Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Secret Santa Gift Swap

Ssssh….

There is a secret Santa swap going on and I was invited. No, the theme wasn’t talking Christmas elves or Santa undies or anything like that. The theme was to buy the best present for another blogger without regard to money.

My duly selected secret Santa receiver is none other than Chris, our very own humor blogger over at Angry Seafood.

What could I get Chris? I immediately went over to adult toys dot com for something Christmassy and naughty. I was pretty sure Chris was on the naughty list. But alas, they were all out of Candy Cane Dildos and blow up Scarlett Johansson Elf dolls. I hate being last to shop!

But then I thought, wait a minute. If money is no object then obviously absolute domination is way more enticing a present. Chris needs world power. And what better way to start toward World power than buying him a country for his own?

I started shopping for countries. Funny…Ebay didn’t have a category for buying countries. None of the incessant catalogs that keep polluting my mail box had any either. Just where do you purchase countries from? I checked a few internet sites like countries-R-Us dot com and such but with no luck.

In the end I sent out the VE investigators who posed as terrorists and unsavory rich people and they came up with a short list.

Russia was on the list. I figured it would be. They’ll pretty much sell off anything for real currency. But I thought it to be a little too cold there for Chris and I wasn’t sure if Vodka was his drink of choice. No…Russia was off my list.

Togo was on the list. I’ll admit to first mistaking this to be “Toga” and thought…”Cool…the party country of the world” But then I corrected myself and sat there puzzled, trying to figure out where Togo actually was. Turns out it’s in Africa. No, I don’t think that’s what Chris had in mind either. Sure, owning and ruling your own country is fun but dealing with Aids and genocide and starvation isn’t. A little too rough for Chris I think…

The United States was on the list. I thought that interesting. The idea here was that since money was no object, I could simply purchase every piece of real estate for sale in the country. Then, I could probably get another 80% of the real estate from greedy Americans just looking out for a buck. By owning 80% of all real estate in the country Chris would in essence own the country! But the purchasing time seemed too long and I hate signing all those forms at the Title company so that was out too.

There were other countries on the list. But I was concerned that there would eventually be some land war and his country would just be overrun. No, Chris needed an out-of-the-box idea here. So I bought him this:


Since it’s in open water nobody can invade it from the land and nobody would bother from the sea. Plus, he can do with it whatever he wants. And since money was no object, I threw in a couple million after-dinner mints. He’ll need a currency you know. After-dinner mints are not only refreshing but they’ll be the perfect future currency. Nobody can resist chocolate and mint to give them fresher breath!

Chris, I hope you enjoy your country and I’ll be looking forward to all the crazy rules you make up for the citizens you choose to live there. If I were you, I’d issue an executive order right away to ban Croc footwear….

Now I’ve got to head over here to figure out who has my gift. You are most welcome to search yourself. Go to our host, Bee to find the names of those participating in this festival. I’m sure they have treated me royally as well! Maybe I’ll get a new gnome!!!!

45 comments:

Bee said...

FIRST!!

Bee said...

Aw man! Chris is sooo lucky! I wish I had my own country where I boss people around and do anything I want... wait a minute! ;o)

That was great VE.

ettarose said...

You did a great job VE. His own piles!

Megan said...

I'm still suffering from the shock of two posts in one day.

I have to go lie down now.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Great gift! Wonder whether Sammy or Dave will do the national anthem.

Serena said...

Wow, Chris is a lucky man. I'd give a lot to have my very own country with a population of gnomes to be subjugated.:)

Gnome Thyself said...

Did you miss the auction for the Illinois seat in the US Senate?

georgie said...

LOL I saw some gnomes a few bloggers back! stoppin by to see if you were my SSCSI partner...crosses you off my list

AngieSS said...

:( I'm searching for my SSCSI gifter and I thought maybe you would be it, but NOoooo....Chris gets a really cool country all to himself!

Ummm, did you think to get him a boat so's he can get there?!!

Jacki said...

Kinda reminds me of a hamster habi-trail thingee....where you can keep adding on.

ReformingGeek said...

@Ve - You have gone too far this time. You've enabled Chris to "tower above" the sharks that you've just jumped.

;-)

*Just Jen* said...

What a great gift! I was looking through the gifts at Bee's site and then read some of your other blogs, I have about pee'd my pants twice now! You are super funny! Happy Holidays!!

The Hussy Housewife said...

Be sure to have Chirs call me for this "Country Warming Party" I wanna come!

VE said...

bee - Yes, you are dictator unto your own! ha ha

ettarose - Piles...I like putting it that way. ha ha

megan - Yeah, but this is my Tuesday post. I thought I'd better post it the night before or half the people on the East Coast wouldn't see my entry into this festival since I post at 7:00am PST

prefers - Probaby Sammy...I'm sure Dave is still living in some rehab somewhere. Probably at the spa retreat with AIG Insurance...

serena - Yeah...that cement slab needs a few gnomes to brighten it up.

gnome thyself - Auction for seat? I never bid on butts...

georgie - I found 'em! And they're MINE!!!!

angiess - shhhhh...there's always a catch....

jacki - Yes, soon he'll have his own waterworld. Maybe even Costner will visit.

reforminggeek - I know...I might have created a monster

just jen - Why thank you. Pants can be washed...you know...eventually...

