Monday, June 09, 2008

Eggs

You know, Beth asked me to write about eggs. That seems like a pretty bland subject, doesn’t it? But when you get right down to it, what isn’t weird about eggs?

First off, I’m not really into eating other embryos…so why eggs? That is why I go “Nah nah nah” and ignore trying to reason with just what I’m eating there. I don’t want to think about it; I just want my damn eggs over easy with toast.

Shape



Ok, what prankster came up with the shape of an egg? You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s a ridiculous shape. You can’t really roll it or throw it; it isn’t round. But it will roll and thanks to it’s fragility it will also break! You can’t stack them without one of those elaborate egg containers.

Ok, sure, it’s tapered and all but I can’t think it’s that pleasant for the chickens to lay. It’s too wide. If they were going for pleasant that egg would be a lot more narrow and better tapered! Nobody enjoys taking a giant dookie that is the shape of a grenade; you need a nice proper width and taper here folks. But I digress…



I figure if we’ve now been able to make watermelons square, its only a matter of time before we’ll have square eggs too. I’ve been working with the Germans on this very thing for years now. The great thing about the Germans is that if it involves science, engineering or world domination they are eager to sign up.

The secret is to start at the source: the chickens. We’ve been giving them slide rulers and teaching them tax auditing in the hopes of having the squarest chickens around. Square chickens should hopefully yield square eggs…just give it a couple of millennia for the DNA to adjust…

But the human race is so impatient. That’s too long to wait. So while we cannot yet produce a square egg with the shell on, we can sure as hell develop one after you take the shell off. Because square hard boiled eggs are so cool!
Shell

Here’s another ridiculous thing about eggs: their shell. Oh sure, great for the chick to peck its way out of but a pain in the rear for us embryo consuming maniacs.

How many times have you had to try and fetch an egg shell from the scrambled egg bowl? It’s not easy. The egg forms this invisible goo barrier that somehow prevents you from actually reaching the shell; it’s always sliding the shell just slightly out of reach. Infuriating. But thanks to technology I’m working on….no more!

Oh, and how about those people that actually blow all the contents out of the egg and then paint the shells. I’ve got advice for you folks. Go get some river rocks and paint them! First off, you won’t have to blow on them for hours. Secondly, they won’t get crushed at the next Earthquake…

Dishes

Finally, let’s consider all the crazy things we make with eggs…

Scrambled Eggs. What’s up with this idea? How many other things do you see scrambled for enjoyment? I don’t take my pancakes and scramble them up into a big fluffy heap and serve them. I don’t mash up my hamburger into a hideous pile and sprinkle salt and pepper on it! This seems entirely wrong!

Deviled Eggs. Granted, I could eat these until I explode. I have no control. But why do they call them that? Are they going to be serving these in hell? That’ll be just fine with me! Isn’t this kind of weird to serve like this? It’s sort of like carving out a watermelon and then taking what you carved out, whipping it up with some other ingredients and then throwing it back into the watermelon. Weird.

Egg salad Sandwich. Another weird one. I see the egg, but I don’t see the salad. Why do they call this a salad? I don’t see any tomato. I don’t see any carrot or cucumber. Is this like a Caesar salad? I don’t see any croutons.

Color

Ok, one more thing. Aren’t you secretly disturbed at seeing brown eggs? No, it’s not a racial thing…they just happen to look like turds. I don’t really want to be cracking open a big brown turd.

Ah, I could go on an on about eggs. Like I said, they’re weird.

44 comments:

RED MOJO said...

In my Hell it would be chock full of deviled eggs! I hate hard-boiled eggs like nobody's business! They are like edible farts. They stink, they're so gross. They make me want to spew chunks, and if you've eaten one, don't even think about kissing me until you've brushed your teeth, gargled with mouthwash, sucked on some Altoids, flossed, and had a professional cleaning done!

Quickroute said...

but what I want to know is, which came first, the chicken or the egg or the easter bunny?

Mrs. R said...

I am still laughing about your solution for egg shells. You should patent that, I'd buy it. I hate egg shells.

cathouse teri said...

You are amazing! You can take one little thing and make a whole post about it! Even an egg, by God!

And to find out you could say even more, well that's beyond amazing.

You are too much. :)

So, tell me. Do you write about anything anyone tells you to write about?

