Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Time Travel

When I finally do get that time machine invented I’m not going to just use it for personal amusement and gain. There are many humane things I plan on doing.

I’m going tell the makers of these things to quit; stop; do something else. There is no future in them:

Then, I’m going back to just after Cuba Gooding Jr. starred in Jerry MacGuire and convince him to stop acting. Right then and there. Get a real job. Then I don’t have to watch him make Snow Patrol or Daddy Day Camp as his career slumps ever lower slowly year by year. I think its safe to do; I doubt that it’ll impact the present…

I’ll be sure to stop by in Hollywood and convince them to preserve their films from the beginning. That way we won’t have to lose half of the work W.C. Fields did on film.

I’m also going to get John Candy on a healthy diet and exercise program. I’ll probably start that around the Blues Brothers era. Speaking of which, I think I’ll get John Belushi into drug rehab.

Somehow I also want to avoid these fads from actually occurring:

But the great thing about building a time machine is you can take as long as you like. Who cares if you’re late on delivery…you can always go back in time and correct it!

37 comments:

lime said...

do you mind also taking care of the day-glo travesty of the 80s?

Mrs. R said...

And while you're at it, could you make Paris Hilton go away?

VE said...

lime - I'll see what I can do. It's scary going back to the 80s though...

mrs. r - That should be fine. It won't change anything in history...

MJ said...

And can we please just go back and kill Cher? I mean really.

The Incredible Woody said...

Will you set my alarm (Fall semester 1985) so I don't sleep thru my Astronomy final?

Kurt said...

Those crocs are huge again!

VE said...

mj - Well, Sonny took care of himself but Cher might be harder. I don't think she skis.

incredible woody - It was that single event that transpired to keep you from being the next Einstein, wasn't it? You know, I can probably get you the answers too...

Memarie Lane said...

Bottlecaps for home use??? What on earth would I use them for?

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

where have u been folk

u need to read my last two post for real 7 Houses of Czechoslovakia and No John Adams, No LBJ – easy mud slinging for Che...

VE said...

marie - Ha ha. I have no idea; hence the reason I should go back in time and save those people the distraction. But here's a little collector secret for you. Certain kinds of these old antique home use bottlecaps actually have vintage beer and soda brands underneath their paint. They bought out a bunch obscure brands to use for their home use caps and then just painted over them. With a little soft scrub and some time (like when watching TV or something) you can rub off all the paint and then sell these things for $5 to $50 each. You do the math on a box of 100 of these...

torrance - It has been awhile. I miss reading your stuff but my blog roll is so large I rarely get down that far on it and I read strictly top down based on my biggest commenters as I said I would. But I'll hop over and check these out!

Jacki said...

Too many things to list that I'd like to change!

VE said...

jacki - That's the trouble, one you get started it's hard to know when to stop. Sort of like remodeling projects in the home...

Kanrei said...

Not to be too serious or anything, but a time machine will never exist for the simple reason that no one has come back from the future. It stands to reason that, if it was going to be invented, that someone would travel back in time, but we have no record of that ever happening, so that means it will never happen.

Look at it like this, the minute you travel back in time, you have altered the time you travelled to because you were not there the first time, but you are now. The time will then move from that point forward and the future you left from will no longer exist so you could not have travelled back.

unfinishedrambling said...

I agree on Cuba Gooding Jr., but wonder if you could add Chris Farley to the list with John Belushi and John Candy? That would be awesome, if you could, dude. Thanks. On, and keeping on the SNL, Phil Hartman too.

VE said...

unfinishedrambling - Yeah, why not...Farley, Candy and Belushi can all go to the health spa together!

cathouse teri said...

Yeah, those crocs gotta go! When I see people wearing them, I ask, "So, you don't wanna get laid, do ya?"

Sarah said...

Please do handle the crocs situation. I cannot stand seeing another pair!

Jocasta said...

Did you see the New Zealand Olympic team were wearing croc's - the national shame!

Beth said...

I'm impressed with such noble aspirations as to changing the past. If I could go back in time, I'd buy Apple and Microsoft stock (not so noble).

Megan said...

