There is a secret Santa swap going on and I was invited. No, the theme wasn’t talking Christmas elves or Santa undies or anything like that. The theme was to buy the best present for another blogger without regard to money.
My duly selected secret Santa receiver is none other than Chris, our very own humor blogger over at Angry Seafood.
What could I get Chris? I immediately went over to adult toys dot com for something Christmassy and naughty. I was pretty sure Chris was on the naughty list. But alas, they were all out of Candy Cane Dildos and blow up Scarlett Johansson Elf dolls. I hate being last to shop!
But then I thought, wait a minute. If money is no object then obviously absolute domination is way more enticing a present. Chris needs world power. And what better way to start toward World power than buying him a country for his own?
I started shopping for countries. Funny…Ebay didn’t have a category for buying countries. None of the incessant catalogs that keep polluting my mail box had any either. Just where do you purchase countries from? I checked a few internet sites like countries-R-Us dot com and such but with no luck.
In the end I sent out the VE investigators who posed as terrorists and unsavory rich people and they came up with a short list.
Russia was on the list. I figured it would be. They’ll pretty much sell off anything for real currency. But I thought it to be a little too cold there for Chris and I wasn’t sure if Vodka was his drink of choice. No…Russia was off my list.
Togo was on the list. I’ll admit to first mistaking this to be “Toga” and thought…”Cool…the party country of the world” But then I corrected myself and sat there puzzled, trying to figure out where Togo actually was. Turns out it’s in Africa. No, I don’t think that’s what Chris had in mind either. Sure, owning and ruling your own country is fun but dealing with Aids and genocide and starvation isn’t. A little too rough for Chris I think…
The United States was on the list. I thought that interesting. The idea here was that since money was no object, I could simply purchase every piece of real estate for sale in the country. Then, I could probably get another 80% of the real estate from greedy Americans just looking out for a buck. By owning 80% of all real estate in the country Chris would in essence own the country! But the purchasing time seemed too long and I hate signing all those forms at the Title company so that was out too.
There were other countries on the list. But I was concerned that there would eventually be some land war and his country would just be overrun. No, Chris needed an out-of-the-box idea here. So I bought him this:
Since it’s in open water nobody can invade it from the land and nobody would bother from the sea. Plus, he can do with it whatever he wants. And since money was no object, I threw in a couple million after-dinner mints. He’ll need a currency you know. After-dinner mints are not only refreshing but they’ll be the perfect future currency. Nobody can resist chocolate and mint to give them fresher breath!
Chris, I hope you enjoy your country and I’ll be looking forward to all the crazy rules you make up for the citizens you choose to live there. If I were you, I’d issue an executive order right away to ban Croc footwear….
Now I’ve got to head over here to figure out who has my gift. You are most welcome to search yourself. Go to our host, Bee to find the names of those participating in this festival. I’m sure they have treated me royally as well! Maybe I’ll get a new gnome!!!!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Thunk up by Ed at 9:55 PM