Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Barkdust

Barkdust

I don’t understand barkdust at all.

First of all the name. What does it mean? Dogs don’t bark dust. And they certainly don’t bark up those strange brown clumps either. That’s reserved for the other end of the dog. Ok, maybe bark as in tree. But still, this is tree dust? Seems kinda big and brown for, say, a cottonwood tree. I’m just not buying it…

Oh, and even if it is dust, doesn’t it seem kind of ironic for you to spend all those hours constantly removing dust from your house only to purchase and spend more hours applying it to your yard? Is this the same guy that sold us bottled water or pet rocks?

Another thing I don’t like about barkdust is that when you buy it and put it down in your beds it looks great. For about a week. Then it turns gray. Yuck! And that means that you have to buy more bark dust to make it look nice again.

And even if it didn’t gray, it seems to mysteriously thin out. Where does it all go? It’s probably using the same underground system that my dryer socks are using.

Also consider that when it is delivered, it stinks! Why do pulp mills in general smell like some nasty ass smell? They’re wood products! Where do they get this smell from? Is somebody collecting ass mist and applying it to wood to make barkdust? Probably that same guy selling the water!

Also, in extremely hot areas it has been known to start on fire! No shit! There was a case in Houston where a kids play area spontaneously combusted because of the heat on the barkchips used for cushioning. Can you see that discussion:

I’ve got good news and bad news.

Bad News: Little Johnny fell from the top of the monkey bars today
Good News: The barkdust cushioned his fall.
Bad News: The barkdust spontaneously erupted into a fire and he has 3rd degree burns

Barkdust is also a known breeding ground for bad things: fleas, spiders, bugs, reality TV, meth users, politicians, you name it!

All in all, I don’t see anything good about it. What’s wrong with just good old dirt? Or cement if you’re not into the whole nature thing.

36 comments:

RED MOJO said...

I'm with you, I hate bark dust. I usually get a ton of with my firewood, when they deliver it. Since I can't really burn it, it's a nuisance to me, especially if they are measuring the firewood by weight! DAMN YOU BARK DUST!!!

Alice said...

I wish I had this info about a year ago when I was forced to listen to Cautious Mom give the lecture on why the pea gravel under the swingsets was bad. I would have had material to shoot back at her. And be victorious!

VE said...

red mojo - Just sneak it over to your neighbor...

alice - Yeah, sometimes we have to learn the hard way

Bee said...

Spontaneously combust you say?
Now I’m intrigued!

Imagine what the mob can do with this stuff!
Think of the possibilities!

Don’t tell anybody else VE and we’ll make a fortune! (I say we because I’m the type of person who likes to muscle my way into great ideas…)

leelee said...

Gee, I've never heard of barkdust. We just generically call it mulch here..

The name barkdust makes me nervous for some reason..

Once again, an extremely informative albeit unsettling post.

HUGS!

VE said...

bee - Ha! Don't worry, I was married once...I know what it's like to be muscled into and manipulated

leelee - Wow, that's interesting. I didn't realize other parts of the country might not call it that. Of course my readers outside the USA...well, they're just laughing all the time at us I'm sure. But now what kind of a word is mulch anyway? Sounds like what happens when you have waaay too much lunch!

Kurt said...

I've never heard the term barkdust, nor have I smelled it. Clearly I need to get out more.

VE said...

kurt - You couldn't get through suburbia around here without seeing and smelling it somewhere. Maybe it's because we have so many more evergreen type trees around here. Maybe that name doesn't extend to the East Coast. Maybe you just don't have enough education. Maybe everything is just a computer simulation designed to turn us into batteries to power machines that have taken over the planet.

Lori said...

I can't say that I've ever heard of 'barkdust' until today.

leelee said...

lol

just in general....lol

Quickroute said...

if it gets on fleece it's impossible to get off - Hate the stuff! I say Ban it!

VE said...

lori - I'm not making it up...check it out on wikipedia. Of course, they're too chicken sh*t to point out all the negatives with it...

leelee - And you're free to lol anytime!

quickroute - How true. I forgot about that fact. Man...sheep must HATE it...

cathouse teri said...

I can't really think of a reason for its existence. Let alone the purchase of it!

Kanrei said...

