Tuesday, April 08, 2008

VE's Animal Psychiatry Center

That’s right; VE is doing some animal psychiatry on the side. Hey, animals are people too. Ok, well, they’re not, but you don’t have to be licensed either…

I’ve got a tape worm with an attachment disorder. It is difficult for him to stretch out on the couch…

I’ve got a sloth with procrastination issues. It’s really hard to even get him into my office; I usually end up making a house call.

I’ve got an owl with a sleep pattern abnormality. I’ve even spotted (no pun intended) him letting air out of Republican’s cars during the lunch hour.

I don’t do dogs or horses because I’m just not good at whispering.

I’m seeing a Billy Goat with a transgender fixation. I have to call him Nanny or he won’t keep the appointment

I saw the bats only twice and they didn’t pay me. Plus, they keep hanging around. I think they like the darkened atmosphere of the office and I’m too skiddish to shoo them away.

I have two of my raccoons in Anger Management classes right now. They are such pranksters though. They aren’t allowed in my lunch room ever again.

I have a weasel with trust issues. I’ve been trying to build up his confidence to not feel like everyone sees him as negative and make him see the positive view on things. The only problem is that his check keeps bouncing. What a weasel!

I’m meeting with some ants that just want to find the real them. It was difficult for them to realize that sharing the cost of the sessions wasn’t helping their affliction.

It's a lucrative hobby...

41 comments:

Marie said...

My midwife in FL had a raccoon that adopted her, she couldn't get rid of him. She'd come home and find him sitting in her chair, watching ESPN and eating chips. I kid you not. She'd throw him out, but he'd always find a way back in.

VE said...

marie - Wow. And you have to let the racoon watch sports and eat chips because they have a nasty temper too.

RED MOJO said...

I knew this jackass that wanted to run the country, and people actually voted for him!

C said...

LOL! I thoroughly enjoyed this post :) When I read Red Mojo's comment, I laughed even more! :) Good stuff!

VE, thanks for popping by my little spot in the blog world. Yes, I have visited the Philippines (only once) and loved it. Some of the beaches are spectacular. As you said, Manila is a bit crazy though! :)

Mind if I link you?

We are THAT Family said...

That is funny! Racoon's have always freaked me out!

NYD said...

OK, The trip to Oz was different and entertaining. The albums; a little scary although I am tempted to go forth and search out that Telly Savalas disc and combine it with the disco polka for some truly demented party themes. But the sensless punnery you have inflicted upon the hapless and helpless animals is just beyond any measure of cruelty...Keep up the great work!

VE said...

red mojo - Good one! I'm afraid that Jackass is beyond my help though...

C - Link away. You'll be linked if you haven't already. My blog roll is prioritized by number of comments and any comment by a legitimate blogger gets a link.

we are that family - Yeah, they can be a bit scary; we put in a new tree some years ago and a racoon broke it in half! Don't mess with racoons...

nyd - Telly disco polka. Now that's a scary mash up. Great party idea. VE approves. "senseless punnery"...I like that!

Jeff said...

I hope you don't have to see any hyenas, I hear they never take you seriously.

Theresa said...

After the comment you left on my blog, when I saw the word "animal" I was worried for a second. I'm glad this doesn't have anything to do with animal sex, unless it's about helping animals with impotency problems. ;)

Jen said...

can you help my cat?

he's a lazy bastard
he doesn't help
around the house

leelee said...

I see you are making a habit of the punnery

Chandra said...

This was hysterical! I wish you reconsider taking on dogs! My sweet yorkie Jonathan could use the help. Of course that could be my fault for giving him a human name. He thinks he's one of us!

VE said...

jeff - Wait a minute here, nobody takes me seriously either, does that infer....

theresa - Now don't go getting all your filthy readers started on my blog ha ha ha.

jen - Of course, I'll have him doing the vacuuming in no time

leelee - It's my duty to punish you! Is a nunnery like a punnery but without the humor?

chandra - I'd tell Yorkie that if he cannot solve Rubiks cube in under one minute then he is still a dog.

cathouse teri said...

The owl letting air out of Republican's cars was hilarious!

Is there a lotta hot air in their cars?

justacoolcat said...

It's lucrative?

Well then I guess you're buying.

VE said...

Teri - You know how spotted owl and republicans get along. I think it's a payback thing...

justacoolcat - Oh sure, Mr. I-was-just-in-sunny-Hawaii-all-week

Kanrei said...

I thought I saw a racoon, but it was only a badger in a Lone Ranger mask.

Your Oz themed posts drove me to Best Buy to buy the HBO series. Thanks for the ride.

VE said...

kan - It was fun doing the Oz set but I thought they got a little too real and depressing in the end. I like to trend toward the zany a little more so I'm glad to be done with them now.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Put an e-mail address on your profile page, will ya? I had to come all the way over here to answer your comment on my blog, and now I have to put it at the end of this totally weird post.

I actually posted my then-4-year-old (when she was decapitating stuffed animals and breaking toilets) on our local Freecycle list. Boy, you wouldn't believe how lacking in a sense of humor some people can be...they almost threw me off the list because people were e-mailing the moderators and demanding that they call the police.

