Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Smooth Farts

Hey...what's more fun than some potty humor?!! Yeah, yeah, I'm working on your requests and I'll get to them soon. Meanwhile, let's just drop right in to that gutter...

Ever notice that early in a relationship you have to work hard not to fart with noise? That’s right; it’s all covert smooth farting. The key is the initial release. If you can get by that one without a reverberation that sounds like your dragging a baseball bat across a metal picket fence then you’re home free. You’re free to push 12 kilowatts of methane out of your butt without ever being caught. Ok…if a smell goes with it you’ll have to use a clever diversion tactic…”Look honey, a clothing sale where everything is 70% off…” or something like that. But you miss that initial release and start sounding like a Harley needing a tune up and your gig is up. Busted. Embarrassed. Yes, it’s a dating prerequisite and the sooner you master it, the better off you’ll be.



You know…this calls for a song parody. I usually save those for the side panel but this one is special. It’s another take on Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sound of Silence”…

Hello background noises, my old friend
You’ve come to cover for me again
Because a fart is seriously brewing
Left its seeds before I knew what it was doing
And the bubbles planted in butt won’t be ceased
Until released
With the sound of silence

In crowded company I held it in
Trying to maintain an innocent grin
In the corner behind the floor lamp
I finally gave in when my butt got damp
When my butt exploded like a sonic boom
An embarrassing doom
That filled the room
But lucked out with the sound of silence

And in the after stench I did see
A hundred people just like me
People farting without blowing
People smelling without knowing
People making efforts at diverting blame
It’s all a game
With the sound of silence

Fools said I, you do not know
Silence hides a stink that does grow
Hear my words that I might teach you
I’ll plug my nose so I might reach you
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
It was the smell
From the sounds of silence

And the people’s bowels they were betrayed
A reverberating noise they made
The sound clearly flashed out its warning
Made it clear what had been forming
And the sound that erupted made it clear
Just what was going on here
After too much beer
And no sounds of silence.

55 comments:

Sarah said...

hahahhahahahaha
You know you have a keeper in a significant other or a good friend if you can fart in front of them without feeling mortified. :)

Thanks for your comment...so what did I miss after the credits?!

Kanrei said...

That is awesome. For me, instant fart= Target's DVD section. I cannot explain it or understand it, but everytime I go to Target and enter the DVD section, I let one go that forces me to leave the section and not buy anything. Maybe my butt is protecting my bank account.

VE said...

sarah - That's very true! And if you had stayed past the bazillion credits you'd have caught a preview of another segment of the movie (or perhaps a different movie). I got tipped before the movie luckily.

kan - That's just too funny. I feel sorry for the Target employees over there. They probably have Wanted posters of you behind the counters!

Memarie Lane said...

I used to have no appreciation for potty humor. But now I have small children.

Bee said...

When I was in Choir (don’t make fun of me, remember I went to catholic school so I either had to take Choir or Prayer. Easy choice since we did have *concerts* for which I was excused from ALLOT of classes to go *perform*. So there!) This was one of the songs we sang. I wish I would have known you back then and you had come up with this awesome parody. Maybe I wouldn’t have played Twisted Sister’s “we’re not gonna take it” over the loudspeakers instead of Pater Noster. I might have gotten in less trouble if I’d sang your parody.

Also, my brother in law would wait until he was in the car then light a cigarette and put up the volume on the radio. His girlfriend never suspected a thing.
And! My hubs and I have never passed the stinky infront of each other. We’ve been together 11 years.

Bee said...

"They probably have Wanted posters of you behind the counters!"

You mean wanted posters of HIS BEHIND behind the counters. ;op

VE said...

marie - That pretty much changes EVERYTHING doesn't it?

bee - Ha! Let's see now...11 years...man, there must be some great covert stories in there!!! Ha ha ha Oh, and Twisted Sister is so evangelical!

VE said...

bee - I'm BEHIND you on that theory!

Kurt said...

