Friday, August 15, 2008

VE Almighty

I’d like to be the character Bruce Nolan from the movie “Bruce Almighty”. If you haven’t seen it, he is granted all God’s powers for about a week. He also gets to sleep with Jennifer Aniston. That’s a bonus…

Basically, it only takes him a few days to screw everything up while he “rights a few wrongs in his life”. Imagine what I’d do with that power for a week! It’s not as bad as you think! I think…

First off, I’d have a treasure map made that I’d hide away. It would contain all untapped mineral deposits, all sunken ships full of gold, all buried treasures and monies out there for the taking. This is good to have because you never know when the God power is revoked.

But I couldn’t just do everything for me. I need to help mankind:

I’d redesign cherries, peaches and plums to be seedless. I mean come on God, it’s a damn nuisance to eat them with those things in there. Plus, an added irritant is that these things cost money by weight so you’re paying for 40% throw-away material. We’ve got seedless grapes. We’ve even got seedless watermelon. Surely we can come up with pitless versions of these!

I’d start a company making those Star Trek transporters just to put the airline industry out of business. Oh, and the trucking industry too. I’d make sure I got a lifetime ‘fast pass’ ticket to be able to go directly to the front of the line for any transport. I believe I could live anywhere at this point and not have to worry about getting to anywhere else.

And here’s where the mayhem would begin: I’d remove all debt in the word. No kidding, all of it. Personal, business, political. This would either

a. End the world as we know it and God would take back my powers
b. Have nothing really change; we’d all just repeat our errors and have more ‘stuff’

Oh, and I’d definitely make it casual dress across the entire working world…

See, nothing too radical and wacky…

45 comments:

EmmaK said...

1. I'd stop women having period pains and PMT ...what is the point??

2. I'd develop a pill so that you could eat what you wanted without getting fat. I am pretty sure I would be happy if I could eat french fries every day and a chocolate sundae.

Matt-Man said...

I have long been an advocate for Federal dollars to be invested in developing a Star Trek-Type Transporter.

The only down side is that it would be much easier for people that I don't really like, to come and visit. Cheers, Mighty One!!

VE said...

emmak - I can't speak from experience about number one there but that pill sounds like a great idea. That should take care of you financially too...

VE said...

matt-man - Ok, before I invent it, I'll create a special device in which you can designate those people you don't like to be forwarded to the destination of your choice. Sort of like like call waiting...only funner.

VE said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Serena Joy said...

It'll be a brave new world. If you're taking requests, I'd appreciate it if you could do something about annoying people. Maybe you could, like, give 'em their own planet and get 'em off ours?:)

Michelle Ann said...

I just want to live in a world that is free of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. But, let's keep Courtney Love...her wrongness is EPIC.

VE said...

sj - I could move them to North Dakota...that's like another planet...and nobody would care.

michelle ann - We'll put you in charge of celbratramp disposal. I know, it's a dirty job but you can be creative about it...

cathouse teri said...

They already invented the Star Trek Transporter. No human will volunteer to be the first to try it out.

Bee said...

VE, I like the pits. Do you know how many things I learned from sucking on those things??

Also, let's not forget my favorite Pitt-- ;op

Jacki said...

How about a government that actually works for the people and politicians that do not enter politics for their own personal gain? Is that too much to ask?

And how about getting rid of stupid celebrities? I'd take their millions and redistribute it to the poor and needy.

VE said...

Teri - They did? I didn't hear about this. Are you sure it wasn't like cold fusion where they claimed they did but actually didn't?

bee - Ha ha. Too much information. Warning...

VE said...

jacki - Well, I'd agree with you on the personal gain politic thingy. I'd also be interested in just how you would determine who is poor and needy? That's a tall order to place judgement on who is worthy and who is not. One of the major complaints from those well off is that there is a large society of people that choose not to work; they're just plain lazy but because of their choices, they are both poor and needy. Should they be getting money when they can still be a part of productive society? Do you reward their behavior? Seriously, I'm just messin' with ya...I certainly don't have answers.

Roy Scribner said...

God powers? This doesn't mean that I have to act all responsible and stuff, does it?

Megan said...

I could worship this kind of god...

angie said...

"I’d redesign cherries, peaches and plums to be seedless". This is the best idea I've heard all day.

VE said...

roy - Of course not, I never do...

megan - No need to worship; just enjoy

angie - And it'll save you money too! Who wants to pay for the weight of a seed you just have to throw away anyway

leelee said...

If there were a GOD election, I'd vote for you VE..heck I'd even stump for ya!

HUGS!!

Kurt said...

VE - Are you going to keep mentioning that ONE time I said your post wasn't funny, when it was so obviously not supposed to be funny, and I was just joshing you?

