Wednesday, December 03, 2008

VE's Money Saving Tips in a Tough Economy

Whew. For those of you that voted for me yesterday, I thank you! I went from last place with 2 to first place with 89 as of right now. Crochety Old Man is at 81. I think he has a vote generator machine! I feel like Jerry Lewis after a telethon today though. For some reason my hair is jet black and I talk in a high obnoxious tone.

Those of you I'm still going door-to-door for...just click on the big icon to the right and scroll down and vote. Matt-man is using his power of blog readership to sway would-be voters my way as well. What a freakin' popularity contest. Oh well...once in lifetime I guess. I mean, I never get picked for the team so why not go for it.

Now...on to an actual humor post...that would nice, wouldn't it?

VE's Money Saving Tips in a Tough Economy

Ok, so the economy is in the toilet and your financial health is worse off than national health care. But there are things you can do to save money. Desperate times call for desperate measures. VE is here to help!

Day Care…

You have three options. Continue to pay little Johnny’s Wonder Edu-spa and Advanced Math Retreat Day Care the $800 a day “tuition” so that Johnny can grow and explore to get him ahead in life. Don’t worry about taking him out of this place though; he’ll still flunk out of his high school with the “I don’t care” attitude that is his right as a teenager.

Your second option is to lock him at home and convince him that day is night and night is day and that way you are able to go to your day job while he is sleeping without having to switch to some God awful night job picking your nose in the security booth of Wally’s pawn shop because Grandma went too far by selling her dentures for food money and now wants to break in and steal them back.

Your third and final option is the VE way. That’s right: The mall and shopping stores. With a little simple planning you should be able to secure free day care all year long.

Here’s how it works:

1. Map out all the retail places that have a kiddy day care area.

2. Place little Johnny on a rotation of all said locations. With a large enough rotation they won’t notice that you keep bringing him there.

3. As an added security, be sure to pick him up at lunch and then bring him back with a different look (or use a relative). This will ensure you don’t exceed any time constraints.



Food and Entertainment…

These can be expensive. Head down to the nearest Costco or Walmart for the evening. The video games are free as samples, the TVs are always on and there are enough to rotate through without being noticed. Plus, there are plenty of snacks; just be sure to schedule the event during their free samples times and then have all the family members make rounds periodically.

Special VE Tips:
1. Layer your clothing and wear a reversible jacket so you can maximize the free samples area.

2. Never slide over the lazy boy chair (or any chair) in front of the TV area. They’ll catch you for sure. Instead, use the disabled carts available for shoppers. It scares the employees to challenge you for fear of litigation.

Yard Cleanup…

Does your overpriced mansion have too big of a yard to have all the leaves removed? Take advantage of the boy scout food drives. Bring the Ford F350 with the 36 plastic bags full of leaves and give the boy scouts a single can of Niblets corn in exchange for unloading all of the bas and getting rid of them for you. Even though all the sedans in front of you are giving them a single bag of leaves along with a can, be sure to point out “Hey, they’re Niblets…nothing but the best!” to counteract any hostility or ill will.


Look for my new book “VE tips for the recently broke” in expensive coffee shops very soon…

59 comments:

Chris Eldin said...

AHAHAHAHA!
I love Costco snacks.

Quirkyloon said...

Wow VE, thanks for the tips!

Yes the rotating kiddy care map is going to come in quite handy!

You are too much!

AND...my boy is one of those scouts beggin' fer yer niblets!

VE said...

chriseldin - Costco - It's what's for dinner! ha ha. Yes...they hate me...

quirkyloon - Well then he probably loves me and my 45 bags of leaves for a can of Niblets!

MJ said...

My gym membership is only $35 a month, and that includes some free day care when I'm working out. I'm sure people could figure out how to abuse that....

Matt-Man said...

I can hear you saying in a high toned voice and jet black hair saying," Hey Laaaady!". I like the reversible jacket tip. I'm gonna use that. Cheers VE!!