Matt-Man said...

HA. Funny Stuff. And I have always liked Chris's blog title. Angry Seafood...Yeah, that just feels right. Cheers VE!!

Megan said...

Tuesday's Wednesday's Thursday?

Anndi said...

But did you make him his own flag?

VE said...

matt-man - Yeah, particularly when he throws in a fishing line off that slab...

megan - Gaaaa! I don't know what day it is! That's the trouble when you don't actually ever work. Besides...Tuesday is the new Thursday you know. Or something like that.

anndi - A flag is so individual that I didn't want to infringe on his personal tastes by doing that. In other words...I can't sew!

VE said...

hussy housewife - Hey...you snuck in here without my notice. That's it...the gnomes are grounded! Damn them. Yes...I'll be sure to invite everyone that Chris forgets to invite...

Memarie Lane said...

That's funny, I thought about giving The Daily Egg the same thing, but I wasn't sure if he was the type to get seasick.

Brian o vretanos said...

Brilliant. I'm not sure why more people aren't setting these up - there's so much sea loads of people could have their own countries.

Chris had better get himself sorted out with internet access before he moves in, though - we can't have him missing blog posts...

Quickroute said...

owning a country - nah! too much admin involved - I prefer to just visit countries

Jean Knee said...

I sure hope you sprang for Andes mints and not some generic version

Giggle Pixie said...

Wow, what a perfect choice of country. Although he'll probably want to keep an eye out for Cuban refugees trolling up in their boats trying to claim residency. Overpopulation in a week, I'm telling ya!

lolol

Bunk Strutts said...

And his National Anthem is?

Chris C said...

aww man you shouldn't have!

VE said...

brian - I'm sure there's already some giagantic undersea fiber cable strung through there...all he has to do is secretly tap into it and boom...mega speed access for free!

quickroute - No, no, no. You hire super models for admin work of course. It's his country, he can run it anyway he'd like! Oh, and you can visit too...

jean - Do you think he'll notice if I cross off the generic name and write "Andes" on them with a sharpie?

VE said...

giggle pixie - That's where barbed wire and disco music comes in handy. It wards off the unwanted.

bunk - Probably some Jimmy Buffet song...he must have a seafood one...

chris - You are master of your own domain...wait...didn't that mean something else on a Seinfeld episode?

Sarah said...

His country looks like the beginnings of Waterworld, except hopefully without Costner!

Siren said...

Since he would not want the Candy Cane Dildos can I have them? anyway I hope he can get an ISP there, he can't stop blogging just cuz he has his own country.

Great gift and funny blog be back soon!

Larissa said...

What a fantasstical idea!! You've GOT to love the pillars...pylons... whatever those POSTS are called! Yeah, that's it... posts. Heh.

Chris is *so* lucky. ROFL

VE said...

sarah - Or all those noisy jet skis too...

siren - Alas...the Candy Cane Dildos were sold out when I checked. They seem to be quite popular this time of year...something about them satisfying without a lot of overhead to go with that...I don't understand

larissa - Yes, Chris loves his posts, doesn't he?

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Awesome gift!

lime said...

i'll have to get mr lime on that. he bought me one square meter of queensland, australia. the same year i also got a 49 sq foot cross word puzzle. do the math...

VE said...

Petra - Nothing but the best for Chris...

lime - Have you been to your square meter? Or finished the cross word puzzle?

Marvel Goose said...

VC, you just inadvertently gave Chris an extra gift. As the owner of his own country he gets to use Diplomatic License tags on his car — no more speeding or parking tickets! Maybe he should gift you back with an Ambassadorship.

Chris C said...

While the "gift" swap is a fun thing and we are all joking around this one really is a gift.

The content potential is limitless.

Again thanks VE. Unlike a crocheted bunny costume, I'll be using this gift all year long :)

VE said...

marvel goose - You are so right. I wouldn't mind having diplomatic immunity while driving...

chris - My pleasure. I know how to give BIG! You got the funny going on...

Anna Lefler said...

Oh, man. You are indeed a shopping Jedi.

I hope you get eternal fish-off-the-end rights on that joint.

And I vote YES on the bungee installation!

Awesome.

:^) Anna

Practically Joe said...

Hey ve!
Where did you see that ad for the country To Go?
I'm very interested.
Can it be delivered or do I have to pick it up?

VE said...

anna - Yeah...it'll suck if after all this he charges me to use the bungee or put a line in...

practically joe - You have to go undercover and look unstable for awhile before you get their catalog. But the shipping for these things is murder!

lime said...

i will respond with a double negative to your queries.

Carla said...

Great gift...and those after dinner mints, that just tops it off. Perfect currency.

VE said...

lime - Double negatives make a positive...

carla - Yes, at least if you're gonna waste your money you'll enjoy the chocolaty mint first!

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