Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Things I Learned When I was Single

You know, I was single there for two years and without a wifey-poo around to handle my every need I had to suddenly do things on my own. And I learned a few things during that time…

You can’t use the iron to straighten the curls on a poodle

You can mess up boiling water. Leave it unattended for like 4 hours while you are perusing internet dating sites and it will eventually all boil out. The pan will then become red hot and unless you are planning on forging elvish rings it won’t be usable for the next 72 or so hours.

There’s actually a toilet brush in those pole thingys in the bathroom! They were too big for my teeth so I used it to clean the barbeque grill. They don’t last very long cleaning the grill for some reason though.

If you leave dishes long enough you can actually vacuum them when the water is shut of from forgetting to pay the bill.

Just because you can get your entire wardrobe into the washer doesn’t mean you should.

Leftovers that become “long forgottens” should NEVER be opened to see what is inside. It’s better to simply throw the container away too. You’ll get more containers from the pasta sauces in the deli department…

With a large kitchen funnel, pvc pipe and duct tape you can make a handy urinal right next to the bed so you don’t have to walk all the way to the toilet in the middle of the night

56 comments:

Roy Scribner said...

Are you saying you did away with the bedside urinal??? She must be very special.

The Incredible Woody said...

Wait. VE has a POODLE!! Surely not.....

Sornie said...

I am guessing that you had few visitors during your bachelor years and once you landed a lady that you never once took her to your crusty dish-infested, peeing in a funnel house. As far as the funnel and duct tape, I thought you were leading towards building a beer bong.

Bonnie the Boss said...

Oh my Helll! Are yo kiddingme? Please for the love of all that is holy tell me you are........didn't think so.
My fave is the washer. My hubby still thinks this.
Thanks for the tip on the elven rings. That was on my to-do list for this afternoon and I hadn't googled how to do it yet.

Memarie Lane said...

I once threw away an expensive casserole dish because I just couldn't face what might be living inside it.

lime said...

of course you realize you have just disproved the theory of evolution because of how you demonstrated you devolved during those times....i have to say though, it's doesn't speak well for the idea of intelligent design either.

Jaime said...

Too funny. I'd love to see someone vacuuming the dishes. Actually...I can see hubby doing most of these things if I were away. Scary!

Anne said...

shakes head
sighs heavily

sheesh.

ReformingGeek said...

Glad to hear some woman took mercy on you. I hope the poodle is OK.

Hubby would probably never clean the toilet and if he cooked, it would be one meal that would provide leftovers for the entire week.

My brother is bad about over-loading the washer.

Chris Wood said...

Hold on, you used the washing machine? While single? Without blowing yourself up?

(bows in utter respect)

Giggle Pixie said...

A poodle? Seriously?

No wonder you had to rely on dating websites.

LOL

Kanrei said...

Just because you can get your entire wardrobe into the washer doesn’t mean you should.


Why not exactly?

Auto-pay is a gift from the gods when it comes to bills.

Leftovers? You cook?

Megan said...

I take back what I said a while ago about Mrs. VE being a lucky woman...

Jacki said...

LOL...I am with Marie! In the fall I took one of my roasting pans out of the cabinet to make roast, took the lid off and almost puked. I guess the last time I had used it, someone had put it in the cabinet before it was washed. It was GROSS. I threw the whole thing away.

Gawd, now I have mental images of you peeing in the middle of the night.

Quirkyloon said...

VE I am so, so, sooooo glad the toilet brush was too large for brushing your teeth.

*shudders*

So I take it you're a real help to Mrs. VE 2.0?

Lucky gal!

Kurt said...

I used to keep one of those handy camping pee jugs by the bed, until the day I didn't hold it at the right angle. After that, I get up and go to the bathroom.

leelee said...

Lets just all be grateful VE has "taken" a wife(ee poo).

I'm amazed you lasted a whole 2 years...with out a caregiver!

HUGS!!

angie said...

Please tell me that the first thing the new wife did was dispose of your bedside urinal?

Sarah said...

I think most single men end up throwing away many pots/pans/dishes instead of washing them as well.
My husband's friend refuses to do laundry so when he finds himself without a GF to do it he simply buys new underwear until he finds a woman to wash his old ones. *gag*

Thinkinfyou said...

YUCK! A DIY urinal!!Thanks so much for the visual!!

Angie said...

words cannot express dear.... smiling though

Beth said...

I'm surprised you even held an iron while you were single!

The Self-Deprechaun said...

Your wife won herself a winner! My wife reminds me that if she had not taken me in, I would have still be left under the bridge as an orphan. The jokes on her..she was the only bid in town for this face and she paid a premium. We are lucky SOBs VE! (My wife told me to say that to you)

Serena said...

Now I remember why I'm newly single. LOL. Although, to be fair, I do know some women who try the same "household tips.":-)

VE said...

roy - Ssssh...it's still there disguised as one of those kids marble rolling courses...

incredible woody - Alas...VE is dogless. Everything you read is pretty much a fiction of his imagination...

sornie - Ha! And who says I didn't also build the beer bong?

bonnie - Now you know I'm just kidding with you, right? Glad you're mass marketing elven rings now...

marie - Good choice...you might not be here today otherwise...

lime - It's actually revolution. Regressive evoluation...

jaime - Like my cousin says..."only the truth is funny"

anne - You could see them happening, couldn't you?

reforminggeek - Of course I don't own a poodle and you can see why now. As for the rest...it's right on the edge of possibility isn't it?

