Monday, June 09, 2008

Linoleum

Ok, moving right along. Who would have thought I'd have the opportunity to write comedy about linoleum but thanks to Serena Joy’s request, here you go:

Linoleum: It’s been around since 1860 and it’s been awkward and difficult ever since. First off, nobody but the spelling nerds can spell it correctly. Second off, half of the world’s population has trouble pronouncing it correctly as well.

It’s long been the butt of many jokes…

But there is a new development in place to put linoleum back in the limelight. With the ever growing costs of Astroturf maintenance coupled with the recent worries from the NFL that the game play has softened from back in the heyday 70s; linoleum is about to see a comeback.

That’s right, effective immediately, all football fields will now be covered over with linoleum. “When you get tackled by a 850 pound linebacker on THIS stuff, you’ll feel it alright!” And so will the audience. Recent studies have shown that the violence and blood crazed audience did indeed approve of the harder surface.

“We like it because it adds an element of slickness to the game too. Sort of like when the teams actually had to play outdoors in the rain or snow,” quoted one NFL official.

“Indeed, if this works out we’ve considered moving toward two possible future additions:

1. Players only play in socks. Imagine all the slipping and carnage?

2. We move from linoleum right to bare metal. It’s still smooth…but waaay harder to land on.

The injuries should go through the ROOF! Ha ha ha.”

Linoleum…it’s not just for ugly kitchens anymore!

44 comments:

Jeff said...

I just covered up all my lenohleeuhm (you're right, that is hard to spell!) with ceramic tile. Who knew it was coming back in style?

Kanrei said...

Ya know, I have never seen the word " linoleum" written down before in my life. I must admit, that is not how I thought it was spelled.

Football with socks on linoleum I think would be hockey.

I missed this place last week and I could have used the laughs. I am so sorry I was AWOL, but it was a heavy week.

MJ said...

Sounds good to me. For me, pure violent carnage would make up for the fact that the sport is so dang slow.

Kurt said...

How come you can only walk on a man for twenty years? What happens after twenty years?

VE said...

Jeff - Don't worry...you can pull all the tile up in a few years and reveal your old linoleum then. Sort of like restoring hardwoods...only not

kan - Yeah, it would be sort of like hockey except there wouldn't be any sticks to use as weapons

mj - I know; carnage always makes up for slow

kurt - Mid life crisis! Usually either ends up with divorce, a sports car, yoga and travel or going postal

Queen Goob said...

So will the lenowlium (I'm with you and Jeff) have an imprint of grass on it before they lay it down to get that "real-grass" feel?

VE said...

queen goob - Yes, they'll project a holographic image that gives it the appearance of lush green grass along with all the yardage markers.

Sully Sullivan said...

I've been afraid of linoleum since my breakdancing days when my friend buffed up our square with Pledge and didn't mention it. Needless to say, I haven't done a head spin since.

VE said...

Sully - Ha! I love a good prank. The last time my head spun it wasn't the result of break dancing though...probably from too many fruity rum drinks.

cathouse teri said...

So football will now be like hockey?

Slip sliding away...

ADW said...

It's also great for dog nails. Our dogs just love digging out gouges in the floor.

RED MOJO said...

I have already replaced my lawn with "grass-look" linknowleeum (the k is silent) and it really cuts down on the mowing! It's easier not to step in dog poo too!

RED MOJO said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Memarie Lane said...

The first image won't load all the way for some reason. I would totally watch football if they played on linoleum. Naked. With roller skates.

cathouse teri said...

I just read the comments. Sorry about the double-hockey twist. :)

And even though, yes, I was thinking of the slippery-sockies aspect of it, I was also thinking of the harder landing surface, and what would definitely be blood smeared all over to slip around in.

Nice!

VE said...

teri - Yes, it's not until you add the sliding aspect that you narrow down the over-testosterone heavily padded sport to Hockey, is it?

VE said...

adw - That could be a great mascot...a giant dog with huge nails slipping around and wrecking havock at halftime.

red mojo - Ha! You are ahead of your time! I replaced mine with a skate park and charge admission to the neighborhood punks to use it.

marie - It says "Linoleum is like a man...if you lay it right the first time you can walk all over it for 20 years"

teri - Blood is good...at least based on some of the movies they've put out in the last few years. I saw Sin City for the first time and just have to say...wow; that's a lot of blood in that one...

Megan said...

In the town where I grew up, there was a store called Linoleum Dicks.

