Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Blogger 'Challenge'

Well now, I was tagged by Jeff over at View from the Cloud. The fact that he came through the cable modem and physically tagged me is quite disturbing. I was on the run and he somehow managed to find me at a hotwired kiosk on the Island of Tristan da Cunha where I’ve been under the assumed identity of a harbor seal from Tasmania. If he can find me here, when will Oprah do the same? It’s only a matter of time.

Anyway, this isn’t a meme. It’s a “challenge”. I’m supposed to provide new bloggers with tips. Five of them! And you know how much I love to mess with bloggers! This originally came from Brent over at the Ominous Comma. Who knows what it originally started out as. Brent probably wanted the winning lottery numbers but through the inevitable telephone tag phenomenom it got morphed into this request. So here you go:

1. Get a catchy title for your Blog

If you’re blog name makes any sense what-so-ever…CHANGE IT! The craze in blogging is to make the title contradictory unto itself. Sort of like Military Intelligence. It’s easy to come up with these things. Instead of ‘Surfing the Web so You Don’t Have to” use “Webbing the Surf so You Don’t Have to”. See, it makes no sense so it’s perfect! Or you can reuse catchy ad phrases: “The Other Other White Blog”.

Words of warning. Do not attempt to use some nifty play on words around the actual word “Blog”. They have all been used. This would be like trying to add the new user name of “The Dude” on Ebay or Yahoo. Forget it! They haven’t been available since 1995!

2. Always mess with your readers, they LOVE it!

One of my favorite tricks is to leave wacky messages on my blog using the same font color as my background color. Sort of like this (highlight below with your mouse to see):

Take the next sentence and add the first word and then skip two words, add the next, skip the next two and on and on. It’s a little message for those that don’t find this….ha ha

You never know people… there really are features with so much for gullible new bloggers and watch for stupid ones.

I once had an invisible comment on my sidebar offering a $50 paypal for everyone that discovered it. All they had to do was put “skidily doo” in their comment to win it. It was up for six months and nobody found it. Awesome!

Occasionally, write your post in the comments section. That’ll keep ‘em guessing. Or, write it on 15 other bloggers comments and then just provide links to each post and let them figure out the post. They’ll hate you for that!!!! Hate always brings back readers!

3. The longer it is, the more it hurts

Get your mind out of the gutter!!!! I’m shocked. I’m talking about the length of your post. Whatever you do, DON’T make your posts as long as this one! Whatever you do, be sure to keep paragraphs two to three sentences long. Use pictures! People don’t have time to read your dissertation, no matter how good you think it is or even how good it actually is. Hell, I don’t even read my OWN stuff that closely.

4. Don’t be getting all uppity over awards.

Really! Rewards are like charitable contributions at tax time; everyone is giving! I’m going to spare you all the hoopala right now and award you the: Extraordinary Blogger Award because you’ve been ordinary for an extra long time. The Arte y Pico award because it’ll confuse the hell out of you on what that means. The Best New Blogger in a Category I Just Made Up award because you need to get over these! And please don’t blog about them.

5. Blog Naked

The important thing to learn here is that there are many readers that will only read and comment on your last piece of information. Make it a good juicy one. You should blog naked though; it will free your mind (among other things…).

Now I’m supposed to tag five people to do this also. That would be similar to Amway if I did that though so I’ll just tag Jimmy Carter, JD Salinger, the Dali Llama, Amy Winehouse, Jack LaLanne. Surely THESE people can’t be reading my blog…

56 comments:

Lori said...

I thought everyone knew to blog naked!?!?

Memarie Lane said...

I blog in panties and a wifebeater, does that count?

I'm totally changing my name to Lanerie Mem.

Bee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ChrisEldin said...

AHAHAHAHAHA! The people you tagged--that's brilliant!! I'm going to store this in my subconcious (I know that's spelled wrong, okay) and use it one day. I probably will forget to credit you.

Bee said...

Redoing my comment because I'm a ninny.

You know I'm going to read your blog highlighted from now on, right??

When I first started this Endeavour (I love that word, it reminds me of devour) I just thought it's be somewhere to spill my thoughts communicate with friends and family around the globe but it's evolved just a tad.

I can't see me changing my title, though some have suggested I change it to "Bee the horrible witch that likes to b*tch and moan and eats kids for breakfast"
I would, I really would but I think it's taken. ;o)

cathouse teri said...

