Monday, September 08, 2008

No Contest

I don’t understand the judicial process. I always thought you pleaded “Guilty” or “Not Guilty” and that comprised the sum of what you could be. But they also have this other one: “No Contest”.

What the hell is “No Contest”? Is that like “Maybe”? Is that like “I’m not going to play your game and now I’m gonna take my ball and go home”? Anytime you have more than two choices in anything your in for a Rock-Paper-Scissors never ending cycle. I mean when was the last time your girlfriend/boyfriend hung out with you and the spouse for a rousing game of Scrabble? It doesn’t work.

Besides, why do they call it a “contest”? I don’t recall auditions or sign up for the “Let’s See if We Can Prosecute You For Murder” game at all. Sounds like a fairly high stakes game show to me.

Judge: How does your client plead?

Lawyer: My client pleads “No Contest”

Judge “Ok, we won’t have a contest at all. Guilty. Fry him…”

See how easy that is. Instead of a judicial contest, it gets turned into a simple childhood dictatorship power move. A favorite of school bullies everywhere.

Instead, let’s go ahead and have the contest:

On our defense side, returning from a long career of an ever increasing run of violent behavior is our raining champion “Bugs ‘The Viper’ Mulligan”

On our prosecution side is our newcomer, Wiley Lawyer. He’s short, pissed off, and has aspirations for political office. He’ll gladly make up evidence for this case.

Now there is a game show drama!

22 comments:

padraig said...

I like the idea of having a game show announcer open every court trial. It would help keep things in perspective.

Oh, and I can't vote in your latest poll. All of those things fill me with enough rage to make me wish I could turn into the Hulk, pick up the offending car, and throw it far, far away.

Quickroute said...

"No contest" - sounds like a party pooper to me

Roy Scribner said...

Roy's standard abridged version reads:

Though originally conceived as a way to keep politicians from clogging the court system, the "No Contest" plea is now widely used by other common criminals, as well.

VE said...

padraig - I know, I know. They all enrage me too. I sometimes I wish I had some huge car that just drove over them like a tank...

quickroute - Yeah...clearly that can't play by the rules!

roy - I like it! Is your standard abridged version available at retail?

Maureen said...

Wiley Lawyer or

Wile E. Lawyer?

Because watching a lawyer fall off a cliff is just too good to be true and highly entertaining.

Beth said...

I actually Googled "No contest" after reading your post.
Interesting plea - one I would not take.

MJ said...

Man, don't I wish it were that easy.

Although, I usually wish criminals would just lock themselves in jail - it would save billions in taxpayer dollars....

Kurt said...

Ohy, is this blog still active? I had no idea.

VE said...

maureen - That WOULD be fun. But he always lived to do it again. That wouldn't...

beth - You and me both. I like a good contest.

mj - Or perhaps just not have criminal behaviour at all. We could all be like Star Trek; continually striving to improve ourselves with little or no crime at all...yeah, right...

Jeff said...

A contest would be a good idea... the court system is too stuffy the way it is now. Wouldn't it be cool if they had 20 hot babes with briefcases and you could choose your own sentence?

VE said...

jeff - Now you're thinking! I have a few sentences I can think of if presented 20 hot babes. I think the wife would overrule though!

Serena Joy said...

I like the idea of an emcee with a booming, theatrical voice to moderate trials. We know what the "no contest" dude wins if he loses, but what if Bugs "The Viper" Mulligan wins and gets "no contest" dude off? What's his prize?

colbymarshall said...

perhaps courtrooms should just have a giant wheel offortune-esque wheel and whatever it lands on is the punishment the defendant gets.

Megan said...

I too had a hard time with the poll...

Chris Wood said...

I have to say that handgun bag is fantastic.

bitchlet said...

No contest makes no sense.

Bee said...

Just like you, VE to tackle the hard questions!

I would like to be in the show, maybe as "Bee THE STINGER Defense Attorney Slayer!" My name will be in bright lights...

VE said...

kurt - Yeah, yeah...I did update the blog roll and let me tell you; that takes hours!

sj - Good question. I'll add that to my interactive post for Tue

colby - Sort of like Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. They had a wheel and Max got some weird thing where they put a donkey head on him and then sent him tied to an actual donkey out into the desert.

megan - I know, I know. You wanted to pick them all. You wanted to make them suffer. You wanted to yell and scream. I know

chris - I bring it to the park at night; nobody bothers me

bitchlet - That's it...they should all just plead 'no sense'

bee - I like it. We'll get you the blinking neon lights all synchronized around a stinger!

leelee said...

I'm so excited I made it to the number 3 spot in your blog roll. Now THAT'S a contest I want to win!!

VE said...

leelee - Yes...I saw you creeping up. Of course you know that you'll never catch Kurt and SJ; they never miss a post anymore. I'll be resetting the numbers when the year is over though.

leelee said...

a girl can dream can't she?

VE said...

leelee - Absolutely! Just don't want to read a line saying "two bloggers were found suspiciously dead in their homes... Not good ;)