Milking the Movies

Ok…gotta put the requests on hold; my arm is hampering my ability to write these things quickly. This one was already written though…

Have you seen the latest Hollywood news? Yes, that’s right; Eddie Murphy is going to do another Beverly Hills Cop. With Harrison Ford paving the way for old actors to revive their formerly famous young roles who knows what is up next in this new fad. Well, VE has a pretty good idea:

Mission Impossible

That’s right, a spry Peter Graves will be reenacting his role in Mission Impossible. Tom Cruise wasn’t available as he was on another “I am not really gay” Scientology promotion tour disguised as a movie promo. Peter, at 82, did all his own bathroom stunts and only had to nap twice during shooting. The whole theme of the segment: making him look young still…

Gilligan’s Island


That’s right; the Professor, Mary Ann and Ginger will be starring in a new segment of the original Gilligan’s Island. We caught up with the money-grubbing director and had this interview:

VE: How can you possibly have another segment of the show with Gilligan, Skipper and the Howells all deceased?

Director: The storyline has them all lost on the far side of the island

VE: That seems ludicrous; they’ve been on that island forever, they would know every piece of that island.

Director: Our genius scriptwriter wrote in Amnesia

VE: What about Ginger. Hasn’t she been at odds with this show since she quit?

Director: She still is. We’re having this blogger geek Photoshop in her former image into every single screen shot instead.

VE: Won’t she look odd that was considering the Professor and Mary Ann will look much older?

Director: Easily explained; we unfroze her…she hadn’t aged.

VE: Where’d you get ice on a tropical island?

Director: A very deep cave….

Lawrence of Arabia

Yes, Peter O’Toole will be back in the desert. Rumor has it that warm climates are good for the elderly so Peter signed up right away. Quoted one special effects person on the set “we didn’t need a lot of make up to shoot the blistering in the desert scene again because Peter’s skin already looked like it had been too long in the desert.” Again, VE investigators were first on the scene for this interview:

VE: Didn’t Lawrence clearly die in a motorcycle accident in the original movie?

Director: That was just a smokescreen…a double-bluff

VE: Isn’t that what Kevin Kline’s character in A Fish Called Wanda said?

Director: That doesn’t mean it wasn’t true

And there you have it; the current active workings of has-been actors milking their formerly great roles. Rumor has it if things go well we’ll have Mickey Rooney, Ernest Borgnine, and Kirk Douglas starring in a Three Men and a Baby remake.