Friday, October 10, 2008

Pathetic Things That Forced Me from Being Cool in the 70s

All right, I already posted today but today is the deadline for The 1st Humor Blogger Carnival hosted by Ettarose over at Edge of Insanity. This is a contest in which we have to post on either growing up in the (whatever decade) or rules our parents made up. Both quite tempting. I chose the growin up one since I haven't really completed that process yet.

This is all a nice plug for Humor Bloggers. Don't know what that is? It's a group of humor bloggers. Duh! Anyway, I am a member and it does feel like a fair and unpimping type of set up so I'll give it its due plug! It's run by Chelle B. from The Offended Blogger. Some of my readers here are even active participants there. There actually are some great blogs linked in through there so check it out.

Why am I doing this? Because I just can't pass up the lure of a challenge...and I think I can be pretty damn funny on these subjects too!

Sooooo...here's the entry post...

Pathetic Things That Forced Me from Being Cool in the 70s

You know, growing up in the 70s...I actually wasn't that popular. I know, it's hard to believe now but it was true. And in true American tradition, I need something or somebody to blame. Here we go:

Hats

I blame hats as being party responsible. Why in the hell did I wear hats in the 70s anyway? I was a kid! I had all my hair!! Shouldn’t I wait until my 40s or 50s when I would lose my hair to wear them? Ok, I haven’t really lost much but I didn’t know that then…

I had a “Keep on Truckin” leather visor. Yeah; a leather visor! And it stunk. It stunk like it was made from a cow’s ass. I actually think it probably was made from the cow’s ass. A real sweaty one too. People that knew me then will bring it up to this day. It stunk so bad my ex-wife made me throw it away from the attic where it was stored in a box. I never throw anything away; but alas, I made the marital sacrifice. I’m sure its now in some landfill outstinking everything else there…

But I was uncool even before the long hair and leather visor time and it was again hats that did it. I wore a Gilligan’s Island sailor cap. Yeah, that Wonderbread white dome with the brim pulled down as if to say “I’m trying to looking like a flippin’ albino mushroom” or something. What was I thinking? Like Gilligan was so much the macho role model I wanted to aspire to or something. I should have at least glued a rug to my chest and grew a mustache hoping to pass for Magnum PI or something. Sheesh.

Braces

Let me tell you, braces were a privilege in the 70s. They were expensive and not a lot of kids got them. Those of us fortunate enough (read as doomed to fate) to get them had a far different experience than the fun ones they have out today.

First of all, they had enough metal in them to make a 1976 Buick LeSabre! You want to know where the origins of Heavy Metal came from? MY MOUTH! That’s where. And do I get the credit? Nooooo…just the humiliation.

Of course I had to be an overachiever in my quest for ultimate unpopularity. Try wrestling with your friends and having your braces get caught in those damn shag rugs they had back then. Then have them leave me there for 45 minutes! Oh sure, laugh it up there popular person…

Gadgets


Having gadgets back in the 70s was pathetic. Very unpopular. That’s because the gadgets were stupid. You have any of these and you were doomed to the unpopular side of the basketball picking list:


Why did I have these things? I know I went to a Polytechnic high school but did I really have to look like it? It’s not like I knew what the hell I was doing with a slide rule anyway. Honestly, slide rules have always been one of those devices that seemed as magical as a magician making things disappear. I had no idea how you could slide the thing around a bunch of numbers and lines and do mathematics. There had to voodoo involved or some selling of your soul for this to work correctly.

Oh and caculators…forget it. I mean slider rule carriers were old school dorks (they didn’t even have the term nerd then) but calculator wielding kids were new blood dorks. They were big and pathetic and we loved them (cringing with embarrassment).

The ‘Look’

Come on, the 70s were THE most pathetic untasteful clothing fashions known to mankind. Need proof? Johny Virgil from 15 Minute Lunch found a catalog from the 70s and turned it into the biggest, funniest blog post ever written. You can view it here. He has over 600 comments on it. No, that’s not a typo (and yeah, I stole a couple of his images...sue me; he stole from JC Penny)…

Another problem with the 70s look is that it was the hairy, gold chained, mustache macho-man era. That’s not a good time to grow up as a teen that was almost 6’ tall and weighed 118lbs. I didn’t have the Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck hair chest look. Mine was white, concaved and smooth. You could use it as a fruit bowl when I layed down. It was smooth enough to use as a white board (not that they had those then). I failed in the popularity area big time here.

But stupid as I was, I could grow a mustache. Well…I thought it was a mustache. But in reality it was a cross between the short Hitler type and a balding caterpillar. Clean shaven was very unpopular but my look wasn’t much better.


Yes, all of these things contributed to my unending dorkiness and unpopularity growing up in the 70s. It’s a wonder I survived and grew into the awesome juvenile I am now!

59 comments:

colbymarshall said...

You have absolutely no idea how much the spider braces made me want to vomit...I almost lost it all over my keyboard...eeeewwwww....

sprinkle4 said...

