Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Products that Didn’t Make it

Chia Crotch – Though a nifty idea; this product seemed to only sell well in Europe. At the time it came out, it seemed that crotch hair had given way to the latest shaved or groomed look. And even though they came out with a modified Chia “Landing Strip” Crotch it seemed that there was just no interest in maintaining yet another bush…

St. Peter’s Christmas Stocking – That’s right, you’re going to have to use your imagination. The Vatican blocked our ability to provide photographs of this item. This interesting penis Christmas stocking was the ultimate in naughty Christmas fun. While somber before Christmas it was still impressive hanging there all limp like. But come Christmas eve, well, the more stuffed into this bad boy stocking, the more excited it looked. Sadly, even though it had support from a surprisingly large group of cardinals the Vatican took actions to shut the product down. The testicles were salvaged to be used to hang off pickup trucks and rear view mirrors…

Exorcist Coffee Table – Another one we are simply not going to feature with a picture. Sure, we could have you do some mundane thing and then whamo…surprise you with this coffee table and laugh while you fall out of your chair as you visualize the hideous and creepy image with a sound bite that is 20 times the volume you normally have. Fun? Yes, but we’re more mature than that. No, this is the special coffee table designed to simulate Linda Blair’s character during her infamous upside down crawl down the home stairway in the movie. Though only out briefly and pretty much only selling to cults and goth teens this product could have made you the talk of your neighborhood as you set your tea cup down among the lifelike green puke covering part of the table…

Winnie the Pooh Hand Grenade – Oh; come on now. What’s not fun about launching this toxic plastic China-made Pooh grenade at all your so-called friends? I mean come on, Rabbit deserves it; he’s way too cranky and uptight to be living in the 100 acre wood. I’m sure he has his own weapons of mass destruction and one more careless comment from Owl or Tigger will just set him postal. Might as well off him now while its still safe. And Tigger? Better toss him one too before he bumbles his way into losing the honey pot. Really, which of them CAN you trust? Owl? He’s too smart for his own good. Eeyore? He’ll just bring you down. Christopher Robin? I’m sure he’s going to clear cut the 100 acre wood for cash for his meth habit down the road. Nope, this is a mandatory product that should have been produced…

35 comments:

ChrisEldin said...

Firsties!!!

I don't even know what to say.

I wanted to see that table though. Forget the Pooh Grenade.
Just saw Iron Man. Way cool movie. So glad I have two sons, because these movies are awesome!
:-)

Bee said...

I hear St. Peter was hung like a Chihuaha.

I used to go to a Catholic School where the principal, WHO WAS A PRIEST, could be bought for bottles of Puerto Rican Rum.

True story.

For some reason I always got good grades.

Marie said...

I think Chia Crotch might have done better if it was associated with male genitalia. I think it was in the original mock-up, with a choice of circumcised or not, but production costs were prohibitive.

iamnot said...

Actually, in Germany, it was Chia arm-pit...but she was a really nice girl.

quilly said...

I need to put your blog on my feed reader! I just wasted my leisurlely getting ready for work time on reading and laughing as I caught up on your posts!

VE said...

chris - It was just too difficult and unsettling to provide an adequate mock up of the table. I just saw Iron Man too..very cool!

bee - You were one of those BAAAD Catholic school girls huh? Cool...

marie - Ha! Excellent. Yes, sadly, costs were cut and with Lorraine Bobbet on the budget committee, well, you know what was cut first...

iamnot - Chia Armpit...too funny. It was kinda smelly though.

quilly - Just show up late...that's always the goal. Besides, funny is more important anyway.

leelee said...

Chia ANYTHING is funny!

HUGS!

Queen Goob said...

DAMMIT! I wanted to get that coffee table for my mother. What do I get her now?

EmmaK said...

The Chia Crotch will definately have its day in a few years when overzealous women who've plucked every last hair from their pudendas suddenly get caught short when in 2015 there is a huge fashion for bush. They will no longer be able to grow pubes themselves. They will need your help. Please patent this idea now.

Serena Joy said...

I don't see why we can't see the St. Peter's Christmas Stocking. I thought the Vatican had relaxed the rules. Ditto the Exorcist table, which I really, really need for one of my relatives. I want a bunch of those Winnie the Pooh grenades. I can't tell you why.:)

Jeff said...

The hand grenades were banned when Eeyore tried to take his own life with one. Fortunately he was even a failure at that. Oh bother.

