Thursday, June 12, 2008

Naked Skydiving

Ok, next up is Theresa’s request for naked skydiving. And how could I pass up such a fun topic without getting a little wild and crazy...

Of course naked skydiving is making a huge leap in popularity these days. There are a number of benefits in pursing this eclectic sport…

History

Of course we need to go back to when man was simply naked. Wait, that’s probably too far back. Let’s just go back to the whole nudist movement. Sure, you’ve heard of (and may have been to) a nudist colony. You get to feel natural, you get to feel uninhibited. And as anyone who has never gone suspects that you also get to check out naked hotties. Obviously anyone that has actually been to one knows that there are no hotties there, there are merely people like this:

Now it’s fine for this guy to blog naked…I just don’t want to know about it. And let's face it, he's probably not the best candidate for our topic at hand anyway. Well, obviously things moved out from just the nudist colony. For one thing, the plays they had up on stage weren’t very good because they never did dress rehearsals….

After that, we did have the streaking craze in the 70s. It allowed seemingly sane and normal people to behave like little children and run around without their clothes while conservatives chased them around and punished them with their rules. What fun! We even had a hit song

That paved the way to perhaps apply nakedness to sports. Why not? If you couldn’t get noticed because you weren’t the fastest or best, perhaps you could get noticed for what you lacked….clothing! The best part about pursuing your 15 minutes of fame is there are so many ways to achieve it….

Bicycling…

Tumbling….
And then finally….skydiving

But other than a hefty citation, none of these had any benefits outside of the thrill of standing out in a crowd. But when it came to naked skydiving, it appeared we actually had an ancillary benefit: Reversing gravity’s effects!

That’s right, women who had been cursing the effects of gravity on their perky breasts were suddenly finding that falling to Earth naked at 150mph can reverse years of sag to breasts. “It was like hitting reverse on a tape recorder…I was back to my pre adolescent suckling condition in no time!” commented one perky diver we talked with.

There are some restrictions to yielding these benefits though. First of all, women should avoid over doing it. Many overzealous women have found that too much naked skydiving leads to boobies that stand straight up. It might take years of normal gravity to bring them back to some normal perkiness. Men with long schnowzers should avoid this hobby unless said instrument is properly tied down…

The other problem is cold. Descending naked at 150mph can be a freezing proposition. What to do? Lard. Yes, coating your whole body with Lard will not only allow you not to freeze to death but also gives you a nice George Hamilton tan upon your descent.

VE has currently been pursuing another crazy business idea of his own…naked tandem skydiving…with supermodels.

That’s right, not everyone can actually make the leap out of a perfectly good airplane by themselves and so it is very common for experts to go tandem with the novice. We will simply be extending this idea to allow you to choose the hottie of your choice for to be tied up with.

I can see this one really taking off. Right now we’re also testing the business model with naked tandem bungee jumping since it costs less due to fuel costs…

39 comments:

lime said...

i am just astonished by the skydiving picture. their boobs look like upside down latte cups stuck to their chests. i'm flabbergasted....maybe they are flabberbreasted?

VE said...

lime - Doesn't that just look wonderful? All part of the painful gravity-reversal process...

HeyJoe said...

Ouch to that skydiving picture, and I don't even have boobies. My but that does look painful. And yes, one would be wise to put the Schnauzer on a leash, lest he get to whipping around in a painful, yet erotic fashion.

Sarah said...

hahahhaha
I think that naked skydiving along with naked blogging (or at least those that photograph it) should be outlawed! :)
And seriously, how uncomfortable must it be to ride a bike naked?! ouch!

VE said...

heyjoe - I didn't say it would be pretty or comfortable...

sarah - Yeah, with biking all you need is even less padding on that damn seat...

Quickroute said...

I just don't fancy my bits hanging around like that at 10,000 feet!

Megan said...

I like the nudist colony sign. It puts a whole new spin on the concept of "Lover's Lane!"

Theresa said...

I visited a couple nudist camps when I was in college. You're absolutely right; they aren't a haven for hotties. However, if you have any doubts about the effects of gravity on the human body (or over-exposure to the sun), you won't have any doubts after meeting a few of those happy little "naturalists".

Great post.

Oh, by the way, Bob looks like a fun guy. You wouldn't happen to have his number, would you?

Beth said...

The entire post was informative (???), funny as hell and gross. You got me at, "...they never did dress rehearsals..." and I just kept on smiling.
Except at the boob phenomenon. Ouch. Looks painful.

justacoolcat said...

What's this? An excuse to shave my entire body, cover it in lard, and then jump out of a plane?


I'm in.

VE said...

quickroute - Yes, less beneficial for us guys....and I really don't own a lot of schnowzer securing devices either

megan - Yeah, and as if that's going to make them stop!

theresa - You're funny. Seems Bob is in high demand these days...

beth - I seem to move on to the shocking/gross humor from time to time, don't I? Gotta keep everyone awake!

justacoolcat - Well except for the shaving, lard, and airplane jump...I'm in too!

