Friday, February 27, 2009

Explaining the Unexplainable

Hold the phone! I just received a terrific spam email offer for a home based sales position requiring no qualifications and explaining none of the objectives of the job. But besides that typical spam vague messaging, the bottom of the email had this:

When you see a roller coaster living with a tomato, it means that a snooty recliner laughs out loud. Indeed, a cashier accidentally knows the steam engine. The lover near the sandwich ceases to exist, or another mastadon almost reaches an understanding with a ball bearing. A chestnut related to the parking lot flies into a rage, because a light bulb makes love to the nation over a tuba player. A chain saw inside an abstraction is accidentally flabby.

And I just cannot resist trying to explain the unexplainable. It's a good exercise in improv and writing creativity...

When you see a roller coaster living with a tomato, it means that a snooty recliner laughs out loud

See, I’ve been lobbying for roller coaster/tomato marriages in California for years. The plight of the tomato has been long and difficult. Why from public humiliation at the hands of our previous Vice President Quayle and his misspellings (oh wait, that was potato…never mind) to the endless debate on fruit or vegetable. Tastes Great or Less Filling. And Roller Coasters...yeah, they're tired of the paparazzi. People always lining up waiting for them...

And these snooty recliners; yeah, I’ve seen them gathering at the park benches and scaring pigeons for entertainment. Don’t listen to them!

Indeed, a cashier accidentally knows the steam engine

I can relate because I accidentally know my ex in-laws too. It’s not like I intended to know them, it just happened and I can not undo it. The same goes for the cashier. It’s not the cashier’s fault that the steam engine keeps coming in the convenience store for smokes. It’s not the steam engines fault that he needs some social dialogue to let off a little steam.

The lover near the sandwich ceases to exist, or another mastadon almost reaches an understanding with a ball bearing

This is significant. It’s not easy for an extinct mammal to apply negotiation tactics with an inanimate object (particularly when they cannot even spell the mammal correctly). As to the lover, well, this has been the bane of the internet dating movement. Countless first date encounters have been thwarted when one of them orders a sandwich at the deli. The other, stunned at the disappearance takes matters into their own hands and further lowers the expectations of dating through the internet as a result. A shame!

A chestnut related to the parking lot flies into a rage, because a light bulb makes love to the nation over a tuba player.

This is deep. It requires years of nonsensical study. Fortunately VE speaks this nonsense with ease. First of all, chestnuts have been long known to have anger issues. They are not happy about ultimately ending up roasting over an open fire to appease nostalgia during the holidays.

The fact that they are related to the parking lot goes clear back to the original chestnut that was driven over and over into the scalding blacktop by parking cars. Ultimately that merged them into some highly unusual b-sexual scenario that we cannot go into here for fear that your brains might shut down temporarily and should you be reading this blog post while driving that would result in a serious risk to your safety not to mention the safety of others.

Light bulbs making love to the nation happens all the time. Think about it. They’re always brightly lit saying “look at me, look at me.” As to the tuba player, well, nobody can blow like a tuba player. Need I say more?

A chain saw inside an abstraction is accidentally flabby

It’s sad really… Chain saws are usually pretty cut. They rarely get flabby. But these damn abstractions... they can’t be cut and once they get you inside you tend to relax and not worry about being buzzed all the time. That’s when it happens. All of a sudden you are accidentally flabby. The same scenario occurs with people watching reality TV on a cushy couch.

47 comments:

Chris Wood said...

Those chestnuts need to accept their fate. I have begun contributing to a fund that helps rehabilitate chestnut anger.

I'm a saint!

yellojkt said...

Congratulations on finding more lost Lennon/McCartney White Album era lyrics.

Jaime said...

*sigh* when the sandwich becomes more exciting than your date, sadly, it's time to go home - alone - and find a new inanimate object to spice up your life.

The Incredible Woody said...

"Accidentally flabby" -- That's me!! You think I meant to get flabby!

Mike said...

You got it all wrong. It was code. It means Obama is coming to ass love you in your sleep.

Don't ask me how I know this.

Jacki said...

I have gotten spammed with things like this that make no sense, but I have never thought to use them this way.

VE said...

chris - You should get a medal or be knighted by the queen or get a pallet of money from Elton John or something...

yellojkt - Ha! I think these were the lyrics Ringo submitted while on LSD...

jaime - Ha! You're talking about a 70" plasma TV aren't you?

incredible woody - Of course not! Unless you have adopted the way of the sumo already...

mike - Ha! You must be a deep sleeper!

jacki - Ah yes, and that is why I am VE alone! Always remember the mantra: I am VE, you're not, be thankful!

lime said...

well i am relieved to learn that the accidental knowledge of the steam engine by the cashier was not "knowing" in the biblical sense.

VE said...

lime - Yes, but I'm pretty sure there isn't anything biblical about that paragraph!

Quirkyloon said...

"Fortunately VE speaks this nonsense with ease."

Thank goodness VE! We'd be so lost without you!

I thank the big Gnome in the sky that you impart your funny nonsense with us!

Ha!

moooooog35 said...

Shit like this is why I pay extra for the non-snooty recliners.