VE said...

leelee - Yes, Chia is just funny.

queen goob - I know...demand has been high and production slow

emmak - Ha ha. The trends do make full circle eventually, don't they?

sj - I know, I got lazy in having a product photo for all of these but you have to leave something to the imagination. Ok on the grenades, but if I hear....

jeff - Poor Eeyore. If he could just come out one top once...

Beth said...

Aside from your usual (wicked) sense of humour, you know what impresses me most about this post? The fact that you know the names and personalities of the characters in Winnie the Pooh.
That's so sweet!

VE said...

beth - Thanks! I was having a down day (and I rarely have down days) so that was nice. I have often thought that there are very few kids movies that don't have something evil or scary in them...Pooh is an exception. Most of the Disney films, while fun for kids, have a pretty scary villian but Winnie's world is pretty peaceful.

Serena Joy said...

In that case, I'll take a couple of crates. And I know I can count on you not to rat me out if you hear any rumors.:)

VE said...

sj - Errr...that "Earthquake" in China...you didn't happen to get ahold of some already did you? Nevermind...I don't want to know. You can have your case...

Theresa said...

I agree with Emmak. The Chia Crotch is going to be a hit when the 70's porn look makes a come-back. Very erotic! There will be 15-year old boys across the country secretly growing them in their bedroom closets.

Jacki said...

Europeans approve of many things that Americans don't...like nudity. God forbid if someone should flash a boob on American TV, but violence is encouraged. In Europe it is opposite..nudity is natural, violence is not.

Lakota said...

ooooh blowing things up! i'm all over that. well, from a distance. i'm not stoopid.

Quickroute said...

C´mon i want pics of the Catholic stuff - You´re probably already damned to firey depths of hell anyways!

she said...

wait! the chia crotch didnt make it? then why is mine covered in green sprouts?? well. one should count her blessings...improves grazing opportunities. grrherhahahaha

i think tigger makes a better grenade. think about how he moves.

another funny post ve!!!

colbymarshall said...

I think a cool feature to add to Winnie the Pooh hand grenade would be for it to yell, "Oh bother...bitches!" just before it blew up.

VE said...

theresa - 15 year old boys will do anything crotch related...

jacki - It is backwards, isn't it?

lakota - Do you like to blow things up?

quickroute - Well it is true; I have a seat in hell reserved

she - You must have got one of the last Chia crotches!

colbymarshall - That's a good idea; we could have him saying lots of things I'll bet...

Megan said...

Horrible, horrible mental picture of Piglet pinning a grenade where Eeyore's tail used to be.

I would go to Confession but now I'm scared to...

Lakota said...

~nodding~
fire pretty.

Kelley said...

Great. Just about to go to bed but I think 'self, what about a little VE before bed' and self replied 'what a bloody good idea and then we can leave an inane comment and sleep smugly!'

And now self and I will be having nighmares about that Blair Bitch crawling down the stairs like a amputated spider.

Thanks.

Matt-Man said...

After I read St. Peter's Stocking, something called Virgin Mary Popcorn cluttered my thoughts.

There's no such thing...It's not funny...and yet, it is in my mind now. Odd. Cheers!!

VE said...

megan - Ha ha. Piglet...he's such an instigator!

lakota - You can be my honorary campfire maker. I'll stand waaay back!

kelley - Sorry about that. Of course many women say they need VE before bed...hahahaha...well, I can fantasize damn it...

matt-man - Yeah, those were right up your alley. Is that Virgin Mary popcorn the buttery kind?

C said...

LOL!!! The Chia Crotch totally cracked me up! Too funny! Imagine owning one of those!?!?

Colin Campbell said...

How about the Bum Roll. An underarm roller for your bum.

Maureen said...

"Pooh Grenade" brings to mind a whole other image...

Sorry, I'll try to grow up now.

RED MOJO said...

If Chia Crotch took off I would invent tiny little mowers called "Lady Lawn Cubs" and they'd be rechargeable, and pink, and have replacement mower blades that cost more than the mower.

VE said...

c - I imagine it all the time!

colin - Would you really want to roll it there again though?

maureen - Ha! That's not a pretty picture...

red mojo - Ha ha. Is that like razors? Do you have a mulching mower version? I don't like to bag the pubic grass.

Kurt said...

I would have bought the Winnie the Pooh Hand Grenade.

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