Thursday, August 14, 2008

CRUD and CRAP

Are you too successful? Are you too popular? Are you too respected?

Well for a limited time we are opening our private seminars up to the general public. That’s right, here at the Career Ruining University Docket (CRUD) we specialize in helping famous and important people relieve their burdens and stress. Through our Career Ruining Advise Program (CRAP) you too can step one or many notches down through our simple proven techniques.

Still don’t think we’re successful? Take a look at some real life techniques that we’ve employed even though you didn’t know it:


We had Tom Cruise training for his infamous jump on Oprah’s couch for weeks. He slowly graduated from a simple platform to a coffee table to a kitchen to a recliner chair to a futon until finally to a full sized replica of Oprah’s actual couch. Our manic instructor guided him in the best use of expressions and verbiage during said embarrassing event. Tom has been a repeat customer with many situations that we have had to guide him on to really bring down his celebrity stature.


Though Michael has been problematic in that he was using our competition ‘Squashing Careers Under Mentorship (SCUM)’ before he came to us, we were never-the-less able to bring him a notch down in a more favorable way. While our competition had been routinely guiding him through various surgeries and clothing choices, we felt that didn't have the true essence of stupidity and embarrassment that he was looking for. Our advisors helped him orchestrate what we refer to in the field as a ‘baby alert’ maneuver. That’s right, dangling said baby from a balcony provided a very effective one-time lowering of his stature in a way that didn’t allow for self pity due to surgical after effects. This device has worked for another prior customer: Britney Spears.

News of the effectiveness of our methods with Michael spread throughout their family. We employed a radical new spin on our ‘exposed privates’ methods for Janet Jackson. The “wardrobe malfunction” was the perfect stupid angle to both bring down her career a notch or two and yet allow enough stupidity into the stunt to avoid unnecessary hatred.







Here at the institute, you can learn several of our most basic and fool proof methods for sending your career and/or celebrity to a crashing end:

Scientology. We’ll give you a short course on this science fiction religion and even script you for a large public venue in which to preach from it. This method has worked for both Tom Cruise and John Travolta just to name a few.

Sex Scandals. If you enjoy getting laid and are willing to expose yourself to the public eye, you might find our Sex Scandal courses of benefit to you. We provide the staging for sex videos, sexual rendezvous, or simple exposure and/or personal stimulation caught on tape or photo. Any one of these methods is a proven solution toward full career tanking.

Racial Slurs. We’ve helped guide countless celebrities and politicians with career destruction through our patented racial slur techniques. From radio DJ Imus to Mel Gibson, this method has proven nearly invincible for ridicule and embarrassment. Though we didn’t actually suggest Mel drive intoxicated, we couldn’t be happier with the results from our tutoring when he chose to deploy our methods during his being pulled over.

Custom Solutions. That’s right. You too can meet with our counselors and in several easy sessions they will help craft a completely unique way to embarrass yourself in the public eye. We’ve helped countless celebrities through one-off innovation. Remember the kiss that Adriane Brody gave Haley Barry at the Academy Awards? We successfully used that particular scenario just to prove that even a good thing can turn ugly; hence the Richard Gere incident you might have read about. Richard was remarkably happy…he can now ease into retirement through ridicule and obscurity.

Don’t be fooled by our would-be competitors. You too could end up like some of their clients!

Why not call us today and see what we can do to ruin your life!

39 comments:

lime said...

i guess i should be glad to say i have no need of these services since i am neither wildly successful not rich beyond imagination. i'm also not all that respected. i guess the hairstyle i have which resembles phil specter's has been doing its job.

ChrisEldin said...

OMG!! I laughed out loud at the Scientology bit. I hope you don't get yourself in trouble...

You are prolific these days. And funny. Yep, very funny!

:-)

VE said...

lime - That's a good start...that haircut. You could still deploy some of these techniques just to feel further humiliation. It's easy and fun!!!!

chris - I have this nagging fear it'll all run out one day. I'll just have no more funny ideas. Slap me if I get there and don't realize it...

Roy Scribner said...

Okay, you piqued my interest - let me work on the whole "rich and famous" thing and I'll get back to you. I'm leaning towards a sex scandal; can your program tie that into other areas of interest, i.e. Brazilian Volleyball?

VE said...

roy - Sounds like a custom scenario but I'm sure we can accomodate. Of course it won't be pretty; I'm sure you'll end up wearing the Brazillian volleyball outfits in this whole scenario...

Queen Goob said...

Was Paul Reubens a customer as well?

VE said...

queen goob - No, sadly that was one of our competitors. While we certainly could have helped him with humiliation, exposing himself when involved with Children's entertainment is not necessarily the best approach. The Scientology approach probably wouldn't have worked either because nobody would have actually taken him seriously...sort of the Andy Kaufman effect. We would have crafted a special one-off custom embarrassment for him.

Kanrei said...

You are keeping up the steam. Another winner and this one is certainly for your wall of fame.

Kanrei said...

I am shocked no Brittney or LiLo. Are they graduate teachers or something?

justacoolcat said...

SInce receiving my degree from (CRUD)I've successfully pissed on the desk of three CEO's.

Thanks CRUD!

VE said...

kan - Thanks. I made a small reference to Britney but ever since the whole 'she's crazy' stuff I promised not to poke fun at her anymore. And there were just so many to choose from anyway...

justacoolcat - We are so proud of your graduation and subsequent CEO pissing. Nothing like being caught urinating to feel the warm blanket of humiliation...

