Friday, February 13, 2009

Employment in Unemployment Times

What was it…something like 18 billion jobs were lost the other Friday? Ok, I might have rounded up slightly but as that Ponzie scammer says “What’s a few billion among friends.”

All these layoffs…that’s tough. What to do, what to do. Obama says “spend”. And that’s ok. But I have some suggestions for those out of work now….of course I do.

VE’s tips for the newly unemployed:

Do you like to write? I have two suggestions:

a. Write a tell-all book. Of course! Every famous person does it when there isn’t any more money coming in. It works for them, why can’t it work for you? Go ahead; burn those bridges over at your former employer. They burned the one behind you that left you stranded on Unemployment Island. I’ll even help with some titles…

What’s really microsoft over at the house of Gates
Boeing, Boeing, Gone


b. Start a blog promotion and commenting company. I know; they don’t exist! So what? Have people subscribe to you and in return you make witty comments for them on blogs and work toward improving their reader hits. Who has time to read and comment on lots of blogs! They just save their favorites to read and you do the rest. Inform them when they’ve won an award or have a meme to do. Then…they can just focus on the thinking and writing part of the blogging. Each month they’ll get an abbreviated synapses of what blogs were visited and what is going on. In these overwhelming blogging times, you’ll make a mint!

Do you like to talk? Consider going on the talk circuit. It’s easy. There are lots of idiots out there talking and making a fortune right now. Just make up some subject. Have a 17 step program for it. Be sure to include lots of fancy placards. Placards are shown to eliminate the need for real content by 12 to 1. I even have a placard that shows how I made up that statistic!

Are you a know-it-all? Consider being a professional game show contestant. They love know it alls! Heck; I’m sure they have services now that take your prizes and sell them on ebay immediately so you just get straight hard cash!

I mean, times are tough in these unemployment times. Look at all the companies needing to change their names through this:

From Microsoft to Microstaff
From 3M to FireM
From Apple to Core
From Nike to NoMe
From Circuit City to SureCut Employee
From Pac-Sun to Pac-Up
From Levitz to LeaveIt
From Bombay to BombsAway
From Best Buy to Best Say Goodbye
From Starbucks to Nobucks
From FedEx to JobEx

55 comments:

Coffee Messiah said...

An amazing time in our history, eh?

Thousands laid off, and no jobs to be had.

Spend tax payer money (with no real amount of tax revenue) on things that aren't really gonna make a difference.

Have you ever looked at the site: Crooks And Liars? Some interesting info about what has been cut out by the repubs......still working to take from the poor, amazing ; (

Grrrrrrr

And SB=Nobucks has been steam rolling for years now.

Beth said...

The subject of lay-offs is a touchy one but you handled it well. I think we all need some laughs during these tough times - and you provided some.
(I notice you didn't touch the auto industry...)

Jacki said...

For me, who has had several friends laid-off recently (engineers), I am wondering if all these companies truly need to lay off as many people as they are. Or is it just becoming trendy to do so. I do know that companies need to keep up profits, but at what cost?

The Incredible Woody said...

You could always go for invitro fame - who says 8 babies can't make you rich?!?

VE said...

coffee messiah - There is an old rule that says if you can reengineer something without influence to what was already invented then you aren't guilty of stealing it. The Starbucks one. So what. I never heard it and I made up all of these. Yeah, they're the kind of things that get passed around, I realize that, but I did all eleven of these as I wrote this post. Grrr on that part of your comment...

beth - It wasn't by choice that I didn't touch them...I just couldn't think of anything interesting to cover on them quickly enough. I write my posts pretty fast and what comes to me quickly gets posted.

jacki - Trendy could be the word but I think it definitely is some comapnies way to telling the market that they are taking the economy serious by thinning their ranks...all so their stock goes up. And there is even an off chance that I could lose my cushy no-work corporate job. We'll see.

VE said...

incredible woody - Oh no...two of my own kids are plenty for me. Plus it conflicts with my biggest personal view that the world is overpopulated and that is the source of so many of our woes.

leelee said...

I guess its good that I am self employed...

