Wednesday, September 10, 2008

IKEA


IKEA. It took me only seconds to realize this stood for “It Keeps Everyone Aggravated”

Perhaps the wife and I were the last human beings to not have been to one and well…we felt left out. What were we missing? With this move and all we have so much crap-that-we-do-not-need-but-will-buy-anyway to get. Surely IKEA will save the day!!!

It was only a couple of years ago that IKEA didn’t exist in the Portland metro area. We were alone, in the dark, and helpless. Then suddenly a large box appeared at a large open plot of land.

The people looked at the box…

“What is it??”
“It’s a box”
“Of what?”
“It’s an IKEA store”
“In a box?”
“Yeah…it says assembly required”

For everyone knows that IKEA simply provides a mass stamp of whatever product that you will invariably kill each other over trying to decipher the assembly instructions.

So we drive on over to the store. It’s on the far side of town so it’s a trip! This better be good! First of all, the parking lot alone can be seen from space with the naked eye. I’m sure with a little better vision and some eye clothing you could also see the IKEA sign which apparently violated some law here as to its size and they conveniently gave them a get-out-of-the-law-free card anyway.

Now IKEA stores are as elaborately designed as a modern casino for ingenious ways to entrap their customers. VE investigators have obtained this photo of the originally submitted floor plans for the store:

Of course, this was even too confusing for the government. Those civil servants over in land use couldn’t seem to solve the maze so they denied it and went home pouting . They ended up with this floor plan instead:

Inside the store are a lot of items. A bewildering assortment of items. And the strangeness of it all is while we had a long list of crap-we-didn’t-need we could only find crap-we-would-never-buy instead.

All would have been dismal had there not been their innovative shopping carts:

These babies were really just large bags that you could either cart or carry. But who in their right mind would carry them when you had these carts that had individual rotation on all four wheels! Suddenly IKEA was awesome. I kept spinning the cart around and mock sliding it around their endless corners. Clearly this building design was done by a former Grand Prix driver.

And it’s a good thing the cart racing was interesting because all we got was a toilet brush for our efforts there. But secretly, I wanted to get this:

It would have been a much simpler home building process…

38 comments:

MJ said...

I've never been to one. I'm kind of glad though. I've been told walking in one can cause head-implosion.

Megan said...

I absolutely love the juxtaposition - the floor map and the Pole Position map! Genius!!!

VE said...

mj - And I thought we were the only ones. Just go there for the cart racing...

megan - Yeah...and I have the fastest time on the second floor and NOBODY is gonna beat it!!

lime said...

*stands

my name is lime and i have never been to an IKEA. i have, however helped two different people assemble IKEA purchases.

*sits

Jeffrey Ellis said...

A brilliant post. It's not too often any more that someone has a fresh new take on the whole I-hate-IKEA thing - nicely done!

VE said...

lime - It's like that Invasion of the Body Snatchers movie where slowly one by one everyone is taken over...this time by IKEA. Keep on the run...

jeffery - Thanks. Wait...are you suggesting others have done this before me? What? I hate when people steal my ideas before I think of them...

Maureen said...

OMG... I was going to post about how un-impressed I was with my first trip to IKEA two weeks ago... after following all those damn arrows, I was ready to self-check myself out the door!!!

VE said...

maureen - Too funny. See...you should have grabbed a cart and took a crack at the single lap high score time split. It would have been a much more enjoyable experience then!

Dee said...

note to self. Just buy things at Ikea that you don't have to put together like said toilet brush.

Bring bread crumbs to find your way out.

VE said...

dee - I think the bread crumbs are a good idea in principle but the reality is that all the screaming out of control kids there would invariably eat them right off the floor leaving you lost once again...

Sully Sullivan said...

Well, I've put together an IKEA bed and an IKEA desk and yes you are right. Extremely annoying.

Kanrei said...

I guess I am now the last person to have never been to one or even to have seen one.

padraig said...

You would *not* want to assemble your entire apartment from the contents of an Ikea box.

It seems like it would be less work, but this would be the stuff of madness. H.P. Lovecraft would write about it, if he was still alive.

leelee said...

* STANDS *

my name is leelee, and I too have never been in an Ikea..I have however seen one (right next to Newark Airport) and they opened one near me here...but I haven't been theRE....yet...

*SITS *

HUGS!

ps: got a real kick out of the box of apartment!

Quickroute said...