You may be interested in Benjamin Franklin's thoughts on this matter:

http://moonbughead.com/bj_fart.html

VE said...

kurt - Benjamin was a wise man! I thank him every year for inventing daylight savings time...

Theresa said...

Dutch Oven: When you fart in bed and then pull the covers over your partner's head.

My ex did it ONCE.

VE said...

theresa - I had a brother-in-law once who used to do that to his wife? That is just...weird. Ha ha

Kanrei said...

You mean wanted posters of HIS BEHIND behind the counters. ;op

Everyone has wanted posters of my behind, but that is an unreleated issue =P

Matt-Man said...

Yeah, that's funny and all that...Zzzzzzzz. Hey I couldn't find your email. Email me at neshobadude@yahoo.com.

I have a question, and no it doesn't involve penis size or sexual proclivity. Cheers!!

cathouse teri said...

You're crazy. :)

cathouse teri said...

(Also, I'm with Bee... I don't think you should EVER be comfortable enough with one another to "let one loose" in each other's company. Or anyone's company for that matter!)

VE said...

kan - Ha! Sound like YOUR fantasy... Good one!

matt-man - Zzzzzz. Oh. Were you asking something? I'll send it offline. Don't want to government to find me you know.

Teri - Crazy is as crazy does! And holding it in is just going to cause "Holding it in Bowel Disorder" a debilitating disease. Ask your doctor if farting is right for you...

cathouse teri said...

You're so silly. I didn't say "don't fart!" I said don't do it in front of people! :)

Reminds me of the old Steve Martin response when someone asks if he minds if they smoke. "Do you mind if I fart?"

Here's a fun story. A little boy of age three who was being potty trained by his mother were visiting my home when she took him in to the bathroom. The door was open so we could hear their conversation. They were just doing the usual potty room chat and when he pulled down his pants, he let out a little fart and then said, "Mama! My hole make a noise?!"

Jeff said...

I agree. I think fart noise is the ultimate relationship barometer of how comfortable you are with each other. You know you're truly comfortable with each other when you can just let 'em rip without embarrassment.

Great job on the song btw. I'll be singing that one all day.

Sornie said...

I remember the first time my then-girlfriend farted. It was dead silent in the house and we were looking through CDs and, bam, there it was. No apologies, no look of shame. Just fart, resonating across the hardwood floors.

Bee said...

I dunno, like I’ve said, my hubs and I have been together 11 years and we are very comfortable with each other but he respects the fact that I don’t want him polluting my senses with his butt wind.
I guess it all depends on each individual’s relationship with their loved ones.

leelee said...

why is it that potty humor is so funny...why I ask you?

Great Parody...

HUGS!

Jacki said...

LOL. It amazes me how amusing my daughter finds her farts right now. The other day she let a big one and said: "WOW, that sounded like a party noise maker!"

VE said...

Teri - Kids are so funny that way aren't they? As my cousin used to say "Only the Truth is Funny" (he is a comedian)

jeff - I'm gonna put it in my next set of vows! That'll be proactive!

sornie - Ha ha. It makes it sound like you dumped (sorry for the pun there) her for that!

bee - Come on now. Butt Wind cologne is the BEST!!!!

leelee - It's always funny. Kids figure that out really early too.

jacki - Party noise maker. Hah! Years later it might be a party eliminator!

Mrs. R said...

Ah, the stealth fart days, I miss those. Now my husband will literally raise his buttcheek if he's sitting down to better enable his fart to escape.

Mr Farty said...

What? Why is everyone looking at me? *cough*

Toot toot!

Megan said...

You know, single life has its drawbacks, but at least I don't have to worry about this issue.

(Ha! Issue!)

VE said...

mrs r - Ha! Nothing like an early warning system...

mr. farty - I should have dedicated this post to you my friend!

megan - Yes, there are actually hermits and widows out there right now farting up a storm!

Anndi said...

I don't know what you're talking about. I don't fart. And if I did, it would smell like cotton candy and multi colored sparkles would come out of my butt as a chorus of angels played the trumpet to some lovely pastorale type ditty... but I don't fart.

