Tuesday, July 15, 2008

On the Run

Thanks to my Saturday post on Oprah, I’m now on the run, fleeing the Oprahia (that’s her staff mafia team). I’ve managed to take a chewing gum wrapper, a dime, a paperclip and stolen cell phone and put these all together to make a phone call and remotely post this.

Word of my whereabouts came to them on Sunday while I was hiking. But thanks to my Rambo move of jumping off the cliff with Paul Newman and Robert Redford (they have an exclusive contract for all dramatic cliff escapes) screaming “Oh…..shit” part way down until the tree branches broke my fall and I was able to escape.

Sure, I sliced my arm open and had to stitch it back up. It’s fortunate that I do carry a Singer Swingline sewing machine on me for just such situations. I admit it’s a little heavy to take backpacking but see how useful it is!

After holding up in a Safe house and purchasing a beautiful Honeywell safe that I will use to keep my gnomes in when they are mischievous, I sent a coded message to the girlfriend to have her go into “IRS MODE” where you act innocent and dumb. This technique used to work for traffic citations too up until they relied on citation revenue to fund their annual police barbeque party…
The key to avoiding the Oprahia is to stay off the grid. I’ve avoided all sewer covers. I don’t sit on wire mesh outdoor chairs at the local pizza place. I don’t use graph paper to write on. I don’t use a calculator. I don’t play tic-tac-toe. Nothing with a grid can be utilized or they’ve got you!

In the future my posts will be secretly routed through 17 relay systems, 12 satellites, 7 pay phones, 4 kiosks, 2 customer support desks, and the Babel Fish translator. Not only should that make it very difficult to track me, but my posts might finally make more sense.

33 comments:

Nessa said...

If the Oprahia offer a reward, can we turn you in? I'll split it with you.

VE said...

nessa - Yeah, but they only pay in Oprah Book Club books...

NYD said...

Oprah is goin down the same path as Eartha Kitt. Except she's taking victims with her. She'll need a vanguard to take over hell.

VE said...

nyd - She's taking over hell too? Damn, now where am I gonna hide?

MJ said...

What will she do to you when she catches you? Eat you?

VE said...

mj - I'll probably have to go on her show and be forced to jump on her couch and be humiliated. She'll probably coerce me into supporting Scientology and fast food...

RED MOJO said...

You are very resourceful, not unlike myself. I am currently typing this message using only two tin cups, a string, some putty, and a Sony Vaio!

VE said...

red mojo - That's not bad. I used to have to use a quarter but I've got that down to the dime now. Keep working on it.

Kurt said...

Even as you run and hide, you make fun of Oprah again. Have you learned nothing?

VE said...

kurt - It's called stickin' it to the man... errr... woman... errr....Oprah

Annie Ha said...

by the time I got to the bit about graph paper I was laughing out loud.
On a side note, I like your Equal Opportunity Blog Roll

colbymarshall said...

Oprahia will find you even if you run. They have endless resources; your best chance is to flee to Antarctica...she doesn't dare go somewhere without McDonalds and diet snapple...

VE said...

annie ha - Thanks. I've got to update it, I'm almost a month behind. I do it manual so that anyone only gets one point per post and I don't look back from where I left off for those do-goody people that go back retro and add comments for points. People are so sneaky you know!

Uh oh...Oprah's coming...gotta run...I can slow her down with those jungle booby traps I've set.

VE said...

colby - She intercepted the steamship I was on bound for Antarctica. I had let a whale eat me to escape. It worked in Pinnochio....

Megan said...

Am I going to have to start commenting using my secret identity now? Will that lose me my points??

cathouse teri said...

Ok, I'll meet you at the place near the thing where we went that time.

Beth said...

With the Oprahia after you, I fear for your literary sanity - and your weight. You do seem to have things under control (a sewing machine???)
Stay in touch. (With us, not yourself.)

Kanrei said...

Oprah is lemming repellant. I could not get past the photo.

justacoolcat said...

I hate to say it, but Oprah will get you.

leelee said...

hold on..let me first lower the cone of silence..

.
.
.
.
.
.
k...now we can talk..

You're really McGuiver, right?

SarahM said...

Run, I know a few er... safe houses in NYC. theyll protect you from oprah, but gd knows who else is in there

Jacki said...

HAHA....I am looking forward to when they finally catch you and I am interviewed by newspapers and magazines. I already have my story..."he always seemed to be such a nice guy. Quiet, but nice."

Serena Joy said...

Ah, geez, I was afraid that was going to happen. With your resourcefulness, you can probably stay one step ahead of her -- unless she starts giving away cars to people to hunt you down. Then your only hope would be to write a really sappy book to get on her good side.

cathouse teri said...

Why didn't you call it Oprahfia? Oprahia is too hard to pronounce. And swallow.

(I said swallow.)

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Ve...that last picture with the map worried me. Are you becoming the blog equivalent of little Billy from Family Circus??

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I read an interesting study that the majority of women don't ever achieve the big O. Oprah gets to have the joy of feeling and being the big O every day.......so why is she so pissy?

My theory is that since she is the BIG O, she won't be able to find you or see you because her eyes will be rolled up into the sockets and stuff....

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

May my great-great-grandma Orpha (really!) have mercy on me for the things I'm saying about women and their big O's.

Quickroute said...

This is how Dr Phil started out - You'll have a great future after a few years probation!

Bee said...

Wait!
Did you START in Antartica??
Isn't it very cold there?

Matt-Man said...

Leelee hit it on the nose...You are the reicarnation of Richard Dean Anderson. Okay he's not dead yet, but he should be. Cheers!!

Alex L said...

You gotta be careful one day you might wake up and find Stedmans head in your bed...

Alice said...

I'm thinking that watching some MacGuyver reruns could help you in your flight.

VE said...

Whew, the jungle booby traps didn't slow her down. She used Steadman as a shield. My getting eaten by a whale did work temporarily as I was spit out into the ocean. Apparently the whale found my making fun of Oprah distasteful. I'm able to post and comment disguised as a harbor seal on a remote island...

megan - No, you won't lose your points, the Babelfish translater will uncode your identity

teri - Alrighty then. I'll be the one with the you know that is staring at the don't ask

beth - Literary sanity...did I ever have that? I'll ask my mom, there could have been a year there long ago...

kan - Just squint really hard...

justacoolcat - I'm pretty slippery though

leelee - The cone of silence...ha ha. My favorite! Actually, I'm better than MacGuiver, he never was able to fix the show being cancelled!

sarahm - Out of the frying pan and into the fire, eh?

jacki - Oh sure, sell me out for your fame!

sj - Maybe she'll slip up and give away gas guzzling SUVs and nobody will be able to afford to help...

teri - See, I never knew you swallowed...

elastic - Family Circus...ha ha. Man, if you had just commented one more time I think Oprah might have gone after you instead of me. Keep commenting!

quickroute - I think I could help Paris Hilton if I had my own TV show...

bee - No, that's just what I want them to THINK. I'm actually making fruity rum drinks in the Carribean....wait...damn...now they'll be coming again.

matt-man - Yeah, well he couldn't even fix the show being cancelled! I'm better than that! I think...

alex - Ha ha! I hope he shaved before hand...

alice - I'll carry the DVDs around with me and learn as I go...thanks!