Thursday, July 17, 2008

Still on the Run

Day number five…still trying to stay alive. That’s right, Oprah is still after me but I’m so nonsensical that my lack of logic has baffled even her resources.

After she used Steadman as a human shield to thwart my jungle booby traps in the jungles of Congo, many other near encounters and daring escapes have happened:

Disguising myself as a harbor seal from Tasmania worked well until Jeff found me with his irritating non-meme challenge and exposed my cover. I managed to escape by allowing a whale to swallow me. It worked for Pinocchio and I knew the whale would find me distasteful.

I floated at sea for only a day when I caught a Navy submarine that was traveling un-submerged. I took this for 12 days until I got to the Caribbean. That’s hard to do when you’ve been on the run for only 5 days! Surviving on the sub wasn’t hard despite the lack of water and food; I mean Indiana Jones did it in Raiders of the Lost Ark!

While making fruity rum drinks at a bar in Jamaica I nearly got trapped when Oprah’s gang claimed to be the original Wailers. But they slipped up when one of them referred to themselves as Bob Marley.

“Bob Marley is dead and dred locks aren’t actually combination locks stuck in your hair” I yelled as I ran off and snuck on board a tourist ship headed for New York. Donning one of the mechanics grease strewn T-Shirts crew member just assumed I was one of the mechanics.

I met a beautiful woman in first class but her family didn’t approve. She danced with me below decks while her stuffy husband searched in vain. But the ship hit an iceberg floating around due to global warming and started to sink. We barely managed to escape the rising water and ended up in the ocean with only a door to float on. I gave it to her….until I got cold and then I tricked her with the old “look, there’s Brad Pitt” diversion and tossed her overboard. She’s not taking MY door! I was picked up by the Coast Guard under an assumed name and made my way into New York.

There I hid out as a blogger from Coney Island. With the local blogger user group I attended my very first Bloggers Convention up in the Bronx. It was a delegate of 9 members. We were going to take over all of NY but somebody shot the head guy and blamed it on us. We had to fight our way back.

Waiting for me back in Coney Island was the Oprahia. My only escape was to actually ride the roller coaster there. None of them dared to go on it. Sure, I thought that was it. I did escape and thought, this has got to end. I need a complete change.of name and looks. I hired the best plastic surgeon that my HMO would allow. At least his scalpel was sharp…

After several months of intensive workouts and post surgery healing (which is hard to do when its been only 5 days!) I was forced to live out my days looking like this now:

It’ll be hard to live with this new identity…but I’m just glad it’s all over!

50 comments:

Kurt said...

Fool. Oprah is monitoring this blog. Now she knows exactly what you look like.

Alan Smithee said...

Oprah has powers.

VE said...

kurt - We settled out of court...I let her borrow my plastic surgeon

alan - I know, look how she took Tom Cruise down!

Bee said...

VE, I will do anything to keep you safe if you look like that. I'll hide you in my basement and nobody NOBODY would be able to find you.

Kanrei said...

YOU HAVE NO NAVEL!!! OMG! What did Oprah do to your navel? She went too far removing your navel! Her chasing of you did scare me into behaving, but her stealing of your only navel has pushed me beyond rational limits! This is war now Oprah until you return VE's navel! Don't make me call out the Navel Naval Navy!

GC said...

what's the helmet for?

VE said...

bee - Oh good, basements keep my skin nice and pasty pale and wrinkle free.

kan - Ha! You've got to look up higher. Appparently the surgeon relocated it half way up my chest. I can't actually see it looking down anymore because the rippling abs get in the way...

gc - Your protection! ha ha

Jacki said...

I'll admit that I didn't notice a missing belly button until I read kanrei's comment. I was too focused on the upper body. But hey, no one is perfect!

And it just goes to show how much photographs are Photoshopped these days. Scary!

Memarie Lane said...

Wait- what's the difference? Don't you already look like that?

iamnot said...

You should have had the doc make you look like Ste adman. That way, you could have hid in plain sight.

Of course, then you'd be sleeping with Oprah...aledgedly.

VE said...

jacki - Preoccupied on specific body parts were you? Shame on you looking at the chin...

memarie - I admit it, the helmet was a prop...

iamnot - I'd also be her whipping boy. Sleep? I think I'd rather be on the run.

HeyJoe said...

Gee, you're kind of hot. I mean, great Warriors reference. Poor, poor Cyrus.

Anette said...

In case you need a hideaway if she goes for second rounds, we'll put a tent up for you behnd the shed. No one (not even next-to-Godesse Oprah) will ever track you down here!

leelee said...

I like it in your world..

its fun..it's exciting..and wow...you're hot

hugs!

VE said...

heyjoe - Yeah, he was the one and only.

anette - It's so nice of everyone to offer up a place to hide out. First Bee's basement and now your backyard. It's a tough choice, I've seen your cooking!

leelee - Yeah, it keeps the hours rolling by. Hot? Yeah, I should turn on the air conditioning, I am getting a little hot...

cathouse teri said...

Looking good!