Jacki said...

Hahahha....but yeah, the boob picture made mine hurt. And naked cycling? EWWW!

I need an email address so I can start sending you emails my dad sends me...you could do some funny posts with them.

Kurt said...

I would think the Secret Service would prevent you from standing behind the Bushes and masturbating.

cathouse teri said...

Those boobs scared me. I've been hiding under my desk for fifteen minutes. It took that long for me to be able to reach up (without looking) and scroll down away from it.

Please let me know when that picture is gone and it's safe to come out and blog with you again.

Bee said...

Dude, why are you posting a picture of yourself without a warning to the rest of us common folk??

VE said...

jacki - Ha ha...I would have to agree with naked biking and skydiving...and I don't even have the boobs! If you want to email me something; send it to ewelter1 at comcast dot net

kurt - Ha! Excellent point, but are you sure...he's been jerking us off for nearly 8 years now...

teri - Ha ha. Sorry about the scary boobs. No real skydivers were injured in the making of this blog post. At least I don't think so...

VE said...

bee - Are you referring to the naked blogger or Bob? If the naked blogger...I think he could represent at least four of me! I'm only 6 feet tall and 180lbs! Now if you are referring to Bob...I can only WISH I were Bob...

HeyJoe said...

BTW, that naked chick on the bike is along the water front in San Fran. I've been there many, many times but have never had the good fortune to see a naked chick pedaling about.

Story of my life.

iamnot said...

Naked scuba diving is good too.
Gotta keep your worm safe though.

VE said...

heyjoe - Hey, you're smarter than you look! ha ha I know that place too. You're right...never a naked biker either. Damn.

iamnot - Worm for some, snake for others! ;)

C said...

Oh my goodness! LOL! VE, I totally wasn't expecting this! Your posts never cease to amaze me! LOL!!

VE said...

c - That's the fun. You never know what I'm going to post!

RED MOJO said...

I think that naked bungee jumping is a great idea for a first date! An ice-breaker!

Serena Joy said...

I don't know, the lard might have some beneficial effect on gravity. Works okay on chicken breasts. It makes human skin look funny, though; we've all heard the term "lard butt." Therefore, I think I'll keep my clothes on while jumping, tumbling, riding, etc., 'til they come up with a better alternative.:)

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Technically some of those active naked people weren't really naked. Bicycle chick was wearing shoes and the naked skydivers were wearing parachutes.......sadly.

Chris C said...

In that pic of the woman biking naked the seat makes her looks like she has a penis.

VE said...

red mojo - Hah! That's true. I think as such, she would be able to tell right away if Bob was excited about the event...

sj - "lard butt"...good one. Yeah, that must come from somewhere and it doesn't speak highly...ha ha

elastic - What a bunch of shy wussies!

chris - I hadn't really noticed that before but you are right! I was obviously distracted trying to determine what kind of bicycle it was...

ablondeblogger said...

Wait...that's not how masturbate is spelled. I know because I wanted to know what it meant when I was a kid and kept looking up "masterbate" in the dictionary and of course I could never find the definition. It was frustrating beyond belief. I resorted to asking my mom who told me "don't worry about it."

Alex L said...

I never thought I'd see boobs that turned me off, on a woman that is. Those baps look like they are about to come off.

Megan said...

Hey, is that really The City? When did they put in the palm trees? Where's the ubiquitous bongo player?

Sornie said...

You're either on something or you're on to something.

Bee said...

Hey hey VE I was just kidding about you being the naked blogger. You're not gonna ban me from your blog... are you?? Cuz I can't cry today. I'm wearing make-up.

VE said...

ablondeblogger - Hey, you're right. I guess nudists can't spell!

alex - It's not a pretty sight, is it?

megan - Of course it's "the City" because...you know...that narrows it right down!

sornie - Can I be both?

bee - Really? I can ban you? I didn't see the ban button on blogspot. My real concern of course is the visual of Lars wearing makeup... ;)

Queen Goob said...

DAMN IT!!! I just finished my lunch!!!!

Starrlight said...

I am with Lime. They look like starbucks cups!

I got a kick out of the fact you knew I was in Oregon by the temperature ;)

PracticallyJoe said...

Since the pic of the naked blogger set into my brain I can't help but wonder how many others are blogging naked. I'm also now a bit uncomfortable and need to disconnect my webcam and go put on some pants.

colbymarshall said...

I really hope that after she rode that bike she remembered to bring her can of lysol and paper towels. Especially if it was rented.

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

I prefer a push-up bra to help reverse the effects of gravity....at least a push-up bra doesn't carry the risk of death.

VE said...

queen goob - I have informants that tell me just when you take lunch; that way I can post offensive stuff...

starrlight - Thanks for dropping by. I know an Oregonian when I see one (well, not really but I know the weather)

practicallyjoe - Naked bloggers? They're everywhere; you just can't see them! Ha ha

colby - I liked that rental bike seat right before hand too (just kidding!!! Sheez...)

arizona - It must be tiring using a push up bra...I hate push ups!