VE said...

red mojo - Ha ha. You've done an excellent job making it clear you don't hard boiled eggs!

quickroute - That was proven by science about a year ago...it was the egg but my vote was on the Easter Bunny...

mrs. r - Me too, I hate egg shells. Yeah, I would be spending a long time in the patent office if I ever pursued all my ideas...

teri - Thanks. Yes, occasionally I open the request line and ask for topics to write on and then I do them. I'll take requests if somebody asks and do one; I just don't do it too often because then it feels like work and a lot of times I like to do my own stuff too. Like with this latest batch, I had about a dozen requests but I have been putting in some of my own stuff in between getting these requests done also. Either it takes me awhile to figure out what to do on a request or I'm just in the mood to do my own on a given day. So if you're interest in something, just ask. No guarantees but I believe I've fulfilled all my requests in the past.

Sarah said...

"Deviled Eggs. Granted, I could eat these until I explode. I have no control. But why do they call them that? Are they going to be serving these in hell? That’ll be just fine with me!"

LOL~ Darn it does that mean no deviled eggs in heaven!?

VE said...

sarah - Don't worry...I'll probably end up in hell (it would be just my luck) so I'll mail you some

Kurt said...

There are square watermelons?

leelee said...

Yeah I like Deviled eggs too..but don't put relish in them....yuck!

Your post inspired me to go over the The American Egg Board, to read more about The Incredible Edible Egg. There is a page with egg recipes for your pets..how about:

EGG CATIATORE FOR FLUFFY

and

EGG DOGUIGNON FOR FIDO

I learn something everyday here..

HUGS!!

Bee said...

I have a weirdo friend who can’t eat eggs if the little white thing isn’t pulled out of them before cooking.

She’s a real nutball that one.
Her name starts with *B* and ends with *e*.
Well, at least she’s still got her looks. Maybe for another year or two anyway.

VE said...

kurt - You gotta get out of the house more. Send your interns to fetch one for you...they'll have to go to Japan, of course!

leelee - All that egg eating though leads to some BAAAD gas I'm afraid...

VE said...

bee - Really? I heard she looks like Lars and can be a wee bit moody on Mondays...

leelee said...

god even worse for pets I'm sure...



P U

Beth said...

You did it! Amazing.
I tried to come up with a boring-as-hell subject and you went with it...
I've always wondered who first (and why) decided eggs were edible.

BTW - to get a piece of eggshell out of the raw egg goo - use another bit of egg shell to scoop it out. I have no idea why it works but it does.

VE said...

leelee - Yes, those doggie egg dishes are a prank in disguise...

beth - Perhaps the goo let's the egg shell in because they are family...

Tammie Jean said...

Cubed eggs. Wow. Was this one of those revolutionary gadgets that was all the rage back in the 60's or 70's? I bet my grandmother had one...

cathouse teri said...

And how should I ask you, dear Henry, dear Henry?

Jacki said...

The egg shell tab is a great idea! Like you, I hate having to fish out little piece of shell out of the egg.

Kanrei said...

Not so much an embryo as a period really....makes it sound so much better, huh? It is a fowl menstration...get it?

Shape- I think it is to ease the thing out of the butt. Small, then slowly becoming larger. Imagine the pain a triangle would cause!
Square would hurt way too much as well.

I scramble my Chinese food. The lumpier the better.

I poach food often at work when I find something tasty in the fridge that is not mine.

Eggs- it could be worse.

Megan said...

I've been trying for an hour to think of a witty comment about eggs.

That about says it all right there.

Funny stuff, VE.

iamnot said...

Deviled eggs...twice baked potatoes...is there a pattern here?
I never bake my twice baked potatoes twice.

Can't wait to find out what Teri asks you to write about. Should be interesting.
"Rack-em up!"

Serena Joy said...

You certainly know your eggs. LOL. After reading some of these facts, I may never eat them again. They do look pretty painted, though. Maybe I'll just color some and look at them -- and try some cubing experiments.:)

Bee said...

Okay, I need to clarify something here.

Yes, I may look like Lars but in his younger years. THAT should count for something, right?

Right? (:'o{

Maureen said...

Okay, I DO admit to blowing out dozens of eggs for Easter decorating over the years. I've airbrushed, painted and done wax dipped eggs.

Unfortunately, from the shards I have found afterward, they also apparently make great cat toys. For a very short period of time, that is.

Damn felines.

Anndi said...

We do need a solution to the egg shell problem. I mean, if you don't get a that little piece of it out and actually end up eating it ... well.. you do realize what orifice it comes out of yes? *shudders*

Jeff said...

Wow, you never cease to amaze me with your ability to write something substantive about nothing. You're like the Seinfeld of bloggers.

I can't remember... do I have a request in the queue?

ADW said...

I am an egg blowing fiend. I love blowing eggs and I try to do it at least once a year. Of course my cheeks are numb for hours afterwards, but really, what isn't to love about the trials and tribulations of getting that perfectly blown.... egg.