You should have tagged Alan O'Day to see if he is STILL reading. :)

Great post. Love the challenges. But regarding Memarie Lane ~ is that not confusing enough? Lanerie Mem would just be over the top! But I like it! Hee hee.

(To tell the truth, every time I read Memarie Lane, I think in my head, "Mammary Lane.")

VE said...

lori - So did I, but after years of peeping in windows to see what bloggers actually do, it appears they all haven't been getting that message! Sheesh...

lanerie mem - It only counts if they are thong panties...not granny ones.

chris - My luck, they'll all comment on my blog...

bee - Ha ha. You know, that new long title is comforting, like when I eat childrens cereal but won't let me kids... ha ha ha

teri - So you saw he commented? Yeah, he seemed like a very nice guy. Now Rush Limbaugh...I hate it when he comments...

I always thought Memarie was like changing 'Me, myself and I' to 'Me, marie and I' and that is a bit weird because Marie is not living in my body... I wonder if she is any relation to Jack LaLanne?

Beth said...

Have noted all your helpful tips - # 5 ain't happening...

VE said...

beth - Ah, you're no fun. I can't hang around Toronto peeping in your window forever you know. Oprah's just one step behind me so I gotta keep moving!

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

I wonder if Rush Limbaugh blogs naked? Amy Winehouse definitely blogs naked. Only, she doesn't know she's naked (or blogging, for that matter.)

VE said...

Arizona - If Rush does, errr...I don't want to know. Amy totally reads my blog; why else would somebody take so many drugs!

Carla said...

"Words of warning. Do not attempt to use some nifty play on words around the actual word “Blog”."

Since I've been blogging for 4 years can I keep my nifty play on the the word Blog? I wouldn't want to disappoint you.

lime said...

yeah i thought naked blogging was self-evident....well something was evident anyway.

leelee said...

Yeah this naked blogging has been interesting here at work..

My gallery is open to the public as well..

My husband wondered why it always gets busy when here he leaves..

:-/ hmmmmmm

hugs!

leelee said...

I mean..gets busy here when he leaves..

Jeff said...

Technically, the "challenge" didn't say you needed to post 5 items, that was just my thing. But I like what you've done. I'm really glad you mentioned the blog name thing, because I was just getting ready to rename my blog to Blog From The Cloud.

Now, I'm going to try to erase the image of you blogging naked, and instead focus on the image of Marie blogging in her underwear. Ahhh, much better :-)

VE said...

carla - Four years in the blogging world IS like 1995 so you can keep your blog title...

lime - Naked blogging; it's like streaking but without the embarrassment and the arrest...

leelee - Oh, you own THAT gallery. I've heard about that one! ;)

VE said...

jeff - Or you could just change it to "Blogging Clouded my Viewpoints". I cannot believe you changed the original intent of the challenge! I'm telling Brent! You can now return to your Marie panty fantasy...

cathouse teri said...

Rush Limbaugh comments at your blog?

I have no idea why Jeff hasn't changed the name of his blog to
Clouds of Furry.

VE said...

Teri - I keep telling him I don't have drugs, I just write like I'm on drugs. He's slow to catch on...

Brent Diggs said...

Please tell me you were clothed when you wrote this, otherwise I may never sleep again for fear of dreaming.

Excellent way to rise to the challenge nonetheless.

Anne said...

I can't blog naked, the library wouldn't allow it.

I'm bummed about missing the $50 prize.

skidily doo

Kanrei said...

I used to blog naked, but my co-worker's laughter started to get to me. Now I wear a pink bunny suit and believe it or not, I get far fewer laughs.

VE said...

brent - Don't worry, I'm clothed. Lingere is acceptible, right? Thanks for abusing me with a challenge and for stopping by to us non-humor blog participants...

anne - Ha! Nice try. I was waiting for somebody to add that to their comment.

Kurt said...

Have you decided on a catchy title for your blog yet?

GC said...

one time a blogger got mad at another blogger because he didn't blog about an award that he received. . .for the second time

Megan said...

Thanks for the Extraordinary Blogger award! I will cherish it forever!

Alice said...

All excellent points. But I think you stole "The longer it is, the more it hurts" from a porn I saw once.

