Monday, July 21, 2008

VE's Hollyweird Squares

Well, tomorrow is an above average day:


- It's my birthday


- I'm getting married


- I'll be gone from blogging until Friday night as we head off whitewater rafting


No, I'm not kidding! And to honor all of, I'm going to give you one of my wackiest, most original posts ever. It's got politics, it's got celebratramps, it's got fantastical nonsense. It's got it all! Let's see if while I am gone I can top my all time high comment total of 62 for the Albums You Should Avoid for the rest of your Life - Part 2. So spread the word to leave a comment!


Here's your all original VE humor post. It's gonna have to satisfy you for the week:


This is what would happen should VE go into the entertainment industry:


We take you partway into the show...
Obama: I’ll take Michael Vick.

Host: Michael, True or False: They just banned eating dog in Bejing, China because of the Summer Olympics?

Obama: I’ll agree with Michael…we’re both brothers!

Host: It is true, X gets the square.

McCain: I’ll go with Paris. No really, I wanna go out with Paris…

Host: Paris. I’ll use small words. What year did copying DVDs first become a problem?

McCain: Ah, I don’t believe DVDs much less cameras were invented back then. Plus, Paris has the IQ of 1.769, so I’m going to disagree.

Host: You’re correct. O gets the square.

Obama: I’ll go with Patrick.

Host: Patrick. What can you never eat for breakfast?

Obama: I recently supported lunch and only last week flipped my support of dinner, but I’m going to say that is correct.

Host: Yes, it is correct. X gets the square.

McCain: I’ll go with OJ for the block.

Host: OJ, gloves were invented in 1834. But is it a law for dentists to wear gloves?

McCain: Why I didn’t spend 2 years in a Vietnam rat hole so I could trust some murderer to tell the truth. I’ll disagree with him no matter what his answer was (cause to tell the truth, I was eyeing Paris and not listening)

Host: Well you are in luck then because OJ is not correct. It is against the law. O gets the square.

Obama: I’ll take Mr. T to block

Host: Mr. T, which of the following rappers is still alive: Tone Loc, Tupac, Jam Master Jay or Easy E?

Obama: While I don’t have any experience with rap music, I still have an opinion and can make positive change in this area. I’ll say Mr. T is correct, ‘cause he’s a brother too.

Host: No, I’m sorry, it was Tone Loc. O gets the square and John McCain is our winner.

Obama: What? See, this is what is wrong with America when a brother would like to a fellow brother. It’s time for a change…

Host: Quick, somebody call a doctor, John McCain has collapsed. I think it was the excitement of winning something. Perhaps his heart.

Obama: I think it was melanoma. Look at how that abnormally shaped mole is spreading. It looks like the one Gorbachev had.

Host: That wasn’t a mole…

Obama: Too bad, at least then he could have got sympathy votes like McCain has.

Host: Well folks, this concludes another Hollyweird Sqaures. Thanks for watching. Hey Limbaugh…get over here. See if you have any medication for this…

The cameras fade just as Tinky Winky and Amy are doing lines of crack in her square…

84 comments:

Jeff said...

Ok, I'll come back later and comment on the post itself... but let me be the first to say W00T!!! CONGRATULATIONS VE!!!

That is so cool that you're getting married! I've seen partial pictures of your girlfriend and I must say, she is very partially attractive. No wait, I mean she is very attractive, partially. Nevermind you know what I mean.

Anyway, where are you registered. I simply MUST buy you a gift.

VE said...

jeff - Thanks. Registered? I've had all my shots... No, no registers...just well wishers...

Practically Joe said...

Crap!
Damn you Patrick!
I threw my shoulder out trying to lick my elbow.

Congrats!

iamnot said...

Married?
What'd you do wrong to deserve that?

cathouse teri said...

What? Why would anyone get married? Sheesh! Well, my condolences, dear. :)

Very funny post. I don't think he collapsed because of melanoma, though. I think it was melodrama.

(Abnormally shaped mole. You are so silly.)

VE said...

practically joe - I know, I fell for it too...oh, I was talking about the marriage thing, were you talking about the elbow licking?

iamnot - Grew up with old fashioned values I guess...

teri - Because I love the abuse, don't you know that? Ha ha

Lori said...

Well, you'll never have an excuse to forget your anniversary!!!

Congrats and have fun rafting!!

Matt-Man said...

Well congrats VE. Rafting eh? you're not gonna pull a Natalie Wood "accident" on your bride during your Honeymoon are ya?