I'm thinking it's in Heinlein somewhere - the "Committee for Aesthetic Deletions."

We want you on that committee. We need you on that committee.

Jeff said...

Man, you nailed one of my biggest pet peeves - those pants hanging down off the butt. I completely understand fads, trends, style, independence etc etc etc, but all I can say about that one is... WTF???!!!

ChristytheWriter said...

You're a better person than I am, VE. When I think about going back in time, all I'm planning is NOT drinking so much Korbel and then agreeing to get married. Epic mistake. Please hand me that epic eraser.

Serena Joy said...

At the same time you're taking care of the Crocs and Paris Hilton problems, could you see what you can do about eradicating Rosie O'Donnell, stretch pants, and blue eyeshadow? And Joan Rivers while you're at it.:)

Roy Scribner said...

I just drove 600 miles to Corvallis, can you be sure an give me 12 hours of my life back? Oh, who are we kidding? Just get me some of that Apple IPO stock - I'll pay you back.

Alex L said...

I like the John Candy Idea... and if you could just make the Belushi's swap addictions that would be great.

Matt-Man said...

How exactly does one "pre-test" a flash cube without using up the flash? I for one am stumped. Cheers!!

leelee said...

If we changed all that stuff...then what could we write about?

I ask you



HUGS!!

VE said...

teri - Of course, isn't it that way with all bad fashion? And yet somehow some of them are still getting laid...how does that happen?

sarah - Won't have to go back far in time for that one; unfortunately we're living that nightmare right now...

jocosta - This is why they are a small island and sheep outnumber humans there...

beth - It's ok, with great time travel gadgets comes great responsibity (stole that from Spider Man...well...I'm embellished)

megan - Ah yes, I remember that now. There was also that sci fi movie awhile back with Jean Claude Van Damme where he plays a Time Cop looking for people going back in time and making themselves rich.

jeff - Well we're in total agreement on that one; it's butt ugly and butt stupid!

christy - I think I can do some epic erasing while I'm back there.

sj - That's a tall order...I don't know if you can actually kill Joan Rivers...she doesn't seem to ever die

roy - I was thinking more about Warren Buffet's stock. You know it started at $100 and is now more than $10,000 per share?

alex - Doesn't everyone secretly wish that Belushi swap was reality?

matt-man - I'm afraid it's like politics; you have to have faith it'll work and when it doesn't it'll be disappointing as usual

leelee - Don't worry; there's always something stupid or irritating out there. The fool supply is a never ending stream...

VE said...

kan - How did I miss replying to that? Come on, people are coming back all the time. You really think a guy like Bill Gates could have pulled that off? Do you really think we'd have cell phones and big screen tvs without somebody going back in time to give us these ideas? I'm ok with going back to an altered reality...might be kind of exciting.

Kanrei said...

I was hurt...

Bill Gates is not from the future...he is from another planet.

VE said...

kan - Sorry, man. You know I wouldn't forget you and that was a great comment!

HeyJoe said...

Please add Chris Farley to the John Candy/Belushi Rescue Foundation. I miss him.

Quickroute said...

OMG! - I so totally wrote this post but you travelled forward in time and stole it!

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

I love crocs on little kids, so I don't mind that fad. On adults they look ridiculous, but kids? Too cute. And I don't mind the lookit my butt, saggy jeans fad either. If you watch Cops on TV you'll see that its much easier to catch criminals (oh, I mean, suspects) when their pants are hanging off their behinds. Kinda hard to run when your pants end up around your ankles!! lol!

Maureen said...

VE: Go back to 1997 and stop George from screwing around with the original Star Wars movies, and keep him from even THINKING about prequels and animated movies and TV shows.... pleeeeeeze.

VE said...

heyjoe - Yes, Chris should be added

quickroute - I wish you'd write some more I can steal too!

arizona - Yes, it's ridiculous how they walk! I did a post on how they'll end up with a new disease walking that way once...

maureen - Now that is good advice!

Bonnie the Boss said...

I really liked John Candy. I for one would be grateful if you would help him out.
The fad thing, I just had my 20 year reunion, could you go back and tell all of us how stupid our big hair was? It was almost painful to watch the senior movie.