Hey, I quoted you at my blog heading. Now you can call yourself a legend... in your own mind!

leelee said...

you had better..cuz your turning on all the ladies here..

sizzzzzzzzzzzzlin'

Quickroute said...

looks like you drank a gallon of botox !

VE said...

teri - That was awesome of you! I've never been quoted on somebody's blog title before. Thanks for the early b-day present!

leelee - Like bacon! Oooh, now I'm hungry...

quickroute - Actually it takes two gallons. The second gallon is for the chin dimple...

leelee said...

BACOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!

Jeff said...

Now why would a sperm whale be complaining about taste?

VE said...

leelee - Ha ha ha

jeff - Ha! Are you saying sperm whales have no taste? Careful, you don't want to piss them off... I had enough trouble with Oprah...

Beth said...

If Oprah and her gang somehow manage to figure out your new identity/body, you're welcome to come to Canada and hide right here - with that new body/identity.
(you crack me up...i'm still smiling)

colbymarshall said...

So did they cut you out of the whale, or did you exit via excessively large blow hole?

VE said...

beth - Ha ha ha. I must tell you; I'm not much of a handy man though... ;)

colby - It was the blow hole. I've had worse at the water park though...

Dee said...

Your too funny, and much to witty for me, my brain is entertained when I visit your site!

VE said...

dee - Really? I usually don't entertain the brain...mostly just people's pavlov like reflex motor skills...

sprinkle4 said...

"You're not taking MY door!" Aaaah, it is SO nice to see a man with common sense..

Oh, and could you give me the name of your surgeon? Niiiiiccccee....a little beefcake for the ladies never hurts ya know;)

ChrisEldin said...

The missing belly button is freaking me out. Can't you draw one in?

SarahM said...

everyone is freaking out about the belly button, but that Scalpel thing looks like it had some fallack object hanging off it...

THATS scary...

Megan said...

I'm more scared of you now than I am of Oprah.

Alice said...

Soo...I dig your new look. Married?

VE said...

sprinkle4 - Yeah, I thought it appropriate...why freeze over her! I'll give you the surgeons name but he'll be pretty darn busy fixing up Oprah after our out of court settlement...

chris - It's there, it's there. It's just up a little higher...

sarahm - Ha ha ha. I was waiting for somebody to mention that. Congratulations. You get me "Fallack observation of the Week" award. Don't blog about it!

megan - And you should be...I might be disguised as your living room sofa this very moment!

alice - Ha ha. Sure, NOW you ask!

Serena Joy said...

The surgeon did a great job, but Kurt's right. You'll never escape her unless you get a completely different look immediately. And no pictures, for God's sake!:-)

Carla said...

You can run, but you can't hide. Oprah's everywhere.

Nessa said...

Can I make your new identity my wall paper?

Oprah's tit is going to "accidentally" fall out of her dress.

angie said...

I'm with Kurt. Maybe the surgeon gave you special powers while he/she was at it though? You know so you can outsmart Oprah again? What's wrong with girl blogs? :)

P.S. I'd appreciate it if you'd post that picture of your new self each day. Thanks. :)

VE said...

sj - Don't worry, I settled it with her already, she'll get to use my surgeon

carla - Ah, but so am I and you never which one I will be. Why, I could be one of your trees in the park...

nessa - Wallpaper away! Yes, a wardrobe malfunction could impact her...

angie - Girl blogs...I feel so out of place on them... The surgeon has warned me to break it in gently so I'm not sure about posting the photo every day...

Chris C said...

I'm in agreement as well on the Warriors reference. Nice one!

justacoolcat said...

I see you read the Oprah book club choice "How to hide from Oprah and get great abs in 5 days".

Great book.

VE said...

chris - I wondered how many would recognize that...

justacoolcat - Wow, you are well read!

Manager Mom said...

OK - now YOUR photoshop skills are what I aspire to!

Matt-Man said...

Ha. Fricking Brilliant, VE. Cheers!!

VE said...

manager mom - Welcome. You have no idea the hassle. Some of that software is too complicated so I end up doing it the hard way with just paint but it takes 3 different software apps to get it right for me.

matt-man - Well you should know brilliant Mr. Smarty!!!

Maureen said...

Oh my, The Warriors!?!?!? Hubby loves that movie; I cringe when I watch it now (yeah, it was on TV just a few months ago).

And the navel thing freaked me out too (um, once it was pointed out). I was too distracted to notice that myself... ahem.

VE said...

maureen - Warriors is definitely a guy movie. And of course it took a guy to notice the belly button thing too...go figure! ha ha

Kelley said...

This post totally cracked me up. Like gaffawing and spitting my wine all over the place.

And I totally wanted to lick your chest.

But both of the above were probably wine induced so, yeah, I will come to my senses in the morning.

VE said...

kelley - Oh sure, drink to much wine and THEN visit VEs place! ha ha. I'm telling MPS about the chest licking...because it tickles...

RED MOJO said...

I love the way you squeeze so many days into your days. You are great at being on the Oprah lamb.

The new you is okay, if you like that sort of thing.

VE said...

red mojo - There's never enough time in a day so why not put several days into a single day!