As for McCain, I think he died from boredom while listening to himself.

Have fun, Happy Birthday, Happy Marriage, and Cheers!!

VE said...

lori - Thanks...it is convenient to remember, isn't it? And it wasn't even my idea. Imagine that.

matt-man - I would but I don't where Natalie is to do so...

Knight said...

Hey, congrats on the getting older and getting hitched! Sounds like you will have one hell of an amazing week!
I liked the fade out best of all. Kinky Tinky Winky is my favorite.

leelee said...

I'll be back to comment as well...but WOW...CONGRATULATIONS VE...I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

HUGS! to you and the future mrs VE

:-)

Memarie Lane said...

I guess you weren't kidding eh? I want pictures, and I want to see your man boobs.

Bee said...

I'll come back to comment properly on the post.

HAPPY BRITHDAY AND my condolences to future Mrs. VE! ;op

You are a clever cleverman to get married on your birthday.

VE said...

knight - Thanks! Kinky Tinky Winky...I like it! Yes, even my disturbed imagination cannot top Teletubbies. WTF is up with that show? Drugs, I'm sure...

leelee - Future Mrs. VE...well, now that you put it that was, it does sound scary for her!

memarie - Ha ha. Maybe I can get a man boob job just to appease you!

bee - Yes, come back. I haven't had my abuse yet. Oh, yeah, I am clever...in that stoopid kind of way that men are...

Kanrei said...

KABOOM! YOU DROPPED A BOMB TODAY! Happy Birthday! Congrats on marriage I guess! I have to come back to read teh post...shock and all!

The Intracerebral Itinerary said...

Happy Birthday! Mine was yesterday.

Great blog. Couldn't think of more fitting 'celebrities' if I'd tried.

Anne said...

oops. see yesterday's post for my comment of the day.

my scrolly wheel got too happy at your news.

Sarah said...

Congrats and happy birthday! Boy what a week for you!

Mona said...

Happy Birthday & congratulations!

er...who won & why???

:D Politics is so bitchy...she will make one jealous dog eat the other over her...!! :D

Kanrei said...

OK, that post was funny as all Hell, but I am still in shock. Have a great week!

Kurt said...

Oh Come on! Everyone knows Tupac is dead.

Beth said...

"Tomorrow is an above average day."
It sure as hell is! Especially the bit about whitewater rafting on a honeymoon!
Congratulations - to both you and your wife-to-be. She must have a great sense of humour.
And Happy Birthday.

(And that was a wacky, original post...)

Elizabeth said...

Congratulations! Oh and I love the picture of Vick with the dog at his throat.

lime said...

well happy birthday and congratulations. smart thinking to get married on your birthday, now you have no excuse for forgetting.

but seriously, congratulations and best wishes to you. lovely news.

Quickroute said...

WOW! - CONGRATS! Hope you guys have a great time rafting!

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

Congrats! Tying the ole knot, huh? Awesome! Have a great time rafting!

I love Hollywood Squares. Its too bad McCain survived years of hell as a POW only to be taken out by a cheesy game show.

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

Oh, and Happy Birthday!

Serena Joy said...

Woo-hoo! Tomorrow's gonna be a VE Banner Day. Happy Birthday, and have a happy, happy wedding and trip. Congratulations!

You're right, today's post has everything.:)

VE said...

kan - Yeah, I'd been meaning to break it that I would have to be away yet again and what is more shocking than the truth as to why!

intracerebral - Thanks and happy belated B-Day to you too. I love summer B-days...no other holiday gets in the way and it doesn't rain.

anne - Thanks. I sometimes do that too...but everybody expects me to do something stoopid like that

sarah - On top of it we're building a house. Yeah, can we pile more stressful things into one time period?

mona - Nobody EVER really wins...

kan - Ah, glad you liked it. One of my more impromptu ideas that took a long time to actually create.

kurt - Who? You must be more well-read then I am

beth - Wacky is as wacky does. Yes, this is a week to remember for sure. I'll be back next week for more wackiness though

elizabeth - Thanks. I thought it a nice detail to add the dog... ha ha ha. It's the little things that crack me up sometimes.

lime - Dad didn't raise a dummy! I may be wacky but I'm not stoopid

quickroute - I've heard it's a beautiful river and it's right here in my state. About time I try it; I've rafted all over the world already.

arizona - Thanks. Perhaps if they'd put McCain into a pit while he was playing it would have made him feel more comfortable...

Sarah said...

