Monday, November 10, 2008

Fat Smittys and a Road Trip

Had to travel up to the tip of Washington state the other day. Well, not the actual tip, but Port Angeles, WA is quite far enough thank you. It was time to meet the new wife’s family; nearly all of them. I had run out of places to hide in the house. After finding me in the storage space under the stairs where I was wedged behind the Christmas boxes claiming I’d lost my car key and was ‘looking for it’ we hit the road.

Port Angeles is a 4 to 5 hour drive from Portland, OR. Not a bad drive either. You get to go through a beautiful area called “the canal”. This is essentially a windy, single-lane highway right next to the water. There were lots of fir trees and changing fall leaves on the other trees to enjoy.

What wasn’t enjoyable is that the slowest drivers in the entire world use this highway. I don’t have patience on the road even in normal conditions so you can imagine my joy to be going 30 in a 55 without the prospect of being able to pass. And even when I do some aggressive Steve McQueen maneuver to get around, I find their brother Earl just up the highway going just as slow. This would be an excellent highway for anger management classes to hold their final exam!


Out of just happenstance, we ended up at Fat Smittys. It seemed like it would have burgers that we could eat as we plod along at 30mph behind Darrell, Darrell and Darrell. Well let me tell you, Fat Smittys is not your average burger joint.

The entire restaurant is covered in dollar bills. Everywhere. People have written on them too. There must have been hundreds upon hundreds of dollar bills hanging from the ceiling and the walls. The Darrell brothers clearly eat here a lot too because there were picture of Bush on the walls. The usual country and honor propaganda required by your local redneck conservative Republican establishment. That’s ok, I didn’t have my “Vote Obama or your mama!” T-Shirt on today so it was safe.

I ordered the ‘special’ and the wife ordered a sensible hamburger. The special was $9. Yeah, just like these rednecks to charge me so much for a burger! But this wasn’t an ordinary burger. The cook even questioned me to be sure I wasn’t going to be driving while attempting to eat this. Who’s he kidding. Why I can eat a burger, pick my nose, talk on the cell phone and change the radio station all at the same time without even resorting to the brail warning on the highway!

But when we got the ‘to go’ bag I got worried. The bag was awfully damn big and heavy for just two burgers and some fries. They’d wrapped the burgers in tin foil. Hers looked pretty normal. But mine. It looked like a deformed basketball wrapped in tin foil. You’ve got to be joking? What the hell is in that?

Opening it up I quickly realize this is like a 7 pound burger. It’s not that it’s such a huge piece of hamburger, it’s that there are two of them with topping above and below and a middle bun even. Yeah, even bacon on there.
Now I’ve squeezed, forced, pounded, wedged and shoehorned some pretty damn big burgers into my mouth over the years but clearly this one was going to win that battle. The best I could do was to gnaw on it like I was eating from Burger Mountain in some science fiction nightmare. It was ridiculous. But damn was that a great burger. I didn’t come close to finishing it even though I had come in starving. In fact, I barely ate anything the rest of the entire day!

The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful. I felt like a little person compared to the wife’s family though. At least a dozen guys there and not one of them under 6’2”. Oh well, I’m man enough to handle it! On the way home we noticed two interest roads:

Kitchen Dick Rd.
Wood Cock Rd.

Can you imagine living there? “Yeah, you make a left on Kitchen Dick Rd. and then a right on Wood Cock Rd…then you’ll pass the Johnson’s place and..."

31 comments:

Chris Wood said...

Maybe you should invest in a burger holder for your car, allowing you to hold the wheel and watch the road while having a bite of lunch.

Either that or ask your spouse very nicely to hold it in place while you restore the system.

The Incredible Woody said...

I feel like a shrimp around my husband's family. Well, I am a shrimp but his family is a bunch of monsters. Even his grandmother is pushing 6'!!

VE said...

chris - Good idea! I did a post once on a car feed bag. I guess this burger could have used that!

incredible woody - I'm a half inch shy of 6' so I don't feel small normally and so that was just an amusing concept. I'd be scared if I had a 6' grandmother-in-law though! Yikes

Sarah said...

What is up with the dollar bills?!
When we were looking for our house I told myself I would not bid on a house with am embarassing street name! LOL

padraig said...

I know a man who once, in my presence, ate not one but *two* Super Quick-n-Split's with fries.

Quick-n-Split isn't around any more, but it used to be right next to the Randy's Donuts just off the 405 near LAX. You've seen the Randy's Donut before, in some movie about Los Angeles.

Anyway, Ray was about 270 lbs at the time (at 5'8") and these burgers were 1/2 lb with 1/3 lb of pastrami on 'em. I was amazed.

A 7lb. hamburger is just wrong. It is a portent of the second coming. It violates burger dogma.

lime said...

what a wild looking place!

kitchen dick and woodcock roads are interesting but in Pa we have entire towns with bawdy names

intercourse, paradise, bird in hand, blue ball....just to name a few.

ReformingGeek said...

And Peter lives on Kitchen Dick Rd. just past the Johnson's place right next to the Wanger's...

OK enough of that. Wow! 7 lbs of meat. I think I would probably die. Did you finish it?

I've done that drive. Beautiful!

BTW, my crazy, random things post is up today. Check it out. I'm sorry to say my list will never tops yours, though!

Jacki said...

Thanks, VE! Now I have this mental image of you trying to stuff something really big into your mouth. And believe me, it's not pretty.

Megan said...

Once you get north of the Grapevine everyone drives too slow. I think there is a spell cast on them, all the way to the Canadian border!

--L.A. Driver

Kurt said...

I've been to the village of Cocking just outside London.

Jeff said...

Well, now we know how Smitty got so fat!

I can just imagine you driving down the highway behind the slow pokes screaming out "I can't drive... 55!"