However there is absolutely no one to blame if the company goes under..

Oh well!

HUGS!! anyway...

VE said...

leelee - I admire self employed people. I wouldn't want the hours though unless I was truly passionate about whatever it was.

MJ said...

I was wondering what my soul would go for on eBay these days...

Gladys said...

You left off
Linen and Things to Leaving this Thing.

I have been unemployed for years now. No really even when I worked I was unemployed.

Oh and Gates has a new profession, he and Seinfeld are going on the road. He'll be at a comedy club close to you soon.;)

Gladys said...

Oh and I forgot to add...
Can you tell me the difference of Bush saying "Shop" and Obama saying "Spend"? See I'm from Texas and Shop is synonomous with Spend. I'm lost at the whooplah over this one.

Elizabeth said...

A hard topic, but you made me laugh. I think we could all use a good laugh now a days.

Roy Scribner said...

Wait a minute, are you saying that I'm not getting paid for all of these comments???

EmmaK said...

I'm taking inspiration from that Octuplets woman, I'm sleeping around with three brothers then when I get pregnant I will be able to go on Maury and get a pregnancy test to find out who is the father! Then I will become famous on the talkshow circuit. Then I will sell the baby to Angelina Jolie! Genius.

VE said...

mj - A lot less than before. Too much competition these days with so many people selling their souls...

gladys - Good addition to the list! As to shop vs spend. I guess if it helps the economy in some way I'm probably for it but if it is for the Iraq war or anything like that I am not

elizabeth - That is what I aspire to! I'm not shy of the hard topics either.

roy - Who said I was paying? What I do with the tally is determined at the end of the year. I might end up deciding to pay for the use of the letter "J" in your comments. I might sign up the top 20 to the jelly of the month club. I might just say "thanks". You never know...

emmak - See, that's the out-of-the-womb thinking that proves there are still opportunities to create money from nothing at all. Good call!

Quirkyloon said...

You mean I stand no chance of making moolah with my blog?

Go figure. I'm always a decade late and a blog short!

I love the new named companies...hilarious. Best Buy to Best Say Goodbye?

LMBO!

ReformingGeek said...

Being under-employed, I often get asked if it was "good" that I got laid off. Well.....um....huh?

I like BestBuy = Please Buy!

Megan said...

TGIF to all that have jobs...

colbymarshall said...

Gawd...I wish it was that easy to just write a book and have it make money. Alas, it doesn't quite go that simply.

Thinkinfyou said...

I don't think a name change would help much. Times are just really really scary.

Kurt said...

I wish I had a job to lose.

Janna said...

I'd love to write a tell-all book, but first I have to do something worth telling.

Maybe I could just make stuff up.

"My Sordid Night With Dick Cheney, Michael Jackson, and VE...."

Serena said...

Luckily, I'm still employed. Even on days when I hate it, I'm thankful. I love what you did with those company names.:)

Nessa said...

I am going to become a professional blog commenter. I have signed up for hundreds of identities. For a small fee I will comment on your blog thus inflating your comment count and making you look more popular.

Nessa said...

Or maybe not, becasue then I'd have to show up on the net more often than once every two months.

Gladys said...

What you can't make money with your blog? I thought VE was like Dooce and made millions. VE don't you light your cigars with $100 bills?

Maybe if you started putting recipes and photography tips on your blog like the Pie Near Woman, HP and Canon would pay you millions.

Uncivil said...

Sadly to say....I work for the local government......so when I lose my job...it's really gonna be bad!

VE said...

quirkyloon - I almost didn't do the new named companies. I knew somebody else might have done these before. I probably should have researched first but I just made them up as I wrote this

reforminggeek - Well, you have more time for blogging...you just don't get paid while doing it now.

megan - Yes...I'm thankful I still have my cushy no-work job

colbymarshall - Not if you write about something really scandalous and hype it up

thinkfyou - I'm thinking of moving to New Zealand. Perhaps it is safe there.

kurt - You'd just enjoy the losing part of it, wouldn't you?

janna - That is truly scandalous!!!

serena - Thanks...it's one of those obvious blogger things but I went there anyway.

nessa - Yeah, what is with the occasional disappearing acts, anyway? Are you living a real life too?

gladys - No, no. I don't sell out my blog. You don't see any ads on it! No way.

uncivil - The Icelandic government resigned...

