Monday, April 07, 2008

Records to Avoid for the Rest of your Life

It’s time.

That’s right. I just couldn’t hold back anymore. It’s time to feature some albums that I hope haven’t made your collection. Don’t worry…none of these made the transition to CDs and who really has a turntable anymore. You’re safe. Be thankful.

That’s right. Kojak himself, Telly Savalas, was supposedly “asked” to make a record back in 1974. And unfortunately for the world, he did. They are all cover songs like The Beatles “Something”, etc. They probably should have suggested to cover your ears as well. Kojak should have kicked his own ass for doing this…

No, really, I shit you not. It’s an entire album of Beatles songs sung by dogs (and some cats too). You know, the Jingle Bells song they did with dogs was amusing. Once! Seriously, do we really want to hear Nowhere Man in dog barks? How do you get the four part harmony of “Here, There, Everywhere” with four poodles, anyway? I guess you know you’ve REALLY made it as an accomplished musician when you get covered by dogs!

Sure, going in the ring with “The Greatest” Muhammad Ali for 40 minutes would be a brutal beating that you might not survive, but how about going 40 minutes while he talks to you about tooth decay on this record? There are even guest appearances by Frank Sinatra and Howard Cosell. It just doesn’t get any better than this. You’ll be flossing three times a day after this.

Inevitably everything makes it to Christmas music. Disco is no exception… unfortunately. I’m sure Jingle Bells is such a great song to dance to if you just add a little disco beat to it. I wonder if it comes with a disco ball that projects reindeer onto the dance floor or something.

If you can’t read this one, click on it for a clearer picture. That’s right, your computer screen isn’t lying. This album is actually call “Everything you wanted to hear on the Moog”. And I’ve been kicking myself all this time going, “Damn, if only I could hear THAT on a moog…” Of course, I would have selected “Bolera” to put on it too! Great tastes think alike! What the hell is a moog anyway? It sounds like a boogers distant cousin or something. I know its some sort of synthesizer, but I was too small in the 60s to relate.

That right. It’s ABBA. Go ahead, spell it backwards. It’s the same. Yes, the Swedish supergroup found in Spanish. How ironic that is because they only spoke Swedish and did their English stuff phonetically. So why not do it in Spanish that way too? Great, let’s sing Waterloo; which is a French reference by a Swedish group using Spanish. But you gotta love those outfits! I wish I had purple parachute pants with calf high boots. That would go over really well walking around town! Oh, and they’re all laughing there…but wait until the divorces; you won’t be laughing later!

You know, I was watching my Mission Impossible Series DVDs the other day and I thought to myself, it’s too bad they never made an album. What to my wondering surprise, THEY DID!!! There are even separate tracks for each character from the show. Barney does it Again (no, that’s not the Purple dinosaur and no, it’s not Fred Flinstone’s neighbor). Jim on the Move. It’s the one time the term “this will self destruct in 10 seconds” indicates a positive thing.

And you thought you’d seen it all with Christmas Disco. Well, that’s right, it gets worse. Polka Disco! Isn’t this like making matter and anti-matter touch? To add insult to injury though, there are two discs on this album. As if one wasn’t enough…

Ok…I’ve got to stop. You can only handle so many of these in one sitting or you might explode. I’ll follow this up with a part 2 when I feel it is safe. VE out…

48 comments:

Marie said...

OMG time to visit the itunes store. Seriously, I gotta see if they have Fernando.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

I remeber the Teddy S. album LOL. I just wish would have used a pic with him with the tootsie roll pop like on Kojack

leelee said...

I was on a bad album jag a while back.....I swear i was...seriously..ok well
JUST LOOK HERE

Matt-Man said...

I like ABBA alot. Frida had a great ass. And Telly? Aren't all bald headed Greek dudes natural crooners. Just look at...um...well, you get my point. Cheers!!

VE said...

marie - And THANK YOU for putting that song in my head...

torrance - Wow. I'd totally forgotten about the tootsie pop. What a flashback....

leelee - Yes, that looks like it would make the list. The problem is, I could go on and on with this theme.

VE said...

matt-man - Well sure, Frida did. But I'm not sure you should wear a purple parachute outfit with boots. Try that downtown!

damon said...

I hate those freakin singin animal songs. But Telly pulled it off pretty good.

ChristineEldin said...

This is the fifth blog today I'm visiting that's doing some kind of blast from the past. And, (coincindentally?) ya'll are male.

Funny pics!
:-)

VE said...

damon - It's only because the kids substituted your name for Alvins. "Are you ready Damon? Damon? DAMON!!!" "Ok" "Christmas Time.... ha ha ha

christine - I do this as a service to help those unfortunates not discover these records...

Serena Joy said...

I think I'm in serious sensory overload here. I say that only because I have an overwhelming desire to run out and see if I can find a Disco Polka album.:D

VE said...

sj - I tried to warn you. That is why I stopped at only 8 albums. I've also put out an Amber alert to watch out for anyone buying Disco Polka records....

iamnot said...

Hey...don't be dissin' the moog.
I've got an album of Bach performed by Walter/Wendy Carlos done on the moog.
Great stuff.

Jacki said...

Now you know things like this spark our curiousity and we will now have to download these (if we can find them) just to hear how bad they really are.

VE said...

iamnot - Bwahahahah. No really, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you. Seriously, I do like Walter Carlos though. And come on, there's just something inherently funny about the word MOOG.

jacki - Good luck. Most of these are very obscure if not outright rare. I doubt that much, if any, could be found digitally.

EmmaK said...

Laughed my socks off at these albums. I want that Beatles Barkers one so bad!!

Kurt said...

