Monday, December 08, 2008

VE Christmas Gifts and a Rudolph Song Analysis

Hey everyone…it’s just about Christmas time! Since VE and the big man (Santa) are very similar (we both only work one day a year), I thought it fitting that I get your Christmas List from you.

Now I am going to have to limit you to a few choices. I don’t have highly efficient elves to create a bunch of stuff for you. I have gnomes and they’ll have nothing to do with actual work and such.

VE will offer you one of the following:

1. A custom gnome photo. You remember the one with Jeff? The one with Chris? The one with them complaining about my vote campaign? You too can have your very own gnome abuse photo custom made for you. Put it on your blog. Frame it. Use it for a post. Hang it up at the post office under the Wanted signs. Whatever you feel appropriate.

2. A custom photo. Call it a grab bag. I’ll find the perfect photo and add some humor to it customized just for you. You’ll never know what you’re gonna get. It might not even be pretty. No…I won’t use zippered tongues or oversized boils. Again, you can do with it what you wish.

3. A post request. That’s right. VE doesn’t open the request lines that often. Here’s your chance for humor on whatever you want it to be on.

Leave your wish in the comments. I'll tally and have all your custom presents ready in time for Christmas. Well...if it's a post, then those will get staged.

Now…on to an actual humor post.

You know, I had a request after the Santa song to address Rudolph. Yeah, what ABOUT Rudolph? Well, I did some analysis of his famous song. Here’s what I think…

Rudolph the red nose reindeer
Had a very shiny nose

Now who interpreted that a shiny red nose implied that Rudolph was a blinkin’ spotlight and could guide someone through a blizzard? I’ve seen some very shiny Candy Apple Red hot rods before and let me tell you, they’d be piled up on the side of the road with the rest of the idiots trying to drive during a blizzard. I didn’t see them beaming a red light from here to China.

And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows

Ok, again, glowing isn’t exactly going to help me get through a blizzard. Nobody ever said “Honey, turn on the ‘glow lights’. You can hardly see the road ahead of you!” No I think glowing is for black lights and potheads not Santa and the largest shipping day on Earth!

All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him Names

See, that isn’t so bad. “Hey, Names, come over here…” Better than a nerdy name like ‘Braindeer’ or something. I wouldn’t mind being called ‘Names’. It sounds like ‘Snakes’ or ‘Bugs’ or something.

They never let poor Rudolph
Play in any reindeer games

What kind of games are these anyway? Barrel of Antlers? Antler Shoes? Roll-the-snowman-down-the-hill-and-make-him-huge? Besides…later on when Rudolph wants to do some internet dating after Clairese takes him for everything he’s got then he can put on his profile “don’t play games”.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Rudolph with your nose so bright
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight

This is ever a source of controversy. The song has foggy and the Christmas show has blizzard. They’re a bit different. Imagine if Santa was based in San Francisco? He’d NEVER get out without Rudolph! I don't think foggy is doing it. I wasn't fooled by that 70s cheesy 'Wildfire' song either when they talked about a 'killer frost'. No, I'm wondering if this isn't just a big exaggeration here. I mean, what did Santa do before Rudolph? You mean there had never been fog that bad? Or a bad storm in the North Pole?

While this song is done, I'm not done with Rudolph. Later in the week I'll give you some insight on what Rudolph does the rest of the year...


United Studies said...

Ooohhh...ooohh...I want a custom photo.

My nose gets shiny, too, but that is after drinking too much wine.

lime said...

i just figured rudolph had a really bad case of rosacea.

as for post ideas...i admitted owning what may be the dorkiest album of all time (well, ok maybe not...i never owned a copy of mr spock's space music, or anything by william really there's plenty of room left at the hight of dorkiness) and i don't think you will ever let me live it down. i want to see the dorkiest phot of you that exists.

I Am Woody said...

Dear VE,

All I really want for Christmas is to eat all that I want and not gain weight and drink all that I want and not be hungover.

The Incredible Woody

Sarah said...

Hmmm..I think I want the custom gnome photo as well!

Anonymous said...

custom photo! please no gnomes, i can't take anymore gnomes!

Anonymous said...

My vote is for custom photo.

I'm so glad you wrote this post. This has been bothering me too for some time.