EmmaK said...

wow
you are a brave man
I could eat 7 pounds of chocolate but not 7 pounds of burger

leelee said...

Hey Fat Smitty's looks like the western cousin of
The No Name Pub in Big Pine Key Florida.
They also have
dollars stuck everywhere
....and in the keys..people drive 30 in a 55 as well on the one road in/out. Its so frustrating. Hey I bet if we looked on a map your Fat Smitty's is exactly diagonal from the No Name Pub...very interesting!! Sounds like a fun trip..

HUGS!

QuirkyLoon said...

Hey VE you better be careful, dude. You get too impatient out there on those lonely highways you just might find yourself like Dennis Weaver in a Duel situation.

And I'd be super scared if that happened and the semi-truck led you to either Kitchen Dick or Wood Cock Roads!

Ifn' you know what I mean! Just sayin'!

AngieSS said...

LMAO VE he did try to warn you about the burger. Did your wife have to drive the rest of the way so you could take it with both hands?

LOL There is no way in hell I would buy a house on either of those two roads -- I just couldn't do it. Seriously, I can almost understand Wood Cock Rd., but Kitchen Dick --wtf?!!!

AmyOops said...

I just wanted to comment to get on your blog roll.

Amy

Serena said...

That's the kind of road trip I love, complete with unusual places to eat. If I ever make it out that way, I've got to stop in Fat Smitty's. Not for the basketball-sized burger; just for the general ambience and an anemic little burger.:)

Thinkinfyou said...

I would love to live on a road named like that. Just imagine all the shocked looks on people's faces when you gave them your address. I think I'm going to start giving out a fake dirty address,just to see.

Bonnie the Boss said...

Great post!!!
"This would be an excellent highway for anger management classes to hold their final exam!"
Too funny!!! I hate being stuck behind slow people.
I am always yelling "Drive that thing or park it!"

VE said...

sarah - I have no idea. Something out of the ordinary. I tried to divert their attention and clean up but they've learned that trick...

padraig - Ha! Reminds me of the movie "Diner" where the guy eats the entire left side of the menu in one sitting and then drives off in this little tiny car.

lime - Yes, you have entire weird towns...Philly, etc. ;)

reforminggeek - I really had no desire to visit Peter!!! No, fortunately I was wise enough not to try and finish the burger. I would have exploded. I'll check out your list shortly.

jacki - Trust me, it wasn't pretty at the time either. And gnawing on burger mountain is even less pretty!

megan - Well, once you leave the sunshine from California we they all get distracted and depressed!

kurt - Sounds illegal! Glad you didn't get arrested...

jeff - I actually did say that as a matter of fact!

emmak - Not brave, just ignorant. I did finish it either...keeps me from exploding or gaining weight. Oh...and I haven't forgotten your damn meme. I'll get to it and let you know...

leelee - Wow, they are like twins. I wonder if there is one in Maine and Southern CA too!

quirkyloon - Well any Duel on that road and I would have been in Anchorage by the time they got through that road. But I have been in a DUEL situation. I was just at the courthouse for a guy terrorizing the highway last year. He plead guilty because of the witnesses (us and others) that showed up to court just testify against him. Muhahaha

angiess - I did have her drive so I could gnaw on that thing with both hands and my entire face. Glad THAT scene didn't make YouTube

amyoops - And that is how you get on there. Moving up is fairly easy too...just comment again and again with each post. Who whodda thunk?

serena - If you make it to the Pacific NW, leave me a message; I can line you up with all kinds of eclectic experiences like this.

thinkinfyou - Yeah, it would be fun to give it out at church!

bonnie - Sounds like you know the place! Yep, I was yelling and whining...when the wife would let me that is

Roy Scribner said...

Ah yes, the land of places whose names you shall-not-pronounce! Hamburgers, huh? Do you two get seafood in Pendleton?

VE said...

roy - Good one Roy! Yes, we should have been eating seafood but that isn't something so easy to eat on the road. If I'm in Prendleton...I try not to eat! ;)

angie said...

Sounds like some burger. And economical, too. I mean, how many meals do you think you could have made it into?

Did the wife's family LIKE you? :)

VE said...

angie - Actually, not very economical because when you're on the road there's really no place to store it and I couldn't possibly see a point in trying to eat off the mess I left it in after the first attempt. Oh well. Yes...the family liked me. We groomed each other and swung from trees...oh wait, those were the monkeys at the zoo...never mind.

Matt-Man said...

Man...I am sooo jealous. That burger sounds fantastic. And according to the road names up there they have plenty of meat around with which to make them there burgers. Cheers!!

VE said...

matt-man - How did I KNOW you'd be wanting a 7lb hamburger! This post must have been calling to you...

Dee said...

i've always just drove by Fat Smittys, on my way to Sequim and 7 cedar casino...SHhhhhhh!
yes l lost my ass, and would have found it at Fat Smittys huh?
Hey watch the conservative cracks LLOL

yellojkt said...

I've been to Port Angeles, but I missed Smitty's. We went to a lavender farm instead. Just another reason to go back one day.

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

Oh god. That burger would make me barf. And that restaurant looks like a fire hazard! Someone should do something about that!

When my husband does the dishes I call him The Kitchen Dick. I never knew I could go somewhere to steal a street sign to commemorate the occasion.

VE said...

dee - Sorry...just had to have fun with the conservatives. I'm usually pretty nuetral...

yellojkt - I rarely make it back to places other than locally...just too many things in the world to see and do

arizona - Ha ha. Good point, I wonder if people do steal that road sign...

Cheesy said...

Oh will have to check that place out next trip up north! We had a place called Bigs Hi-yu-he-he here that had burgers like that... could feed the whole clan on one burger!