Wednesday, January 28, 2009

That Bizarro Spam List

Some of you might have noticed that I got spammed last Wednesday. Just one bizarre comment, nothing across my entire library 650 some posts fortunately. It was from anonymous and it was a list of links. And surely VE can’t resist the temptation to mess with the list.

Here’s the full list: abrasion micro, corrections medicine, waterproof jacket, engine air,
leaning , linseed oil, mls silver, channel purse, american home, avaya messaging, mini computers, marlboro trade, high, cigarette filters, cards, jets pizza, xanax time, notre dame, corduroy, mecca free, silver aquarius, free online, men, black diamond, alabama telco, cheap nice, vibration monitors, kent moore, mistletoe, shower head, taurine, handbag purse, golf game, sage xp, utah warm, all American, band exercises, goodall david, maxfli shark, oil palm, element, kawashima azumi, sex snake, pizza slice, organic pesticides, exclusive making, peter kent, xi computers, compound bow, spring ford, rules, sobriety xanax, next day, buy loss, handbag unique

So…here are my definitions/comments to their bizarro list (I didn’t include them all but feel free to take on some of your own):

abrasion micro – Dragging your laptop down the sidewalk is a sure way to create these

corrections medicine – The doctor prescribes these when the last medicine he prescribed turned your face into an allergic ridden cauliflower.

engine air – Like engine gasoline, engine air is an important commodity that the government can tax and companies can charge whatever they want for. A black market will spring up as a result and you’ll find shady characters sucking air into canisters as they are walking around. Report them immediately.

leaning - Like learning…but half the calories

linseed oil - Has anyone ever actually grown a lin with these seeds? They always seem to be made into oil.

avaya messaging – A service that hires people to go find you and relay a message from your spouse. When they find you they say “avaya Mr. Smith….your wife says your belongings are on the front lawn…avaya”

marlboro trade – A secret society that have been trading Marlboro cigarettes to addicted smokers for their cars, their gold, their properties, their Hello Kitty collections; you name it.

jets pizza – When the members of the Jets grew up and couldn’t brawl, sing or dance anymore they opened up a pizza parlor. It’s now world famous.

xanax time – This would be what others call ‘working hours’


mecca free – You’ll see these stickers on certain buildings and public spaces. It’s the inveserse of mecca in that Muslums, by law, are not permitted in these spaces.

alabama telco – This is an oxy-moron. Like there would actually be telephones in Alabama. Ha!

vibration monitors – These are special devices designed to turn off your vibrator in the event that it should spontaneously get turned on in the airport or during a family get together; both of which cause much embarrassment and hassle.

shower head – A debilitating disease where one’s head forms into a shower spigot and water begins to drip from it. Unless addressed early, nothing can prevent the persons head from a full on shower of fluids resulting in wet clothing and wrinkly skin.

handbag purse – This is a purse designed for you to put your hand bag in and carry around

band exercises – Special exercises band members must do while on the road to prevent themselves from becoming Meatloaf and singing about Bats out of Hell and such.

exclusive making – It’s very difficult to make exclusive. You only get one shot at it…

peter kent – Clark Kent’s secret brother that went into the porn business.

compound bow – Prisoners must wear these anytime they leave their cells and head toward the compound. It’s the institution’s way of adding tradition and elegance to murderers and rapists…

spring ford – Every spring Ford makes a limited run of an extra special stupid car for consuming zealots. Sort of like the bock beer movement but not as enjoyable.

sobriety xanax – Should you ever find yourself sober, particularly while working, you will need this.

41 comments:

lime said...

i thought marlboro trade was an example of the currency used in prisons.

Quirkyloon said...

You always make lemonade out of the lemons...VE!

Sweet!

I want me some xanax time!

Quirkyloon said...

You always make lemonade out of the lemons...VE!

Sweet!

I want me some xanax time!

Scott said...

Where can I get some sobriety Xanax?

Beth said...

Spam makes for some great blog fodder.
(I noticed you stayed clear of "sex snake.")

VE said...

lime - I believe it is...but then again, I've never been to prison

quirkyloon - Is there something else I can make lemondade out of?

scott - Ask your doctor if reality is right for you...

beth - Ha! Yes I did stay clear. You or anyone else is welcome to take a shot at it.

Jaime said...

i'm sensing a trend on this list between "oil palm," "sex snake" and men. this wasn't really spam but a list of someone's favorite porn sites, right?

*Just Jen* said...

Where can I buy one of those vibration monitors? I'll put it in my handbag purse with the vibrator and sobriety xanax!

The Incredible Woody said...

I totally went down the wrong road with "shower head".....

Roy Scribner said...

Shoot, VE I spam you every day!

ReformingGeek said...

Peter Kent is actually supposed to be Peter Can't. Alas, poor Peter.

Anne said...

ah, the dictionary 0' VE

better 'n the urban street lingo site.