Oh,yeah? Well, I had the velour track suit with the fitted cuffs and waistband! (Maroon and gold....I was SO hot when I was 9) I wore it when I was riding my 3 speed bike to school carrying my Shaun Cassidy lunchbox.....such a dweeb I was.:)

Bee said...

Ha ha! VE! That was awesome! :o)

I came over yesterday but things happened (dogs attacked my husband, no, don't feel bad, they might as well have been toy dogs and all they do is bark but I had to go rescue him any way. Did I mention they were our very own dogs?) so I had to leave.

I went to school with a guy that had the following issues, he was skinny with a concave chest, he had braces, he walked around with a llime green booger for most of the year but he was popular. You know why?

He only had a thumb, index finger and middle finger on each hand.

People loved the guy!

Very funny VE. :o)

bitchlet said...

I was unpopular because I had really bad hair. And because I knew all the answers.

VE said...

colby - Oh colby now...they're just little ones! ha ha

sprinkle4 - Shaun Cassidy... bwahahaha. Ok, I feel your pain then.

bee - ha ha. Lime green boogers are hard to keep in place all school year long. They usually turn gray after awhile. He must have been very talented! And couldn't you come up with a better excuse than a dog one? Sheesh...

bitchet - Well...except the answer to the bad hair dilema that is. I hate when hair goes bad. The cursing, the stealing, the drugs. It's so sad...

leelee said...

OMG VE...thanks for the memories. I graduated in 1976, so this was really a trip back in time for me..

Thinking back we wore:

Sweet orr jeans in every color
Flannel shirts
Thermal shirts
dingo boots
overalls and carpenter pants.


Army/navy was our fashion place..My folks didn't have enough extra coin for me to dress so hip...so let me be on record as saying THANK GOD!

I only wish you had posted some pics of YOU then!!! ;-) I'd like to see those pics.

Oh and that Post you linked too..made me cry I laughed so hard..

and lastly I have a confession....I have a photo of me circa 1974 wearing a sailors hat...navy style..good god!

Thanks for the giggles..

HUGS!!

VE said...

leelee - Wow, I thought only I was nerdy enough to wear a sailor hat. Appears several of you were just as dorky! ha ha ha

Carla said...

Oh dear...what a walk down memory lane. I agree with the comment about those spider braces. EEEEWWW

VE said...

carla - Boy I tell ya...a bunch of squemish people around here. What's wrong with a few dozen spiders...in your mouth?

Quickroute said...

I had bell bottom grey slacks as a school uniform - only one problem - it was 1985

VE said...

quickroute - School uniform eh? There was NOTHING uniform about my school...

Anndi said...

Luckily I was a kid in the 70s. My shame is the neon and Madonna style of the 80s.

I know... you feel my pain.

VE said...

anndi - I'm sorry you were a material girl because girls just wanna have fun....

lime said...

what about having your pad decked out with beanbag chairs and lava lamps???

Alex L said...

I was an eighies kid I guess though I cant really remember them... and the ninties... well did anything happen in the ninties.

Slide rules though what magic is that!

lime said...

oh i also wanted to thank you for the birthday greetings you left at my place. :)

cathouse teri said...

Well... ya still managed to get a super hot wife!

VE said...

lime - My kids actually have bean chairs (well, at their mom's house that is)

alex - You're right...what did happen in the 90s? I remember partying like it was 1999...oh wait...that WAS 1999.

lime - And you are welcome. I am always happy to ridicule people on their birthdays.

teri - Yeah...how did that happen? I must have gotten loose from the shag carpet...

The Incredible Woody said...

I have a 'Keep On Truckin' t-shirt. Does that make me uncool?

Roy Scribner said...

You know, if it wasn't for Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones, we Gen-X'rs might just have to delete the 70's, altogether.

VE said...

incredible woody - Oh yeah...you might have thought you were but like all fad wearers you were sadly mistaken.

roy - Don't forget Pink Floyd. Without Dark Side of the Moon, the marijuana industry would be much smaller...

justacoolcat said...

Wait . . . so you're saying you were cool at some point?

VE said...

justacoolcat - I never actually said so... ha ha ha

ReformingGeek said...

Glad I wasn't the only dork. Yep. I had the braces.....twice. I guess they couldn't figure it out back then . I love the pictures!

VE said...

reforminggeek - I think a lot of kids with braces from the 70s had to have them twice. The first for ultimate humiliation and the second for actual dental function and appearance. Thanks for stopping by!

Tiggy said...

Selleck! OMG, what a chest.

By odd coincedence I'm actually going to be working with him tomorrow... I'm very curious to see what he looks like now. I think my dreams are about to be crushed!

VE said...

tiggy - I had a boss that looked just like him. If it's any indication of Tom...prepare for disappointment, ha ha!

Jacki said...

Now I need to see real proof of all of this. ;-)

Oh man, if I start listing all reasons I was unpopular in school? For one thing, moving to a new school district every year, I was always the new kid.

VE said...

jacki - Ha ha. Thank goodness for the new kids. They were, by default, always more unpopular than even me.

MJ said...

You mean it was the hat and not your total lack of whit and charm?

*chuckle*

I kid, I kid...

VE said...

mj - But I thought the silent types were supposed to be dark and mysterious...what happened?