VE said...

leelee - Thanks. It's just too much responsibility and work though. I'll take the royalty payments though. Perhaps I can just be God's trustfund baby...

kurt - I was hoping to milk that one to death. I need a funny guage you know. But I guess I'll stop using it because now...it's not funny.

Megan said...

Okay, no worshipping. But can I have merchandising rights? I'll give you a nice percentage...

Uncivil said...

I'm still waiting for the "Paris Hilton does Jeopary" post?

Dee said...

eating a peach whole with no pit would be tooo weird, you see seedless grapes and watermelons are a good thing those little seeds in those fruits are annoying because they inhibit me from eating like a pig!
But hey feel free to erase my debt anytime!

VE said...

megan - Sure, merchandizing rights sound fair enough.

uncivil - I'm pondering it. Sometimes I go to the same well but not often. That was just meant to be a teaser ending but it's definitely a doable post...

dee - Yeah, you and everyone else on the debt thing, huh?

colbymarshall said...

I'm glad for the seedless-ness. Way to make the world a better place.

VE said...

colby - It's the simple things that matter...

Jess Riley said...

Pitless fruits!!! Yes!

I'm way too dark and cynical to even offer my god-for-a-day ideas in a public forum, but let's just say some certain neighbors of mine would...'disappear'...to begin with.

Actually, yes. I am going to offer a suggestion. If I were god-for-a-day, everyone would have to work in three jobs for at least three months as part of a national plan: food service, education, and phone sex operator.

Annie Ha said...

I wouldn't mind a world where everyone ate with their mouth closed.

Alex L said...

I'd do one thing... End food coming in Aerosol form, its just wrong.

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

I'd redesign suburbs so that people could actually WALK to places instead of have to get in their cars all the damn time.

I love the transport idea. The worst thing about Europe is the flight there and back.

VE said...

jess riley - Ha! Phone sex operator. I'm very opposed to work in general, but I suppose I could give that a try for a day...

annie ha - But isn't it hard to eat if you can't get the food in there in the first place?

alex - Yeah, I don't see a lot of aerosol producing plants around

arizona - The second worse thing about Europe is all the smoking. But I do like the transportation and the large open areas in the cities.

Carla said...

40% throw away material??? Wow, that's a lot. Never quite thought of that.

Annie Ha said...

you crack me up, man

VE said...

carla - The only time I do is at the grocery checkout...

annie ha - Good. My mission is accomplished...

cathouse teri said...

VE: You haven't heard about it because it's a secret! Silly!

VE said...

Teri - I'm always the last one to know things it seems...

cathouse teri said...

VE: Don't feel bad. The truth is that it's only me and three other guys who know about it. ;)

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I would eradicate all tank tops/booty shorts/halters/strapless dresses/mini skirts/ bare midriff tops from being sold in any size with an X following it. This should also save the vision of many of my fine fellow human beings.

Practically Joe said...

Game Shows ... Camping ... Creative Memes ... Advertising ... Raising Kids ... Cavemen ... CRAP and CRUD ... WOW!
My intention last night was to catch up on commenting on my favorites and I ended up here spending the night. Check out your stats ... I kid you not. I fell asleep hand on mouse and now I sit here with coffee in hand.

You are indeed "FANTASTICAL"!
I would give you the Gold Medal for Blogging ... hmmm ... did I just create a new award? Probably not ... I bet there's already a Gold Medal for Blogging Award making its rounds. If I can find it ... IT IS YOURS VE!!!

VE said...

teri - That's a pretty small list!

elastic - And we all thank you for that contribution; indeed an important improvement

joe - Thanks for the kind words. They mean a lot today because I felt a little snubbed last week. There's a new humor blog list that just came out with a cap of 50 funny blogs. I guess I didn't make the list. I recognize a lot of the ones on it though and I comment fairly regular to the blogger that created it. I'm not sure how they were determined or not. Oh well...I don't like pimping the blog but it would be nice to direct people to it if it were simply a list of humor blogs. I know I used to go searching to see if I'm missing some really funny blog out there. But these days, I've got a great blog roll and enjoy reading as many as I can squeeze in so it really doesn't matter...ultimately it comes down to whether I like what I'm writing here and whether those of you that read it like it.

Maureen said...

So Almighty VE, change the humor list cap number so we can BOTH get on okay?

I think 600 should do it for moi...

cathouse teri said...

Did you see "Charlie Wilson's War?"

MJ said...

So is Chuck-E-Cheese coming after me for all those times I pulled his tail and punched him in the gut during childhood?

VE said...

maureen - I'll make it so everyone is number one! We'll just fill the screen with everyones banner. It'll look ugly but you'll be on there!

teri - No, I missed that one. Pertinent?

mj - Don't worry. They'll be a special law that allows Chuck E. Cheese abuse...

padraig said...

> we’d all just repeat our errors
> and have more ‘stuff’

The probability is high.