Memarie Lane said...

reminds me of a joke my brother (a mechanic / engineer) used to play, telling people they need to check their headlight oil more often.

Gnomeself Be True said...

Shower head...
Oral sex under running water, at least that's what I always thought.

Giggle Pixie said...

Finally! That Marlboro secret society has been OUTED!!!

leelee said...

See little do those spammers know...they are providing you with fodder..er..I mean ideas for your blog...its a win/win situation!

HUGS!!

The Incredible Woody said...

Gnomeself Be True - I'm glad I'm not the only one that went there!!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

So by your definition of Xanax, I guess I'm working all the time. Sounds about right.

Kurt said...

I found those links very helpful, and I am already enjoying my new sex snake.

Gladys said...

compound bow – Prisoners must wear these anytime they leave their cells and head toward the compound. It’s the institution’s way of adding tradition and elegance to murderers and rapists…

Would this be the same bow that Aretha wore to the egg-nog-eration?

I got one once that promised a me a bigger deck. Now I'm all for big decks. I love big decks. I mean there is nothing I love more than a big deck. I love sitting in the summer breeze eating off a big deck.

Starrlight said...

Where do these Xanax Time people work??!

As for shower head, my mind went right to the gutter. In my defense I did just watch 40 Year Old Virgin ;)

Chris Wood said...

My doctor is always turning my face into allergy ridden cauliflower, damn him!

Maureen said...

Oh, man. The spammers are gonna love you now!

Serena said...

I am a little disappointed that you didn't define "sex snake." So many possibilities. Damn spammers. I am thankful every day for the process of natural selection. I think spammers are next on the list.

angie said...

Very helpful. Thanks! :)

unfinishedrambler said...

Is Xanax Time like Hammer Time, only in slow motion?

colbymarshall said...

Wait...sobriety xanax? Is that an oxymoron?

Elizabeth said...

kawashima azumi, I think I had that for dinner yesterday. Or God Bless You. One of the two.

yellojkt said...

A maxfli shark is someone who makes a living hustling maxfli games in a masfli parlor.

Jeff said...

You're too funny. EVERYTHING is potential material for you.

Of course I wouldn't have it any other way. :-)

Alex L said...

Sobriety xanax- Sober while working... ha, you really don't know who your dealing with do you.

Janna said...

You said:
"Has anyone ever actually grown a lin with these seeds? They always seem to be made into oil."

That was such a good question that I actually googled it.

Apparently Linseed oil is the same thing as flaxseed oil.
And at least I've heard of flax.

Stop making me learn things.
It's past my bedtime.

VE said...

jaime - It might be...I was too afraid to click on them for fear of my computer exploding from some damn virus...

just jen - Sounds like you're just one VE product away from nirvana!

incredible woody - "Went down" the wrong road. I get it

roy - I've recommended you to spam anonymous...

reforminggeek - A peter is a terrible thing to waste...

anne - Yes, VE has his own words and meanings and sometimes even he doesn't know what they mean

marie - Ha! My cousin once got sold a transistor for his engine...

gnomeself be true - Where ya been? That's a sensible definition! Well...I like it that is...

giggle pixie - Sooner or later everything gets outed. The neighbor just outed their cat this morning...

leelee - I think I'm winning though...I never clicked their links...

prefers her fanatasy life - I try and preach the ways of no work with a paycheck but so few really reach the nirvana...

kurt - Excellent choice. And that's all the information about that I want to know!

gladys - Decks are quite handy. My deck is built and I enjoy it on a regular basis...

starrlight - See...there's the gutter people crowd and the non-gutter people crowd. I'm not judging, I'm just calling them as I see 'em. 40 year old Virgin doesn't help your case either...

chris - Ask your doctor is a tangy dressing is right for you...

maureen - I say, Spam on. They don't bother me...

serena - I think that was the problem, Sex Snake was just too tempting...

angie - I see your already looking for sobriety xanax...

unfinished rambler - Ha! I suppose so. I just thought it was the sequel to Xanadu

colby - No, it's a complete moron!

VE said...

elizabeth - I'm sorry...I hope you took some pepto afterwards...

yellojkt - Ha! I'm glad you covered that one because I had no clue...as usual

jeff - Yes...everything is potential material when you deal in nonsense and hang out with gnomes!

alex - Nope...no clue at all!

janna - Interesting...now what the hell is a flax? Have you ever seen a flax growing? "Look at my lovely flax I planted in the front yard...." I think not.... But I'm glad your looking these things up. Somebody has to!

Starrlight said...

But the rent is so CHEAP in the gutter ;)

VE said...

starrlight - Until you get washed away that is...

Carla said...

Getting spammed, sounds kind of like getting a pie in the face. Yah, noticed that comment.

VE said...

carla - Well if it's a pie flavor I like...

Uncivil said...

Catching up is hard to do?

VE said...

You got that right!

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