Thursday, July 31, 2008

Appliance Rage

Man Shoots Lawnmower for not starting. I know, it sounds crazy but this was in the news just the other day. The picture you see is real. The appliances are real. Their brands have been changed to protect the innocent…

Law officials are claiming that this is just the beginning of an epidemic in appliance abuse. “We’ve seen toasters with horrific neglect and abuse. Shelters are being set up and we are encouraging appliances to come on in to a safe haven,” commented one donut making officer.
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Indeed VE investigators went out into the field to look into this disturbing problem. Even we were shocked at the mayhem of abuse: Microwaves being subjected to exploding bugs and amphibians. Blenders left for a week after having been used for a smoothie. Shocking!

We talked with one: a computer mouse that claimed to have been wrapped from a pole and used as a tether ball:

VE investigator: What do you think led to such behavioral abuse?

Mouse: It wasn’t my fault, my roller ball was gummed up! I can’t point when I can’t roll. They didn’t know how to clean me so they started abusing me!

VE investigator: Go ahead and give our bloodthirsty readers the gory details

Mouse: First it was just small physical abuse. You know, slamming me around hoping I’d start rolling again.

Mouse: Then it was neglect. They put me in a drawer for years. Almost no daylight ever except when they’d look for a paper clip.

Mouse: Finally, they all got together during a drunken office party and they strapped me to a pole outside and used me as a tether ball. It’s all so humiliating. They were mocking me that I wasn’t an infra red mouse and that I needed an adapter to use a USB port. I felt so low, so shameful.

Not all appliances are so lucky to reach the safe havens. As is always the case with the abused, they turn to gangs and inflict their own violence.


Hopefully in the future we can all learn to co-exist in peaceful harmony…

31 comments:

Bee said...

Okay, how about reporting the flip side of the story?

I was attacked by a mischievous mouse the other day. There I was, walking by my desk, when the sneaky bastard entangled itself around my legs and made me tripped me!
I could hear it laughing with its buddy, my headset!

VE said...

bee - Sorry, I was trying to be like the actual news and come to my conclusions first and then go find the story by reporting only those facts that support my conclusions...

ps - I told the mouse you'd fall for the old leg-wrap gag....that's what you get for not getting a wireless... ha ha

justacoolcat said...

I just like to shoot things. Sometimes it's appliances and others it's my foot.

Who laughs at a guy that just shot himself in a foot? I mean, I still have the gun . . .

VE said...

justacoolcat - Appliance killer! Appliance killer! Now your foot...I can't help your foot...it's still attached to you.

Quickroute said...

I wouldn't like to meet the gang of fridges on a dark night - scary!

VE said...

quickroute - I totally agree. That's why I carry a box of arm and hammer baking soda on my person at all times...

Queen Goob said...

Even the safe haven looks horrible. No proper shelter from the elements, no working outlets to enhance their job skills....what next? Swimming lessons?

Bee - I hope you stepped on that basta*d!

Megan said...

I am currently engaged in a blood feud with my food "processor" - it slices things when I want them diced, and I bang its parts about and curse a lot...

VE said...

queen goob - Yes, sadly the safe havens don't have the proper funding. Most of it went to defense contracts and a lot of the rest was used at our fund raising barbeque. But I like the swimming lesson idea...

VE said...

megan - Sure, and like you've never turned right when you should have turned left! Poor food processor. It's so much stress having to get slicing and dicing correct...

Kurt said...

Appliance safe havens, indeed!

leelee said...

What can I do to help? I feel like I must do something ...anything...

iamnot said...

Who the hell has a mouse with a roller ball anymore?
Tell him to grow a laser or STFU!

Bunch of whiners.

Jacki said...

We have a couple of old computer monitors sitting in our basement....does that constitute appliance abuse? And what do the appliaces feel about being shipped off to recycling centers, only to the be shipped off to third-world countries to be disassembled?

Jeff said...

I have 2 old appliances in my garage that I put on Craigslist and nobody wanted. Now I'm going to have to give them up to foster care. I hope they can someday find someone to love them. Teenaged appliances are SO hard to place you know.

VE said...

kurt - That's ASH for short. Everything needs an acronym!

leelee - Just talk to your appliances...let them know they are useful!

iamnot - I know, I know. It's like those people that still use film in a camera. Tell them to grow a flashcard! ;)

jacki - OMG...that is so cruel. Bring 'em on up. Make them part of the family. Dress them in funny-themed hats for holidays. They love that!

jeff - Ha! Very true. Especially the washers. They seem to always be on spin cycle at that age!

Memarie Lane said...

That's my favorite scene from office space. Having had many volatile relationships with all-in-one machines, especially those of the HP variety, that is one of my fondest fantasies.

Anette said...

Haha! Ve, today you are my hero - master of Nonsense!

Anne said...

My lawnmower ran over my shotgun.

VE said...

marie - Yeah, I confess, it's mine too. But I've reformed. I now know that paper jam code is just a cry for help...

anette - It's what I do best! A mans got to know his limitations. Mine are many...

anne - Ha! Perfect answer! See, it's like I've been saying, guns don't kill people, lawnmowers do!

Jocasta said...

I'm about to abuse my microwave - you might want to inform Appliance Protective Services.

It's door read has gone so I have to slam it really hard - sometimes I do it repeatably just for fun!

lime said...

so you're saying i should grab whatever malfunctioning appliance i am dealing with and sing kumbaya with it instead of resorting to percussive maintenance? gees, political correctness extends to inanimate objects now.

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

When I can afford a new refrigerator I intend to abuse my old one to get back at it for all the years it has abused me.

Practically Joe said...

I can't help abusing my vacuum cleaner and hair dryer ... one sucks and the other really blows!

ChrisEldin said...

HAHAHAHA!

But I empathize with that guy.

(Sorry this is a short coment, but loved this post!)

Alex L said...

Dammit now I have to watch 'office space'.

Its sad when good white goods turn bad...

VE said...

jocasta - Open door syndrome is a common problem among microwaves and can be a debilitating disease. Ask your doctor what expensive pill is right for you in this situation...

lime - Kumbaya is a wonderful healing remedy. You should break out the windex too. All appliances love a little cleaning.

arizona - Carful, that's a premeditative crime, you could get 12 more minutes of jail time. Look what happened to Paris during her couple of hours!

joe - Ha! Think not of the vacuum sucking...instead try to imagine that it is simply inhaling all the bad around you so that you don't have to...

chris - Everyone sympathises him!

alex - You should be watching that on a monthly basis...and take notes damn it. How else are you going to achieve your ultimate dream of doing nothing?

Serena Joy said...

I can't really blame that man too much. I've been tempted (more than once) to shoot some balky appliances myself.:)

Maureen said...

Our garage is where all our old appliances go to die... unfortunately hubby refuses to admit the truth and let them go. So we have three VCRs (including a BetaMax), a microwave, endless coffeemakers (he used to repair them) and humidifiers cluttering up the place. I drew the line at the old refrigerator and finally had it taken away. Sad really.

I hear some people actually use their garages to store their cars... weird....

Kelley said...

I am suitably chastised. I will go and apologise to my washing machine for calling her a useless ho, for taking so long.

Oh and the mouse thing? He was totally asking for it. I have heard those mouses are into that sort of thing.

VE said...

sj - It's an easy pattern to fall into. Try waxing your blender for therapy...

maureen - Sounds like your garage could be a new safe house for applicances...

kelley - I'm glad to hear you're patching things up with your washing machine. Be sure to sing Kumbaya together too...