Thursday, April 03, 2008

Return to Oz - Part 1

You know, Dorothy arrived in Oz nearly 50 years ago now and changed it forever. I thought it appropriate to take a little trip to Oz myself and see what’s being going on.

Of course, I haven’t obtained my flying house license and there are no tornado stops near my house anyway. No, I’d have to use my superior intellect and solve this dilemma just like an engineer would.

The answer lies in Dorothy’s Ruby slippers. On a side note though, are they really slippers? I mean my slippers are comfy and have big floppy bunny ears on them. I just don’t see how these could be real slippers at all. Man, they really did have it rough back in the old days.

Anyway, a little known scientific fact is that if you wear the left slipper on the right foot and the right slipper on the left foot, it reverses the polarity of fantasy story travel and allows you to say “There’s no place like Oz” over and over until you are there.

Of course, I did have to sneak into the Smithsonian in order to “borrow” the authentic Dorothy slippers. Disguised in a cheap polyester suit with a tie that was too short and three fashion decades ago; I was easily able to blend in as an employee and able to procure the key to the display case.

A simple diversion technique allowed me to grab the slippers. I merely announced over the intercom that the Worlds Largest Dung Beetle had left its display case over at the natural history building and suddenly everyone was clamoring to check it out. The slippers were mine!

Something they didn’t bother to tell me about transporting myself over a rainbow via Ruby slippers is the multi-colored rainbow mucky residue it leaves all over you. Yuck. Obviously Dorothy changed clothes after arriving back in Kansas; thanks editors for cutting that detail out of the storyline! Not having a change of clothes and arriving in Munchkinland, I was forced to travel naked until I was able to borrow one of Tin Man’s extra outfits. Man these cans are hot to wear!

Munchkinland was chaos! Apparently somehow one of them had acquired a download of Randy Newman’s song Short People and it had caused height riots that lasted 20 years. Suddenly the taller munchkins claimed superiority and started wearing all white armor and threatening the town folk. The smaller ones organized into a small rebel alliance and obtained plans to bring a balance to the community. But this story happened a long time ago in a place far far away so I won’t belabor the details here.

It seems that the Yellow Brick Road was renamed to just ‘the Road’ after a small group of Asian Oz dwellers claimed racist skin tone issues. (of course, I always thought it was ‘yellow’ because I never saw any rest stops along the way) It looks like the road had been painted many times over with different colors and even wall papered with a nice border at one point. Currently, it’s a hodge podge of colors as they continue to wage battle against the munchkin gangs tagging it with their colors. A nice bike lane was added several years ago though.

The cornpatch was still there and had indeed grown in size. You couldn’t get near the corn though; the entire crop was being used to make high fructose corn syrup so they could mass produce crappy food without having to say it contained sugar. The rest of the corn was being used for bio-fuel.
The simple junction in the road had been replaced with a traffic light, a left turn signal, crosswalks, and a flying broomstick public transportation stop.

The cabin in the old apple orchard burned down many years ago. Seems the witches never adhered to Oz fire codes and neglected to install adequate sprinkler systems; they being adverse to melting from the water. Sure enough, spontaneous fire ball catch got out of control and bye bye cabin. The apple trees were cut down and made into Wizard of Oz popsicle sticks back in the industrial slums just outside of Emerald City. The remaining property was subdivided into tiny 3,000sf lots and had row houses built on them; most of which are in foreclosure since urban farming costs skyrocketed and profits dropped due to foreign competitors delivering by Oz Express delivery now.

Tune in tomorrow for part two of our two part recap of the return to Oz.

33 comments:

RED MOJO said...

The times they are a changin! I love that there's a bike path now. Maybe I could buy one of those cute little row houses, and use it for a vacation home, rent it out the rest of the year.
The Emerald city is kind of touristy...

VE said...

red mojo - Yes, at least there is a bike path. Of course back then,the whole dang thing was a path. Yes, everyone needs a vaction home to rent out. Or two, or three.

Jacki said...

I have often wondered what happened to the Emerald City. Ahhh...progress. But why do I get the idea it is sometimes better to leave things the way they were?

VE said...

jacki - Yes, we should just leave fantasies alone. Sort of like memories. You usually retain the good ones more vividly...

Anette said...