Sornie said...

I find it too funny that Phil Spector's hair was too large to fit in that photo.

Kurt said...

I will contact you as soon as I am successful and respected.

Jacki said...

Was that a picture of Mel Gibson or Saddam Hussein?

I also have a theory that the more money a person makes, the stupider they get. Why else would so many celebrities become Scientologists or Khabbalists?

I think I'll start wearing blue threat around my wrist, and when people ask what it is, I'll tell them I am studying some new religion. See how many people follow and give me money.

MJ said...

Oooo, this sounds like a promising career venture. How can we get a career with CRUD?

Matt-Man said...

What? What's wrong with Phil Spector? He's everybody's neighbor. Cheers!!

Beth said...

I am very tempted (the Sex Scandal course sounds particularly intriguing) but my climb up the celebrity ladder of success has been so painfully slow - I'd only end up falling one rung down.
(I'll call when I'm half way up.)

colbymarshall said...

HAHAHAHA! I laughed too hard at the Scientology part, also! Too funny!

VE said...

sornie - I hear it can be seen from space...

kurt - Be sure to speak up then...people get hard of hearing in their later years in life

jacki - OMG...what is that blue thread religion you just made up? Can I join? Will I get multiple wives? Will I get to harrass other religions? I must know...

mj - We have a comprehensive psychological course designed to determine if you can truly come up with embarrasing ideas and show no remorse...

matt-man - I hear he throws some killer parties too...

beth - The sex scandal will always be there waiting for you when you're ready...meanwhile keep practicing!

colby - I should write a religion too. There just aren't that many writers that sit down to write a nice juicy religion these days

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

First you had to run from Oprah and her goons. Now you're going to have to run from the Scientolozits.

Serena Joy said...

I've already been through the universities of CRUD and CRAP -- with an embarrassingly low GPA, I might add. No matter how crappily I do in life, however, I can rest easier in the knowledge that my hair will always look better than Phil Specter's. It pains me to admit that I haven't yet had a good sex scandal, though. Do you think I could take a night class?:)

P.S. - I could also take a crash course in bodyguarding. You might need one if the Scientolzoids get their dander up.

C said...

What a great post, VE! You had me laughing throughout the entire post! I was just wondering...Do you ever get "in trouble" for anything you've ever written? Are there any people who have ever sent you messages stating that they have been severely offended?

I LOVE your blog. I've got lots of catching up to do here since I've been away from the bloggy world for a bit!

C

Megan said...

I would love to work for CRUD/CRAP as well. I've got some great ideas but I won't list them here in case the competition is lurking.

Todd Camplin said...

Even though there are high and lows, bad press is still coverage. As a very unknown artist, I would even like bad press. A least someone is saying something. Silence for an artist (actor, singer, painter, etc) is death.

yellojkt said...

If I'm going to ruin my life, I'd rather do it with a sex scandal. Can you arrange for Angelina Jolie to assist?

VE said...

arizona - Scientolozits! That's a good one. Yes, seems I'm always running from somebody. Can't anyone take a joke anymore?!

sj - Night course! Yes, that's a special course for sure. We'll have to make sure you're involved in one of those!

c - Fortunately nobody has threatened my life lately. Plus, I'm too unserious about EVERYTHING for anyone to complain...

megan - You can take the psychological tests. I'm sure it will bring out all your embarrassing faults to determine if you are ready

todd - You're not unknown...I know you...well, ok, that's not helping, is it?

yellowjkt - That'll be an upgrade offering you realize

bitchlet said...

What would you do for someone who is popular in class?

Sully Sullivan said...

Great work VE. This was a very solid post.

Word is that Tom Cruise is going to surprise and delight us all in his cameo for Tropic Thunder. This could be his rebirth.

VE said...

bitchlet - I think an impromptu class humiliation is in order for popular students...

scully - Thanks. Perhaps Tom should get used to bit cameo rolls in the future!

cathouse teri said...

I think it's odd how very Jewish Mel looks in that picture.

leelee said...

wow...I had to do a double take when I saw that Mel Gibson photo..I thought it was Saddam Hussein..

HUGS!

VE said...

teri - Ironic, isn't it? I'm sure that's one picture Mel would like to erraticate from the world...

leelee - Funny...I thought it was Charles Manson...or Marilyn Manson...their are just so many weird Mansons I get all confused.

Carla said...

Ha, ha!!! Too funny. Good job with Tom jumping on the couch. Great move for bringing his career down a notch.

VE said...

carla - I heard couch jumping might be a celebrity olympic event next time around...

ChrisEldin said...

Hey Ve,
Do we really need a reason to slap you?
heh heh
;-)

VE said...

chris - Absolutely not. Slap away...I need the abuse!

Maureen said...

Silly me. Here I thought those celebs made foolish decisions and bad career choices themselves. I mean, they make it look so easy!

Good work. I am sure your services will be in high demand for a long time.

Sushiboy said...

I'll take ten. Those could come in handy. I wonder if I could slip some of those proven techniques into the drinks of my enemies. :)

VE said...

maureen - And it's a lot of fun creating unique ways for humiliation and getting paid for it!

sushiboy - Ha! There's only one way to find out!