VE said...

kurt - Camping in your bedroom again. It's quite convenient. Less packing in and packing out.

leelee - Ha! Yes, a caregiver would have been handy...in more ways than one! ;)

angie - Well...that might have been more of a twisted imagination you realize...

sarah - Yes, there are probably entire companies sending pots and pans on a regular basis to support those men.

thinkinfyou - You're lucky I didn't provide a photo!!!

angie - Yes, shocking humor...again.

beth - I watched Iron Man though...

self-deprechaun - Oh yeah...we're lucky...

serena - See...I knew it!

Elizabeth said...

My husband insists the tub is "self cleaning". Needless to say I'm the one who takes care of the bathroom.

gab said...

See we woman are really important! We keep you all neat and tidy and fed. lol Loved the tolit brush cleaning the grill though!

Alex L said...

I'm so doing that last one.

Practically Joe said...

How many times did you fall in your toilet, not having a woman around to put down the seat?

Hale McKay said...

LOL! The handy PVC-funnel urinal is some definite thinking outside the box.

Bazza said...

You should patent that last one

birdwire said...

On my god, that is hilarious...

This year (through no consequence of being single) I finally learnt the difference between a blender and a food processor. A food processor will blend raw fish to past, while a blender will make strange noises, heat up hotter than hell itself, emit large quantities of smoke, and eventually blow the kitchen fuse.

birdwire said...

and by 'past' I mean 'paste' of course... Opps.

EmmaK said...

lol...after that list I am wondering what your cooking skills are like? Can you for example successfully boil and egg or does your repetoire also include (non burnt) toast?

Anette said...

Poor Ve! Congratulations to your wife for her merciful soul!

VE said...

elizabeth - We just built a house and actually had the tub not put in. We put cabinets and a seating area instead. That way we don't have to clean a bohemeth tub we never use...

gab - Well now you have an idea of where we would migrate too without you.

alex - I'm glad I could assist in your quest for practical solutions to irritating realities...

joe - I use the VE patented urination funnel over the toilet too. It allows you to pee all over without worrying about getting any on the floor...can't fall in either.

hale - Or outside the toilet!

bazza - It probably would sell, wouldn't it?

birdwire - Ha! Excellent misuse of a kitchen appliance. I salute you!!!

emmak - I make a mean Kraft Mac & Cheese...

anette - Don't worry...I'm actually fairly competent. I just have the imagination to go to the dark side...

Kevin John said...

I suppose the *new wife* made you take out that cool 15.5 cu.ft freezer you had installed in the living room to keep the keg's cold?

Damn sacrifices...

MJ said...

Just because you can get your entire wardrobe into the washer doesn’t mean you should.

Tell that to my roommate who decided to throw her giant comforter into the washer.

Of course, this is the same woman who put dishwashing liquid in the dishwasher. I had to explain to her on the phone how misleading the name of the product was. And then I somehow ended up having to clean up all the bubbles...

Uncivil said...

What did you do with the beer tossing machine?

Janna said...

I guess it coulda been worse.
You coulda used the toilet brush on the poodle, put the dishes in the (clothes) washer, and peed in the elvish rings pan.
(Does that mean you'd be forging elvish cock rings?)

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

I've had many, many containers in my fridge that would have been better left unopened!

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

PS: I've started a new blog...now if you ever visit you won't have to read about the latest thing I've knitted or crocheted! Oh joy!

Its at The World According To Arizona This new one is all about puppy dogs and rainbows...lol...

VE said...

kevin - Don't worry...I secretly designed one whole wall to be a beer cooler. There's a tap under the sink that just looks like a water tap or something. She'll never know...

mj - You can lead a horse to water...you just can't poison them...

uncivil - Refer to my comment to Kevin...

janna - Of course, an Elvish cock ring is the one ring to rule them all...

arizona - A new blog? Ok, I'll update...thanks.

Starrlight said...

LOL I think I must be a guy. Most of those are things I have done or considered doing. You left out my favorite though.

You can eat cereal out of the box by pouring milk into the plastic bag IF you have a big serving spoon. Cause trying to dig around at the bottom of the bag with a metal spoon WILL break the bag.

Janna said...

You said
"Of course, an Elvish cock ring is the one ring to rule them all..."

Well, here's hoping it isn't "Hobbit-sized", then.... ;)

VE said...

starrlight - Excellent reuse of a package to avoid dishwashing! Three gold stars...

janna - Ha! Good point. And how do you know the hobbits weren't hung like a horse? I mean consider Bilbo...he didn't get that name by happenstance...

Dee said...

why is it that I still open that darn container of "long forgottens" ? Even tho I know I shouldn't.

Carla said...

That last one really scares me.

VE said...

dee - Always wear a welding mask just in case...

carla - It's just a dark fiction of my imagination

Gladys said...

I found myself single for several years and as a woman this is what I found out:

1. You have to buy and put your own razor in the shower. they don't magically appear.

2. You have to carry in your own groceries. They do not magically walk from the car to the kitchen.

3. Your feet and butt never get warm in bed because you have no heat source on which to warm them. Electric blankets DO NOT WORK.

4. If you get a rodent visitor instead of having a man to set the trap and then empty the trap. You are required to pack up your belongings and relinquish the house to the rodent.

5. You run out of gas because you are not used to filling up your own tank or changing your oil or checking the anti-freeze.

Being single sucks

VE said...

gladys - Ha! I see it from the other side now. Good ones...

Maureen said...

OMG how did you find someone to marry you??? Oh, yeah. You HAD to in order to survive....

VE said...

maureen - I'm pretty charming when I must be! ha ha

Mrsupole said...

I once left a tea kettle on the stove and took a nap, when I woke up I lifted it up and the bottom was all melted off. I was really lucky to not start the house on fire. Now I have an electric kettle that shuts itself off. It is much safer that way.

#10

God bless.

VE said...

mrsupole - I think I would stop drinking tea... Remember, I am always last...