Sornie said...

The day care tips really hit home for me. I'm dropping off my three-week-old at Chuck E. Cheese on Saturday so I can get a break.

VE said...

mj - Sure...You live in a tent behind your friends expensive house and then shower at the gym. User their day care too. $4000 mortgage payment per month or $35 membership...you decide...

matt-man - Reversible jackets are very handy. They're good for exiting relatives-you-don't-like homes without being noticed...

VE said...

sornie - Glad I could provide you with sound kid advice. Go get a nice massage from Hans the wonder-man on Saturday!

The Incredible Woody said...

I love those disabled carts at Costco. I drove one around while I was on crutches. Everyone jumping out of your way - priceless!

Practically Joe said...

Ow! Ooooo! Oh! Ouch!
I stopped taking my pain meds for the sake of clarity just to cast my vote in your direction over at Humor-Bloggers.
Ow! Eye-yie-yie! Ohhhh!
Your welcome!

Jacki said...

It's sad to think that we are saving $300/week by me not working. Day care is freaking ridiculously expensive!

Wegman's has great samples, too. You can eat a full meal there, no problem.

Oh -- and I did vote for you. ;-)

VE said...

incredible woody - They're fun for sure. I like to bring my big Oooga horn to clear the path...

practically joe - The sacrifices you have made to help me! Now get well or get laid. Hope it's the ladder! Get it? Ladder? Yeah, I didn't think you'd find that funny.

jacki - I knew you'd come around! It's not like your number 4 on my long blog roll for no reason! I like the thought of getting paid not to work...

ReformingGeek said...

Love it!

How about bring your kid to work day? Ha! At my old company, they had to specifically say over and over again, you CANNOT bring your child into the work areas and that included nights and weekends.

VE said...

reforminggeek - One of my favorite Dilbert comic strips has Dogbert saying to the boss "Here's my Final Plan for the Company's Day Care Facility". Then in the next square he says "I call it Free Range Day Care. The children are allowed to run free amoung the cubicles. It's very economical". The last square you see two kids staring behind Dilbert with one saying to the other "I don't believe he's an evil troll" and the other saying "Look at the Powerpoint slides he's making. It's not human"

NESSA said...

The childcare idea and the Costco idea work for old folks too. Rather than spend money on an old folks home, dropping your folks at the mall for entertanment and at SAM's for mealtimes. And if you are really smart you'll get them a job at an all night Walmart - no housing costs, they'll earn some bucks and get a company discount. One has to save inheritance money somehow.

Memarie Lane said...

you'd be frightened to know how many people really do this. i complained to the mall once because their play area is wide open, which means i have to constantly chase my kids to keep them inside it. they said they used to have a gate on it but people would just leave their kids there unsupervised and go shop.

Kanrei said...

Kanrei's Counter Money Saving Tips for the Pessimistic:

Day Care: Have no kids

Food and Entertainment: eat crap and be easily amused

Yard Cleanup: Concrete

VE said...

nessa - Ha ha. You are so right. Plus, I once blogged about this really rocky hiking trail with steep drop offs we have around here. People had their grannies out there! My reasoning was that they it was the economy based way of getting rid of the old folks. If they made it up the trail and back, they were still competent to live alone. If they didn't, well, it saves on a retirement home and funeral services!

marie - I just lock mine in the mall restroom and then put the "Under repair" sign out front. That's good for three or four hours...

Thinkinfyou said...

Always helping the masses,VE! It's quite nice of you,and enough that you earned my vote! Good Luck!!!

Megan said...

No lie - I know a person that lived in his car and showered at the gym for a while.

No, it wasn't me. Although I've come close a few times!

colbymarshall said...

I want to know the difference between NIblets and regular corn.

leelee said...

I'm pimpin; for you over at my blog as well. Last time I checked you were up to 100!!! I'm pretty sure all 7 of my readers will vote for you....they will, that is if they want to remain my friend.

