Friday, August 22, 2008

Expanding the Hallmark Line

It’s the American way to take a bad thing and make it worse. For example, I don’t think there are enough Hallmark card categories yet. They need to think outside the flowery envelope!

Despair Cards

That’s right; there can be a lot of real life events they could be milking your money for. What about all the relationship endings?

Divorce.
Think how many sympathetic fools could be buying cards for you after this wonderful event. Sure, you can subcategorize here. You’ve got the:

- Hate section. This is where anger is the theme. There could be a lot of fun stuff going on here. You could have a little card with a mirror in it that says “Here’s a portrait of my hell to remind you of how I felt in our marriage…” below it.

- Sadness section. There’s nothing like a good heartbreak to sell more cards. You know, cards with sympathetic and lame little sayings like “Though he was boinking the neighbor, now you have your life back to savor”

- Thank God it’s Over section. Lots of sentimental ‘butterfly bursting out’ cards here. You could have funny ones too with symbolisms like you driving away from the local dump. Or, tell your ex how you really feel with our popular music card:

Relationships Over

I know, I know… why would anyone send a card to end a relationship? Trust me. If you make these cards they’ll do it. It can’t be anymore stupid than the current Halloween cards they sell. I mean seriously, why would you be sending people those? It’s neither a trick nor a treat. The only trick was they sold you the card in the first place and you were dumb enough to spend more money adding a stamp to it and mailing it. You already spend a bazillion dollars on costumes and candy for the damn holiday.

Revenge and Hate Cards

This one is a fun section and might have the most outrageous cards in the whole new line. Consider this one:

Jealousy Cards

Nothing says I love you like a good old jealousy card. There can be some beautiful prose on some of these cards like “I’ve seen you out with Bob, Jeff and Ty, but not anymore…they’ve gone bye-bye”

Quitting and Getting Fired Cards

They have retirement cards. Why not take advantage of quitting and getting fired. Quitting is perfect. Think of all those miserable cubicle workers still stuck in that lifeless, thankless, hopeless corporate office envying you having left. They’ll buy cards like this:

Misc

There are other categories that can be squeezed in here too. Let’s consider a welcoming to the traditional Mormon fundamentalists faith for a card:

Yes…there are so many possibilities and so little time for VE to capitalize on them.

52 comments:

Sarah said...

The musical Sonny & Cher card...brilliant!

NYD said...

Really, the possibilities are endless.
I suggest a series of anti-Bush cards with a special selection for the parents and wives of folks who didn't come back from Iraq

Memarie Lane said...

Cher looks like Celine Dion in that pic.

There really ought to be more cards for teenagers. I swear I spent two hours trying to find a card for my 17 year old niece's birthday. Everything either had The Little Mermaid on it or a guy in a speedo. No in between. I ended up getting her one of those $.50 cards that just say "happy birthday" on the front.

Hale McKay said...

Note to self:

Reread this posting later without a cup of coffee in one hand - and after the keyboard dries.

(Warning: Reading funny material while half-awake/asleep and trying to drink hot liquids maybe hazardous to the health of your keyboard and other computer peripherals.)

MJ said...

I want a momma's boy break up card - "I hope you love your mom, because she's the only woman in your life now."

Or how about a card for your friend who's getting engaged to someone you don't approve of - "To my friend on your engagement,
I'm so happy to hear you finally found someone who surpasses the low qualities you've come to expect in men."

VE said...

sarah - To the point, huh?

nyd - Good point...

marie - Yep, that was the last experience I had in the card shop. Nothing fit.

hale - That's why I just use an IV drip...

mj - I like the low expectations one. We could also do one with a limbo contest that says "How low can you go" on the front and then "...apparently all the way to the bottom...good luck on the marriage; you'll need it" on the inside.

colbymarshall said...

Along these same lines, facebook.com has a friend this person option, but there is no enemy option. I'd like an enemy option, please.

bitchlet said...

Hallmark could have a "you failed you loser" card.

leelee said...

these are great. I am that crazy woman who stays in the card aisle for like 20 minutes, laughing out loud...I can only imagine how long I would be in that aisle if YOUR cards were offered.

I'm easily amused..

HUGS!

PS: that poo card really grossed me out..

leelee said...

oh and I wish you and Mrs VE lived closer...I would SO have you guys over for dinner...so fun!!

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I have a small collection of mean(but funny) postcards that I send anonymously to people that have cheesed me off. Really, I do! I was going to post about them but then I realized that if traced back to me they would no longer be anonymous and I would probably be fired. Yeah, some of my most specialist customers have gotten my handmade beauties.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I'm Mormon. Not fundamentalist Mormon just your regular non-smoking, non-drinking, no-polygamy kind of Mormon.

Anyway, a card for converts to the LDS church should be modified as :
99 mystery meat casseroles on the wall........
Welcome to the faith!

Alternately
99 Jello salads on the wall....

VE said...

colby - The friend option IS the enemy option! It's a secret double-agent thing...

bitchlet - Ha ha. Fits in with my last post. You could have a card that says "I just went number two..." on the front and then "Say...isn't that what you placed?" on the inside. Send it to all the Silver medalists. I'm so bad....

leelee - I don't understand why Hallmark won't call me back? ;) ps - Thanks for the dinner invite. I'm getting on the bus right now...

elastic - THAT'S where that card came from ;)

elastic - I knew somebody that was Mormon would comment on this. The wife told me not to go there but it was just too much fun to resist! I figured there probably aren't a lot of fundamentalists reading my blog...

Serena Joy said...

I've always thought Hallmark could do more insofar as getting in sync with modern life. I'd certainly buy some of those more meaningful cards.:)

Megan said...

