Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Food Industry Complexities

Once again, the food industry perplexes me. It’s best to not think when in the grocery store. Just go about your required business of selecting, purchasing and consuming things without regard to understanding them. Think I’m being dramatic? Let’s consider a few things:

Non-Dairy Creamer. What moron created and named this product? Probably some accountant that was fired for embezzling money and ended up doing 3 years in a cushy white collar detention center. He then gets hired to some corporate management job where he’s in charge of naming that-which-should-not-be-named. Yeah, that’s right. Lord Voldemort drank non-dairy creamer!

What exactly is non-dairy creamer? Cream comes from dairy so how can you call it cream. Oh yeah, because they qualified that right up front by calling it ‘non-dairy’. Isn’t this like calling something non-fruit strawberries? I don’t think I’d be buying a lot of that.


Best Foods REAL Mayonaise. It says so right on the product. I don’t know about you but I stay clear of products that have to convince me they are real. Do they have a companion product that is “Unreal” mayonnaise? “Hey honey, try this mayonnaise, its unreal!”

I suppose you could say that Miracle Whip is sort of the ‘unreal’ mayonnaise. But they clearly call that a salad dressing. That’s confusing in and of itself. Who actually pours this stuff directly on their salad? “Waiter…I’d like Miracle Whip with my hot spinach salad…” Forget it! And just between you and me, I would have thought Miracle Whip would be found at an adult store under the S&M section.





Jerkey "Big Tender Taste". Check it out. Exactly how do you make a taste tender? “Hey dear, what does that taste like?” “It tastes tender.” Come on, people. It tastes like chicken. EVERYTHING does. And let’s face it. You know this stuff is about as tender as the saddle you sat on when you went horseback riding for the first time and couldn’t walk for two days. I’m sure people with teeth grinding problems use this jerky to help prevent them from grinding their teeth down to little stubs. Custom fit mouth guard ($400) or package of jerky ($6)? Duh!



Certs with Retsyn. I’m sorry…but what in the hell is Retsyn? They used to always advertise it specifically like it was something so amazing you had to go out and buy it! My pop tarts didn’t come with Retsyn. My Pepsi didn’t have Retsyn. What was Retsyn and why did I need it? Should I be buying it in bulk down at Chemical Mart? It’s so confusing…

41 comments:

Memarie Lane said...

what bugs me is when they call creamer "whitener."

VE said...

marie - Ha! Even coffee needs whiter teeth these days...

Bee's Musings said...

:o(
I was going to be first but Marie beat me up with the splintery end of a stick!

Miracle Whip and S&M? What would you say I rub it to see if a genie comes out?

Jacki said...

I think the food industry should go back to using plain old sugar.

The Incredible Woody said...

I, too, have always wondered what retsyn was and why it was so great!

The Incredible Woody said...

I, too, have always wondered what retsyn was and why it was so great!

The Incredible Woody said...

I, too, have always wondered what retsyn was and why it was so great!

The Incredible Woody said...

Ooops! Obviously I am still confused from my recent trip to the grocery.....

VE said...

bee - That Marie is fast! She's done that before. Go ahead and rub it, but choose your 3 wishes wisely! ha ha

jacki - Sugar? Are you mad, woman? That doesn't fit in with our denial society at all! We are much happier with our non-sugar chemicals designed to taste just like sugar.

VE said...

incredible woody - You must be confused...it's doublemint gum that doubles your pleasure. Even I don't know what a triple comment would relate to...

Giggle Pixie said...

I know, right?! And what is up with processed cheese? I mean, isn't there a "process" to make ANY cheese? WTH????

Kurt said...

I recommend avoiding all of those foods.

lime said...

well giggle pixie beat me to my lifelong question of "processed cheese food." so i guess i will have to move on to cheez whiz. i think that product looks liek what may happen to your urine if you OD on cheese doodles. and the cheeze doodles themselves look like...well...like cheese poops. i guess doodles is the more euphemistic term.

Chris Wood said...

Well, my sandwich came with 50% more ham, but I put it in myself.

My Pepsi came with added E numbers and heroin, and now I'm shivering away hyperactively.

It's true, fizzy drinks aren't good for you.

The Creative Cafe said...

I haven't seen Certs in 20 years! Do they still make them?
LOL--Is retsyn in anything else edible?

ChrisEldin said...

Ooops! Last comment from me.
Have to remember to sign out.... new account for writers group since MSN groups is closing doors.

VE said...

giggle pixie - Ha ha. Yeah...processed with what?

lime - You know, peeing out cheese whiz doesn't sound like it feels good! ha ha

chris - They should just say...now with 50% more chemicals! Heroin? No wonder I can't stop drinking Pepsi...

chris - I did some research. It is apparently a combination of copper gluconate and partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil. Boy...now there's something to toot your horn over! Sheesh...

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

Um, FYI, Miracle Whip is found in the S&M section of adult stores.....

angie said...

