Monday, August 18, 2008

When Animals Take to Litigation

It’s gonna happen. Sooner or later animals are going to break the through via evolution and start litigating our asses. Here’s a preview of our future:

Case No 10254: Little Johnny vs. Mr. Mole at the Whack-a-mole arcade station

Prosecuting Attorney: Your honor, I’d like to call my first witness.

Judge: Proceed

Attorney: I’d like to call Mr. Mole

A pathetic looking mole with a neck brace, head bandages and really dark sunglasses appears. The prosecuting attorney escorts the witness to the witness stand.

Defense Attorney: I object your honor. Council is leading the witness.

Prosecuting Attorney: Your honor, it is a proven fact that moles are as blind as…well…moles!

Defense Attorney: Objection, the term is blind as a bat.

Judge: Objections overruled.

The witness takes a seat on the witness stand.

Court Official: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?

Mr. Mole: I mean sure but what does it matter, animals don’t go to heaven because they have no soul according to THAT book…

Court Official: Your honor, he has a point…

Judge: Never mind that, move on

Prosecuting Attorney: Describe what took place the day of the event

Mr. Mole: Well, this arcade owner had sold us this great starter pre-fab home. It already came with like nine holes! No need to dig. It was wonderful. Wonderful until…

Prosecuting Attorney: Until what?

Mr. Mole: Until I tried to exit through the hole and got whacked on the head. It about knocked me out!

Prosecuting Attorney: Did you see your attacker?

Mr. Mole: I sure did. He’s right over there.

Prosecuting Attorney: Let the records show the witness has identified the defendant, little Johnny. Mr. Mole, what did he hit you with?

Mr. Mole: It was a large plastic thing with a cord attached to it. It’s over there on that table.

Prosecuting Attorney: Let the records further show the witness has identified the large plastic mallet removed from the arcade and containing little Johnny’s prints.

Mr. Mole: It was terrible. No matter which hole I tried to escape out of there he was whacking me with that mallet. He was even laughing like he was enjoying it.

(and the court proceedings continue on…see the Animal Planet Court TV channel for the full transcript)

Up next….a murder/beheading trial in the case of The Elk family vs Jim Bob Hunter and his den wall.

28 comments:

Sornie said...

I want to know how a mole would find an attorney? E-mail, phone? Come on, moles don't have thumbs.

VE said...

sornie - Attorneys are so money grubbing they actually go out and find the moles...

Kurt said...

It so happens that I was case #10254, so I'm pretty sure you made this up.

VE said...

kurt - How could I make up such an amazingly detailed and accurate account of these tragedies? I'll bet that those dumb government beauracrats goofed up and assigned both of us those court cases. Either that or you own an arcade and like to whack on moles...

Practically Joe said...

As an animal lover I would like to strongly direct your commenters to games more like Frogger where the object is keeping the critters from harm. (SPLAT!) Sorry, need more practice.

Lori said...

If that's the game they want, I'm in. I'm going to sue their asses off for all the little trails running through my front yard!!

Evil Genius said...

"Yes, your Honor, I did it. I whacked that little bastard right on his furry little head. And I'd do it again!!!"

VE said...

joe - Ah, it's the old 'kill a few to save a lot' mentality with Frogger, huh?

lori - They're gonna come back at you with squatter rights going back to 27000 BC when their ancestors settled in the area and they staked their land owner claim.

evil genius - Ha ha. Clearly you have violent tendencies and should avoid all arcade situations...

lime said...

well, we could change it to whack-a-lawyer...

justacoolcat said...

Then I guess it's only a matter of time before one of my dog's gets sued, she loves to hunt moles.

Luckily, the FIL runs a law firm and we hide the bodies well.

VE said...

lime - I think that is not only acceptible, but encouraged... Great idea!

justacoolcat - Under the new animal rights documents, dogs are exempt from mole litigation. You can save your hiding spots...

Megan said...

"Counsel is leading the witness" - Bwahahaha!

Beth said...

If it's trial by jury (that peer thing) I'd hate to smell the courtroom after a few days.

Beth said...

Correction - the jury of peers would be human. Still, I'm sure the moles' friends and family would fill the courtroom. It would still stink.

Dee said...

what's the statute of limitations on Mole Whacking? I'm just curious of course...it's not like I would be in any trouble or anything.

Serena Joy said...

Okay, I see the mole's point. Still, if he tries to sue me out of my enjoyment of whack-a-mole, I'll have to countersue his little mole butt. Let's see how he likes that.:)

Maureen said...

Poor moles. I hope they win. Anyone who gets pleasure (and tokens) for whacking an animal on the head, NEEDS a whack on the head themselves.

leelee said...

I believe the The Pan-American version is called GUACA-MOLE

HUGS!!

cathouse teri said...

I think I'll go shoot my cat.

Diesel said...

One of these days I should post my real life video of me whacking a gopher. I think I'd lose some readers.

Quickroute said...

I should never have burnt those flies with a magnifying glass - they'll sue me for everything!

Alex L said...

Great next the aliens will be in on it to.

Matt-Man said...

Friends don't let friends engage in Mole-a-Cide. Cheers!!

Alan Smithee said...

A Boy and His Dog (1975) was notable for giving viewers the animal's perspective.

Mrs. R said...

If that ever happens, I'm screwed, I love that game.

VE said...

megan - That was a last minute add...I just couldn't resist

beth - Basically you're saying courtrooms stink, aren't you?

dee - I think you'll be ok. Their brains are still pretty small so they can't have a lot of back memory...

sj - Ha! That would be more entertaining than Alien vs. Preditor

maureen - Ok then, we'll build a new version based on dunk tank principles in that we get actual people you don't like and put them in a special booth where they try and put their head up through a hole. You can whack them instead!

leelee - Bwahahaha. That's a great one! Very funny.

teri - You realize cats will always win in court. They're quite the litigators...it's all about them!

diesel - That would be fun. That must have been before you hired the fence pole labor...you could have had them do it at the same time...

quickroute - The key with flies is to get an appeal. They can't live long enough to see it through...

alex - Nope...illegal aliens don't have any rights here ;)

matt-man - Hah! You're right on top of your game today!

alan smithee - Hmmm...never saw it but if that is indeed true, how come the dog didn't get top billing in the title?

mrs. r - Better enjoy it now while it's still the Wild West out there...

colbymarshall said...

well, we did enslave them, as I explained on my blog the other day. (Side note: My, uh, "slave" is currently sleeping on the hearth downstairs.) I wonder if they will be coming for restitution soon...

VE said...

colby - Their plotting even as I write this. Just make sure they don't learn to spell. Lawyers demand things be spelled correctly. This could delay them for generations...