Alice said...

I'm a day late and a dollar short. Missed your gutter comment.

Later,
A

Jeff said...

teri - "Clouds of Furry" does have a nice ring to it. Unfortunately, you and I are the only ones who would get the reference.

His Holiness the Dalai Llama said...

VE my enlightened son - you have truly reached Nirvana. I'm your biggest fan!

Quickroute said...

ok - that was actually me above but I sure the Dalai Llama doesn't need to surf your blog he just knows all!

VE said...

kan - Ha! Pink bunny suits are the new work casual. Excellent!

kurt - Can I user 'Other Other People Exist'?

gc - Was it a 'most oblivious' award? That would make sense...

megan - Don't say I never gave you nothing...

alice - Yeah, but how do you know I wasn't IN that porn movie?!

jeff - Warning, I charge $1 for every inside joke comment I host. I'll send you an invoice. No, don't thank me...

dalai - I've reached Nirvana? Will I understand their lyrics now? Awesome.

quickroute - But if he did comment, then on my death bed I'd have that going for me....

House of Suz said...

You forgot the most important rule, never post regularly. Keep 'em guessing.

Anette said...

I LOVE the part about the skidily doo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Serena Joy said...

If you blog naked but don't tell anyone, are you really naked? Oh, wait, is that where the pictures come in?

VE said...

suz - Or don't comment regulary either ;)

I don't know that anybody other than iamnot knows that it is you I have to thank/blame for getting started blogging in the first place. I'll award you the 'Oh crap, what did I creat' award.

anette - I use that word on my kids. They say it isn't a word. I say it's MY word and they can't have it!

sj - That's a pretty heavy question; I always think everyone is blogging naked. That's why everything always seems funny!

VE said...

suz - You should have taught me to proof read too!

Michelle Ann said...

I often blog drunk...it may lead to the blogging naked.

ChrisEldin said...

Ve,

You inspire me with your artwork.

I have some lovely artwork of my own on my blog. Hope you can stop by...

:-)

VE said...

michelle ann - That always seems to be a pattern, doesn't it? If you stop others from drinking, do you have to put more clothes on?

chris - I will check that out now. Well, as soon as I ditch that Oprah again...

Nessa said...

Wow, it must work. Look how many comments you have. You must be nekked again.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

"The longer it is the more it hurts,"

Ha ha ha you knew this one would get my attention didn't you?

VE said...

nessa - Yeah, what is there, a blog announcement?

preposterous - I thought you might

cathouse teri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cathouse teri said...

Jeff: Yes, but they will come close enough to getting it, that they will think they did!

*Hands another dollar to VE*

VE said...

teri - This is quite lucrative, keep going :)

JD at I Do Things said...

Fun post! I was one of Jeff's chosen ones as well.

I do have one question: who is using post titles like "Surfing the Web so You Don’t Have to"? We may have a lawsuit on our hands.

JD at I Do Things so you don't have to

Mr Farty said...

1. Catchy title - check.

2. Mess with your readers - you did click on the Wimbledon picture in this post, didn't you?

3. You lost me after the first sentence.

4. You're just jealous of my Arte y Pico award. Whatever that is.

5. You do know that Naked Blog is one of the longest running, most popular blogs on the intertubes, right? And it's based in Edinburgh :-P

VE said...

JD - Ha ha. I should have known somebody would have that on their blog! It was merely "an example". Of course, I'm a copyright nightmare when it comes to photos. I have no idea where I get them and no shame on how I use them...

mr. farty -

snarky comment - check
links to fantastical stuff - check
Another Scott claiming to be first at somethin (ie Naked blogging) - check

Yes, I think you've covered it! ha ha

yellojkt said...

I put a post in the comments once. Little did I know I was so avant garde.

And if I'm naked, I got much better things to do than blog.

VE said...

yellowjkt - Just don't blog about it though! Ha ha ha

Maureen said...

" Do not attempt to use some nifty play on words around the actual word “Blog”. "

Aw, crap.... if only I had read this last year when I started my "Rather Be Blogging" site....

VE said...

maureen - You're ok...I was referring to newbies right now. You're a seasoned professional! Well, if you got paid to do it that is...

RED MOJO said...

Blogging naked, so that's your secret...

VE said...

red mojo - Shhhh...don't tell anyone though.