Jamie said...

Hello! Welcome to the club..I will be reading your stuff!

VE said...

jamie - Thanks...but don't sue me for the after affects please!

HeyJoe said...

As I believe I've blogged, I was in my Jr. High marching band.

Nothing screams "Great Fuck" like a guy wearing spats and a plume in his hat.

Megan said...

Man, I have got to get hold of a scanner so I can put some of my childhood pictures up...

VE said...

heyjoe - But there was this one time in band camp...

megan - Please warn me so I can get to a safe minimal distance... ;)

AngieSS said...

LMFAO. I thought I was going to spew my Pepsi visualizing you stuck in the shag carpet -- for 45 minutes. hehehe

I was just a kid for most of the 70's, but I totally remember the ugly clothes. The vertical striped bell bottoms should never, ever be aloud to be worn again. EVER!

Welcome to Humor Bloggers!

VE said...

angiess - Thanks for visiting. Yes, I will support you on that vertical striped pant thing. I've actually been with humor blogger for awhile. Lurking. Watching. Waiting. ha ha

Serena said...

Now I know why I was considered quasi-cool in the 70s.:)

Deb said...

Nice post, ve! Yes, the 70s: feathered hair and bell bottoms. I had one of those ruler thingies. Guess that says a lot right there!

VE said...

serena - Yes, sadly I helped everyone feel a little cooler...

deb - That does say a lot. It would say a lot more if YOU actually knew how to use one. I had one but I didn't...

The Offended Blogger said...

Awwwww you may have started out as a dork but you are a stud now. You put Tom and Burt to shame. In a kilt. Tossing a caber.

Oh, heh. Sorry, got carried away there. :)

Mona said...

EWWWWWW! @ the spider braces!!!

But you have all the right reasons to be dorky then. My god! how could you have used the calculator instead of your brains! You sure were pretty uncool!

That mustache must ache !

:D :D

Coincidentally I have a funny post at my blog too!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Oh My God - the braces! Talk about your medieval torture devices - I had the bands that went around every tooth!

Great post!

Kurt said...

They'll give braces to ANYONE these days. It hardly seems fair.

VE said...

offended - You saw me in that kilt huh? And that was no caber! ;) ha ha ha

mona - I'll be write over to check you out...errr...your post that is

nanny goats - Around the tooth, over it, across the tongue, around the face, over the head. The metal went everywhere back then.

kurt - Ha! I know, it sucks because its accepted now. Where's the suffering and humiliation? Unfair...

Jenn Thorson said...

I am sorry for your 70s pain. And I recall those braces.

I got braces and glasses the same year, and I pretty much could tune into any radio station in the U.S. with them.

And believe it or not, having Blondie radiating from my teeth still didn't make me popular. :)

VE said...

jenn - Ha ha. Yes, but one of her tunes might have helped: "One way or another, I'm gonna getcha..."

eve cleveland said...

ve....
k, u r my new blogboo.
Eve

VE said...

eve - Excellent. I will be over to check your blog out as well. And it better be funny! ha ha

eve cleveland said...

ve...
So funny I had to read it again. This time I got to thinking bout your braces and the shag carpet. I had managed to repress this image through thousands of hours and dollars of therapy, but here it us just like a loud irritating pop-up: our shag carpet was a medley of olive green, gold, and brown. I need a pop-up blocker for my mind.
Do you sell those at the shop?
Eve

VE said...

eve - Great idea...pop up blocker for the mind. I'm going to jot that down and post on it in the future. But since it's your idea...you get full credit!

kathcom said...

Mmmmm, Burt Reynolds.

VE said...

kathcom - I should have known you'd comment on Burt...

Anna Lefler said...

OMG - Burt and Tom! The perfect storm!

It's...it's eerie...

A.

Marvel Goose said...

Let's see:

Slip stick made out of bamboo for use in calculating square roots and other things - check.

Leather hat made by hand (mine had a top, not just a visor) that looked like a Lenin hat. Got a hammer and sickle pin and put it on the top. Check

Braces - nope, they are still crooked. Mom figured my teeth worked ok so why bother?

Gauze shirt with blousy sleeves like Errol Flynn's? check

Whisper thin double knit blue pants with bell bottoms? check

Platform shoes that made me look like a Giant (I was already 6'5")? check

Ok, I guess I was a 1970's geek. Glad to know ya.

VE said...

anna - That was weird that we featured the same actors...

marvel - Oooh, gauze shirts. You WERE cool. ha ha ha.

Mango Girl said...

I just discovered your sight ~ obviously looking through your pages...this one cracked me up...I am off to the JC Penny catalog in a minute.

Sad thing, most of these fashions are making a comeback ~ some of my younger acquaintances are wearing them; I run in horror! I am subjected to this twice in one lifetime?

My first concert was Shaun Cassidy (so hate to admit that); a few months later I went to Boston & Cheap Trick (thank gawd I learn quickly)

VE said...

mango girl - Welcome. Boy...don't know how you discovered my sight and made it over to this post. I never saw Boston in concert. I did see Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd though so I guess that made up for it.