I really like your money saving tips..I think a can of niblets( I love that word) can get you almost anything...its worked for me.

HUGS!!

VE said...

thinkinfyou - Wow, that's all I had to do to earn your vote? I got off easy. The rest of them I had to do chores for them...

megan - Errr...sorry about hanging around and doing that for those couple of years. Oh wait, were you referring to me?

colby - What? You dare to question Niblets? It's like comparing Nike shoes to sneakers. It's a brand name. Nuff said!

WA said...

I feel richer already. Thank you.

Giggle Pixie said...

Those day care tips? Pure genius, my friend.

Giggle Pixie said...

Oh, and I just "poked" you again. Was it good for you?

:-)

Kurt said...

You're still in the lead. I may have voted for you again, but I won't swear to it.

VE said...

WA - I'm sure the MAN will find a way to tax you more for it too...

giggle - I always love a good poke!

kurt - I believe people with split personalities are qualified to vote more than once. Not that I'm suggesting anything here...

Kanrei said...

Leelee and I have been ignored by VE! Let's protest! Everyone else gets a personalized response, but not your oldest (longest time reading and not age) readers. Bah! Where is that Amy chick's blog? Maybe she needs a new reader! LOL! Kidding!

VE said...

kan - ha ha. I don't know what happened. You both commented while I was blabbing away with responses. I'm my own worst enemy. I hate me... I like your advice though. Concrete is always the solution!

leelee - Awww, how did I miss you two. Yes, I see you are using the age old Niblets technique. I am so proud! That crotchedy old man guy, he keeps getting votes! I'll bet he's going from retirement home to retirement home. Damn him! Thanks for passing the word!!!

K9 said...

what an interesting situation -a vote for you and the grinch all on one page! grrerhahahaa there are DAY CARE centers in stores? dear God they'll do anything to get you in debt. i would be wary of the samples at costco. the zombie cold incubai stroll about shedding disease. avoid with extreme prejudice! instead, hijack a boy scout food drive truck. i hear they carry niblets even after 6 pm!

leelee said...

total Diss!

HUGS!

scarlet-blue said...

There my sweet niblet, I've done the voting thingy!
Sx

micky-t back from over yonder said...

It scares the employees to challenge you for fear of litigation.
LMAO

unfinishedrambler said...

I think I'm going to have let my sister know about your childcare services. I don't know what she will think, but already I think it sounds like a great idea.

captain corky said...

I really like the VE Way Day Care System. I was raised at the mall and I turned out just fine...

As for things like yard clean up and even credit repair, I look towards the Scrooge model and let TIME erode both at no cost to me.

The Hussy Housewife said...

LOVED IT!!! Great tips. Love the daycare idea..can I use it if I am stay at home mom? I just won't tell the hubby. Love Costco treats!

Jess Riley said...

Just voted...you're kicking ass and taking names!

Jess Riley said...

Just voted...you're kicking ass and taking names!

Johnny Virgil said...

woo! I voted too. Your daycare idea is awesome.

Starrlight said...

Costco owns =)

Sunshine said...

I am here.. what is my destiny? and hon, you made it on the blog roll... (( kiss kiss ))

VE said...

k9 - Are you suggesting that the grinch and I have a lot in common? Ok! I don't know about truck-jacking the boy scouts. Their motto is be prepared and with all the guns in schools these days, I fear they might be heavily armed. I'll risk zombie germs instead.

leelee - But I recovered well... can I get half credit?

scarlet-blue - Thanks dearie...I love it when you call me sweet Niblet. The wife...not so much...

micky-t - The important thing is always how to make the system work to your advantage!

unfinishedrambler - Hey, I'm such a giver...if it benefits her, I've done my job. If it doesn't...I'll find somebody to blame...

captain corky - Wow, a living proof that my day care plan works! I'm glad you can hold the course on the other two. Some are just not as hardy and need instant gratification. I mean what if the Jones next door were to see all those leaves still there. The neighborhood shame...