BTW, the reindeer games? You forgot the most popular one...Red-nose Rover, Red-nose Rover, send Rudolph right over!

heh heh

Ed said...

jacki - You got it. You shouldn't have told me about that drunken shiny nose thing...I might use that!

lime - Ok...I'll look around. I can't top Jeff's mullet photo or anything like that though...Post requests will be placed sometime after Xmas.

incredible woody - As long as it's water and rice'll get your wish!

sarah -'ve asked for it. I'll warn you...they're ornry.

marie - I know how you feel about gnomes. You put up great patience coming around here. You got it.

quirkyloon - Ah ha! How could I forget THAT game? ha ha. Ok, custom photo coming soon.

eve cleveland said...

Oh Goody! It was the gnomes who led me to you in the first place. I can't get enough of the lil fellas. And it is about time someone spoke up for Rudolph.Thanks.

Nessa said...

Hasn't Rudolph been picked on enough? I think he may be suicidal. Do you want to be responsible for that?

I want a gnome - not a gnome photo - but a real live gnome. See what you can do for me, ok?

ReformingGeek said...

What a great idea! I would like a custom gnome photo, Santa VE.

Poor Rudolph and his red nose. Everyone knows (or nose) that he's just got a bad cold. No need for all the drama folks ;-)

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

Do I remember your gnome photo with me?.... I'm still in therapy over that one!!!

And hey... leave my mullet out of this!

Abbie said...

I have to say, I never noticed that the song says fog and the movie has a blizzard. On a different note, why isn't the Garfield Christmas special in your poll? Since you've shown how messed up Rudolph is, I think Garfield should take its place in the poll.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I do believe that reindeer play "Twister" with their formidable antlers...

Serena said...

In deference to my unnatural love of all things gnome, I'd like the gnome photo, please. And if you could make it glow a little, that would be good. And ... it would make me deliriously happy if you'd write a post on what steps the gnome population is taking to survive in the current economy.:)

Anonymous said...

My VE Christmas would be complete if I could have a "best of SPAM" post from you. Not the run-of-the-mill Nigeria get-rich stuff, but some of the truly creative SPAM that actually makes you pause for a second and smirk, before clicking the "Empty" button.

Anonymous said...

Gnomes for me, pleasepleaseplease!!!!

And I snorted out loud at the comment about Rudolph being able to put "don't play games" on his dating profile.

So true, my man. Sooooo true.

Megan said...

I want a post. I have to think of a good topic. Don't wait up...

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I'd like to request a new list.

Either that or a post request having something to do with cotton balls and chili.

No wait! Is it too late to change my post request? I want a post about tar and feathers and Easter bunnies.

No wait! Can I change it again?

Oh, I don't know what I want!

Ed said...

eve - The gnomes are in good spirits right now...for gnomes that is. They like all the red...

nessa - Real gnomes are hard to get. They're usually travelling. But I'll get you a gnome photo as a consolation prize.

reforminggeek - Ok, gnomes it is! Rudolph has had a cold for a LONG time...I don't know...

jeff - But the mullet is the defining standard upon which to rate all embarrassing photos!

abbie - See...nonsense like the fog/blizzard doesn't get by VE! I am boycotting Garfield until the ones in the paper are actually funny again.

pfrankie - Ha! Sounds painful! I like elf bowling though...

serena - For you...sure!

roy - You got it buddy! I'll see what I can dig up

giggle - You need to find my posts about match dot com. I believe the first one is in my best of section and the others are right after that in chronological order. You should get a kick out of those...

megan - Christmas is better hurry up

nanny goats - I'm just gonna make up something highly embarrassing for you if you don't make up your mind...I'll ask the gnomes...they'll know what to do.

Anette said...

I'm dying to know more about the descrete part of the fire brigade, which is called the RFSC (Rescue Fatbellied Santa stuck in Chimneys). I've heard they are very busy around 24/25th of December. Who are they, and how do they do it?

captain corky said...

This year I want to drink Eggnog and sit by the fire while I listen to VE belt out all the classics.

Paddy in BA (Quickroute) said...

Custom photo pls

p.s. I've eaten Reindeer - mmmmmm tasty !

Ed said...

anette - Hmmm...sounds like a conspiracy. I'll send out the investigative staff!

captain corky - Yeah, and you'll need a belt to get me singing out loud these days! Plus, I can't seem to get audio to work from my blog...yeah...I'm that techno-dumb!

quickroute - You got it. Hmmm...taste like chicken?

Carla said...

Gnome photo!!! Love the gnome photos.

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