Thursday, December 04, 2008

Gollum is Alive and Working as My Grocery Store Checker

As Crotchety Old Man pulls away in the voting I can only say it was a fun campaign. Sure, it's not over but I personally asked almost my entire blog roll to vote and almost everyone came through for me. But I don't have Crotchety's kind of traffic so short of asking all my readers to pimp the vote through their readers...my vote count won't go up much more. I don't like to ask my readers to pimp for me. I did ask three though and matt-man did a full campaign. It was fun...but I feel funny about bursting into his readership with my to-do. It's just me. But let's move on to what I do around here....humor!

My grocery store is a bit strange.

First of all, Gollum works there as a checker!

Ok, I don’t think he’s actually Smeagol because Smeagol melted in a lake of molten lava. That’s the trouble with swimming in molten lava. Sure, there’s more buoyancy than your run of the mill mountain lake but then your skin melts off…

I’m sure it wasn’t his brother Deagol. Poor Deagol was strangled by Smeagol. It’s so hard to keep siblings from fighting to the death these days anyway. No, I think it was his younger brother Beagol. There isn’t a lot written about his other brothers Beagol and Eagol. But that’s a whole separate story.

No, I can’t prove that our grocery checker is actually THE Beagol because his skin is too leathery to take a DNA sample. But damn he sure looks like him.

I’ll give him credit though; he’s a freakin’ fast checker. I always go to his line. While the other checkers are trying to get a price check on the jar of Pigs feet he’s got everything in the store memorized and can hand out stamps and cigarettes and answer the phone, cash in lottery tickets, and solve Sudoku puzzles all at the same time people are flying through his aisle.

For awhile I was concerned because he had this large boil on his head. And it kept growing. And growing. “What is he hatching?” I thought! What if an army of killer Roaches erupts from his head to take over the QFC store while I’m unlucky enough to be in there buying some Coco Puffs?

Sure, I kept some roach spray on me for several months but then one day it was gone….like a big zit that erupted somewhere else and left nearly no trace of it’s former hideousness.

I checked around for roaches. I looked around the strange vegetables that nobody buys; stuff like Leeks and Cardoon. Surely they were hiding there. But nothing! I suspect he’s been slowly smuggling them inside the customer’s bulk trail mix but I can’t prove it.

And don’t even get me started with the rest of the store staff. I guess our neighborhood is just a freak magnet…

44 comments:

Sarah said...

As someone who used to work part-time in a supermarket (not as a cashier) I can say that they do specifically recruit freaks for the front end of the store. My husband finds it hilarious that I have all the cashiers memorized according to how freaky they are. When we approach a line I will shoot him a look and drag the cart 2 aisles over to avoid whatever freak was in that one.

Roy Scribner said...

Puppies and rainbows, puppies and rainbows, puppies and rainbows!

VE said...

sarah - Ha ha. I worked in a supermarket when I was in high school. That alone supports your theory that freaks are hired for such things! But yes, I do the same thing, I assess the options and go for the fastest line...BEAGOL!

roy - Never go to their grocery line though...while cute, they are way too slow...

eve cleveland said...

VE...
I think that fella used to be a sacker at our Piggly Wiggly. Don't let him help you take the bags to the car! In fact, don't write a check or show any ID that may have your address on it, trust me!
Eve

padraig said...

My first job was at a Payless Drug Store. Stock boy, cashier, shopping cart gaucho, you name it.

Grocery store employees have nothing on drug store employees when it comes to the freak, baby.

The Incredible Woody said...

What is this going to say about me? I met my husband, the BAGGER, while on the job as the CHECKER at the Bargain Barn Grocery Outlet!!

Kanrei said...

I am offically no longer hungry. Well done since I am broke right now and have no money for food. Thank you very much! No sarcasm here either.

Kurt said...

He's not ahead by that much right now. Perhaps some offshore voting?

leelee said...

Zipper tongues and photos of boils? No wonder C O M is leading..

perhaps you should be running for grossest blogger of the year...

I Kid, I Kid..you are soooooo funny!

HUGS!

VE said...

eve - Sounds like a story there...perhaps it should be saved for Halloween though...it sounds like it might be scary!

padraig - I gotta give you that. EVERYONE in the drug stores is freaky. Oh, and give the pharmacy companies a few more years and I believe EVERY store will be a drug store.

incredible wooody - FREAKS! FREAKS! ha ha ha You know, I'm very proud to say I worked in grocery instead of food services. I mean who want to work at IHOP and have a kid stick a waffle in your pocket...

kan - Ha ha. Now, now, I just wanted you to appreciate what I was dealing with and visuals have such a way with that

kurt - Ha! Outsource it to all of China and India? That's some good thinking there. Can you translate for me, Mr. World Travel?

leelee - But I regrouped with the puppies and rainbows! You are right though...I've had some whoppers on here in the past year or so. Remember that one of me in the sweater? Yikes.

Chris Wood said...

I had no idea Gollum's family tree was so extensive!

Good call on the killer roaches. Without people like you to point these things out, our survival as a species is limited.

iamnot said...

Heck, we've got female checkers here that don't look that good.

VE said...

chris - I'm watching for them. I've joined several hiking groups in hopes of analyzing their trail mix for killer roaches. Time will tell.

iamnot - You really gotta stop doing your big grocery shopping at 7-11!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Personally I think the 'hire the handicapped' policies of grocery stores is a good thing. Better them there than in restaurant kitchens.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Personally I think the 'hire the handicapped' policies of grocery stores is a good thing. Better them there than in restaurant kitchens.

Todd Camplin said...

GOT MY VOTE! Always a good visit, I will pass your site along so some of my friends will vote for you. Good luck.