This reminds me that my father told me once, after asking me to pull his finger (shut up, I was very little and always obeyed my father - it's a commandment for Christ's sake) that he had seen a headstone with the following inscription:

"Let your wind go free,
twas my wind kill me"

I suspect he was lying to me, but won't own up to it to this day.

You rock, you know. My blog crush is getting bigger every day.

justacoolcat said...

The only thing I call smooth farting is leaving one in a store aisle for someone else to stumble upon.

VE said...

anndi - Damn girl..angels and all? You seriously need to start farting! Ha ha. Oh...and could you pull my finger...

justacoolcat - I have a feeling you enjoy such a manuever! Leave it in the produce isle and then blame it on the Durian Fruit...they smell like that anyway.

Serena Joy said...

See, this is why you need a dog. Everybody expects a dog to fart at will so everybody automatically assumes the dog did it, and nobody ever yells at the dog for it.:)

VE said...

sj - Ha ha. That's like that poster that says "Beer...helping ugly people get laid since 1842." or something like that. I can see it now "Dogs...taking the fart blame for their owners since 1744"

quilly said...

VE, in reference to your talent as a song writer -- don't quit your day job.

Jeff' said...

Brilliant. I love a good parody. Just make sure it's not funnier than mine, next time. ;-)

VE said...

quilly - Don't worry. I never use the word talent and song writing!

jeff' - I'll try to not rhyme more often for you

Alex L said...

Nothing better than letting one go... no thats it nothing witty or intelligent to say, I just love farts.

MJ said...

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
Oh... *whew*... now my stomach hurts.. lol

lime said...

lol, you really are not a well man....which is probably why i enjoy coming here.

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

I love the song. I think i'll start memorizing the words because it could easily be the anthem in this house...My husband is a gas bag!

Beth said...

Hey, have you been hanging around with my kids? This is such a male topic/activity.

VE said...

alex l - That's why farting is great. It's like they said in The Matrix..."sometimes you have to let it all go"...

mj - Repeat daily...it's a good ab workout!

lime - Nope, not a well man, sometimes a swell man, usually a swill man

arizona - Ha! Yes, read the words, learn the words, BE the words!

VE said...

beth - Male topic. Well, except those 16 or so women that commented that is ;)

NYD said...

Ya know, I've just never bothered with any kind of annular control. I just let them fly and follow up with the phrase, "Hey, I'm a Fartist."

"dragging a baseball bat across a metal picket fence", hasgot to be one of the funniest descriptions of a butterblast I have ever heard.

Oh, yeah. In your magazine post you forgot to make Feel & Scream. - For the outdoorsy types.

VE said...

nyd - If I had to pick a team of interesting writers; you'd be on it! Annular control... Fartist... Perfect! Feel & Scream; I wish I'd thought of that one! Ha ha ha

Kelley said...

I am totally singing that to Boo. I did a fart post today too.

But then again I do one at least once a month anyway, so nothing new there.

VE said...

kelley - Are you farting around again?!!

colbymarshall said...

HAHA!! A talent worth learning...

VE said...

colby - Everybody has to have a talent!

Windyridge said...

Oh My God that was hilarious!

VE said...

windyridge - Welcome...and thanks!

Anndi said...

You want me to pull your finger? I tell you I have a blog crush and you don't take advantage.. oh wait.. that's ... um... *blush*

VE said...

anndi - That's right...you had the blog crush and I blew it! Dang I hate when that happens! ;)

freetheunicorns said...

I heart farting. This tips are great for the early stages of a relationship. But if you find a woman who enjoys farting too, oh boy, life is sweet.

mrsmouthy said...

Oh man. When we were first dating, my husband and I had the fart talk and he told me he'd know we were truly in love when one of us just let it go in front of the other. A week later, I don't know where it came from--I just ripped a fierce one. It was totally premature, but my husband took it as a sign of true love, farted himself, and we've been together ever since. Pffft.