VE said...

quirky - That big gnome in the sky is constantly playing pranks on me too. We hates it, we does...

moooooo35 - You were just down at the park scaring the pigeons with them weren't you?

EmmaK said...

If I thought about what you have just written my brain would turn to spaghetti. Pondering nonsense, can it really lead to anything than madness?

VE said...

emmak - And this is exactly why corporate meetings are killing people. This is why the government is ineffective. It ALL leads to madness! Good call...

Jeff said...

What, is Mad Libs sending out spam now?

freetheunicorns said...

This reminds of something Woody Allen would write–while on drugs.

Excellent analysis VE. My head has stopped spinning.

Gladys said...

The grey squirrel sings at midnight. Over the rainbow and in the microwave.

Is what mine said. I just figured some spy sent me his coded message by mistake.

Elizabeth said...

I hate it when our chestnut flies into a rage. Last time it was so bad the police showed up!

Jaime said...

a 70 inch plasma? is that really what you'd use for some spice?

ReformingGeek said...

Be careful with those light bulbs. They can be tricky. Also, I'm not sure who is smoking what here.

;-)

padraig said...

Watch out for the gleebs, they're in the fondike.

Thinkinfyou said...

Thanks for the explanation,but I'm still confused.

Giggle Pixie said...

ROTFLMAO!!!

Brian Miller said...

omg! lol.

Bunk Strutts said...

I believe you got an email from the great Flash Basbo on the Planet of the Brain Gobblers.

Kurt said...

I can't believe you even read one of those all the way through to the end.

Beth said...

Only you would see those crazy words as a challenge - and then rise to (successfully) meet that challenge!
Well done.

Janna said...

For some reason I have a strange desire to hear you reading that paragraph in a creepy Gollum-like voice.

VE said...

jeff - It would seem so. It's a bit extreme even for them though.

freetheunicorns - I'm glad I didn't spin your head too much or you might be having a conversation with Woody Allen right now...

gladys - I've seen that grey squirrel and he's really getting irritating waking me up like that!

elizabeth - It's hard to keep a chestnut in a prison cell too...they just slide out between the bars

jaime - Nah! I was just messin' with ya. In the internet dating world if you struck out you can always go onto the free internet dating site to get laid for the night. Now...I'm just kidding here of course! Well sort of.

reforminggeek - I know what you're thinking. The only way I could possibly answer and explain these is to be smoking what they are smoking. Or be insane...

paraid - Ha! I see you speak nonsense too. Strum the tornado with a disco while plugs dominate twinkie bowls.

thinkinfyou - It will be this way until you die. But not to worry, confusion can be a good thing!

giggle pixie - That's exactly the reaction the spammers want!

brian - It's bizarre for sure.

bunk - I see you've been studying them for years!

kurt - He reads EVERYTHING. Ok, that was a line from Three Days of the Condor. But actually it was a very short email and the title fooled me into thinking it was a real email

beth - And that is why I am here!

VE said...

janna - Ha! That would one up it, wouldn't it?

Megan said...

I'm going to keep deleting my spam. I can always come back to this post whenever I feel like I'm missing out by not reading it.

Serena said...

What?! This hurts my brain. With tomatoes, nuts, sandwiches, tubas, and chainsaws in the same e-mail, are you sure it wasn't a come-on from the insufferable Billy Mays?

Alex L said...

I never get the good spam...

VE said...

megan - That's right, I will keep you informed of all nonsense

serena - All spam hurts the brain

alex - I'll send a couple thousand to you...

Nessa said...

"Chain saws are usually pretty cut." Good one.

VE said...

nessa - Thanks

Maureen said...

OMG you actually READ those things? I delete them as soon as I spot them. You must not get enough email.... poor lonely VE. ;)

VE said...

maureen - I do too...that one just had a really good title on the email that fooled me

Hale McKay said...

Oh-oh! I think that spam made sense to me. Help!

VE said...

hale - Glad somebody else speaks nonsense too! ha ha

Mrsupole said...

Oh my God VE, I cannot believe you opened up some spam. You took the bait. Did it taste good.

Spam I am, I had green eggs and Spam.

Okay, seriously, this was a very different take on spam. I always delete it. But I hope you keep opening up yours if this is what you do with it. It was great. You made sense of nothing. As I was reading I just kept wondering how you knew what was said. I got lost in spam land.

Uncivil said...

I think I accidently left another comment? It isn't too flabby is it?

VE said...

mrsupole - Yeah, I look at things a bit different I guess. You never know when I might take you to spam land again

uncivil - I was going to say something about your flabby comments but then I thought, it's ok. If you want flabby comments then there is nothing wrong with that.

Kevin John said...

In a related note, what about receiving a phone call from ID 000-000-0000 and having the recording say "I'm sorry, wrong number?"
creepy.

VE said...

kevin - Leave your residence immediately. Proceed to the nearest safe house. Bring with you only Twinkies, Spam and water.

leelee said...

wow..now it all makes sense!

:-/

HUGS!!

VE said...

leelee - Making sense out of nonsense and nonsense out of sense here since 2006!