ReformingGeek said...

Yeah. That guy's definitely not from Texas. We got all the hot dudes down here. HA!

I mean silly, pimply teenagers as checkers and old farts with thick glasses or young Downs Syndrome adults as checkers. It used to freak them out when I handed them my canvas bags. One guy even asked what he was supposed to do with them. Uh.......

VE said...

prefers her fantasy life - Well you have a good point there. Yes, I'm pretty sure he doesn't wash his hands after going to the restroom. Ewwww....

todd - Thanks for coming by. It has been awhile. I've officially pulled back and am not asking anyone to pimp for me. That is really up to you (or others). But I do appreciate the vote!

reforminggeek - Ha! You should have told him to put it over his head!

Quirkyloon said...

Awwwwwwwww

FREAK OUT!

Le Freak, Le Chic!

Yer too funny VE! I'm glad I don't drink anything while reading your blog, I'm sure I'd have to change each and every morning from snorting out whatever liquid I was trying to consume!

And I love how you were speculating that killer roaches were growing in the boil! Great imagery, just TERRIFIC!!!! hee hee

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I believe he is also the same guy who squirts what people believe to be Mayo on the deli fresh sandwiches.

In actuality it is the rotten pus he squeezed from that growth on his head.

Bee said...

VE, I have to admit to being completely grossed out today!

I hope never to be around your neighborhood.

Thinkinfyou said...

We must live in the same neighborhood,because I've seen that guy before. I find it strange that grocery stores hire people to work the front that make you lose your appetite...doesn't make much sense.

Giggle Pixie said...

I poked...er...voted for you two more times today. You totally owe me big.

I like Starbucks and Panera. And ponies and kittens.

LOLOL

VE said...

quirkyloon - Ha ha. You get 'Best use of a disco song reference' for todays comments! Sweet...

preposterous - Ha ha. Leave it to you to take my gross out one step further! That's not fair, I was eating a taco with SOUR CREAM on it. You can imagine the imagery your little comment created!

bee - Don't worry...I have Bee alerts set in a 100 mile radius. I need to know if you're coming after me so I can reach a minimum safe distance. I installed the technology when I was on the run from Oprah...

thinkinfyou - We might be. Were you the holding up that bank I went by?

VE said...

giggle pixie - Unless you used a different computer for each, it only records the first time you do it. It says right on top that your vote has already been counted. Not that I've...err...tried it or anything.

Jacki said...

Have you been to a Walmart lately? Seems like they always hire one or two "special" people to be cashiers. And they always screw up my coupons.

Quickroute said...

I think acne is a prerequisite for working in a mall - that's what I heard anyways

Micky-T said...

Beagol, .....most definitely looks like a Crotchety Old Man, to me.

Starrlight said...

WTF I thought you said Bethany?! That is pretty out there for the 'burbs. I thought y'all had yuppies and soccer moms out there?

Thanks for the heads up though, I am always by that QFC when I go to my dr's. If Kidlet and I went in there, it would be like the Austin Powers Mole Moment.

Serena said...

I'm pretty sure that's the guy who works at MY grocery store. Good Lord, is there a whole army of them out there?:)

NESSA said...

Can I squeeze it?

Megan said...

I worked at that same drug store that padraig did. His words are true.

Watch out for Beagol. I've seen some meth addicts get growths like that. Might explain the quickness in his movements, as well.

Cheers!

VE said...

jacki - Well of course they do...who else would work for THEM?!!

quickstrike - Damn...I'm passed that phase...no mall job for me...

Mickey-T - THAT's who he is! ha ha

starrlight - Oh, it's very definitely yuppies and soccer moms around here...but I grew up in Hollywood (no, not the California one) so I'm an East side guy at heart. I'm just out here spying on them...

serena - Hey, that's IT! The boil produces more of him. No wonder he's survived all these years...

nessa - Ewwwww

megan - I don't know anything about meth. I've just heard that's its nearly as bad as math. Nearly.

Starrlight said...

Grew up in Eugene, moved here in 88. And I think I have managed to live everywhere but North or NE. But I worked in NE for years. Bess Kaiser all the way.

VE said...

Starrlight - Eugene! Go Ducks...

Alex L said...

How could you let it get that big... I would attacked that with a butter knife by now.

Anette said...

I'm trying not to think of the boil... Trying hard.. and thinking intensly about Gollums family tree!

Matt-Man said...

I dated a chick once who had the identical boil. She was hot. Cheers VE!!

Mother Theresa said...

You don't buy leeks? I do, but after that picture I may never buy them again...I don't think I'll be able to get that image out of my mind. Gross. ;)

VE said...

alex - It's difficult to attack your grocer with a butter knife. They always call the police for some reason...

anette - This is why you should never boil anything too long...

matt-man - Why does that not surprise me? ha ha I'll bet you did!

mother theresa - Only if they're in my water piping. Damn plumbers charge a fortune for leeks!

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

That picture grosses me out! Its one zit I would NOT want to pop. Yuk. The gunk that comes out of that thing could cover New York City.

VE said...

arizona - Try not to look, try not to look. ha ha

Maureen said...

Ewwwwwww.... makes me think of Oogy Boogy from Nightmare Before Christmas... when he gets undone and is full of bugs... gah!

I always avoid one checkout at Safeway; the guy is just weird. He screams at everyone (not mad, just loud) and asks you questions in an accent no one can understand. Very uncomfortable, but at least he is boil-free.

VE said...

maureen - You know...for me... as long as the checker does the job quickly, they can even go on and on about how great George Bush was and I'd still go through the line. Slow me down though...watch out!