Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Most Secret Society

Ssssh…

I’ve uncovered a secret society. It’s really, really secret.

More secret than Dick Cheney’s stuffed spotted owl collection…

More secret than Ralph Nader’s latest Victoria Secret purchase so he could ‘walk around in women’s underwear’

More secret than the NSA putting cameras into all televisions and computer monitors ever sold so that some analyst can watch you as you hitch up your left breast because it doesn’t seem to be keeping up with right breast in the fight to defy gravity and determine if your actions warrant a national security threat.

Ever get snow?
Freezing Rain?

Ever wonder why there are all these idiots out driving stupid during these times?

Well…it’s a secret society. That’s right, for over a hundred years this society has recruited and called to duty seemingly normal people for the express purpose of creating mayhem on the nation’s roads during inclement weather.

They are equipped with Buicks and Chevys and small, light pickups with wide wheels. When they get the call that inclement weather is happening in their area then they risk their lives and go out to behave stupidly.

Some of them are mobile. They’ll suddenly appear in a small town or along a stretch of forested highway where you wouldn’t expect a lot of bozos. It’s just the kind of dedication they swear an oath to when they join.

You probably know some of them. They are among us but sworn to secrecy. The first rule is to not talk about the society. The second rule is to not talk about the society. The third rule is to stop repeating rules (but that’s not important here).

48 comments:

Chris Wood said...

So! You have them in the US too ...

They're bigger than I thought.

Roy Scribner said...

The cat's out of the bag after that book by Dan Brown; Da Imbecile Code.

Memarie Lane said...

I remember a friend once telling me that she was slipping and sliding all over the icy road trying to drop her daughter off at day care one morning. I asked why she was driving in that and she said, "well I had to get to work!" Isn't your life, and your kid's, a little more important? Just a little?

Quirkyloon said...

VE you left out the part where each member gets lifetime supply of Depends undies. Afterall, the way they are driving surely makes them wet their pants!

I don't know those Depends undies are sounding better and better to me!

The Incredible Woody said...

I really don't know what you are talking about.....

VE said...

chris - I'm sure they started from YOUR country. I mean...you drive on the wrong side of the road after all! ;)

roy - Ha! Good one. Is Tom Hanks going to iron his hair straight and star in that one too?

marie - Yeah...it's hard to keep your job when you're DEAD!!!!

quirkyloon - Ha! Of course they use them...that's the real secret reason why adult diapers stay in business...the old people don't have any minds...they don't care where they go...

incredible - Ah ha. You're a chapter president I see...

Elizabeth said...

I would have to say, since I live near a highschool, that many of these members are between the ages of 16-18!

Beth said...

We have a (not so) secret society like that in Canada. In order to belong, you must drive on snow and ice-covered roads without snow tires or four-wheel drive. What are these people thinking??

Anne said...

How much are society dues?

padraig said...

There is at least one inner circle in this society as well.

It requires a much higher dedication to training; more than this, it requires innate talent surpassing the top one-half of one-percent of society members.

These people are hand picked to travel to Los Angeles and muck up traffic during light rain.

leelee said...

I just knew it had to be an organization...because it never fails..they're out there..and we don't even have freezing rain or snow...they do the same thing in regular rain down here..I've actually seen them out in a hurricane (from the safety of my home I assure you) driving down the street while trees, shrubs and backyard sheds are flying about..

amazing! and they never seem to get injured!

Giggle Pixie said...

I can't be certain, but I think their headquarters is here in Northern Indiana.

lime said...

i think the chapters in our area may have grown so large as to not allow for secrecy simply by sheer volume of activity. we have a statistically significant cluster of stupidity here.

Kevin John said...

VE,I couldn't agree more with your assertion that some people should just not be allowed to keep using valuable resources(like oxygen).

How can a person jump into a 4000lb vehicle and *blast-off* down the road during a snowstorm without a good reason?

Like running out of beer...
That's a good reason.

Jacki said...

I have often wondered why there seems to be more people on the road when the driving conditions are less than optimal. Now I know.

ReformingGeek said...

You may be on to something. I think it started in Utah where the talking heads had to tell people driving SUVs over and over again that the roads are ICY and that you really don't have an advantage and SLOW DOWN. Did they listen? No.

They did their secret handshake and go out there pedal to the medal. Cops pull them over and give them a not-so-secret piece of paper.

The Self-Deprechaun said...

They hit the roads when an inch of snow comes b/c they are racing to the stores to clean them out of water and bread b/c obviously it's an emergency. D'oh. that's one of the secrets of the society. Now, I'm going to get excommunicated.

MJ said...

Wow. That actually explains a lot about where I live...

Megan said...

No, no, Padraig. L.A. is their CAMPUS.

*Just Jen* said...

I have seen this oh so many times when I lived in Alaska. The funny thing IS, that people think that 4-wheel drive means they won't slide around! DERRRRRRRR!!!

VE said...

elizabeth - yes, you are seeing new members in training...and it's not pretty

beth - The more stupid the incident, the higher they ascend in the society...