Well, time hasn't left the Emerald city alone either.
Did you meet Tin mans' grand son? I heard he's a splended young man offering the best tin buckets ever! To honour his grand father of course! His grand daughter however, she's a total rebel!

VE said...

anette - Hah. Good one. She was the outcast of the family huh? To move from tin to carbon fiber...sacrilege! Ha ha ha

Daisy said...

Hehe - you're hilarious! I loved this post. Thanks for visiting my blog. I'm gonna poke around yours as well.

VE said...

daisy - Welcome. Poke with caution; I'm not supposed to be around sharp objects.

Kanrei said...

There is a theme this week here...

Seriously, this is really funny so far and I am proud of you for skipping the easy Ayrian Munchkins fighting against the Southern Mexican Munchkins aspect that HBO choose to focus on when they did their series set in Oz. I really don't remember the Gang-Banger Munchkins anally raping anyone in the original.

Jacki said...

Oh I wasn't dissing your post at all...it's very entertaining....it just brought to mind what happens to "tourist attractions" such as the great pyramids in Egypt, and that sort of thing. Yes, they are awesome to see, but once thousands of tourists start flocking to them, they lose their appeal. They just become tourist traps. Some things should just be left alone.

VE said...

kan - Yes, I try to avoid the gang-baner faction of Munchkinland . Ha ha ha.

jacki - Oh go ahead and diss away; it's all good. Yes, some places, like Niagra Falls are just way too touristy now. I still want to see the Pryamids and that area of the world, but I have been hesitant for that very reason. I've heard the stories.

Jacki said...

Oh yes, there are stories. I have this friend, he thrives on going to exotic places for vacations. A girlfriend of his was from the Middle East, and they would go places and literally have to hire a tourguide/bodyguard with them at all times. Not my idea of a relaxing vacation.

VE said...

jacki - Interesting. I'm an avid traveler too. I've been to 40 countries. But I avoid certain places: Middle East (although I did go to Dubai), A good majority of Africa (unsafe), and places where Malaria is very prevelant. There are too many places to visit that so far these constraints haven't been an issue.

Beth said...

Sounds like a dangerous and frightening (naked and wearing ruby slippers!) mission.
Better you than me.
Looking forward to hearing what the flying monkeys are up to.

VE said...

beth - It is difficult to go streaking in Ruby slippers, that's for sure. The monkey update is coming, stay tuned

Kurt said...

They do seem more like pumps rather than slippers.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Oh, you are so weird...but funny...so I won't point out that the museum the slippers are in has been closed to the general public for several months now (maybe to keep miscreants like you away from the nation's valuables)...

You can get ones that look like them in the little girls' section at Target, though.

VE said...

suburban - Dang, I knew somebody would point that out. I was actually there when they were on display. Only a small portion of what they have is ever on display at any one time. I've even been in the back where they keep the inventory. I was helping one of their employees on some research at the time...

Serena Joy said...

Clearly, the Emerald City has changed since last I saw it. And not in a good way! And may I just say that you'd have found rainbow transport a little easier if you'd shaved your legs before stuffing your feet into those ruby slippers.:-)

NYD said...

Emerald city jus' ain't the same ever since they let tall folks in.

VE said...

kurt - Do you have a similar pair?

sj - I know, but shaving my legs is not going to happen...

nyd - They ruin everything, don't they?

Serena Joy said...

I understand your reluctance, but shaved legs really do enhance the aerodynamics of flipping over the rainbow and ensures a much smoother trip.:D

VE said...

sj - Ok, next time I'm going rainbow traveling I'll keep that in mind!

G-Man said...

What about that Sean Connery movie of the 70's,
Zardoz..???

Anyway, quite a journey so far...hehehehe

Good stuff...G

VE said...

g-man - I don't know...I heard that was a weird movie. Yeah, like this stuff I write isn't...

Bee said...

Somebody needs to take off their socks when they sunbathe.

VE said...

bee - Hah. Good one! Fortunately it's not me. Stole that pic...

leelee said...

you are indeed "the wiz" with photoshop.

VE said...

leelee - Diesel is the master at that; I do what I can though

Dale said...

Smart thinking on blending in with the employees, hilarious.

VE said...

dale - I knew somebody would appreciate that...

Bunk said...

As Lollipop Guild munchkin Billy Barty once said, "My wife has a tight little a**hole. Me."

VE said...

bunk - Munchkin humor...funny!