Bark Dust? I...um...yea, I...um...have no idea what it is actually. OH, Mulch! Thanks Leelee. Come to think of it, bark dust is actually a better term. And why so big? Because trees are big so the dust from a tree must also be huge. Our skincells (dust) must be gigantic to an ant.

VE said...

teri - Kind of like so many products out there...

VE said...

kan - Well some trees are big. Those Bonzai trees don't have very big barkdust I don't think. Odd that the term exists on the west coast but not on the East Coast.

colbymarshall said...

But then again, maybe spontaneously conbusting on little Johnny isn't entirely a bad thing...

Knight said...

Is Barkdust the same thing as mulch? I once fell off the monkey bars and landed on a politician. He had dropped his meth and I spent the rest of my recess helping him look for it. That was a real turning point in my life.

Jacki said...

On the east coast we call it mulch....and yeah that stuff stinks!! But I think it's because they mix it with manure to give it some extra fertilizing powers.

VE said...

colby - Yeah, that'll teach him for going outside to play in Houston in the summertime! What did he expect?

knight - Ha! Great idea...let's line all the play parks with politicians...they're quite soft.

VE said...

jacki - I always make the family take a dump in the flower beds; it helps lower the water bill and provides that same stink without the splinters!

Mr Farty said...

What is it with you Merkans? Your dogs bark dust, you pee gravel - which must be very painful - and you even have bars for monkeys. Do they sell jungle juice?

VE said...

mr farty - Yeah, I know. Just try to ignore us completely...we are a complete disaster of embarassment. We do have jungle juice...it repells mosquitos. Go figure! But then again, the men don't wear dresses! ;)

Serena Joy said...

I've never heard of bark dust, but isn't it, like, mulch -- which will indeed spontaneously combust? Yeah, what is that nasty odor associated with wood products? The smells that come from paper mills are just horrible.

ChrisEldin said...

I cleaned up some barkdust today.
I wish I were joking, but it's too weird to be fiction.
Older son moved firewood to a new place. I cleaned up after him.

Didn't know it was called bark dust though.
:-)

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I would have so loved to be at that Houston playground when it ignited. I could have told my kids they were being punished for their misdeeds and that unseen forces were showing them a preview of Hell.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Barkdust is the poor man's Angel Dust.

That's where it disappears to, you know. Poor people comin around sniffin it up.

Bonnie the Boss said...

Too funny, Ass mist!

Carla said...

Good point. And with global warming, I reckon we'll see a lot more of that stuff spontaneously combust. Perhaps that's a good thing.

angie said...

Who would have ever thought that bark dust could be blog fodder. You forgot the part about the slivers when you step on it if it's not cedar.

Alex L said...

I assume barkdust is what we call woodchips, you crazy yankies always naming things WRONG!!! I saw a kid spontaneously combust once... maybe, it might have been a bbq chicken.

Jeff said...

That's funny you mentioned the smell. I work across the river from a paper mill, and when the wind is right it blows right into our building. We've been using the phrase, "Holy crap, it smells like ASS in here!" for about 10 years now. AND... we've affectionately named the plant the "Ass Factory."

VE said...

sj - That paper mill smell is ass mist. I don't want to know where they get it or why they need it though

chris - See how you learn a new term here! So educational...

elastic - Classic! The perfect child manipulation tactic. Oh, and I hope those addicts aren't getting splinters in their nose sniffing that stuff...sounds painful.

bonnie - Well it seemed to fit at the time...

carla - Maybe it all could...I wouldn't be a bit disappointed.

angie - You're right, certain types of trees, like firs, give you splinters from it. Another joyous benefit of it

alex - Wood chips. Come on now, we all know that the only kind of chips are either potato or well, potato as in fish and chips... ha ha

jeff - See, great minds think alike. But watching that factory...does that make you an asstronomer?

Megan said...

I never heard of barkdust but it bears a strange similarity to the stuff I call tanbark.

Queen Goob said...

I'm in the "never heard of barkdust" club. Mulch? Or is it ground down to a fine dust. Duh, probably based on the name. Apologies for the blondeness.

Need food - must get Whataburger.

VE said...

megan - Tanbark? My tan never barked. It has peeled before. Sometimes I burn. But never barking...

queen goob - What's a whataburger? Is that redundant?