Building a house too?! Oh boy! The only way you could add more stress is if your bride to be was pregnant with quintuplets! :)

K9 said...

oh no! tone loc is still alive? after funky cold medina??? and they say waterboarding is harsh!

wow. married. im so sorry. grrrrrrherherhahaha no im not...congratulations! looks like youve got yourself a fine adventurous woman. enjoy your honeymoon.

damn. nobody called DLR. i wanted to see him jump n preen. grrrherhahaha

fun post. loved your photoshopped dog on mike vick. hey that dog wasnt photoshopped! grrherherha

VE said...

sarah - You are scaring my now! ha ha

k9 - Ha ha. Thanks. I don't know, that dog seems to show up wherever Mike V. goes. Perhaps I can call upon the squares again and catch those that didn't get respond. Milking a good thing is a Hollywood tradition...

EmmaK said...

ooh! white water rafting!! I hope you know what you're doing. Don't do anything too risky like not wearing a condom on the wedding night....could be unlucky for some!!

Dee said...

Congratulations! How wonderful and white river rafting? I have been wanting to try that!

DEE

Carla said...

WOW, how can you possibly top life on Wednesday? So getting married and an episode with rough water? At least you get that "rough" part out of the way. CONGRATS!!!!

ps...I LOVE being married.

Megan said...

I'm bummed that David Lee Roth didn't get to answer any questions!

Oh well, congrats VE and best of luck.

VE said...

emmak - I know what I'm doing on all occasions! I have rafted all over the world before. And as far as a condom goes...don't worry, I've been tutored! ha ha

dee - Thanks. It is a lot of fun and pretty easy if you just go with a guide. I've done some on my own years ago too. But I just like the guided ones these days.

carla - See, I'm old fashioned; I loved it too and will again. Yes, I'm sure I'll have lots of rough water stories.

megan - I thought I might milk this concept again, perhaps with some new guests and allow those that didn't get called on to do so in the future. What do you think?

yellojkt said...

Congrats on your nuptials. Whitewater rafting sounds like a great honeymoon. And Hollyweird Squares is sheer brilliance.

Bee said...

I knew Tinky was the one who hooked Amy! He once tried to talk me into a dark alley but I said No No No.

VE said...

yellowjkt - Yeah, the nice thing about whitewater rafting is that any potential problems with the marriage sort of get taken care of one way or another there. ha ha ha.

Dee said...

yay McCain WON! Boo he probably died!

sprinkle4 said...

OH MY GOODNESS! Where have I been that I didn't know all of this was happening?!? CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! Let me tell you, that bride to be is one lucky young lady, I tell ya!

Oh,yeah and HAPPY BIRTHDAY as well. Now you know that you'll get at least ONE gift on that day. Hopefully, one of the good ones;)

VE said...

sj - How could I miss your comment???? Your one of my most consistant reader/commenters! Thanks so much.

bee - I missed your comment too. Very tricky of you commenting while I was replying to an earlier one. I hate when that happens. That was a good move to say no, no, no! ha ha ha. You gotta watch those Tubbies, they are baaad...

dee - It's always bittersweet...

sprinkle - Yeah, and where have you been?!! No, I pretty much shocked everyone... Don't worry, she reads all my posts (and then rolls her eyes) ;)

leelee said...

VE..I forgot to wish you a happy birthday too!

This post was brilliant...I love the pics...the questions, the answers..oh I just loved it all..

really...I did..

HUGS and have a happy wedding/birthday and honeymoon..

wow

Carla said...

Congratulations!!!! Wow. Your birthday will never be the same. Enjoy. And loved the post. Very funny.

captain corky said...

Awesome news! Congrats and have a fantastic week.

Jess Riley said...

I love how your mind works.

And let me be the 47th to congratulate you!!!!! And wish you a happy birthday.

VE said...

leelee - Awww, thanks. We'll be heading out in the morning (Tue)

carla - Thanks. True, but it hasn't been the same ever...I just keep getting older.

corky - Thanks. Weather will be mid to high 80s and perfect clear blue sunny, low humidity weather!

VE said...

jess - Thanks. I'm just glad my mind even works! The 47th is a special congratulations too because that's my new age. Get it, 'new age'...never mind...

blue said...

seriously...congratulations! i'll be back to comment later, too...it's LATE!!

Alex L said...

Married hey, birthday hey, Cranial endoscopy hey... oh sorry got distracted, congrats on the first two and avoid the last one whatever it is.