I prefer to throw the assembly instructions away as they never make sense anyway. I like puzzles and IKEA never disappoints

VE said...

sully - Well then you qualify for that car assembly! But you drive it first...

kan - Stay clear. We need somebody to tell the others before they're infected...

padraig - You're probably right on that. But I was just thinking of living in the box with nothing else but the box...

leelee - You all are cracking me up with the *stands* and *sits* routine. Hillarious

quickroute - Aha. The ultimate jigsaw puzzle! You'll be receiving several shipments from my other readers...

Jeff said...

If you didn't buy anything that requires assembly, then you missed out on the best part... their instructions contain NO WORDS! Only crudely drawn pictures by a Swedish kindergarten student that make no sense whatsoever. I'm not making that up.

Ok, the kindergarten thing yes, but not the pictures thing.

Kurt said...

But the shower curtains are $1.99!

VE said...

jeff - I tried to read your comment but since it wasn't in Visual Swedergarten I don't know what it says...

kurt - And boy do I have some crap that I'll sell you for $1.99 too!!! Let me just build a maze for you to shop in and then break down all the items to their smallest piece level and we'll be set...

Serena Joy said...

I've never had IKEA. I can't put stuff together, even when the instructions are in English. Neither can what's been passing for my husband. Therefore, if it's not a fully assembled piece of whatever, I don't buy it. Keeps things simple.:)

P.S. The next husband had better come fully assembled, too.

VE said...

sj - With the emphasis on the 'fully' I'm sure...

Serena Joy said...

With the emphasis on the 'fully' I'm sure...

Yes! The next model must furnish proof of functional brain cells.

Beth said...

You haven't had a true IKEA experience until you've tried to assemble one of those suckers they sell.
(Great pictures - had one of my kids cracking up.)

Jacki said...

Did you notice that everything had a design name? It's interesting because IKEA comes from Sweden, a country that is in an eternal rivalry with Denmark. So I was reading recently that IKEA in Sweden came up with a new line of rugs and named each design after a city in Denmark.

The Danes were not happy.

And I stay away from IKEA. I'd spend too much money on stuff I don't need.

yellojkt said...

But the Swedish meatballs in the cafeteria are delicious. Eat there first since you don't know how many days it will take you to find the exit.

G-Man said...

VE...I thought of you today brother. Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations on The Travel Channel was at The Voodoo Donut Shop.
He fell in love with the Maple Bacon Donut..
Me Too!..hehehe...G

Diesel said...

I love the racetrack.

Alex L said...

I've never been in one either, I can sse the appeal of cheap furniture but making it yourself... nah, to much effort.

VE said...

sj - Ha ha. Well...guys would just forge that kind of documentation. Probably in crayon.

beth - I've done some pretty close. Dania has similar type assembly and I have two really large items I've done from there

jacki - Can't those countries get along after all this time! ;)

yellowjkt - Wow...I hadn't considered the cafeteria. It scared me. What if it is like a school cafeteria...yikes!

VE said...

g-man - Ha ha. Yes, that donut shop has been getting a lot of media attention! Portland has some weird shops; that's for sure! That one though is pretty good...

diesel - And thank goodness for that concept...otherwise IKEA would have been a nightmare

alex - Cheap...you always get what you pay for

Yes, my name is Arizona said...

Here's one that amazed me. The first time I flew into Athens, Greece, I was staring out the plane window very excited to be there for the first time. But as we approached the runway I suddenly felt like puking. There, blocking my scenic airplane window view of Athens, was a HUGE IKEA STORE. Yes, the first thing I saw when I flew into Greece was IKEA. Ack! I wanted to fly back home immediately. And FYI, they sell the same shit there that they sell here.

VE said...

Ugh...what a bummer when you see the chains we always see if some destination you don't want to see them in. I remember seeing Dairy Queen in the Philippines. Dairy Queen!! Now that's ugly western proliferation! I did have a soft serve ice cream though...

RED MOJO said...

I think IKEA is perfect for people just starting out, it's like really good pretend furniture you can use until you can afford real furniture.
I was the IKEA assembler for all my friends. I'm an evil genius though.

VE said...

red mojo - Pretend furniture...I like that definition!

Bonnie the Boss said...

Thanks to you I am probably the last IKEA virgin on the planet. I also plan to stay that way. I know I am so unamerican.

VE said...

bonnie - Good for you...don't let them fool you into going!

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