I don't know if the owner's name was Dick, or what, but once we reached a certain age, oh boy, the jokes never ended...

VE said...

megan - Ha! I can only imagine those jokes!

Quickroute said...

I remember it well - We used to call it 'Lino' for short (lazy Irish) and the knackers a.k.a. tinkers (that's gypsies to you yanks, or pikies if you're a brit) used to offer to sell it and lay it at bargain prices back in the ol' sod.

They usually helped themselves to the contents of your house as they did the job!

Mother Theresa said...

And they should play nekkid! Oops, got a little carried away there. I meant to say they should play only wearing socks. ;)

Mrs. R said...

You know what could produce more carnage than football players and linoleum? Rugby players and linoleum.

Sornie said...

I'm hoping to see the NFL move to a playing surface consisting of rusty nails and glass chards.

Maureen said...

Do they have a huge Swiffer broom Zamboni to clean the field at half-time?

cathouse teri said...

Oh yeah. But have you seen The Descent?

Jacki said...

LOL at the first picture. I must be doing something right, 'cuz I get anything I want from Peter.

VE said...

quickroute - That's handy that they cleaned out your house too...it saves time when you want to move.

mother theresa - Hold your horses there...that's the second request I've had for nekkid (ok, socks) football today! I've got a nekkid skydiving request post coming this week...that should satisfy.

mrs. r - I've heard that. Why do they call it Rugby anyway? I've NEVER seen them play on a rug...

sornie - Baby steps...baby steps. We all want to get to that level of blood and carnage but it takes time to drop our moral values...

maureen - Awesome! You win the nifty comment invention award (I just invented that award...and there will be no prizes, sorry)

teri - I haven't seen that. My kids are too whimpy to watch those kinds of movies yet and my girlfriend doesn't like violent or scary movies so I have to see them with friends or by myself.

jacki - That's funny...perhaps you should call him you peteroleum; it's like petroleum but cheaper to use!

Carla said...

Yep, you're right. I never could spell linoleum. And the stuff scares me.

leelee said...

L
I
N
O
L
E
U
M


Just call me..leelee the spelling nerd

HUGS!

Serena Joy said...

Well, I'll be damned -- you DID do something funny with linoleum. Kudos! And the comments just make it that much funnier. I bow before your comedic prowess.:-)

Beth said...

Never mind being given the opportunity - who'd have thought you could write something humourous about linoleum?
God, you're good.

Anette said...

nothing beats a bit of floor humour!

VE said...

carla - But it feel so natural to the hands! ha ha

leelee - Very good. You are a spelling GOD!

sj - Just for you! Way to challenge me though!

beth - Thanks. And guess what? You're up next with: eggs!

anette - I know; I've been telling all my friends there just isn't enough floor humor out there

Maureen said...

Really? Really??? I WON the NCIA????

OMG. I have so many people to thank. My mom and dad, hubby and daughter for all their support throughout the years, my...[music begins playing as she is dragged offstage]

Mr Farty said...

We used to have lino in the kitchen and mum was so proud of it, she polished it all the time. With a special wax polishing machine. Until my brother slipped on it and broke his leg. Ah, happy memories!

VE said...

maureen - I know, you should have some trendy button to paste onto your blog that really just advertises MY blog. How sneaky is that? I'm sorry they turned the music on and dragged you away but once you start thanking schoolmates for trading lunches with you in the third grade...well...there has to be line in the sand somewhere

mr. farty - I heard she polished it JUST to have him break his leg...

damon said...

Linnolium rules! And puttin 300 pound guys in their socks on it is just freakin hillaireus!

Uncivil said...

I'll take Linoleum over hardwood and laminate floors any day,
but Ceramic tile is me favorite!!!!

NYD said...

I want a pair of jockey shorts made out of linoleum. Think of all the money I'd save.

VE said...

damon - I can add you to the pro linoleum carnage tally I see...

uncivil - I cannot do grout...grout is BAD. I hate grout and it hates me.

nyd - Wouldn't that give linoleum itch though?

Alex L said...

I was laid right the first time...

Dale said...

I can't wait for waxy yellow buildup to halt a game. The blood will probably cover it thought I guess.

Matt-Man said...

Linoleum...It's what's for dinner. Cheers!!

VE said...

alex - Well at least you had that! ha ha ha

dale - Good one...yeah, we'll probably have some guys with big buffers running out between plays trying to remove the buildup and keep that surface slick; either that or they just poor more blood out there

matt-man - Well it is part of a balanced dinner...