Thursday, August 21, 2008

More Short Bits

What do you call a car that isn’t new or used? Why do they have only these two classifications when selling or purchasing a car? This implies that all cars are sold in the year they come out. What happens if nobody ever buys a car on the lot and it sits there?

2003 – New
2004 – Still new but now last years model; they move it to the back of the lot
2005 – Embarrassed by the fact they haven’t sold it they pawn it off at a loss to private sales dealer
2006 – Still unused, people now begin to wonder what’s wrong with it
2007 – Still unsold and unused it’s finally put out on ebay but the buyer’s a 10 year old kid just playing around and it remains unsold
2008 – They deem it a classic, all-original with no miles on it, mark it up and it sells immediately.

Go figure…

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Having to go Number one or Number two. Who came up with this system? Am I the only one who laughs when I see a bunch of sport zealots cheering “we’re number one” because basically they are saying they are a bunch of piss? Boy, given that line of thought, no wonder nobody wants to be number two in anything!


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I always have this urge to remove the barcode and/or price on embarrassing items at a store so the checker will have to shout at somebody to get a price check.

“Hey Bobby…I need a price check on the stadium-size Maxi-Pads!”

“Can I get a price check on the economy pack of Trojans…”

This is when you would pay money to get a playback from the store security cameras…

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What if intelligent plants came down from another planet to visit us? They’d think we were blood thirsty barbarians. Corded wood from trees stacked up. Houses made out of the stuff. Wearing cotton would be akin to us wearing a human sweater. Imagine when they went through the produce aisle at the store…it’d look like some sort of medieval torture set up for prisoners.

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Do you think cavemen had classifications of status? Imagine two cave couples sitting in the cave and one of them looks down and whispers “they have imported dirt”. That would be an upper class caveman. He probably hired hunter/gathers to get food for him.

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You know how I’m going to make a bazillion dollars? I’m going to invent a dual screen monitor. What I mean by this is that a casual observer walking up behind you while you are working will see one image on the screen (that of actual work) and using a pair of special glasses you will see the actual screen (which is all your favorite blogs and You Tube videos). How can I not make money from this?

44 comments:

Kanrei said...

So many thoughts...my ADHD is so happy!


An unsold car is usually sold at a lower price to a rental company or to a government agency until "They deem it a classic, all-original with no miles on it, mark it up and it sells immediately."

Carlin talked about 1 and 2 and said "my dog took a 5, which is three 1's and a 2."

I buy random strangers tampoons actually because then strangers think I am getting laid.

I fear the plants coming here to smoke us.

Cavemen had classifications: Urk= alive. Boog= T Rex food.

You cannot make money off that by putting your idea on the internets for Bill Gates to find and steal. PS- Bill sends his thanks for the idea.

VE said...

Kan - Wow, I should hire you to do all of my commenting from now on! Carlin...I should have known he'd have a bit on 1 & @. Don't piss plant aliens off, eat beef (this message has been brought to you by the Beef Council of America). Oh, and I have so many ideas for the stealing that its almost amusing now watching them get developed. One just got created this year that I looked back in my idea journal and had written down that idea 5 years ago...

bitchlet said...

It would be so much fun if we could invent things without having to know much about science/technology.

VE said...

bitchlet - I know. I just want to get paid for coming up with ideas. I'm far too lazy and dumb to implement them or try and run a business with them...

Roy Scribner said...

Can't somebody PLEASE invent a computer that will do my work for me? Oh wait, what if it didn't do anything - that probably wouldn't reflect well on my job performance!

Kurt said...

I just removed my giant foam finger in shame.

iamnot said...

Intelligent plants landed decades ago. There are 535 of them in Washington DC on a regular basis.

Ok, the intelligent part is stretching it...but most are smarter than asparagus, so I guess that counts.

GC (God's Child) said...

Why should we pay money for your dual screens when we have "alt" + "tab" when someone is approaching?

Sornie said...

I like to think that cavemen, just like us, were classist and elitist. Maybe that's what ultimately led to their desire to move out of caves and into mud huts. One person lived inside a mud hut and everyone else rand to the nearest mud bog and gathered up enough to be just like the cave-Joneses.

EmmaK said...

I am an intelligent plant reading your blog and I cry in pain every time I pull a cork out of a bottle...it is like hearing a brother crying. Let's have more man made horrible materials like those disastrous looking Crocs that were invented by blind people

VE said...

roy - I did one better than that. I got a job that didn't require any work. All is well...

kurt - Sorry to ruin your party there, buddy...

iamnot - Wow. I never knew the capital was so green...

gc - Everyone catches you doing that silly alt-tab thingy. You can never be fast enough! Oh...and glad you clarified what the gc stood for. I can stop guessing now. I had:

George Carlin
General Custer
Get Carter
Gone Crazy
Gin's cheaper
Green cucumber
Gumby's cat

sornie - Those Joneses...they've been around a LONG time, haven't they?

VE said...

emmak - Wait until you see the Croc pants that are coming out this fall. Awesome!!!!

