Saturday, May 17, 2008

Letters that Suck

We need to hold somebody personally responsible for the lack of foresight (and probably foreskin) in coming up with the English alphabet. Seriously dude/dudette; what were you thinking? You’ve ruined so many games with your unbalanced letters and words.

Poor X. Sure it is important because everyone knows that X marks the spot. Everyone knows what it means when you put three of them together too. But beyond that and like the original few seasons of X-Files and the X-Men, what other cool things does X have going for it?

But even though X is the destroyer for lack of words, other letters are surprisingly sucky in their own way too.

Take Q for example. It sucks for playing the alphabet game in the car. You know, going from A to Z by spotting the letters on signs, etc. You’re going through the alphabet and you’re immediately slowed by J but “Jct” is a predictable savior there. Then it’s sometimes hard at K and then finally you hit the dreaded Q! That’s right, your brain immediately tries to recall when the next Dairy Queen will be but alas, you passed that 20 miles ago and you’re relinquished to desperately scanning license plates of cars hoping you’ll get one there because let’s face it, there aren’t a lot of other options. Oh, and let’s not forget Scrabble either. Sure, you have the Q and its worth a lot of points when you put it on that quintriple letter square but the reality is that you’ve had it for like 11 turns and not a damn U has shown up on the board. WTF! It’s like the Old Maid…you need to pass that puppy to some other poor sap.

J is a problem. You wouldn’t think so but it takes me all of about one minute to cover the J words I can come up with quickly. After that…well…I need a fruity rum drink.

N is sneaky too. How many times do you sit there in some damn trivia game and wonder just why it is that there aren’t animals that start with the letter N? They’re still finding animals and weird crap in Borneo and the Congo; can’t they have a mandate to name them all with something that starts with N?

Let’s not forget Z also. Yeah, it’s last and it should be. What else has it got going for it other than the Zoo? I don’t think about ZuZu’s damn petals until Christmas time and everything else is too weird or exotic. Zebra? Sure but is the damn wild horse white with black stripes or black with white stripes. I shouldn't have to have that dilemma in my life. No, Z is just wrong too and somebody should have corrected it long ago.

31 comments:

Megan said...

Y called and was totally pissed off that N got a mention, but then I reminded it about yaks, yellowjackets, and yetis, just to name a few, and it had to back down.

N said...

I stridently protest and wish to be removed from your post!

Nabarlek [Australian Wallaby]
Naked Mole Rat
Nandu [flightless S.A. bird]
Narwhal
Nene [Hawaiian Goose]
Newt
Nightengale
Nine Banded Armadillo
Numbat [anteater]
Nurse Shark
Nuthatch

My lawyers and I await your answer.

Memarie Lane said...

K has always bothered me. I mean, what's the point? The C is pulling double duty, the K just lazes around eating bon-bons.

Jeff said...

Yeah, well what about letters like Ö or è? What are we supposed to do with those?

Serena Joy said...

X isn't all bad, though. I mean, there's Xena Warrior Princess. And xenophobia. Oh, and there's a Z word that'll make you think: Zoroastrianism. I like zebras better.:)

Uncivil said...

Jesus man.....J is too easy!
Jack Daniels
Jamaican Rum
Jameson
Jello Shooters

Ah hell.....Jello shooters with a little Jack, Jameson, and Jamaican rum!!!!

Maureen said...

A is such a snob.... always has to be first.

"Oh, look at me! I'm even the first letter in the WORD alphabet!!!"

leelee said...

"ZuZu's damn petals" lolololol

HUGS!

lime said...

but ya know, z is the best letter to use if you want to carve an initial into a wall or piece of clothing with a sword...zorro would be up a creek if he had to call himself something that began with a D. Not nearly so dramatic.

VE said...

megan - Y...what a whiner...oh wait, that's a w

quilly or n - How long did it take you to come up with that damn list of N animals! Ha ha. Naked mole rat? That's not an animal name...that's a lifestyle preference! Newt? As in Ginrich? Scary. Nurse Shark? What kind of dumb name is that? Like their gonna help your medical condition. They have the same remedy for everything: Eat it! Very good list though Mr. N!

marie - Ha! Too funny. Reminds me of the old Monty Python skit about an official certificate of some sort that has color spelled with a K in crayon. Maybe you had to be there...

jeff - Ignorance is bliss. Just pretend they are regular letters from an old typewriter that leaves ink residue at the top of the letters as they are clacked onto the paper.

sj - Zoro what??? Is that like fear of having a Z cut into your chest by Zoro? Those are good X words but it isn't going to swing X over to the popular fun side of the fence I am afraid

uncivil - I'm just jealous!

maureen - Ha! Excellent point of view. A...what an a hole!

leelee - I'm glad somebody laughed at that. It's not easy coming up with these obscure movie references you know!

lime - Ha! That's hillarious and you're right. I'm not skilled enough to do a Z. I can almost do a lower case i though. If I could just get that dot to go right above the line now...

