Tuesday, December 09, 2008

De-regulating the Judicial System - Another VE prediction

I’m pretty sure that with Reality TV desperate to find the next new thing and with the government needing creative ideas to keep Americans busy so the economy stays moving; there are a lot of opportunities coming up.


I’ll be starting up my new entrepreneurial business selling Do-it-Yourself Lawyer kits. I’m pretty sure they’ll be relaxing those silly bar exams for several reasons:

1. Bars aren’t as popular here in the USA as they used to be…too many DUI implications

2. Tests are hard. Education test scores have been going down every year for over a decade. It’s only a matter of time before nobody will pass…

3. Taking tests isn’t very ‘green’. All those trees destroyed for number two pencils and test exams and those little rectangle box scoring cards that nobody can seem to fill in without spilling over on and then subsequently worrying about whether the computer will read it incorrectly and failing you so you’re out homeless on the street in the middle of winter.


In the upcoming era of free-for-all self-litigation there won’t be back-up courtrooms to wait for. No, mini-courtrooms will start appearing all over town just like insta-cash and Starbucks before them. They won’t have competent judges. Instead, they’ll have a jury that has paid for the entertainment to try the case, just like they’d pay to go to a play or a movie. It’ll be very popular. People love to judge others…

There won’t be massive jails to put away the guilty. No, they’ll also be franchised out to various strip malls and larger malls. It’ll be a lucrative business. Go to the mall and get a photo with Santa and the local convicts.
All the guilty will also have to handle customer service for the businesses within their mall. This will not only provide community service, it will improve current customer service satisfaction as well as reduce overhead for the small business geared toward putting you into consumer debt.

Oh if Obama knew VE had all these ideas...

23 comments:

iamnot said...

Just so you know...I've shut down my blog. I'll be back under a new name and avatar for commenting only. You'll likely recognize me.

Quirkyloon said...

I'd like four tickets to the Sat 6pm showing of Premeditated Murder.

Just imagine the "killing" they'll make from this show!

hee hee?

Great idea VE! Genius!

ReformingGeek said...

Now if we just moved the trials to the bars....

The legal system appears to be similar to health care. Those that can afford it get off or get well. I say we go to a lottery lawyer system. When you're arrested, you go to a machine and push a button and out pops your lawyer. This would also be applied to civil cases.

VE said...

iamnot - Nooooo! Say it ain't so. You're my longest reader. I'll look for your avatar soon.

quirkyloon - Everyone wants to go enjoy the murder trial! ha ha

reforminggeek - Pop out lawyers...cool! Can you pop them when you're done with them? Sort of like a balloon.

Memarie Lane said...

love the picture of the day.

Kanrei said...

I am pretty sure companies are already using convicts for customer service. I like the plan, but I will wait for the Charles Bronson plan that will immediately follow. Get your guns cleaned now!

GC (God's Child) said...

never considered how terrible all those number 2 pencils really were

VE said...

marie - Thanks...had a few Santa photos left over from my post the other day. Might as well use 'em!

kan - It's gonna look like that Robocop movie!

gc - They're BAD. Twice as bad as the No. 1 pencils! ;)

EmmaK said...

I think that these new lawyers should also be trained in musical theatre so they can break out in song at moments of dramatic tension in the case

Nessa said...

I think we elected the wrong person.

Jacki said...

Great! Even more ambulance-chasing lawyers out there!

But well...maybe my sister's baby-daddy can be your first customer. Rumor has it his lawyer dropped him, so now he's representing himself. Ha!

lime said...

give me one of those DIY lawyer kits....i have an insurance company i want to prosecute for gross incompetence and general assholery.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

The DIY lawyer kits are the best thing since sliced bread.

They come in handy when you want to scare the shit out of some unexpecting asshole!

Kurt said...

Believe me, Obama knows.

Giggle Pixie said...

But....will there still be Judge Judy? 'Cause seriously, there has GOT to still be Judge Judy! PLEASE tell me there'll still be Judge Judy?

*twitching*

VE said...

EmmaK - Bwahaha. I LOVE it! Now that's the kind of nonsense that makes me smile! You are officially on my writing staff...not that I have a staff but if I did...

nessa - Hey...Nader is still available.... ;)

jacki - Oh come on now...it's good entertainment!

lime - You obviously weren't invited to their spa retreat event, were you?

preposterous - The kits come in handy for so many things. Assholery rates high on the list.

kurt - I hear he secretly subscribes to O.P.E. too!

giggle - Ok, first, breathe into this paper bag. Good. Now...brace yourself...there will be an entire cable channel dedicated to this reality tv genre! Woohoo. Nothing funner than judging people for their wrongness!

Roy Scribner said...

Well, I went home with a waitress,the way I always do.
How was I to know she was with the Russians, too?

Serena said...

As someone who's worked for lawyers way too long, I urge you to waste no time implementing your plan. You'll make a killing -- and bail yourself out in plenty of time to try and acquit yourself.:)

Jaime said...

Where were you with this brilliant idea before I wasted my time - and killed off an entire grove of trees - taking 3 bar exams? :)

Megan said...

Nice one, VE!

I'd say something clever or witty but I'm super tired and boring today.

Sue me! ;)

VE said...

roy - Yep, Lawyers, Guns and Money. That Warren...he knew!

serena - I'm just waiting for the reality tv and entertainment royalties!

jaime - So you were the one that killed off the hundred acre wood! How can Pooh bear it?!

megan - It's ok to be boring when you're tired! Better than cranky...

Larissa said...

The sad thing? I'm getting my degree in criminal justice and there already ARE *private prisons* funded by corporations...

So, now knowing this, I'm waiting to hear about Pepsi Prison and IBM Institution breaking ground somewhere nearby... =P

VE said...

Larissa - Man...I want to go to Pepsi prison! I'm already an addict...