But look at that delicious chest hair Mr. ABBA has!

Theresa said...

ABBA in Spanish just isn't the same, trust me I've heard it. Another one to add to your list is The Smurfs Go Pop and anything by the Chipmunks.

VE said...

emmak - Woof, woof, indeed!

kurt - I'm going to write a whole post about that!

theresa - I know...there are a fightening amount of kids ones, aren't there? So ABBA doesn't work in Spanish. I've always wondered that...

RED MOJO said...

You found some beauties alright! I love coming here, you never fail to make me laugh!

Jess Riley said...

Wow. You know, once in awhile I get the urge to find other awful albums like this just so I can sit back and say "Wow" at the fact that they were ever made.

And don't you think "Everything you ever wanted to hear on the Moog" is going to lead to some disappointment? Because how could they do EVERYTHING I ever wanted to hear on a Moog?

Naughty Lakota said...

ABBA! you have ABBA on the first post i see of yours! I don't know if i can play over here with you. I'm suffering from severe 70s trauma now. My therapy bills are going to put a dent in my gasoline budget. ABBA. ~shuddering and retching~

Oh, aside from that - nice place.
~smooches~

VE said...

red mojo - I tend to amuse myself with this stuff; glad others think its funny too

jess - I know, they never even called me when they were making that album. I mean...who do they really know what I want?

VE said...

naughty lakota - Sorry to ruin you with Abba right out of the starting gate. But ask any of my readers, they will tell you I usually have something upsetting in my posts. Hmmm...never thought about that but perhaps it's me they find upsetting. Nah!

cathouse teri said...

Whew! I'm so glad to be out of OZ! Well....... let me rethink that. Where are we now? Wonderland?

Go ask Alice.

(Thanks for dropping by and checking on me. You are so right! I found a lot of what I needed! Yummmmmmmm.)

Beth said...

You've got me feeling very sensitive about my album collection - although I don't own any of those gems!
(Nor do I own a turntable - so why am I hanging on to them?)

she said...

there was something in the air that day fernando the way you move who loves ya baby disco! disco duck ruff ruff ruff.

what's a donzer said...

Wow. This was totally awesome. My favorite is definitely Cassius Clay teaming up with Old Blue Eyes for Rumble in the Jungle 2.0 vs. Tooth Decay! I also love how they visited the UN to cast the kids and could only manage to find two white children total in need of tooth education. Really? How un-pc, Ossie Davis and team!

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

I love ABBA. I always thought they were from Australia...I have no idea why i thought that. Telly Savalas? No thanks. But now, the barking dog album I might want to listen to.

Maureen said...

OMG... don't tell me you OWN these... gag.

The Stinker said...

Dude, are these, like, *your* albums? BWAHAHAAHAHA!!

Uncivil said...

Float like a butterfly sing about cavaties???????

VE said...

teri - You never really escape at my blog. I'm always somewhere you don't want to be but can't resist.

beth - Oh, fess up, you have John Denver, don't you?

she - Boy, you know ALL the lyrics. I'm honestly scared!

what's a donzer - Welcome. Yes, that one is crazy, isn't it? Why would somebody even listen to it more than once?

arizona - ABBA from Australia? Don't let my friend Kelley hear you say that...

maureen - Don't worry; I don't own a single one. Honest. No really. Why won't anyone belive me...

the stinker - Ah contrar! I have the VE staff out scouring the world identifying bad albums so you don't have to suffer.

uncivil - Well you shouldn't ignore your gums! Ha ha ha

Bee said...

Yup! Going out right now to buy the Telly and ABBA records, unless... do you think iTunes will have 'em?

Alex L said...

I love a good bit of Polka...

Anette said...

Well I concider myself warned. even though I would have liked the ABBA-spanish version.... (hola)
or maybe not when I come to think of it, it was my older sister who was in to them.. In english of course... or close to english.

VE said...

bee - itunes won't have 'em and I don't think you'll find these anywhere..they're quite rare.

alex l - Me too...when I'm in Germany...at the Octoberfest...and drunk

anette - No fair. Living in Norway, how could you NOT like ABBA. Don't they arrest you around the Scandanavian countries if you do not?

C said...

Wow! Where DO you find this stuff??? Frida did have a great ass.

Great post, as always.

GC said...

where do you find these things?!!!

VE said...

c - It's a trade secret...Yes, Frida DID!

gc - It's a sickness. Hopefully it's not contageous

Mr Farty said...

You were doing so well until you insulted Abba. Even now the Swedish death squads will be out looking for you.

VE said...

mr. farty - THey can't stop me. I locked all the saunas from the outside. Muwhahaha

HeyJoe said...

Polka disco is liable to RESULT in both injury AND insult.

Those guys from ABBA make me want to kick their asses. And I'm not even a bully.

G-Man said...

Can I tell you something?
"Who Stole The Kiszka" By Donna Summer..ROCKS!!!

VE said...

heyjoe - It's easy to understand your unbridled violent tendencies toward ABBA. It's a common occurance

g-man - No, you won't see a Donna Summer album on this list from me. I'm not sure Donna ROCKS though, she does DISCO though.

Queen Goob said...

iamnot - I've got that album - that's some rockin' stuff for us OLD people!

Didn't David Hasselhoff have an LP, wonder if that's still available......

VE said...

queen goob - That's a bit scary...David H. I have a part two coming; perhaps I'll have to add that one in

Tanya Kristine said...

i'm sorry...those days just seem so magical now, don't tehy? simple, stoner-ey, safer.

VE said...

tanya - Yes, much of it does. But I don't miss 8-Tracks. You can't make me, you can't make me...