hussy housewife - That's the best time to use it. You go get massages and pampering and then make the hubby feel guilty and have hime pick up slack around the house! Husbands hate my ideas!

jess riley - I try not to kick a lot of asses. I'm no brown toe, you know.

johnny - Woo hoo. If I can get your vote I might as well go after Dave Barry or Jay Leno or something. Thanks, my man!

starrlight - I'm actually living in a storage shed they are selling over at Costco. Don't tell anyone. It's a good gig until spring because NOBODY looks at them in the winter.

sunshine - Woohoo. Your destiny is to vote for me in the humor blogger of the year contest. Link below my icon picture. Come on, jump on the bandwagon. We're having fruity rum drinks. The umbrellas are on me!

Serena said...

Thanks for the cost-cutting tips. In this sucky economy, every snip counts. I'm hoarding the Niblets, though; the Boy Scouts can eat turnips. If I had kids, I'd sure use your alternative daycare system. A dollar saved is another can of Niblets. Sorry, I just love saying that word.:)

Starrlight said...

Well for your sake I hope you are at the one in SE ;)

Roy Scribner said...

Uh, you mean we're not supposed to leave our kids home alone? Oops.

Hedon said...

Those are some excellent tips, VE.

I have another one for the brave -- become a trucker. You can bring your kids with you and pretend it's for the "real life experience." If you're out in the west on an empty interstate, you can even let the older kids drive for a while so you can catch a nap.

No rent, no daycare, no leaves. Course you do have to pay for showers at truck stops, but most truckers just skip them so you're not even out anything there. Besides, some rest areas have a little creek off to one side so you can clean up and do laundry over there in the creek if you're feeling fancy.

VE said...

serena - Yes, Niblets is fun to say. There's something naughty about the word...

starrlight - SE? Hey...you're local! That means you know about Powells and the Church of Elvis and Kennedy School, etc.

roy - No way, remember that movie? They trashed the place!!

VE said...

Hedon - I've often wondered about that. But I'd hate to have to put chains on and I'd just want to play "Duel" all the time...

Starrlight said...

Hah! My ex husband married his volkswagen van Lily to a VW bug!

Yes local. Lived in SE...Felony Flats no less. Now in Hillsburrito ;)

Megan said...

Dude, the crazy car yelling oldster has got somethin goin on.

I am off to 'release the hounds!'

Mike said...

If I ever have children I'm going to save on daycare by building a velcro room, putting velcro suits on the children, and then putting a trampoline in said velcro room.

Easy.

VE said...

starrlight - Ah, Hillsburrito! Now see, I live over in the Bethany area. Very close! Now we can have secret local jokes that everyone else will be going, huh?

megan - That's the trouble with the older baby boomer generation...there are too many of them to compete with! I gave it a good shot!

mike - Now that's my kind of thinking there! I applaud you for the ridiculousness of it! Or the sensibility of it...

Starrlight said...

Ohh, insider lingo!

VE said...

starrlight - Yeah...sort of like havin' a Ruby at Corneleaus Roadhouse under the Imbrie Barn...who else is gonna know THAT!

Starrlight said...

I can SPIT on the Roadhouse from where I live. I remember the good old days when McMen's was still cool. Now it is McBeer. I want Maid Marion, Purple Haze and Philosopher's Stone beer back!

VE said...

starrlight - It is McBeer these days. I still hang out that the Rock Creek one on occasion just for the atmosphere. The Roadhouse is a bit too big for me.

Starrlight said...

The Roadhouse if pretty much an Intel facility these days. Seriously, my ex is Intel Man. They refer to it as RH 1, like they call Jones Farm JF and Hawthorne Farms HF. So yes, it is riddled with Geek ;)

I like the Rock Creek one a lot. Helvatia Tavern rocks for burgers and cheap beer too!

VE said...

starrlight - I agree with you there. You'll find me at Rock Creek fairly often. I used to love Helvatia but it's so popular now. Sometimes it's hard to get in the door!