They should have gone with tinky winky that lil bastards a smart one I'm telling you.

Lakota said...

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
happy happy and congratulations VE darling! I'm so happy for you!
Damn - i can't decide between birthday spankings and kissing the groom... oh well, can I have both for a $100, VE?

Anndi said...

Happy birthday Ve!

And may you have a lovely beginning with your bride.

No smarmy comment.. just a smooch!

MJ said...

Oh, well, Happy birthday... have fun rafting... and... and... what was the other thing?

Oh right... congratulations and best wishes for marital bliss.

Sully Sullivan said...

First of all, happy birthday and congratulations. That's an awesome day.

This post was awesome, great job. The photoshopping must have taken forever.

NYD said...

Happy birthday!
Congratulations!!
Bon Voyage!!!

Queen Goob said...

Wow - you got a busy day of it! Happy Birthday, Congratulations, and enjoy your trip.

p.s. did the ever get David Lee Roth outta there or is he still just hanging around waiting for a camera shot?

VE said...

Ssshhhh everyone...she's getting ready...takes me about 3 minutes to get ready for anything...

Thanks for all the comments. I have read and I will comment back when I get the opportunity. Just a little busy today...

cathouse teri said...

So cute. :)

I'm wearing black today, in honor of your maritalness. I am hoping for the best. It is my deepest wish that you two do better than... erm... the entire rest of the married world.

(Seriously though, I know at least five very happily married couples. May you be number six.)

Mother Theresa said...

Congratulations!!!!!! But, are you really taking your future wife rafting for your honeymoon? Oh wait a minute, I went camping on my honeymoon, so I guess I shouldn't make any smart ass remarks....

VE said...

Ha ha ha...can you believe it...the family is STILL getting ready. I was BORN READY...just don't know what for...

Oh, and to clarify, the whitewater trip isn't really the formal honeymoon per say. It's a family event for the four of us and we'll be taking a real honeymoon next spring to the South Pacific (think Bora Bora...)

Uh, gotta go for real this time...feel free to mingle among the comments!

Michelle Ann said...

Congrats VE!!!!

Love the Hollywood Squares...would love to see Flavor Flav in the mix.

leelee said...

Thinking of you all today...I know you are having an awesome day!!

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!

Jeffrey Ellis said...

Dude, congrats on the wedding, happy birthday, have fun rafting, and very funny post!

Diesel said...

Congrats and happy birthday!

Todd Camplin said...

This post was well put together. Nice work. FUNNNY stuff. I think this is a birthday gift to your readers.

Maureen said...

Holy crap... birthday and getting married??? And you had time to make one of the funniest posts ever? You are amazing.

Congratulations, VE. Have a wonderful time. And ignore those marriage nay-sayers. I've been hitched for 28 years now.

All the best to you and yours.

WA said...

Firstly, congrats on all your big events!
And this post is hilarious. That's all.

justacoolcat said...

I see you found a clever way to always remember your anniversary.

Congrats!

angie said...

Congratulations and Happy Birthday. Have a great honeymoon!

Kurt said...

Are you married yet?

Alan Smithee said...

72 comments!

Mrs. R said...

Congratulations and Happy (late) Birthday.

Patrick being a crack addict explains so much about that show...

damon said...

Congratulations VE! Obviously you've met a woman who doesn't know about this blog, right?!

We all got together and ponied up 75 comments or so. (It's the least we could do.)

Megan said...

Just adding to the mayhem again. And yes, I think you should do the squares again!

colbymarshall said...

CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I think TInky Winky is hilarious.

Kelley said...

Dude! you were not joking!

Happy Birthday AND congrats.

Hopefully we will get the VE version of events when you get back. And seeing you know what I look like, I want a freaking PICTURE!

VE said...

Hey everyone, well, I was blown away to see the comment count at 77! I'm back. The family is still intact. No Deliverance episodes on the water. I'll put out a semi-serious photo post tomorrow of the rafting trip. Sorry, no wedding photos...they are all with the photographer. Everything went spectacular.

leelee said...

Yay!!

Welcome back, and again, congrats.

Can't wait to see photos!

HUGS!

Anette said...

Congratulations! Hope you had a great day!

RED MOJO said...

Wow, great news and a great post and where the hell was I? I hope it's not too late to contribute, I'm number 81.

Happy Birthday and Congratulations! You old dog you!

VE said...

I can't possibly respond to each and every comment here. I'll just say thanks for all the lovely comments and I'll go back to responding to your comments from here on out...

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