Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Toilet Paper Statistics

Sorry about not replying yesterday...I'll get to it now. I went skiing. Yep, drove right through the entire 'state of emergency' snow ordeal without incident. I must have been born in the wrong place because I have no problem driving in the snow and I actually have a vehicle equipped to do so. I should be in Buffalo or Canada or somewhere. But the skiing was great because almost nobody was there.

Now...without further ado...let's get on to some humor...sheesh...

I was in the bathroom in a public facility the other day. I know, I didn’t want to be but sometimes you can only hold it for so long. Even the extreme pee dance was not going to satisfy this need.

Anyway, while I’m in there writing my name in the urinal, some guy is finishing his business in the stall. He’s unrolling the toilet paper. And unrolling. And unrolling. This went on for the entire time I was in the bathroom.

What the hell? Did he have a heart attack and now the TP is unrolling uncontrollably on top of him? Does his fist look like a Charmin boxing glove or does he look like a newly wrapped King Tut or something?

Come on. That was ridiculous. I did the math…

If he used that whole damn role and it was single ply and he takes one dump a day then he is using 6.5 tons of TP per year.

Let’s assume he lives 80 years. That’s 520 tons of toilet paper.

Now…it takes 17 trees to make one ton of toilet paper. Over the course of his life that’s an astounding 8,840 trees.

Furthermore, if you use a standard 5x5 spacing of trees in a forest then he will need 5 acres of forested trees…

JUST FOR HIS ASS!

And who said math wouldn't come in handy...

28 comments:

Jacki said...

Hahaha....oh my lord. This totally reminds me of a post Peter did on someone in his office flushing the toilet like 8 times...

http://pdyrholm.blogspot.com/2008/12/in-these-times.html

*Just Jen* said...

Maybe he's frightened that poo might break through the paper onto his hand! LOL

Sornie said...

That makes my use of approximately 1/3 roll per movement look tiny.

VE said...

jacki - Wow, it's just like it but from the water angle! He just needed a shot of a lake with a special sign on it... ha ha

just jen - Well God forbid that would happen. That stuff doesn't clean off with soap and water you know. It would be there FOREVER!!! ha ha

Dale said...

You didn't mention that your pee took about 40 minutes though.

Dale said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
VE said...

sornie - See how much you're saving the environment!!!

VE said...

dale - Well I did drink a lot of Pepsi...and it was only 38 minutes.

ReformingGeek said...

Wait a minute! You whizzed for 38 minutes. Wow! Was it off/on or a straight shot? Ha.

Anyway, sounds like that guy may have needed a courtesy flush but then again, the toilet may have sent all that paper back.

VE said...

reforminggeek - Yes, imagine all the water wasted with that clogged toilet then...

Gnomeself Be True said...

Sometimes I hear what sounds like the guy rubbing the paper together between his hands.
This goes on for a very long time. I have no idea what he is doing. Some toilet essential that I never learned as a child?
Am I unhygenic and don't even know it?

Roy Scribner said...

Maybe he was an Idaho Congressman?

Mike said...

Dood.

He was probably having one of those shits where no matter how much you wipe it still comes up dirty.

I fucking hate those.

lime said...

now we women know what you men are doing in there by yourselves. i mean we go to the restroom in pairs and youall wonder. no wonder there is no conversation in the men's room...there's too much mental math going on!

Kurt said...

Another classic photo.

Giggle Pixie said...

Maybe the poor guy needs diapers and can't afford Depends, so he was lining his tighty-whities with somebody's else's TP.

Not that I would ever think of doing such a thing. 'Cause that would be so, soooo wrong.

VE said...

gnomes be true - Errr...I don't think you want to know what he may be doing...

roy - That would explain a lot. They waste a lot of money too so why not TP...

mike - You are cracking me up...pun intended.

lime - Yeah...and the faster you are out of the bathroom the worse you are at math.

kurt - It came out pretty good, didn't it?

giggle pixie - Ha! That's kinds disturbing. Nice job...

Megan said...

Oregonians. Always about the trees.

Chris Wood said...

Bog roll statistics like yours are truly astounding. Maybe we should all do more for the planet and have a dump free day each week.

C'mon, you know it makes sense ...

VE said...

megan - Yep...until they cut them all that is...

chris - I'm gonna start eating slow burning starchy food right away just for the occasion! Thanks

Starrlight said...

That's a lot of ass coverage. It could have been worse. There is some woman at my office building who manages to sound like she is having an orgasm whenever she is taking care of business. It is the single most uncomfortable thing I have ever had to hear.

Serena said...

Incredible! Nobody's butt's that big. I can't do that much Math without having a small stroke, so I'll trust your figures. Do you think maybe he was kidnapped and writing "Help!" notes on the paper?:-)

Beth said...

I'm wondering if your "state of emergency" would equate with our norm. You'd love driving here!

Alex L said...

Maybe he went more than once... saved a couple up and just blasted them all at once...

VE said...

starrlight - Ha! Must be an employee review!

serena - I suspected kidnapping...he's probably an important person. I thought about asking for an autograph...

beth - Toronto, right? I actually have driven there. The snows pretty dry though from what I remember.

alex - Thats not an image I want to try and work through!

Sarah said...

Perhaps the gentleman was simply lining the toilet with paper as his wife taught him to do. All women know you never sit on a public bowl without lining the heck out of it with tons of paper/those weird flimsy cover thingies and then still do a half squat just to be safe!

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