Friday, July 18, 2008

Animal Control

You know, hiding out from Oprah I’ve recently had the opportunity to do a lot of hiking in the woods. One thing that has occurred to me is that they’re a damn mess!

Trees fallen over trails. Trees fallen over the trees that fell over the trail. It’s like pick up sticks for some superhero. Plus, a lot of trails are getting over grown. Poison oak and ivy need to be contained. There’s a lot to do to ensure future generations can enjoy and litter these natural wonders too…

But who in America has time to do all of this. Who will do all this manual labor for unrealistic pay? The government won’t. They’re too busy getting elected.

- We’ve already got the Hispanics maintaining our landscaping
- We’ve got the Eastern Block building our homes and workplaces
- We’ve got the Africans playing our sports
- We’ve got the Asians building our products

Who’s left to manipulate so we don’t have to anything?

Then I got to thinking…what about all the wildlife? They should have to do it! They live there! Sure, why not have Bambi do a little forest vacuuming? Get those elk and grizzly bear to move away those logs from the trail. Hell, give ‘em to the beavers! Get the skunks to dig out and haul away all that poison oak, ivy and sumac stuff. I mean they stink already so why not let them itch too. Stinky and itchy go together like baseball and steroids.

Get those damn chipmunks out of my picnic basket and backpack and have them trim up the undergrowth covering the trail. I mean really, those guys will work for peanuts! Why can’t we get those irritating flies to clean up all the animal shit strewn on the trail and campgrounds? They love that stuff don’t they? Then cart it off somewhere remote.

It’s a win/win I tell you. They get to keep some habitat in exchange for a little sweat equity and we get more animal sightings along our trails and campgrounds.

36 comments:

Sarah said...

I think the animals may be interested in this if we could guarantee no hunters were allowed to shoot them while they were working.

Quickroute said...

Don't forget the fish. About time they did something other than swimming all day long.

Bee said...

Hey man, I only do MY landscaping!

My hubs always jokes with me when I'm in the garden saying I'm doing what comes naturally to my people. He's lucky he's cute otherwise... [fist shaking]

I back your idea of using animals to do our dirty work

When I cook, gravity seems to pull certain things (carrots, bread, anything edible) to the floor. My dog Mocha knows what a klutz I am and lays (lies?) at me feet waiting to be my little vacuum cleaner so there is no trace of my clumsiness.

Megan said...

We could always bring back child labor.

VE said...

sarah - What's the fun in that? How about we'll tell them that and then not do it...sort of like we did with the Native Americans...

quickroute - Good point...we're at the top of the food chain, we should be the only ones doing nothing all day long...

bee - Sounds like you've already deployed your pets for this. Good thinking!

megan - Yeah, I mean mine always tell me they're 'bored'. Nothing like some cheap manual labor to end their boredom!!!

Kurt said...

I wonder what Alan Smithee would make of this.

Alan Smithee said...

Alan Smithee loves animals.

VE said...

kurt - Are you and Alan Smithee one and the same??? Very odd that you'd both comment at the same time...

alan smithee - Same as above

Lori said...

I'm for letting the Paris Hiltons of the world do it. They seem to have a lot of extra time on their hands.

VE said...

lori - But that's like letting Paris grout your bathroom. Do you really want to live with that bathroom after she does it? Not that watching her do manual labor wouldn't be satisfying...

GC said...

have you ever seen squirrel poop? I was wondering about that
we've got no end of pigeon poop in New York but we have a lot of squirrels around also and no poop--are they cleaning up after themselves? Maybe they'd make good pets.

VE said...

gc - I guess you haven't had granola before. The "100% natural" kind... ha ha

Beth said...

Yeah, tell those (teddy) bears to get to work! Life is not just one picnic after another in that messy old forest.

Theresa said...

If Smokey the Bear can be a Forest Ranger, the rest of those furry little creatures can step up and do their fair share.

Alice said...

The picture I like to refer to as "Deer Vacuuming" is a goddamned masterpiece!

Serena Joy said...

You're on to something here. It's about time the cute little forest animals did something besides sitting around looking cute. I mean, it's the same principle as kids -- "it's your room, you keep it clean." I'd personally be happy to chip in for a bunch of those darling little chipmunk hardhats.:)

VE said...

beth - And we know how you feel about bears! ;)

theresa - Wow, you're back from the void! Yes, Smokey can't be the only one worker here.

alice - Wow, it even has a name. I thought it came out pretty well. It was a pain to do because I had to redo the deer's legs so it actually looked like it was walking standing up...

sj - If we can make kids do something, we can surely make these animals! There brains are dinky you know!

leelee said...

Oh..Ha... what alice said...that picture is one in a mil. I love that!!!!!

I also have to agree with SJ - animals..it's YOUR room pick it up...hahahaha


have a great weekend..thunkin' up stuff.

hugs!!

leelee said...

all that deer needs is pearls and an apron..

lol

VE said...

leelee - Noooo...I'm not putting anything else in that picture! Too much work!

blue said...

heeeeeey...you forgot the subjugation of single cell organisms...their just screaming for exploitation...or to be taken out of politics...whatever's easier.

ps. put you on my blogroll...you are freaking hilarious.

Maureen said...

OMG VE, how the heck do you come UP with these things??? And even adding the photos; you're amazing.

I say we should recruit the trees too... they can pick up their own damn leaves every Fall. I think you need to start talks with Treebeard.

VE said...

blue - Ha ha. Politics... Yeah, I did overlook our single celled friends. I figure all they would do is split anyway... By-the-way, you made my blog roll already. Everyone that comments does.

maureen - You know how treebeard rambles on and on about the goold old days...

bitchlet said...

The Animals would have to live in Ghettos.

Alex L said...

Well there are aleady guard dogs and sniffer dogs, I dont see why the occasional Sloth cant get a job as a walmart greeter or something.

Shrinky said...

scary thing is, I find this this kinda' makes sense(must stop frying my brain staying up all night)..

Great writing! Grin.

Jeff said...

Nice try, but PETA would never allow it. And I think they're more powerful than Oprah.

blue said...

"I figure all they would do is split anyway..."

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.that was so bad it was good!!!

You're supposed to say I made your blogroll due to my general awesomeness...

gheesh you blew perfectly good smack points there!! grin.........

VE said...

bitchlet - Like holes in the ground? Check...

alex - I think we'll have to leave that one to humans. Sloths just don't have what it takes to be really repulsive...

shrinky - That's the great thing about my blog. It gets better the later you stay up or the more you drink...

jeff - PETA is powerful, but they're gullible. We'll tell them it's a comprehensive training regime. Yeah, that's it...that'll work...

blue - Well of course you're that awesome...I pretend the lame don't actually comment. That's why I never link myself on the blog roll...

colbymarshall said...

And just think...those beavers were made to chip that wood!

VE said...

colby - Yeah, they could even chew us some new picnic tables for the national parks

RED MOJO said...

I like it. I'm thinking of getting an alpaca, just so I don't have to mow my lawn.

VE said...

red mojo - Good idea. I have HOAs that do that...

The Intracerebral Itinerary said...

Isn't it funny how people bring politics into the natural world to try to "clean it up," and it makes an even bigger mess?

If I had a yard, I might want it to look like the forests. :)

Queen Goob said...

But.....who will "clean up" after them?

VE said...

intracerebral - Good point. I do like things to look natural too. Of course I don't like a trail to be overgrown with poison oak though.

queen goob - The bugs! We don't have the bugs working yet...