Very little...they get kickbacks from the towing companies and auto repair industry...

padraig - Los Angeles is the vacation ground of this society (sort of like Nascar is for rednecks) and they're allowed free-form creativity for mayhem there.

leelee - Hurricane driving is a coveted vacation destination for society members...

giggle pixie - There are many headquarters. They're set up in cells...just like terrorists...

lime - They're probably vying for a stupidity award...the Academy Awards for the society...

kevin - Beer is a motivation for those unwilling to contribute to the society...

jacki - And then there are all the would be copy cats too...

reforminggeek - But the judge is in the society and they don't actually pay. It's all a conspiracy...

self-deprechaun - Yes, the run on key food items was part of a voted-on agenda on how to create other mayhem to go with the driving. It's slowly grown into a terrific side mayhem act.

mj - They are everywhere!

megan - Good use of western business lingo there...

VE said...

just jen - The common misconception that Alaskans can drive in snow was originally created by them! They quickly set up chapters there to disprove the theory. All just for fun...

Uncivil said...

I saw a bunch of those folks on the way to work this morning!

Janna said...

And here I thought it was just a Michigan thing....

My {S.T.U.F.F.} :: said...

...So that explains all of the Chevy trucks parked in the 'Board of Directors' parking slots...hm-m-m-m

Serena said...

Ha! I know people who are members of that secret society. Now that we know who they are, I say we round 'em all up and send them to driving school.:)

angie said...

I'm pretty sure it started in Utah too. :)

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

It may have started in Utah, but it spread to Chicago!!!!

VE said...

uncivil - They're everywhere...you probably work with some of them

janna - It's bigger than you tought!

my stuff - Yes...they buy stupid cars too...

serena - It wouldn't help...it's a lifetime vow...

angie - Up there with Mormonism if that's so...

arizona - It's everywhere!!!

Starrlight said...

True, very true, but I gotta say nothing makes me giggle more than the slightly dazed look on the yuppy soccer mom's face after she has put that SUV into a ditch =)

Kurt said...

We had three people in a row brake too fast and slide into someone on our street the other day. The police closed the street for "safety," but all the other streets are just as icy.

yellojkt said...

Four wheel drive does not repeal the laws of physics.

Most people learn that the hard way.

Alex L said...

I'll be one the lookout but I doubt we have to many of them here.

Anne said...

If you don't reply to us in the comments, does that mean they don't count on our tally?

VE said...

starrlight - It's almost worth it for that, isn't it?

kurt - They were probably all related...

yellojkt - You don't see a lot of physics lawyers defending that law, do you? It sorta works itself out all on its own...

alex - Well...you have a point there. You probably just have the stupid American tourist out for a ride in the Outback without any liquids...

anne - Naw...just means I'm lame and forgot or overlooked somebody...

Jaime said...

glad you explained this... maybe now that i have an explanation for the idiots who forget to drive in any type of bad weather, they won't piss me off so much.

nah!

Dee said...

Numskulls! Secret society of Numbskulls!

gab said...

I worry so much during the winter about Mr Gab as he drives out there for a living. He's not OTR any more but just around the cites here and over into WI. Still you never know. Thing I dont understand? Most of these people have lived where there is snow every single winter yet they just dont drive like they should they drive like its still summer! Ding dang doodles! lol

Carla said...

They must be taking over the world. Crazy weather, bozos on the road. Yep, lots of that.

VE said...

jaime - You should revel in their skill at looking stupid...

dee - Numskulls scoiety is a rival society...they just plain can't drive...

gab - It's that "snow" mentality. Like a little kid with a sled...

carla - All this global warming is helping them take it over too...

Gladys said...

Since I have arrived in Moantana I have seen many who are members of this society. They are the guys driving the 4 wheel drive lifted trucks with the tire's with the spikes in them. They have a trailer attached to the rear of the truck with 16 snowmobiles on it and they are driving on ice going 80 miles an hour weaving in and out of traffic. Yeah they are a rowdy bunch here in Montucky.

Bazza said...

I really must come here earlier. What Chris said in comment number 1

Mrs. R said...

You call it a secret society, other people call it Minnesota...

VE said...

gladys - They are a special for-show unit of the society...

bazza - Scary that it is seeping out to the rest of the world

mrs. r - Well we'd like to keep that one secret if we could

Maureen said...

Oh silly Yanks... I am sorry, but I sometimes giggle at some of the news reports of havoc when you guys down south get a sprinkling of snow (yeah, I know YOU get more, I'm talking about other states, okay???) Driving in blizzards and six foot drifts are a way of life up here.

VE said...

maureen - Are you living with Penguins? That shouldn't be a 'way of life'! ;)

Mrsupole said...

Shhhh, why are you letting all of our secrets out. I knew there was a reason I had to come back to these posts. Stop, stop. You have been warned.

#11.

God bless.

VE said...

mrsupole - It's ok...nobody but you knows I have archives of posts... Remember, I am always last...