Who would have known Arizona frequents adult stores......now, the only question is, when does she have time? :)

There is such a thing as Jeff Foxworthy beef jerky?

Roy Scribner said...

I'm pretty sure that retsyn sticks to kids.

VE said...

arizona - Spoken like an expert, huh?

angie - Yeah...she's baffling me today! Yes, there is Jeff Foxworthy beef jerky. How could the world survive without that product?

roy - Can you then stick the kids to a wall? That could be handy...

cathouse teri said...

I have a huge problem with non-dairy dairy stuff. And yes, I did find it reasonable when they called a spade a spade and named it "whitener." (hee hee ~ that made me laff ~ spade/whitener comment ~ I like it when I make myself laff.)

ANYWAY, That's all it really is. Something that makes your coffee whiter.

So what... is that for coffee racists?

Sarah said...

My dad is a creamer junkie. I have often wondered how they felt justified to refer to it as "creamer". It grosses me out.

QuirkyLoon said...

Oh VE, thou art cruel. Ye knew that a weenie like me, would go and look it up and here it be:

Retsyn is a trademarked name for a combination of copper gluconate and partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil, held by Cadbury Adams (a division of Cadbury Schweppes). It is an ingredient in Certs, Certs Cool Mint Drops, and Certs Power Mints.

According to a Pfizer FAQ Page, Retsyn, in addition to the flavor, is responsible for the efficacy of Certs against breath odors. The hydrogenated vegetable oil and the copper gluconate absorb odors in the mouth. The copper gluconate is also responsible for Retsyn's green color.

C said...

LOL! OMG...The Miracle Whip/S&M thing had me laughing!

Ahhh...VE, how I've missed reading your posts!! Now that I'm on bedrest until the baby is born, I'll have heaps of time to check out your blog every day! :)

AngieSS said...

Wow, what's on the front of the package is almost as scary as what's on the back anymore! And I'm with you, I didn't have a clue what the hell Retsyn was and how it was supposed to be a great selling point.

Serena said...

Miracle Whip. Tee-hee.:-)

ReformingGeek said...

Maybe it's the retsyn that burns those bad breath germs away! Ha!

And who named Tootsie Rolls? Tootsie?

VE said...

terri - Spade...ha ha. I'm sure there are coffee racists out there somewhere...

sarah - Thank goodness I'm not a coffee drinker. Too complicated...

quirkyloon - Ha ha. You've been on wikipedia! Yes, I saw that too. Imagine trying to come up with something that removes bad breath germs! "Hey, let's try cottonseed oil..." Right...

c - Oh...now don't go laughing and blaming me for inducing labor or anything...

angiess - That's the dumb part of it...Retysn. Hey, VE's Fantastical Nonsense...now in gnomelish!!!!

serena - There...made you laugh!!

reforminggeek - Well Tootsie Rolls do look like poop and the 'toot toot' is a derivative of...oh, never mind!

Kirsten said...

I'm with you on the Cool Whip.
I still don't know what you're supposed to eat it with.

Deb said...

Retsyn is the stuff that puts one blinding white sparkle twinkle thing on just one tooth when you smile. Some toothpastes have it, too. You can see the blinding white sparkle twinkle thing right after the word 'Retsyn' on your Certs picture.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Jeff Foxworthy is chock full of big tender taste. I'm so glad that he's decided to go ahead and hang up his game show career to share little dried bits and pieces of his jerky self with his adoring public.

Jeff Jerky would make a better name if not for a jerky product than for the non-dairy creamer!

Real Live Lesbian said...

You should buy some fine Corinthian Leather seats for your Chrysler! Of course, you'll have to go to Corinth.

Thanks for the laughs! Great post!

Chat Blanc said...

damn, forget the food, i gotta get me one of those Miracle Whips! but does it come with a whipping boy?

colbymarshall said...

Like retsyn is something we're all looking for. "Oh, thank GOD it has Retsyn!!!"

VE said...

kirsten - Me neither...but it's cool!

deb - Can you eat it at night while driving...it might blind oncoming cars...

elastic - Wow...good one. Jeff jerky creamer...I'm not listening, I'm not listening

real live lesbian - Thanks for dropping by!

chat blanc - Oh come on now, do you really have to find one; they're everywhere!!!

colby - Exactly! My life is complete now...

Anette said...

What about Coca Cola Zero: 0% of anythyng.. What is it in that bottle, how can it weigh so much, with nothing in it?

Megan said...

I can die peacefully now that I know what Retsyn is. Thank you.

VE said...

anette - I agree...obviously done with new math or an Excel spreadsheet.

megan - You're welcome. It's also great for thwarting paparazzi photos with that dazzling sparkle and is a wonderful grout cleaner

Maureen said...

I think what is even worse than "non-dairy creamer" is the small type underneath that says

"an edible oil product".

No I am not making that up.... some of our so-called "creamers" say that.

Gag.

VE said...

maureen - That helps sell it to the Republicans here!!!