Thursday, November 06, 2008

The President's Book of Secrets

You know that second National Treasure movie? Oh, come on, the one the secret book that only Presidents see and put things into? The book passed from President to President?

Well, I just happened to be in the Library of Congress checking out books the other day and wouldn’t you know it but I ended up checking it out on accident. Yeah, the library is so inefficient they let me check it out!

It’s actually not on the Dewey decimal system because only organizational freaks use that system. I think books should be thrown and stacked and shelved wherever. Quit spending all your time making it logical to find something. Books should be earned! They should be discovered! But I digress…

Well anyway, there I was looking at “Oil Refineries around the World – The Pop Up Book” and there behind it was the President’s Book of Secrets. That crafty George Bush, putting it under the oil expansion section of the library and then placing a democratic logo on it…he knew nobody would find it and touch it there!

It’s a lot less impressive than you would think. It’s so old they’ve resorted to duct taping the entire outer cover for it because let’s face it – duct tape is the only thing that is going to hold together over the long run! The inside cover was also weird with some strange photo designed to confuse would be lookers.



You know, its fun to see the inside jokes the Presidents passed onto their predecessor. Gerald Ford’s drawing of Carter with a peanut for a dick was very well done. All of Kennedy’s mistresses certainly added a lot of volume to the book but not surprisingly was then topped by Clinton’s list. I think Clinton’s was longer than John C. Holmes’ list! Mother Theresa was a surprise to see on there.

Oh sure, the secrets were all there. There was enough material here to make even conspiracy theorists doubtful. Sssshhhh…let’s sample a couple:


Iraq War

No, the Iraq war wasn’t about weapons of mass destruction, terrorism or even oil. It’s secretly about sand! That’s right. Our sand supplies on the USA oceanfront are dramatically depleted. We’ve been shipping sand back here secretly for the entire war. The resort industry pays dearly to keep their beach sand! Without it, our economy would wash away, like sand through the hourglass…


Area 51

No, it doesn’t harbor aliens or advanced military technology. It’s the destination of the underground sock and pen network. Secret routes all over the country are constructed to help socks escape the laundry and pens escape their daily drudgery. From here an extensive product protection program renames them and gives them new, more interesting opportunities.

JFK Assasination

Actually, it wasn’t JFK in the car at all. It was a stunt double that John used so he could retire and go swinging with Marilyn Monroe. No, Marilyn’s death wasn’t real either. They devised an elaborate plan to get away from it all. John had only wanted to be President to get the babes and it was just too much work after that. Besides, Jacki could be such a taskmaster about chores in the White House. Sheesh!


Both of them lived a lovely life on the beach in El Nido on the island of Palawan near the Philippines. There they casually enjoyed making explicit sex tapes, playing croquet, and learning local coconut carving crafts until they died of old age.


Oh yes, there’s more. But I don’t want to hurt your heads so we’ll stop while it’s still safe. The question now is: What should I draw in the book to pass to Obama so that he thinks Bush drew it for him?

36 comments:

The Incredible Woody said...

I always knew something was up with the deaths of JFK and MM. But what happened to Elvis?

ReformingGeek said...

I can't believe you divulged these secrets. ;-)

As for what to add to the book, how to quack like a lame duck?

Kanrei said...

No, it doesn’t harbor aliens or advanced military technology. It’s the destination of the underground sock and pen network.

That was great, but you are wrong about JFK....Oliver Stone went back in time and hid on the grassy knoll with a desire to make a movie one day.

Megan said...

What do you write?!?

"VE Knows"

Duh!

Love that photo of the sign that says "no photos"

Jacki said...

I didn't know that the Library of Congress had brances out in your neck of the woods.

The Iraq War now makes sense!

On another note, I turned in my 2-weeks notice. Already got an interview offer with another company.

Sully Sullivan said...

LOL Nice work. I really enjoyed this post.

He how come you omitted the one about the cold war being a distraction so that a secret Russian-American alliance could continue their high stakes prostitution trade unnoticed?

Giggle Pixie said...

I suspected it was about sand. All those Boggle sand timers out there to be made, and what to do when our supply runs out? Oh, the humanity!

I bet the Clinton chapters were big enough to have been their own book of secrets. And Carter's secrets? All about lusting in the heart, baby.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Giggle Pixie is mistaken. The real sand suckers are the Girl Scouts and their layered colored sand in a jar crafty project they force all girls to participate in.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Is it weird that when BO was elected my second thought was exactly about the Book Of Secrets? It really was!

I won't tell you what my first thought was because I know your politics. It was just one word involving the letters S and H and I and a big fat T.

Kurt said...

OMG - you've seen the book too?!