The Self-Deprechaun said...

I like to write and talk, I also sleep, eat and poop. What can I get paid for my experience in these areas?
I have an MBA and majored in 'Keeping it real'

Jaime said...

yes, times are tough. but do we really want to encourage a whole lot of people to talk and write about absolutely nothing? we have too many of those as it is

Jeff said...

Your company renames are clever. Here's one for the auto industry...
Ford to Poored

Ok, that was terrible. But it's late and I'm tired.

Chris Eldin said...

I was going to comment on your post, but I saw an interesting comment about number of kids... I totally agree. Especially in today's economic times and the degree of family fragmentation, large family sizes are risky.

Back to your post--funny and sad at the same time.

Uncivil said...

"The Icelandic government resigned..."??????
Holy unemployment lines Batman? That was completely over my head?

VE said...

self-deprechaun - You need a 17 step program on keeping it real since you like to talk. Can't do much with pooping since EVERYONE POOPS!!!

jaime - Well that's true but it is hard to convince somebody the world needs ditch diggers too

jeff - That's why I left the auto ones alone. You could say FORD, Firing or Retiring Daily. A play on the old "Fix or Repair Daily"

chris - Yes, it would be scary to have a large family now. Just go read Grapes of Wrath again and find out how fun the depression was

uncivil - Just sayin' even govt jobs might not be safe...

nursemyra said...

Emma - May I have one of those brothers when you've finished with them? preferably the cute one who's firing blanks....

Stunner said...

This was a funny post, even though it is talking about a serious issue.

VE said...

Stunner - Thanks and welcome. I don't shy away from the edgy topics...

Dale said...

Is a tell all blog the same as a tell all book? I guess I'd probably make the same amount of money either way. Unless I took it on the road and talked about it I guess.

Kevin John said...

Pretty odd how it happened so fast. One month the market's kicking ass then everyone's IRA is halfed. I am self-employed in a tough market and there is obviously DEFLATION occuring, which makes me wonder how that can happen when the gov says it has pumped in billions of dollars.
Where? To whom?

VE said...

dale - You're probably right. Both are hard to get readers for

kevin - Somebody had a nice breakdown of what the relief money really means to everybody. I read it and now I've already forgotten.

Bee said...

Okay. I am quitting my job on Monday and taking your advice. However, if it doesn't work out, I can move in with you, right?

VE said...

bee - I have a nice little room right under the stairs...

Jean Knee said...

I was outed from my job as stay at home mom when my kid started school.

ingrate

justacoolcat said...

I'm writing a tell all book, but I'm having a hard time with the first page. It doesn't seem like it's right that it's also the last page.

VE said...

jean - I hope you got a good severance packet!

justacoolcat - I admire your brevity!

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

Job? What's that? I haven't had one in 4 years. My days are filled with Spongebob Squarepants and Wow Wow Wubbzy. I miss my own money. A lot.

VE said...

arizona - Kids should have to pay their parents with earning from their future selves. Call it the 35+ plan. By the time they are 35 they should be making excessive money and can then pay off their upbringing.

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

That sounds great to me!!

VE said...

arizona - I thought you might like that one!

Carla said...

Love the job renames. Funnnnnneeeeeey.

VE said...

carla - We need to make fun of big business!

Dee said...

when you lose your job you can also be a drain on society??? ok that was mean.....sorry I was thinking of an ass that makes more money on Unemployment than he does working so is milking it for all it's worth....NO it's not me. :)

VE said...

dee - Yes, unfortunately there are a lot of people using the system. No matter what you put in place, somebody is gonna find a way to misuse it. It's inevitable!

Maureen said...

Starbucks better not go under... daughter is a Barista, and she and I are the only working ones in the family right now. Hubby was laid off last month....

VE said...

maureen - That's a bummer. Get him out there writing or talking!!!