"Butterfly bursting out" is pure gold. Gold, I tell you!!

VE said...

sj - Yeah, they're still hung up on their own image....creating that perfect Hallmark life. Not that you can't have the cutsy ones there but at least offer real life cards and alternate choices for the categories they already have.

VE said...

megan - I prefer cash. Gold is so heavy to carry around in the pockets...

Michelle Ann said...

Love the STD card...there is a novelty shop in town that sells official looking envelopes that state on the outside "CONFIDENTAL:STD Test Results Enclosed".

Maureen said...

Ooooh... I make my own cards. Definitely some ideas here....

Nah, I'm too much of a wimp to make anything like that.

Love the Sonny & Cher one!

VE said...

michelle ann - Perfect. Put the obnoxious neighbor's name on it and then address it to the nosey neighbor that blabs to everyone instead...

maureen - Sometimes you just gotta let it all go and express how you really feel through a card. Just make sure you can run and hide afterwards though...

Evil Genius said...

Put a copyrite on those cards buddy, I think you're sitting on a goldmine here!

LOLOLOL

VE said...

evil - You know, I think I could make cards. Might help if I could draw or something too though

iamnot said...

Actually, someone we both know once sent me a card celebrating her recent divorce.
Unfortunately, I was between divorces at the time myself and could not take her up on the hint.

Quickroute said...

classic! I think you're onto a winning business idea here.

Jacki said...

LOL!

Is this in response to their announcement that they now have "commitment ceremony" and "same sex marriage" cards now?

lime said...

you know i think i have actually seen divorce cards. i'm not kidding.

Beth said...

Yet another money-maker! You've tapped into the bottomless pit of human stupidity - pure genius. Get in touch with Hallmark.

(My God, how long am I going to be singing, "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall...??)

VE said...

iamnot - She's sneaky that way. I have no doubt she somehow found a divorce celebration card when there weren't any...

quickroute - I'll have to do some more research. Cards are easy to make...

jacki - Actually, I don't know what sparked it. Things just seem to come out of nowhere...

lime - Yes...with 6 plus billion people I'm sure if I investigated this further I'd find an amazing amount of cards you don't normally see. It's sort of like toys. Some of the best toys can't even get on the shelves; they get choked out because of all the crap.

beth - Yeah, errr.. sorry about that tune in your head. I'd feared it might linger with a few people...

Jeff said...

"I’ve seen you out with Bob, Jeff and Ty..."

Hey! How did you find out about that?

Lori said...

Those things would sell like mad!!

VE said...

jeff - I've got these internet photos from Niagra Falls.... ;)

lori - And to mad people!!!

Bee said...

VE YOU ARE HILARIOUS!!

I think you've got a great business idea here! I abso-freakin-loutely loved the Sonny and Cher one!

VE said...

bee - Sonny and Cher...what not to like there. You can't get much more camp...

Alex L said...

You're not going far enough though, you could have a card for each disease, 'congratulations you beat lepresy...' or adversly 'sorry you lost your arm... but you always wanted to lose weight'. Two cards for every disease.

Meg said...

If you don't go into the card business at least make it a series on your blog. Too funny!

colbymarshall said...

MJ- hm, knowing you in real life, I'm pretty sure this, uh, mirrors real life...

VE said...

alex - Ha ha. I like the lose weight idea. Maybe we should combine death and income taxes since those are the only two certanties...

meg - A series, huh? I'll have to look into that...

colby - MJ is mormon?

Dee said...

my neighbor just went through a divorce like 3 days ago. I think I like the sonny and cher card.

I bought her a car air freshener that said. I ran into my ex.....then reversed and ran into him again.

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

I love the STD card. Too funny! I think they should make one that says, "I'm pregnant!" and on the inside it says, "And it isn't yours!"

yellojkt said...

Did the turd have to be so photo-realistic?

Sunshine said...

How about a card that just basically says "YOU SUCK!" It can be for any reason.

VE said...

dee - Ha ha. Good one. Somebody latched on to the idea...

arizona - Ha! Ouch. Nothing says I love you like that....

yellojkt - Actually, it's really a brownie. I make all my brownies like that...

sunshine - Oooh...I like it. We could puck a vacuum on the front. Might be the biggest seller!

Dale said...

I'd like a box of All Occasion but not the Occasions we usually think of as Occasions please. Excellent marketing VE.

Bonnie the Boss said...

Mormons are christians. If you are using the word Fundamentalist as it was first intended then L.D.S. (mormons) people would fall under that name. I bet you would be suprised how many do read your blog.
More likely it would be
99 service projects to do, 99 service projects....

VE said...

dale - Good idea. Next time that truck cuts you off, track down his address and send him a special card.

bonnie - Are you trying to say Mormons are people too? Am I the only one that find the LDS are very close acronym to LSD? Coincidence?

Kurt said...

This is the idea that you should have patented/trademarked.

VE said...

kurt - I know, I know. I'm actually looking into it in more depth...

HeyJoe said...

I actually took a crack at writing some adult themed greeting cards for some company. None of my attempts were selected and the only one I recall now was something about Ben & Jerry creating a new flavor in honor of your divorce: Ex-Nut Crunch.

Thank you - Good Night!

Bonnie the Boss said...

Yes, we all need copious amounts of the stuff, because of the 5 kids and all. But unfourtunatly we are asked to refrain. Dang it!

VE said...

heyjoe - They probably took all of your ideas anyway... The ex-nut crunch was a good one though!

bonnie - The key there is 'asked' not 'told'.... ;)

C said...

Oooooh! These are hilarious! You'll do great when Diesel has his next Inappropriate Card Day!

VE said...

c - Everything I do is inappropriate!