Jeff said...

On that dual screen thing, you'd have to get good headphones though because if your co-workers heard the moaning and chucka-chucka-wah-wah music coming from them you'd get busted for sure.

Jacki said...

With my back to the door right now, I would pay LOTS of money for a dual-screen monitor. LOTS.

VE said...

jeff - Of course...hence our patented dual voice. The managers hear a special 'structured methodology' powerpoint lecture on tape when in reality you are 'rocking like a hurricane'...

jacki - See...that's why I'd be rich!

Annie Ha said...

I want one of those dual screen monitors.

Evil Genius said...

OMG, I love the way your mind works. It almost sounds...like evil genious!!!!

LOL

cathouse teri said...

That is a super good idea! Go for it! You may become number one! Yay for pissy people!

Today, I meant to unlock my brain and instead unlocked the door. It didn't help my brain one bit.

leelee said...

gumby had a cat?

HUGS!

Maureen said...

Oh, my. If you make that Dual Screen, I want one.

Till then, I'll just keep my office door locked. ;)

VE said...

annie ha - We all do. That's what makes it so valuable!

evil genius - My mind doesn't actually 'work'...but it does spin a lot...

VE said...

teri - You have a lock for you brain? I just use a two turn system...it's not focused enough to round both corners to get loose.

leelee - He must have! He's a fun loving guy. He's already got a horse. He must have a cat. I think the cat is just shy...that's why you don't hear about him.

maureen - The locked door methodology eh? It makes you look important, like you're evaluating their worth in staying with the company or something. A good intimidation strategy for sure but you don't get invited to a lot of the fun social events using that...

Sarah said...

Your what if plants came down to visit us bit reminded me of something I experienced the other day.
Was at a local fair and there were barns full of sheep, poultry, etc. In the sheep barn the show animals were hanging out in cages (with open tops) and as I walked through I realized one of the cages contained an elderly man reading a newspaper. Must have been tending the sheep?
I turned to my husband and said, this is what it would be like if we weren't at the top of the food chain. Animals coming to the fair to see us in cages! :)

VE said...

sarah - Ha ha...yes, planet of the apes, indeed!

Michelle Ann said...

I am LOVING the monitor idea. Hurry, quick...get inventing!

VE said...

michelle ann - Don't worry...I'll ensure you have special advanced order capabilities. To you it will look like an order form but in reality its a check from your bank account made out to me for lots of money. See how these multi-use ideas can make money hand over foot?

cathouse teri said...

It's fist, babe. Hand over fist. ;)

cathouse teri said...

Don't try and tell me you did that to play on the multi-use idea, either. I won't believe you. Now go see your wife and get a spanking.

VE said...

Teri - Ha ha. I should just send everything through you first. Then people might know what I'm trying to say...not that I am trying to say anything, but I could be at some point. You know what I'm saying? Ok....I'll go get that spanking now...

Dee said...

if you make a bazillion dollars, could I have a cool million?

Beth said...

How do you manage to consistently come up with this kind of stuff??!!
Hey, patent that last idea - do make some money from that (crazy) funny mind of yours.

Serena Joy said...

The inside of your head is starting to scare me. It makes me laugh hysterically, practically causing #1 in my chair, but it's just a wee bit spooky that you're thinking about these things.:-)

VE said...

dee - Seems fair. What's a million among friends...

beth - I don't know. When I take those 'how creative are you' tests I'm off the charts. Guess its just what I do.

sj - It took you this long to get scared?

Quickroute said...

Trivia fact = In Ireland the reg of a car is indicative of the price so sales slump the two months before the reg date changes

VE said...

quickroute - Sounds like the stock market...

Alex L said...

Imported dirt... why cant people just be happy with local product.

There probably is a three though, it has to be 'puke' doesnt it.

sprinkle4 said...

Okay, I would SO buy a dual screen monitor just to keep my husband from seeing what I'm writing about him on my blog!

My kids bypass one and two...they go straight for 7 and 8 (no, you really don't wanna know)

carlae said...

Whilst you are working on the dual monitor thingy I am working on cutting and pasting a picture and putting it into a search box and seeing what sort of groovy results I get. it could work, don't you think Bill Gates or google would be all over me for that?

VE said...

alex - Yes, and there's probably a 2.5 for diharrea...

sprinkle4 - You're right...I don't want to know. Ha ha

carlae - I would think so. That'd be like some kind of FBI matching software...

colbymarshall said...

I definitely think cavemen had status classifications. Like, I think if one man's wife was wearing a moleskin coat, another woman was wearing a saber-tooth tiger coat...I mean, we pretty much know where they stand.

VE said...

colby - Well I know the one with the sabertooth coat isn't standing by the heater...

VE said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
HeyJoe said...

The duel screen monitor is definitely a winner.

And several years ago Joe Jackson had a song called Be My Number Two which begins with the line:

Wont you be my number two/
Me and number one are through...

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good song but really, how do you sing that and not laugh?

VE said...

heyjoe - I missed that song...it is funny though!