Friday, May 23, 2008

Management Speak

Well that was fun partnering with Jeff; I've always enjoyed his blog. Yes, VE is available for joint posts (or joint replacements or just to smoke a joint). I might be a little later in the impromptu posts you suggested...Memorial Day weekend you know. But alas...on to our regularly scheduled post...

Management Speak

What they want to say…

VE, you are completely useless. You need to get to work on time. You need to actually do your work. You need to stop leaving early.


What they actually say…

VE, I wanted to keep you in the loop and proactively schedule a meeting to discuss synergy opportunities. I’d like to recommend our dynamic time management focus session on making forward progress towards the shared commitment constraints. By leveraging critical opportunities using our applied research you can begin achieving a beneficial cost-benefit margin. Also, an after action daily assessment will yield high-impact performance.

What they want to say…

I haven’t looked at your proposal at all; I barely have time to do anything I’m so overcommitted and I really don’t care about your proposal because it doesn’t support my career advancement.

What they actually say…

In reference to your proposal we’ve initiated a committee to restructure our entire priority system and evaluate useful input to better foster healthy dialog toward a sustained process improved environment.

What they want to say…

You’re fired. We want to cut costs to look good for our shareholders and keep our cushy management jobs. This is the easiest way to look good.

What they actually say…

After elaborate evaluation into readying ourselves for the new paradigm of the business climate of today and factoring in the global economic considerations, we’ve opted to allow ourselves to move away from hard SG&A costs and foster a more dynamic labor solution utilizing off shore resourcing.

24 comments:

Maureen said...

Ha!

It is sad and shameful that I actually can understand MS (Management Speak).

But I do hope that's not what REALLY was said to you...

Matt-Man said...

Ha. Truth is funnire than fiction, and I can hear these very words being spoken. Cheers VE.

We need to collaborate sometime, and I don't mean that in a sexual way, well...unless that's good for you. Cheers!!

Megan said...

I would put this post in my hall of fame but for one thing...

You didn't 'think outside the box.'

TGIF anyways...

VE said...

maureen - I often wonder about the people that talk like this. I want to say to them "go back to when you were 13 to 18...would you have thought you'd ever be talking like that?" Then why are you doing it now?!

matt-man - Collaborating with the matt-man...that's big league. Am I ready? Ha! I guess I'm up for the challenge. And unless you are Scarlett Johannsen I don't mean in a sexual way...

megan - Uggh. That's another good management speak isn't it? Why'd they put me in a damn box in the first place? And if you're not in a box, then your in an envelope. Same thing, different space issues...

Kurt said...

I hope they plan to maximize back-end convergence by transitioning customized methodologies and embracing extensible schemas.

VE said...

kurt - I know, I hate when they try to cover their asses through reorgs and slipping dates but saying its still a success.

Mrs. R said...

I'm with Maureen and Matt-Man. I would be laughing really hard right now if I wasn't so sick to my stomach because I've actually had conversations similar to this.

VE said...

mrs. r - There's still hope. Go hang out at the park with the homeless. They know nothing of this kind of talk and are the better for it...well, if they weren't homeless, dirty, and poor that is...

cathouse teri said...

I wish that doublespeak only applied to management.

Mother Theresa said...

So, you write this from experience? And they have time to say all this to you on the one day a year you go to work? ;)

Theresa said...

This is a blast! I love the way managers talk about my time management skills.
Real conversation:
Manager: "Theresa, do you think you could get to work on time if we changed your hours? Perhaps 1pm to 9pm?"
Me: "One o'clock sounds great, but I think my time management skills would greatly improve if I work 1 to 5 ..... but I don't want a salary cut, of course."
Manager: "Sorry, I'd REEEALLY like to do that, but if we do that for you, we'll have to do it for everyone else."
Me: "What if I have a doctor's note?"
Manager: "Hmmm .... I'll have to check with HR and get back to you."

VE said...

teri - Yes, it's getting ridiculous out there.

mother theresa - Nice try...no, I learned this from when I was foolish enough to actually go to work a lot.

theresa - For those about to slack...I solute you!!!

Beth said...

They can never accuse you of lacking in comprehension skills. You've caught on very well to the new BS corporate-speak.
I cringe when I hear it.

leelee said...

I'm self employed and I have those very same conversations..with myself. and I don't even know what a paradigm is..or even how to pronounce it.

:-\

Serena Joy said...

Don't you just love Corporate-speak?:-)

VE said...

beth - Oh I can talk the talk...but why. Its so much easier talking like a real person.

leelee - Ha! You have a pair of dimes? Is that what you said? ;)

sj - Well I love to make fun of it!

leelee said...

I thought it was pari-digum. No dimes..I have 1/2 dollars!

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

That's Management Speak. What about the all too pervasive horrors of Micro Management Speak?

Alex L said...

Whose got joints?

Ah managers, the lifeblood of the corporate world.

VE said...

leelee - I haven't seen a half dollar in years!

elastic - I run screaming at that speak!

alex l - I never said I had any. Probably management has them all!

Jacki said...

Oh how I hate the word synergy.

One of my former managers kept getting after me for not living up to expectations, but my response was always, well how can I if they are always changing???

VE said...

jacki - Yeah, synergy isn't a real word...it's management babble!

RED MOJO said...

Nice use of corporate buzz-lingo. Have you ever played buzz-word bingo? You make up cards like bingo cards and see who can get five in a row first at a large sales meeting or conference, etc. Fun! You have to be brave to yell out bingo though.

VE said...

red mojo - I HAVE played corporate bingo. I once made one for my boss who had all these sayings that only he would use...