Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Dog Days Scandal

Scandal has struck the venerable Westminster Kennel Club organization. It seems that Uno, the 2008 best of show winning Beagle is actually just a normal dog.

“I’m so put out” commented one haughty taughty club member. “Their papers weren’t real. It’s all a farce.”

Yes, according to VE investigators, Uno actually lived in a dog house…outside. While other pedigree finalists were sleeping on a mountain of pillows inside their McMansion shrines and monitored with sensors all night to ensure the adequate amount of REM sleep had been acquired, Uno slept on a piece of old Astroturf stuffed in to line the giant plastic dog house.

While other pedigree dogs receive a steady IV flow of the necessary fluids to maintain superior hydration without forming drool and leading to potential germ creating situations, Uno actually drank from, God forbid, a dog bowl with tap water!

Another overzealous trainer goes on to say “It was awful. I heard he actually had a dog bone! A dog bone! What were they thinking? Do you know what kind of microscopic chips might occur to the teeth by giving him such a thing? And what if he actually tried to bury it? It might take weeks to repair and get the nails back to show condition.”

His exercise regime of going for a walk to the park was considered taboo among the trainers we polled. “Do you know how many foreign bacteria and germs he picked up going to a public place? These are show dogs. They need to be in a vacuum tight oxygen rich and germ free environment…ALWAYS. Some pet owners are just so irresponsible!” commented one of the judges and former trainers.

An anonymous dog show fan also added “I saw their owner give him human food. Human food! Have you seen what human food does to humans? Look at all the fat trainers out there. They should know better than to subject a dog to that!”

"You can't put normal dogs in the show!" laments another trainer. Yes, sadly uno will have to go it alone because if normal dogs start appearing then the trainers and judges would be out of their cushy self important jobs!

20 comments:

leelee said...

I want a s'mores keyboard...and I don't think mine will last long either. YUMM-O

Like your song parody...spot on with your usual flair.!

woof! (thats dawg speak for HUGS!)

Dee said...

TOo funny! your a witty blogger~

VE said...

leelee - I like having the side features because I can leave them there as long as I want or change them as much as I want. The song parody was way over due for a new one but I just wasn't feeling inspired by any topic.

dee - Thanks. That's better than being shitty blogger or a pretty blogger or an itty bitty blogger. I'll stop now...

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

Poor Uno. Its not his fault.

Megan said...

I really like the phrase "haughty taughty."

Sornie said...

Scandals are everywhere in the pros. That's why I am a fan of the minor league dog shows such as county fairs and humane society benefits.

Beth said...

If Uno can achieve such heights, I just might enter my dog in the competition next year. (Disguised as a purebred if necessary.) He shares all Uno's down-to-earth lifestyle habits.
(He would also be a fabulous contender for the Best in Gas category.)

Kanrei said...

Megan has best avatar ever! Headless Leia!


This was the first time I ever saw a dog actually win a "dog show." A blow for the average! The after effects of a Bush presidency- the bar has been lowered everywhere. Next up, a 200 pound Miss America!

Jacki said...

What I find funny about the dog shows is how serious the judges are. To me, I can't tell the difference between those pedigreed dogs and a dog from a dog pound.

And have you seen the show on Animal Planet called Groomer Has It? It's ridiculous....grown men crying that the dog they groomed didn't win a contest.

VE said...

arizona - Nope...he's just a dog!

megan - Seemed fitting for such a stuffy organization

sornie - Ha! Good one. Just like baseball...

beth - Best gas category...I'm visualizing a judge get in there real close for a good whiff...ha ha ha

kan - Great point. Would they call it Mass America then? Voted based on volume...

jacki - Yep. Hence the whole parody post in the first place...these things are WAY too serious. I've never seen the other show but real men don't cry; they lubricate to avoid scratching problems!!!

Serena Joy said...

If I let my normal dog read this, I'm afraid she'll want to go the showgirl route -- after she finishes my dinner. What the hell, though. She'd probably win. Maybe I'll take her to the next show. It might be fun to watch a few haughty trainers and highbrow owners faint.:)

VE said...

sj - That's the spirit...let us commoners take over!!!

sprinkle4 said...

Who says you're not an itty bitty blogger?:)

All I know is that when I bury a bone, it DOES take weeks to get my nails back in top condition!

Theresa said...

Too funny!!!
You could dedicate an entire blog site to making fun of dog show people.

VE said...

sprinkle4 - Yes, it's true. I'm only 3 feet 2 inches and stretch my pic in photoshop to make me look bigger. Ha ha

theresa - Like VE's Fantatical Dogness?

Kurt said...

Mmmmmm - mountains of pillows.

VE said...

kurt - Now Kurt, do you have a mountain of pillows at home?

Maureen said...

I think if they were going to let a Beagle win, it should have been Snoopy. At least he is COOL....

VE said...

maureen - But Uno is a cute beagle...just not quite as famous (and also not a cartoon)

VE said...

sprinkle4 - My Girlfriend say so!!