Friday, May 09, 2008

Four Things I Wouldn't Expect

Four things I wouldn’t expect Mr. Rogers to do:
1. Cuss like a sailor while playing Grand Theft Auto
2. Compete in the Cabor Toss at the Scottish Highland Games
3. Blood dope to improve his age category score at the local 10K run
4. Enjoy a nice picnic in the park (come on, he’s been dead for years now!)

Four things I wouldn’t expect Rosie O’Donnell to do:
1. Land a part as Tinkerbell at the local off-broadway playhouse
2. Counsel the Dali Lama on spiritual guidance in dealing with China
3. Marry Brad Pitt and adopt Angelina Jolie
4. Author Hallmark Wedding cards

Four things I wouldn’t expect Borack Obama to do:
1. Go on a hunting vacation with Dick Cheney
2. Hire Rev. Wright as his new campaign manager
3. Break dance in a new Michael Jackson video
4. Solve the Health Care issue

Four things I wouldn’t expect Martha Stewart to do:
1. Crab Fishing in the Bering Sea on Americas Deadliest Catch
2. Dumpster Dive for meals in the back alleys of Chinatown
3. Shave a gap in her eyebrow and cruise Compton in a low rider
4. Solve the mystery of Gravity

31 comments:

Jeff said...

Don't be so sure about Mr. Rogers. He did the voice for King Friday and the King used to swear like a one-eyed carpenter.

Marie said...

What's the mystery of gravity? I always thought of it as the great "well, DUH" of Science.

Kurt said...

More Fred Rogers bashing. What is your problem, anyway?

colbymarshall said...

One thing I wouldn't expect Mr. Rogers to do: wear a leather jacket.

VE said...

jeff - Ah, the secret other life of Mr. Rogers...hmmm

marie - Actually, gravity is sciences biggest mystery. They really haven't been able to explain why it occurs.

kurt - More? Did I bash in the past? I don't remember the first time. And lets not get all worked up here; this is a comedy blog remember...I'm not like rewriting his bio on wikipedia...Sheez...

VE said...

colbymarshall - Good one! Now, Rosie...sure!

lime said...

you know, some of those might never happen but i would LOVE to see them happen. martha stewart on deadliest catch springs to mind first...

cathouse teri said...

Your commenters are hilarious! I hope everyone reads your silly stuf and then also their silly stuff.

But I'm with Lime. I wanna see Marty on Deadliest Catch.

VE said...

lime - Having personally been in the Bering Sea several times; I couldn't agree with you more!

teri - I know; I should just create a template and have the readers create the post for me; there's some good stuff going on in comment land.

Sornie said...

I have to disagree with your take on Martha Stewart not dumpster diving. Something tells me that she's gone on some pretty serious week-long benders in her life and not just scavenged for food but actually slept off a couple jugs of moonshine in there too.

yellojkt said...

Caber-tossing is a very weird sport. It's basically throwing telephone poles. For height.

yellojkt said...

Did I misspell "cabor"? Sure did. Tells you I'm not worthy to wear a kilt.

VE said...

yellowjkt - "throwing telephone poles for height"...yeah, uh, don't we have super heroes for that...

Megan said...

I thought the caber toss was for distance? Put your kilt back on, jkt, you had it right the first time...

I'd love to see what Rosie would come up with for a wedding card.

Mrs. R said...

I'm with sornie. There's a certain element of white trash to Ms. Martha. I don't think #2 is entirely out of the question.

VE said...

sornie - Interesting. Another secret behind-the-camera life. Wouldn't surprise me either

mrs. r - Why is it when you find sombody purporting to be one thing it usually leads to them actually being the opposite?

Theresa said...

Rosie also said Your face is a health care issue ...
I told her to go help stinky Martha mend the crab nets.
But she said "you're not the boss of me" and slipped out for a cup of coffee with Elvis and Mr. Rogers.

Serena Joy said...

Hmmm. I'm not sure which of those things I'd least expect. Possibly Rosie O'Donnell as Tinkerbell, but it would be closely followed by Martha getting her hands dirty.:)

VE said...

theresa - Ha. Good one. But Mr. Rogers drinks coffee? How scandalous!

sj - Yeah, Tinkerbell is a serious stretch...literally too!

Beth said...

You used it! That old favourite (infuriating) childhood taunt - "I know you are but what am I?"
It might work with the Chinese Government. It would certainly (eventually) piss them off.

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

I'd love to see Martha go crab fishing. I used to love Martha and now I'm just annoyed by her. So sad.

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

I also think Fred Rogers was hot. I once had a dream about him. It involved spanking and the line, "Who's your daddy?"

Maybe I should post this anonymously??????!

VE said...

beth - I know, I know. I just couldn't resist. I mean, it's about all that Rosie could contribute on that subject, don't you think?

arizona. Martha...yeah, you and quite a few million... Ha ha on the Mr. Rogers fantasy. I'd keep that one to yourself...ooops.

RED MOJO said...

I would love to market a "dumpster diving Martha" doll. You're a hoot!

Uncivil said...

I need to learn more about this "blood doping"? My sister-in-law is kickin' my ass in the local 5K's.

NYD said...

Why do we toss cabor in Scotland, Tuna in Australia, Martini's in New York and off when the lights go out?

This is science's greatest conundrum.

Sans Pantaloons said...

It is well known that caber tossing is the global control method for the Earth's gravitational field. The Scot's, who are the most depressed nation upon this planet, have engineered that 'Highland Games' occur at various sites all over the globe with the caber tossing aligned to lay lines sufficient to keep the gravitional field in stasis.
This is common knowledge.
This brought to you with assistance from another of Scotland's finest creations: Malt Whisky. If you do not send me immediately details of your bank account, I will place a cease & desist order on all Highland games, and you will suddenly fly off into space. You have been warmed. Blast, warned.
Ardbeg is best btw.
Wink.

VE said...

red mojo - Good idea. You could make it part of the trailer trash barbie line

uncivil - I think it involves needles and I'm averse to needles sticking in the body

nyd - Those are tough questions! I've never tossed the cabor but I have tossed the cookies before

sans pantaloons - I never knew that! Certainly worthy of my bank info...it's the one on the corner and the account number is 1

Jacki said...

I am a fan of Martha Stewart for her recipes, but I would love to see her work at McDonalds for the day.

VE said...

jacki - Yeah, imagine what she would do with a Big Mac

Mr Farty said...

I give in. Is Mr Rogers the one with the horse?