Bonnie said...

N has spent way too much time reserching the subject.
We always played the alphabet game on the way to my grandmothers. there was an Antique store on the way. It was in exactly the right spot. Me, being the oldest I did catch on first and so I won more than the others. I have to agree though. Some letters just bite. Mind you when I play Scrabble I cannot ever put anything longer than 4 letter word together. I generally read more than 100 books a year. I don't get it. Must be the pressure of the game.

ChrisEldin said...

You just ragged on my favorite Scrabble letters. Dude.

Beth said...

Too add to the problem/confusion, here in Canada we pronounce the letter z as "zed." I'm not sure why (a British thing?) and it screws up the singing of the alphabet song - kind of ends it with a jarring, harsh sound.

RED MOJO said...

X is always at the end of sex. The end of sex is usually pretty good! I can forgive X, but Z, that's another matter. I have one in my last name, and people can't seem to wrap their heads around that. I spell it, and when I get to Z, they say..."C"?..."T"?..."G"?..."B"?..."D"?...
No, Z damnit! Write a frickin Z!!!

VE said...

bonnie - Yeah, but your probably the one that squeezes an a in between like four other words to make some ridicilous 4000 point score because you get to add up points for all of those words.

chris - Zen Scrabble is to yield point from the word CAT!

beth - You're mission is to retrain all Canadians to pronounce it correctly! I'll expect TPS reports weekly on this...

red mojo - That's a good point on X but since its not the leader, only the follower its not going to swing it to the popular side.

Anette said...

I think its unfair that yo get away with 26 letters, when we have 29! Æ Ø Å...

Anette said...

Sorry, forgot to explain:
Æ sounds like the the vokal in the word "and"
Ø sounds like the first vokal in the word "urge"
Å sounds like the vokal in "on"

Theresa said...

We should just delete Q. It can easily be replaced by K or C. Instead of Queen, we'll spell it Kween. No problem. And, maybe I'll finally win a Scrabble game.

Todd Camplin said...

Hey, every letter is beautiful in its own way. Although L could use a make over.

C said...

Great post!

I've learned that there are words like QI and QAT that exist. At least when I play Scrabulous against my friends, the computer permits them to use those! It bugs me when people use the Scrabble online dictionary/word unscrambler when playing a game, but I checked it out. Surprising how many words they've got that are not "frequent-use" words.

Just chuckling at Jimmy's comment. Would that be Jameson as in Jenna Jameson??? <3 ya, Jimbo!

VE said...

anette - More letters is just wrong. Imagine playing Scrabble in Japanese! What's with the little symbols too; couldn't they find any unique shapes to make letters out of those?

todd - True....well, no, I'm just going to have to disqualify Q there. I just can't do Q!

c - Ha. Boy, those Scrabble players...ridiculous. Where did they get those words and who uses QAT in a sentence? It sounds like a royal feline to me...

C said...

VE, this is totally not related to the post, but just had a funny conversation with a friend of mine on the phone. I noticed that on your profile, it reads that you are from Portland, Oregon. My friend is also from Portland and always laughs at me when I say the word "Oregon". The way I say it sounds more like /O/reh/g/aw/n/ and when he says it, it sounds like /O/r/g/uh/n/. LOL! We always have these weird misinterpretations of things when we talk, yet we both speak English! Oh, as he says...he speaks English and I speak 'Canadian'! LOL!

Anyway, once again this was a great post!

VE said...

c - Oh no, you're one of them! Yes, we like to spell it Orygun to help those that do not know how to pronounce it.

Alex L said...

Well thats english for you, half the alphabet is completely useless.

Kelley said...

What about poor H? Morons pronouncing it 'haitch'. Idiots. I have a bajillion in my long woggy last name and all the arsehats of the world insist on saying 'haitch'.

It is 'atich'. And 'atich' is gunna punch you in the pancreas when you least expect it for pronouncing it wrong.

Matt-Man said...

I just want to know whatever happened to the red letter that gets celebrated on certain days. Cheers!!

Jacki said...

"Silent" letters always drive me crazy....like Knife. Just spell it Nife. And Gnat. Just spell it nat. And Pnemonia. Just spell it nemonia.

VE said...

alex - Not completely, we can still use it to bitch about it

kelley - I like to pronounce all my H as silent. Its fun!

matt-man - That's a good point. What letter is the red letter day?

jacki - And let's not forget our friend the psychologist!

colbymarshall said...

Q should be taken out back and beaten with a large stick. Maybe then he could give up his co-dependent relationship with U. What a loser. (Besides, how do you think U feels? Q is kind of stalking him...maybe U should take out a restraining order...)

VE said...

colby - Ha ha. Co-dependency is so unattractive...especially in a letter!

Kurt said...

You make some excellent points.