your help. Here's your paycheck, you can keep the tip."

Then there's Pinkard & Bowden's "Fun with Dick and Jane." Hunt it down yourselves.

Anette said...

I think a lot of guys have been worrying about potential thieving for years, they always seem to check if everything is where it schould be every 5 minutes...

Kelley said...

all those penii are being hollowed out and used for nose reshaping in Hollywood. Every one is doing it.

Carla said...

Maybe it's really a band, "The Shrinking Penis", much like the band, "the Strap on tools" Yeah that's it...

Eb the Celeb said...

OK... your interpretation was hilarious... good stuff!

leelee said...

shrinky dinks...lol

I guess thats why guys are always checking them to make sure they're there..

too funny

HUGS!

Bonnie said...

I would have to go with you on this one. It's attached. Unless you are friends with Lorania Bobbet I can pretty much promise you it isn't going anywhere.

The Intracerebral Itinerary said...

LOL This is the funniest blog I've read in a while. Where did you find this article? As an anthropology major, I find it all very interesting.

Theresa said...

A penis is a terrible thing to waste.

Megan said...

The song "That old black magic" just took on a whole new meaning for me.

VE said...

alex l - Whew. Good thing you checked. You never know...

bunk - I know, I know...right to the gutter.

anette - Ha ha...well we're quite attached to them you know...

kelley - Now that's weird. Gives a new meaning to Michael Jackson's "Beat it"...

carla - That's a good band name but I don't think I'd want to be the head dick in that group.

eb - Couldn't resist that article.

leelee - But they NEED checking! ha ha ha

bonnie - Lorraina hasn't been traveling in Africa has she?

intracelebral - Welcome. It was one of those "oddly enough" type yahoo news blurbs. I just couldn't resist a post on it...

theresa - Ha ha. I've been telling my dates that since I was a teen!

VE said...

megan - That's for sure!

Marie said...

So THAT'S what happened to my penis!

VE said...

marie - You can get a whole set on the black market; all different sizes...

captain corky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
captain corky said...

After reading this post I started to really worry, but then the wind blew... It's all good.

Jacki said...

You know, when I first read about this in the paper, my first thought was WTH?? I've heard of body snatchers and organ thiefs, but never penis-snatchers.

VE said...

captain - Another close call...not unlike all the ones of Captain Kirk himself....

jacki - Its a specialized crime...

Kurt said...

Doesn't this all remind you of Edouard Roditi's "The Vampires of Istanbul"?

VE said...

kurt - I'm not familiar with that one; but since this is all a bunch of bull, why not Istanbul!

justacoolcat said...

"steal or shrink men's penises"
How many guys used that excuse?

"A witchdoctor shrank it! It was huge before."

VE said...

justacoolcat - I can't relate to that... ha ha ha