Dee said...

you've heard this before! You have a great blog!

angie said...

I had NO idea anyone could find so many things to say about eggs. Congratulations.

VE said...

tammie jean - Where you been, girl? Been missin' you out in blogland. Yes, I think that they are from the 60s or 70s.

teri - Just ask me. You've already got somebody else itchin' to see what you will ask...

jacki - Yeah, if evolution would ever catch up, chickens would be layin' them with the pop top...

kan - Thanks for that visual! Yeah, square and triangular isn't the way to go either...for laying that is. But I'm no spring chicken....ha ha ha (go ahead, laugh)

megan - We've all been there before (well, maybe not at an egg post..but you know what I mean)

iamnot - Good analogy...hadn't thought about twice backed potato before this. Wonder what other weird two timing concoctions there are...

sj - Cubing experiments...sound dangerous! Ha ha

bee - Oh sure...just keep justifying there. That'll help!

maureen - Hope you're not in Earthquake country...or you're gonna have a LOT of cat toys

anndi - (butt cheeks squeezing...) Now that is a visual I didn't need to have... ha ha

jeff - Yeah, smarty pants...you suggested I do one on confusing song lyrics...right before we partnered on that one! See, you missed your window for something truly bland for me to write about!

adw - The perfect blow...checks numb...is that a wide open invitation for some comments, or what!!! ha ha

dee - Thanks dee, I'm having fun with it!

angie - It's kinda scary how I can do that on any subject isn't it?

justacoolcat said...

I eggspect much out of this new egg technology. Eggspecially since you've perfected square egg. Eggceptional.

colbymarshall said...

What'd ya suppose started them being called "deviled eggs?" Did the devil come buy and put a special curse on them before serving, thus making them "deviled"?

Theresa said...

Have you ever seen an ostrich egg? They are practically the size of your head. Imagine trying to blow out one of those. Your eyeballs would pop out of your head.

VE said...

justacoolcat - Dang, I waited a long time until somebody did that..can't believe it took that long!

colby - Yeah, beats me why.

theresa - I have. I had one in Africa. I had Ostrich too...I didn't much care for it. You are right though, it would take FOREVER to blow that one out.

cathouse teri said...

You mean right here in front of everyone? So you're into that, eh?

Alex L said...

Who ever invented the egg squarer is getting a slap.

Kelley said...

better than them being red cause they are chicken menstruation...

Oh and you are just feeling delayed jealousy at my awesome iEgg from Easter.

Queen Goob said...

Eggs are GREAT! Just down six or seven of them before a long family roadtrip....not many things more fun that that, especially if you're at the wheel with the window lock under your control.

Oh, and the egg shelling solution? Brilliant!
!

NYD said...

What the hell is an egg?

Jeffrey Ellis said...

Hey VE, speaking of Easter Bunnies, did I ever mention that I have a great aunt Bunny? Only Bunny is her middle name, her first name is Esther. Yep, that's right, Esther Bunny, go ahead and laugh.

But it gets worse. Her last name is Bock, and she married a man named Bock (no relation, as far as we know), and she -- get this -- she hyphenates her last name. So when she gave us presents at Christmas time, we would say:

THANKS ESTHER BUNNY BOCK-BOCK!

(sorry, couldn't resist)

VE said...

teri - If you want to email me off the comment area my email address is ewelter1 at comcast dot net

alex - Slap on!

kelley - I'm gonna pretend I didn't read that first part. Yes, I'm jealous of your easter post!

queen goob - Oooh, you are cruel. I like it!

nyd - Better that you don't know!

jeffrey - Really? Oh wait...that's the Cadbury commercial! Good one...

C said...

I never imagined you writing about eggs, but somehow you make them seem oh, so interesting. LOL!

Egg shells in scrambled eggs suck. I try to pass them off for "crunchy" secret ingredients, but my husband can see right through my lies.

PracticallyJoe said...

I just learned something interesting I'd like to add about eggs ... egg shells can clog up your sink if you throw them into your garbage disposal. You may think you're getting rid of them ... but you're not. Our plumber, who had just cleared our backed-up sink drain said "I'm done, all is cleared except for probably a few eggshells." Witnessing my look of disbelief, he crawled back under our kitchen sink, (once again displaying his butt-crack, ugh!)... removed the trap, held it out to me and asked ... "Look, what do you see?" ... sure enough ... egg shells.

VE said...

C - Crunchy secrets...Ha! Nice try on that one!

practicallyjoe - I never knew that...sounds disgusting! I mean the butt crack and all...