Luckily, some people saw the joke - one person suggested that I post one last item before being kicked off: "TAKEN, pending pick-up: 4-year-old girl - thanks for all the interest!"

VE said...

suburban - Hmmm..actual email contact? Scary. No, actually, you can reply on your blog, I do check back on followups as I peruse every blog. I know what you mean, some people are just waaay to serious. Fortunately everyone that comes here knows I'm just being immature, not offensive. I like that.

Qelqoth said...

I'll trade you the lot for a cat that can make mince meat out of your skin in a matter of seconds. I'm not fucking kidding either. My cat is like Dahmer on roids.

Kurt said...

This post is an insult to those who are doing important whispering work with animals across this great nation.

VE said...

qelqoth - I'll put your cat in my office and use him as my new "green" shredder...

kurt - Of course one of my goals with this blog is to be as insulting as possible. I don't worry about that group getting their underwear all in a wad because what are they going to do, whisper at me?

cathouse teri said...

Oh, I thought the owl was only spotted because you spotted him! Now I get it!

By the way, speaking of animals, I think the Lohans need to be shot. Put us out of our misery. Oh, and the Kardashians. (Although, I have decided to deny that I even know who they are.)

Euthanasia is a wonderful thing, doc.

I gotta stop watching TV. I'm going back to the woods. Where the owls are.

Beth said...

Thank you, thank you! I needed a good laugh today and this was IT.
(I wish you treated dogs, though. You wouldn't have to whisper to mine...)

EmmaK said...

I know you aren't a bona fide dog whisperer but I've got a friend who's unwittingly dating her dog and frankly, I'm worried:
http://www.scrivel.com/content/view/119/1/

G-Man said...

VE..
The term Animal Husbandry always left me wondering, who married them anyway?

Very very funny....G

Serena Joy said...

If you can do this important work without bites and scratch marks and preventative injections, my hat is off to you. I'm LMAO at Red Mojo's comment. If only... And if you can help Jen's cat, let me know; sounds just like a certain spouse I know.:)

Uncivil said...

I got a giraffe that's afraid of heights! Can ya help?

Kelley said...

Bastard. I was so going to do this. I have a bunny with Tourettes, if only she had the ability to produce words it would be awesome...

But of course I couldn't pull it off as insanely as you.

Maureen said...

Wow. I don't know. I think rather that

"The Doctor is Out"

Out of his mind, that is...

;)

VE said...

Teri - I'll give the Lohans to the raccoons...

Beth - That's funny about your dog. Somehow I suspect you don't have to whisper to many of them

emmak - I read that one...too funny; gives a whole new meaning to man's best friend

g-man - That's a good question cause I'm damn confused about that one too. I wonder if I can be put out to stud/breed. Sounds like fun...

sj - I'm still wearing the Tin Man's suit for this gig

uncivil - That's a good one...and a tall order to take on ;)

kelley - Nah Nah. I did it first. After you beat me to the Hello Kitty expose; you deserve it!

maureen - I always go out for awhile; I'll come back...I think

Matt-Man said...

Could you help me VE? I have a pet groundhog who is afraid of his own damn shadow. Cheers!!

Jacki said...

What about goldfish? Do you talk to them?

My sister inherited a goldfish that I bought in 2001 and the thing is still alive. It won't die!! But every morning she thinks it has died because when she goes to feed it, the stupid thing is swimming upside down.

Know what that means?

VE said...

matt-man - I'll take your groundhog and make him star in a lame sequel to groundhog day where he sees his shadow everday because everyday is the same; that'll cure him...

jacki - Goldfish that swim upside down clearly want a trip to "down under" in Australia. I think he's trying to find Nemo...

Jacki said...

LOL....well..there are days my sister is tempted to flush it down the toilet because she is tired of cleaning the tank. But the poor thing is 7.5 years old, we are also curious as to how long it will live.

VE said...

jacki - The average is 6 to 8 years but they can live up to 30.

ChristineEldin said...

HAHAHAAHA! Love the one about the ants.

(I have a technical question for you. Your sidebar and those numbers---what's the deal? Sorry, but I don;t get the counting system. Are you giving extra points to your favorites? Cause I'm not seeing anyone with 79 comments since April 1. Just asking is all)

ChristineEldin said...

HAHAHAAHA! Love the one about the ants.

(I have a technical question for you. Your sidebar and those numbers---what's the deal? Sorry, but I don;t get the counting system. Are you giving extra points to your favorites? Cause I'm not seeing anyone with 79 comments since April 1. Just asking is all)

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

My dog is nearly deaf, so whispering won't help. Could you yell? You could be the dog yeller. Of course, I yell at her all day long and it doesn't help. She calls me Old Yeller....

VE said...

christine - No, the sidebar means that as of April 1st, those folks have commented on that many posts since the beginning of the year. Everybody gets one point per post if they comment. If you comment 20 times on a single post, you get 1 point.