Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Randomness

For those of you that somehow didn't see my contest post yesterday...shame on you. You should be waiting on my every word (or at least spell checking...) Head on down below this one and get in your vote. It might be your only chance to really control Fantastical Nonsense with your creative maliciousness...

Meanwhile, before I post winner(s) tomorrow morning assuming there are any (not giving anything away), you can have these random thoughts for the day courtesy of the mind of VE:

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You know, I really do want to follow the Bible. But so far I haven’t made it out of my bedroom where my damn Bible is just sitting there on the nightstand! Is it testing me? How can I follow it if it won’t move? I’m going to have to go to the bathroom soon…

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I was in a cafeteria recently. I didn’t want to be but that’s a whole separate story. Anyway they had some entrĂ©e titled ‘mock chicken’. After inquiry I discovered that this was for vegetarians. Why is it that everyone assumes vegetarians actually want to eat meat and therefore we should have lots of pretend meat offerings for them to choose from? What’s wrong with vegetarians just eating vegetables? You don’t see some cowboy eating a steak that was formed to look like a turnip!

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Have you seen those ads on TV offering cash for your old gold? Grandma’s wedding ring just lying around? Sell it for cash! Dad won’t miss those fillings…we can get cash! Boy I’m glad for their service. I just couldn’t figure out what to do with all my gold laying around here. Apparently it’s not on the curbside recycling list either…

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In the near future, the only place you’ll be able to shop is Goodwill. They seem to be the only ones making it. I see the empty buildings of failed business after failed business. Inevitably Goodwill takes over their buildings. I can see why. I tried to get a delivery guy from another charity to pick up all my charitable goods after my move. “Sorry, you should have reserved a slot on the driver’s schedule back in 2003.” Or if it isn’t that then they want to enter every single item on their web site before scheduling a delivery. Given the amount that I had to donate at the time, I would have had to start in 2003. So I took it all to Goodwill and they took it all, no questions! I tell you, they will be bigger than the former Ma Bell soon!

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Wall Street! I mean really. I think that if I had a runny stool the DOW average would drop 200 points. It seems to be reacting to every piece of shitty news out there. Give me a break. Do you really think Coca Cola is now worth half its value just because prices are going to go up? Maybe the government should interject and regulate the stock market. You know…no unnecessary dips to scare the rich and cause luxury items to not be consumed...

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It's i before e except after c..... wEIrd

28 comments:

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I think cowboys don't eat meat that looks like veggies because they have more self-esteem.

As for following the Bible, my teen is reading chapter one of it in English class where they refer to the stories as myths. He quite agrees.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

And...First!!! Take that, Brian and Bee!!

Sornie said...

Coca-Cola may be the most sound investment there currently is. A few months ago a 24-pack could be had for a mere $3.98, today the sale price is 3-12 packs for $11.98.

Seriously, you are fooling nobody. That is DOUBLE and just round it to even dollars. PLEASE.

Jeff said...

Please don't let it leak that you have runny stool.

lime said...

i'm going to invest in charmin. with all the shitty news there's a great need.

oh, and i have worked in a situation where i needed to deal with cleaning adult diapers. i think if i had to choose something new i'd go with armpit sniffer.

VE said...

prefers her fantasy life - Hey, new pic...nice. Myths huh? Maybe instead of urban legends we could change it to biblical legends. God could log in and tell us which ones were true and which ones he took some literary embellishments with.

sornie - I know. That's why I drink Pepsi! Coke has been going downhill ever since they stopped putting cocaine in the soda! Sheesh.

jeff - Don't worry, I've got my depends, no leak there! ha ha

lime - Better go with the single ply stuff. Charmin is a premium brand and those that have to clean up the shit cannot afford it. Besides...Mr. Wiffle (or whatever his name was) is dead. Armpit sniffer is a worthy and selfless pursuit...

Roy Scribner said...

Do you think the gold place has any bigger envelopes? The one they show in the commercial is awfully small, and when I mail my gold to some random company through the postal service, I prefer to mail it all at once.

Kurt said...

i won.

GC (God's Child) said...

I'm going to invest in caskets

VE said...

roy - Yeah, can you imagine how much it costs to ship a bunch of gold. That stuff weighs a ton! I think the mailman would be retiring before it ever made it there anyway...

kurt - i two. (is this a game? Did you win something?)

gc - Too many cremations these days. Start creating decorative ash trays for your loved ones remains!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

"You don’t see some cowboy eating a steak that was formed to look like a turnip!"

LOL!

Dude, I like how you think.

Sarah said...

I am sick of people trying to give me faux lunch meat, etc. I am a vegetarian because I like veggies so stop trying to give me hotdogs made of tofu dang it! :)

VE said...

nanny goats - Well, John Wayne never ate like that! Ok, he died...not a good example...

sarah - I think we just want you to look as ridiculous as we do with our ground up animal on a bun...

Quickroute said...

"It's i before e except after c..... wEIrd" and seize

Evil Genius said...

Although I can't speak for all vegetarians, I will anyway. We did NOT ask for mock chicken. We don't even like chicken, and we're not very good at pretending (which you've probably witnessed if you've ever seen us at a dinner party that mistakenly forgot to include any vegetarian dishes).

lololololol

VE said...

quickroute - You gotta love English as a language. What a hodgepodge of exceptions and inconsistancies...

evil genius - But I thought EVERYTHING tasted like chicken! ha ha

ReformingGeek said...

When you said "mock chicken", my first reaction before reading the rest of the paragraph was that it was supposed to be "mole chicken" but that is usually listed as "chicken mole" or "Chicken with Mole Sauce".

Yep. That's weird.

VE said...

reforminggeek - Well...my proof reading is bad...but I don't think it's quite THAT bad. ha ha

colbymarshall said...

"mock chicken" is like when restaurants put in tiny type at the bottom of menu "may not be fish specified." Like, "WHat?! So what is it, then!?"

Serena said...

I've decided (and not in my dotage, either) that randomness is way preferable to organization. This is good, because I haven't been a fan of organized since I was 10. Thanks to you, I now have a plan -- which, alas, smacks of organization, doesn't it? Oh, well. I'm going to see if I can get on at a vegan Goodwill where I can read the Bible and spend my breaks in the john after eating in the vegan cafeteria. I just hope I don't get such a bad case of runny stools that I heave out my gold fillings and lose all that cash I could have gotten in the mail. I figure I'll make enough to make a serious dent in Wall Street and learn enough to buy the Goodwill, change the menu, and sell stock.

VE said...

colby - I know...it's like "some meat product". Yikes...

serena - The vegan Goodwills are so hard to get employed at though. ha ha. Very nice. Don't let Jeff hear about your runny stools...he's quite concerned about such things (I think he's training to work in that adult diaper cleaning business I have on my poll...)

eve cleveland said...

ve,
Cute, funny man! I would like meat made to look like vegetables and fruit.
Eve

VE said...

eve - Yes, I am sure for you we can make pork chops look like a lovely pineapple!

Megan said...

Have you ever panned for gold?

(Just leaving a random comment. I'm focused on tomorrow!)

Merrill Guice said...

I chose picking up roadkill because occasionally some of it is good to eat.

Down at the county jail they love it when someone hits a deer. The deputy always brings the carcass back from the wreak and they put it in the smoker. Venison jerky! Yummy!

VE said...

megan - I have panned for gold. In Northern California! I didn't find a single ring either! WTF??

merrill - Ha ha...yes, I always suspect those "jerky guys" selling from their RVs by the side of the highways were using roadkill...

leelee said...

let me know when your comedy tour heads to south florida..

you're great!

HUGS!!

VE said...

This was sort of written like a comedy bit huh?