Thursday, October 23, 2008

Chris from Angry Seafood Collects His Winnings

You know, when Chris, humor blogger over at Angry Seafood won the “Who is VE” contest I thought perhaps he’d make me change my blog color to pink and put ponies and rainbows all over it. But man, he put me to actual work cleaning out his garage. This is quite cruel considering how you all know how adverse to actual work I am.

So I arrived at Chris’s house. I really couldn’t afford the gas to get there so I opted to go by ant trail. The ants carried me over there for very little money. Sure, it’s a bit slower but I got to see America at the pace of the average worker.

The garage was closed. I thought to myself, whew, it’s a single. Thank God he doesn’t have a triple garage. But then he opened up the garage.



Yikes, this was going to be work. I sent him off to the sponge bath spa for a nice four hour session so that I could secretly hire illegal immigrants to do the actual work. I supervised by making key decisions and drawing important looking graphs on a white board I found.

The first thing discovered that needed my immediate attention was what to do with stuff. Chris needed to thin out a bit. I made an executive decision to have a dumpster delivered and just have everything trashed. One of the first to go was this disturbing collection of mannequins…

I hired a back hoe using Chris’s credit card he mistakenly left on the kitchen countertop when I was hiding open cartons of milk behind his microwave as a joke for later on. This would speed up the process.

The discouraging thing about his garage is that it kept going back. What I thought was a wall of secret file boxes at the back was actually just a stack and removing it revealed that the garage went back about a mile. Apparently he had been secretly digging into the back of the hillside with a spork for 8 years in order to increase his garage size to accommodate all his junk.

I also found out that he has some obsession with having more cars than Jay Leno. I don’t know all of the story behind this little competition but since Chris doesn’t make a lot of money blogging, he’s had to be less critical in his choices of vehicles. Most were abandoned within a three county area and brought into the garage. It was time to end this sick twisted collecting addiction cold turkey!

I kept filling and filling the dumpster. I did find a couple of interesting items along the way. I felt like his bong collection should be preserved. I sent that over to the Cheech and Chong Museum in Southern LA. He’ll get a tax write off. There was also this:

I was making real progress when I shoe-horned this thing out. I didn’t really know what to do with it so the fact that Chris lived on a steep long hill, I just let it go down the hill. It’ll work itself out…

But then after all of that, I really got upset. I had to call PETA. Apparently Chris had been breeding devil pigs on the side. Everyone knows that’s against the law! Sheesh, Chris!
More useless stuff after that. The only interesting thing came way in the back in the corner. It was Burt Reynolds! Apparently he’d been there since 1981. No wonder we didn’t see a lot of him on film after the 70s…

And that was it. The garage was clean. Ok, I thinned it out a tad more than he would have liked. But at least now he could park his car…

When he pulled up with his car, I could see now why it hadn’t fit in before.


So I went back home via the ant trail line. Don’t tell Chris about the milk cartons or the credit card bills. I want him to enjoy my stay for many days. Oh, and about the whole “how did you do this when he just won yesterday” well…that time travel machine I found does come in handy from time to time you know.

34 comments:

VE said...

Hey...Chris said "don't hold back". He ASKED for it!

Chris Wood said...

Cleaning is the work of Beelzebub.

Cleaning garages is the type of thing apocalypses are made of, only far more worrying.

VE said...

chris - You are so right. I think cleaning is where black holes come from...

ReformingGeek said...

That's a great story. I love the recycling of the cars for erosion control. It reminds me of my own erosion issues.....thanks for that. And that sculpture, wow! Somebody had fun doing that one.

What is that thing with all the horns?

And, isn't the Brit Guy Fawkes Day coming up soon? That would have been a great start for the fire!

VE said...

reforminggeek - That car is actually in Portland, OR. I've seen it driving around...it's a bit scary. I have no flippin' idea what that horny thing is. And yes, Guy Fawkes Day is coming. I'm going to have to watch V for Vendetta again now...

Jenn Thorson said...

I think I now must scrub my mind of Devil Pigs...

Off to find some abrasive cleanser....! :)

Evil Genius said...

Was Burt Reynolds donating some of his demon seed to help spawn those devil pigs? Wow, we're really lucky you uncovered this unholy conspiracy and brought it to an end!

And Chris? Shame on you. From now on, use your sporks only for the purpose they were intended!

Roy Scribner said...

Of course that car's from Portland. That's how all the cars look by July, when the sun finally comes out.

VE said...

jenn - So sorry...devil pigs are the REASON there are vegetarians...

evil genius - I felt it my duty to put an end to the horror (plus I got to keep the pigs feet in a jar called "Pigs Feet"...cool)

roy - True...so true. But hey, it was 70 and sunny yesterday and supposed to be that way this weekend. Global warming, man!!! ha ha

Memarie Lane said...

that is the freakiest sculpture i have ever seen.

lime said...

i don't know which image disturbed me more....the devil pigs, or burt reynolds.

VE said...

memarie - Try having it pull up beside you at a light. It's happened to me!

lime - Ha ha. They're both equally scary!

Kurt said...

I must ask you to refrain from referring to Chris as the winner until our case has been settled.

Quickroute said...

I'm going to have nightmares about devil pigs

VE said...

kurt - Ha! Your case has settled so far that we're going to need to beef up the foundation!

quickroute - Fear not, their skin is quite soft and they thwart would be thieves from the neighborhood...

Megan said...

I like the idea of the endless garage, a la the Raiders of the Lost Ark warehouse. So much useless stuff that I could have saved!

Quickroute said...

This is MY garage - but go ahead and clean it pls

VE said...

megan - Sort of like bottomless soft drinks at the restaurant...

quickroute - Do I look like a garage cleaning expert now? ha ha

Roy Scribner said...

How long did it take you to clean it, a HALF DAY???

padraig said...

I'd kill for an empty garage of any size.

SRSLY.

padraig said...

... and (for the elderly among us)... those aren't devil pigs. They obviously are...

(thundarr)
Demon Dogs!
(/thundarr)

VE said...

roy - It took a long time but I used the time machine so it netted out to be a few hours

padraig - I say devil pigs, you say demon dogs, devils pigs, demon dogs, let's call the whole thing off...

Serena said...

Sheesh, I wish I'd won. I have stuff that needs cleaning out and you clearly do a thorough job. I want one of those devil pigs!:)

Chirs C said...

Hmm I just realized I don't have a garage.

Great post. :)

VE said...

serena - Devil pigs are in high demand these days...

chris - Jeez...now you tell me. Your neighbor is gonna be PISSED!!

Alex L said...

Hmmm, I missed a competition... dammit!

Elasticwaistbandlady said...

You could have just put all that crap on the driveway with a Garage Sale sign and come out of this with money ahead.

VE said...

alex - Yeah...snooze, you lose!

elastic - Good point! He said I could borrow the car for Halloween though...

colbymarshall said...

The devil picture was gross and intriguing at the same time...I kind of like it.

VE said...

colby - Why is that I knew you'd be drawn to that one. ha ha. You are being a bit scary, girl!

Carla said...

Nice story, but that car at the end is absolutely crazy.

VE said...

carla - And it's in my town too! Figures...

leelee said...

Can you imagine, some folks want to build a fence keeping those hard working immigrants out...gosh if we did that you would have had to do that cleaning all by yourself...now isn't THAT ridiculous.

HUGS!

VE said...

leelee - I might get a blister even. The THOUGHT!