Food Industry Complexities

Once again, the food industry perplexes me. It’s best to not think when in the grocery store. Just go about your required business of selecting, purchasing and consuming things without regard to understanding them. Think I’m being dramatic? Let’s consider a few things:

Non-Dairy Creamer. What moron created and named this product? Probably some accountant that was fired for embezzling money and ended up doing 3 years in a cushy white collar detention center. He then gets hired to some corporate management job where he’s in charge of naming that-which-should-not-be-named. Yeah, that’s right. Lord Voldemort drank non-dairy creamer!

What exactly is non-dairy creamer? Cream comes from dairy so how can you call it cream. Oh yeah, because they qualified that right up front by calling it ‘non-dairy’. Isn’t this like calling something non-fruit strawberries? I don’t think I’d be buying a lot of that.

Best Foods REAL Mayonaise. It says so right on the product. I don’t know about you but I stay clear of products that have to convince me they are real. Do they have a companion product that is “Unreal” mayonnaise? “Hey honey, try this mayonnaise, its unreal!”

I suppose you could say that Miracle Whip is sort of the ‘unreal’ mayonnaise. But they clearly call that a salad dressing. That’s confusing in and of itself. Who actually pours this stuff directly on their salad? “Waiter…I’d like Miracle Whip with my hot spinach salad…” Forget it! And just between you and me, I would have thought Miracle Whip would be found at an adult store under the S&M section.

Jerkey "Big Tender Taste". Check it out. Exactly how do you make a taste tender? “Hey dear, what does that taste like?” “It tastes tender.” Come on, people. It tastes like chicken. EVERYTHING does. And let’s face it. You know this stuff is about as tender as the saddle you sat on when you went horseback riding for the first time and couldn’t walk for two days. I’m sure people with teeth grinding problems use this jerky to help prevent them from grinding their teeth down to little stubs. Custom fit mouth guard ($400) or package of jerky ($6)? Duh!

Certs with Retsyn. I’m sorry…but what in the hell is Retsyn? They used to always advertise it specifically like it was something so amazing you had to go out and buy it! My pop tarts didn’t come with Retsyn. My Pepsi didn’t have Retsyn. What was Retsyn and why did I need it? Should I be buying it in bulk down at Chemical Mart? It’s so confusing…