Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Milking the Movies

Ok…gotta put the requests on hold; my arm is hampering my ability to write these things quickly. This one was already written though…

Have you seen the latest Hollywood news? Yes, that’s right; Eddie Murphy is going to do another Beverly Hills Cop. With Harrison Ford paving the way for old actors to revive their formerly famous young roles who knows what is up next in this new fad. Well, VE has a pretty good idea:

Mission Impossible

That’s right, a spry Peter Graves will be reenacting his role in Mission Impossible. Tom Cruise wasn’t available as he was on another “I am not really gay” Scientology promotion tour disguised as a movie promo. Peter, at 82, did all his own bathroom stunts and only had to nap twice during shooting. The whole theme of the segment: making him look young still…

Gilligan’s Island


That’s right; the Professor, Mary Ann and Ginger will be starring in a new segment of the original Gilligan’s Island. We caught up with the money-grubbing director and had this interview:

VE: How can you possibly have another segment of the show with Gilligan, Skipper and the Howells all deceased?

Director: The storyline has them all lost on the far side of the island

VE: That seems ludicrous; they’ve been on that island forever, they would know every piece of that island.

Director: Our genius scriptwriter wrote in Amnesia

VE: What about Ginger. Hasn’t she been at odds with this show since she quit?

Director: She still is. We’re having this blogger geek Photoshop in her former image into every single screen shot instead.

VE: Won’t she look odd that was considering the Professor and Mary Ann will look much older?

Director: Easily explained; we unfroze her…she hadn’t aged.

VE: Where’d you get ice on a tropical island?

Director: A very deep cave….

Lawrence of Arabia

Yes, Peter O’Toole will be back in the desert. Rumor has it that warm climates are good for the elderly so Peter signed up right away. Quoted one special effects person on the set “we didn’t need a lot of make up to shoot the blistering in the desert scene again because Peter’s skin already looked like it had been too long in the desert.” Again, VE investigators were first on the scene for this interview:

VE: Didn’t Lawrence clearly die in a motorcycle accident in the original movie?

Director: That was just a smokescreen…a double-bluff

VE: Isn’t that what Kevin Kline’s character in A Fish Called Wanda said?

Director: That doesn’t mean it wasn’t true

And there you have it; the current active workings of has-been actors milking their formerly great roles. Rumor has it if things go well we’ll have Mickey Rooney, Ernest Borgnine, and Kirk Douglas starring in a Three Men and a Baby remake.

33 comments:

Jacki said...

And from what I've heard....the new Indiana Jones movie isn't that great. The moral of the story....after 20 years some characters should just be retired.

Megan said...

Don't knock Peter O'Toole. One time he was getting drunk at some country pub with his pals, and it was closing time, so since they wanted to keep drinking, they bought the bar.

VE said...

jacki - I've always felt that way about Garfield. I find him unfunny. There hasn't been a new joke for 20 years on that comic. You're right...just retire!

megan - Now that's funny!

cathouse teri said...

Oh come on! Mary Ann looks much better than that! You got the ugliest picture you could of her!

My dad was going to name me Tina, after Tina Louise. God help me. Can you imagine me as a Tina? What would my personality have turned out to be like then?

Instead, he named me Teresa, after the street we lived on (Terrace). So I was named after a street instead of a beauty.

I prefer it that way.

VE said...

Teri - Humor has its price. Yes, that was the worst picture of Mary Ann! But it still doesn't change the fact that they should just leave some pop culture characters alone. We don't need to have Sean Connery do another James Bond at 77! Also, looking at your photo; I can't see you as a Tina for some reason.

cathouse teri said...

Well I like the new Indiana Jones movie. (Although I haven't seen it.) And I loved the new Rambo movie. (I did see it.) But you are right. They are stretching it with trying to revive the dead.

And no, I'm no Tina. No offense to Tinas of the world. I'm not even a very good Teresa.

VE said...

Teri - I saw both of those. I liked them. I'm pretty easy to please at a theater though because I expect nothing going in.

Bee said...

GILLIGAN DIED!! What the hell! He was such a lovable little scamp!
:o{

Peter O'Toole looks like his been exhumed.

Michelle Ann said...

It would be better if these "sequels/remakes" start with a reality show detailing the extensive process to make over these "celebrities" to their once beautiful status. Then, put them in the movie. As an audience, we would feel so...invested. Ewh

leelee said...

that foot is too gross...

as is Maryanne!

{{{{{{shudder}}}}}}}}}

VE said...

bee - Sorry to break it to you about Gilligan. Looks like you haven't been keeping up so I'll update you. George Washington is dead too. So is Albert Einstein. Nearly all the munchkins are dead now. Even John Belushi is dead.

michelle ann - Good idea...we can categorize that under science fiction horror...

VE said...

leelee - Now you know I'm gonna shock ya with photos from time to time! You need to know and see this nonsense! ha ha

Sully Sullivan said...

What about Leslie Nielson reviving The Naked Gun blandchise and bringing back his bumbling wife murdering side kick, OJ Simpson.

Kurt said...

He did all his own bathroom stunts, indeed.

Quickroute said...

The worst part about resurrecting these shows / movies and actors is they are no longer entertaining - leave the past in the past I say!

lime said...

that last one is the stuff of nightmares...really

Beth said...

You're brutal - but funny...
(And those pictures are brutal, too.)

VE said...

sully - Oh yeah, everbody would love to see OJ up on the screen again!! ha ha ha

kurt - Many couldn't be shown on TV fortunately

quickroute - Are you saying it wouldn't have been entertaining convincing Charlton Heston he was an anti-gun hippy right before the end when he didn't remember anything?

lime - Good point; file that sucker under the horror section!

beth - I don't know if I'm brutal but I wear Brute cologne...when I'm not wearing Old Spice that is... (NOT!)

Serena Joy said...

Won't these be more along the lines of, well, horror movies? Of course, in keeping with that theme, you could start making movies with dead stars once you run out of geriatric material.:)

VE said...

sj - Zombie actors doing their own old characters (and occasionally eating real people)...cool!

angie said...

Thank you for the Portland tips. I haven't been to a few of them....And this post. Was. too. much. In a good way. Thanks for the laughs.

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

It is truly frightening how everyone has aged!!!!!

VE said...

angie - Welcome. Drop ny anytime. I grew up in Portland so I know many, many places to go...kids or not.

arizona - And sad too. Many of my movie heros are so old now!

Alex L said...

I'd like to think Ernest Borgnine is going to be in a star trek movie as the 'Borg'...

NYD said...

I really wish they would remake the Bruce Lee movies. He'd probably still be kick ass even if he were a little mouldy

ChrisEldin said...

Now I have Gilligan's Island tune in my head. Thanks a lot.
:-)

VE said...

alex l - That's funny! He does look like the borg...

nyd - You are correct! He could come back and still kick Chuck Norris' ass!

chris - Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale...ha ha ha; that's right....VE...putting obnoxious tunes in readers head since 2006

RED MOJO said...

I haven't seen the Indiana Jones thing yet, but the last movie "Firewall" was a freaking joke. He's too old to be an action hero anymore! It's like a joke.

VE said...

red mojo - I'll agree with there; Firewall was a disaster...we needed a firewall to shield us from the movie!

Maureen said...

Hey, Harrison can do anything and I'd watch it.

As Jeff would say, "Rowr"!

(um, no Jeff wouldn't say that about Harrison....)

VE said...

maureen - Ok with me. My son is named Harrison too.

HeyJoe said...

Agree w/Cathouse. Mary Ann is still hot. Ginger, not so much but whom are we kidding? I'd tap either one.

VE said...

heyjoe - I thought as much...