VE said...

incredible woody - Yeah, it want to leak the Elvis one. We'll save that for another post!

reforminggeek - Quacking is good. And of course by divulging this I'm assuming you are all intelligent adults that would never spread the truth...

kan - Ha! True, but they shot the stunt double. It's a conspiracy stunt double assassination! Remember, there's always a bigger conspiracy over the whole thing!

megan - Yes, "VE knows"! ha ha

jacki - Well I had some time...took the bus over to Wash DC on a lark. Expensive though, it was a 3,750 zone bus ticket... PS - Congrats on your career move! Sorry that you have to still work though...

sully - Ssshhh! Sully!! Damn...how did that leak out...

giggle - Ha ha. Yes, I'd be very put out if I couldn't play Boggle!

elastic - Those damn girl scouts and their crafts. They're depleting the worlds supplies! Oh, and don't presume to know my politics...I can make fun of so many things. I'm actually a bit of an idealist. Sue me...

kurt - Yeah, I thought that was you that had checked it out of the library earlier. I should have known when I saw the OPE cartoon in there. Leave it to you to be wasting time in the Library of Congress searching the oil refinery section...

Memarie Lane said...

i believe the sand thing. it was a huge issue when i lived in florida, the hurricanes were always washing it away.

Serena said...

NOW we know some of the national secrets. Can't honestly say I'm surprised by the sand revelation. Makes sense to me. Does it say in the book whether Cheny sheds his skin at night, or whether Bush gets to shake the strings that make his mouth work?:)

Roy Scribner said...

How come nobody ever brags about getting the last post?

VE said...

marie - Yeah...I'll bet the Gulf still needs a ton of it

serena - Well, Bush is too dumb to even know he has strings

roy - I do. I've claimed last on a number of blogs. And then there's always some dumbass ruining it for me by posting after me.

ChrisEldin said...

OMG! You masterfully mix fact with fiction. Have you considered politics? hehehe!

That was hysterical--the peanut cracked me up.

Hmmm... haven't seen the W movie yet, but is there beer? Something about beer.

Chris Wood said...

I think you should draw Obama a treasure map in the White House. Have him digging for gold in the public toilet or some such.

Maureen said...

I think you should enlist the artistic efforts of the nearest two year old to draw a picture in crayon... but don't let them write any words; that would be a giveaway that it was done by someone more intelligent than Bush.

VE said...

chrisedlin - Thanks but politics seems like a lot of work...

chris - I like your thinking! Very fun. This could be quite interesting and elaborate

maureen - Probably suitable for Bush...nobody would suspect otherwise!

Carla said...

I feel so edified knowing these things. I think we need just another little peek.

Alex L said...

You should add a plug for your blog... hell I would

yellojkt said...

It all makes sense now. But you better keep an eye out for black helicopters.

VE said...

carla - Perhaps in due time. I have a lot of post subjects just ripe for a sequel but never seem to do them

alex - That would be fun...but I wouldn't want it associated with Bush...

yellojkt - Only at night. I would think their quite visible in the daytime...

AngieSS said...

Dude, can I get a map of the underground tunnels? I'm so tired of my socks going astray. I'll catch those little buggers in the act. I tell you what, they won't be so quick to take off next time!

Funny stuff, VE!!

colbymarshall said...

So what was on page 37???

Dale said...

I have no idea when it happened but I'm glad you learned to read! This was info we needed to know!

Thinkinfyou said...

Your twist on history is awesome.But I hope you're not helping your children with their homework.

Anna Lefler said...

* snort *

I knew it! I knew the government was behind my missing socks! (I thought the cat had the pens, actually, but I knew the gov had the socks...)

Awesome post.

A.

Bonnie the Boss said...

Area 51 is probably where hangers go to multiply and replenish the earth as well. We really ought to rid ourselves of that black hole.

padraig said...

@ bonnie

Hangers reproduce in closets that are populated only by empty hangers.

VE said...

angiess - Sorry, I've been using the tunnels for racing with my turbo charged Segway...

colby - I don't know, it was encrypted in texting slang.

dale - Yes, the reading from school finally was useful. I'm still waiting for the frog dissection to be useful...

thinkinfyou - They only let me help in creative writing...

anna lefler - How'd you know about the cats? I left that out...didn't want to traumatize cat lovers out there you know. Yes, cats had been working with the government all along.

bonnie - They are becomming a nusience, aren't they? I fear they will take over the world eventually...

padraig - That's why I fill all my closets with lots of crap!

nikkicrumpet said...

It's probably pointless to even comment on how funny and brilliant this post is. Because I'm pretty sure the men in the all black stealth outfits have already surrounded your house and we'll probably never see or hear from you again. But just in case...that was pretty dang great!

VE said...

nikkicrumpet - Fortunately my blog is the leased findable on the internet...

padraig said...

What everyone really wants to know is, "Was Franklin Pierce really as big of a sissy as his photos would indicate?"

VE said...

padraig - There was something about his staff giving him "melvins"...

Anonymous said...

This information all makes sense exept Area 51. Dirty socks and pens? Why would the government make a whole underground section for socks and pens? They wouldn't. The book is probably a decoy to hide the real thing. With partical correct information and the other wrong just to confuse anyone who finds the book. I mean, why would the president put the book in such a simple spot where many people could find it? I'm thinking the president probably hid the real book somewherebin the white house where no one would be allowed to go or a place that only the president knows of. What do you think?