Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Library

It’s that day of the week again. Another Theme Thursday! You should really try the challenge of it and sign up some time. This week’s theme is LIBRARY.

Like the mimes that I posted about earlier in the week, libraries are something I’m mildly afraid of. Not as bad as hospitals. Those smell and God knows what you might catch in one. No, libraries have that “The Shining” effect on me. You know…like the empty hotel full of creepy ghosts and evil. Some libraries are just too large and empty.

Search your inner scare monkey. You know I’m right about this. Why else would they have used the scene in the library for the Ghostbusters movie?

And though it seems odd for a grown man to fear the library, it goes all the way back to childhood guilt. That’s right. I STILL have that damn overdue book on my conscience.

It was due back in 1969. They’re still looking for me. I don’t dare get another library card for fear of showing up on the grid! I figure with that much in back dues I’m running even with the national debt! If only there were a library debt consolidation program that could ease my guilty conscience. Come on Obama; pardon us as part of your stimulus packet, you’re trying to fix everything else at once anyway!

But you know; I’m going to keep it. They lied. I haven’t been to the damn moon yet! It’s staying with me until they set up vacation trips to the moon (with frequent flyer miles of course!)
Ok, in OTHER countries there are some interesting and cool looking libraries. There might even be some in the USA back when we had money and such. That doesn’t mean they won’t be creepy inside though!

When I was a kid I used to think they just kept everything ever printed at the library. The teacher told me to look up some historical article from the local paper back in the 1920s. “They’ve had a paper subscription for that long?” I thought as I went there to look. Now I thought they would actually bring me the paper. But it turns out it was on Microfiche.
This was one of many discoveries and disappointments at the library. Others were things like the dewy decimal system which I am sure a government committee invented to torture the citizens. Blatant government torture hasn’t been popular for a long time so they’ve been quite creative as subversive torture. But I digress…
No, instead of paging through an actual newspaper I got to whirl away through these images of newspapers on this high-tech microfiche reader. Of course I secretly thought that if I looked close enough I’d see the tiny micro fish swimming around in the images too…

I guess if you can get past the creepiness of it all; libraries are a good thing in these hard economic times. You can check out DVDs and illegally copy them. You can do the same with CDs there. They have free internet to allow you to blog and surf for porn. It’s great day care…just let the kids roam for hours; they’ll never find you in there…tell them it’s advanced hide and seek and just wait until security calls with crying kids. There. You just saved yourself $100 in day care and $40 in internet provider fees.

67 comments:

Jaime said...

you forgot that you could save the fees on a hotel room and just have sex in the stacks like people did back in college. not me, of course. other people.

Brian Miller said...

haha. last paragraph, priceless. The library on a pedestal is amazing

The Incredible Woody said...

Too bad you didn't get that book from my little hometown library. Once a year, you can bring all the overdue books in and have your debt forgiven - I turned in a Nancy Drew mystery 7 years late!!

VE said...

jaime - So that's where the word stacked came from! ha ha

brian - It is a cool looking library...I'd probably even go in that one

incredible woody - It was the mystery of the Nancy Drew mystery...solved! ha ha

Beth said...

Libraries hold a sacred place in my heart – but not so sacred that I didn’t laugh at this post!
I wonder how many people even know what the dewey decimal system is these days?

willow said...

Hope you're pardoned soon for You Will Go to the Moon!

VE said...

beth - Yes...there are many library fans out in Blogosphere. Another subject I can be funny with but must tread lightly!

willow - Otherwise my story might be the sequel..."You will go to Jail"

Candie Bracci said...

Very nice post with a mix of so many things.
I remember that scene in "Ghostbuster",lol.

Jacki said...

Don't make fun of libraries...I practically live in our local one. As a matter of fact, I just went to ours last night for a little peace and quiet. Bad day with Emma.

The Clever Pup said...

After writing my piece on libraries I had a dream my books were overdue and no one could remember that my dad had once been librarian there. Frustrating

Quirkyloon said...

Hold on VE...I'm just finishing off a gmail to...

www.maeandirafreeman.com

*whistles*

Gladys said...

V.E. I wasn't scared of the library, in fact I loved the library when I was a kid. I often talked my teacher into letting me visit the library rather than suffer the indignities of being chosen last for everything having to do with sports on the playground. Then one day not long ago I went to the library (or as it's pronounced where I'm from lie-berry) and sitting at one of the computer terminals was a 6'7" blonde headed african american woman with boobs and an Adams apple. A BIG Adams Apple. She/he had on gold lame hot pants 4" wedgie shoes and a gold see through halter top.

That put me off of going to the lie-berry for ever.

Chris Wood said...

It never occurred to me that libraries are a good source of porn. Thanks VE!

VE said...

candie - Yeah, that was a funny scene...they had no idea what to do!

jacki - Now Jacki, you know I'm gonna make fun of everything don't you?

clever pup - Sounds like a nightmare!

quirky - Ha! And I liked your meme too!

gladys - See, I told you libraries were scary!

chris - As Tom Hanks said when signing the baseball "Avoid the Clap" from League of their own...that's good advice!

Sarah said...

I actually miss microfilm and the card catalog!

Mike said...

Libraries will die because of the internet.

The displaced librarians will become porno stars - also on the internet.

VE said...

sarah - Do you miss rotary phones and typewriters too? There is a pill for that. Ask your doctor if nostalgia is right for you...

mike - I'm gonna have to start to copyrite library porn names in preparation!

Roy Scribner said...

I miss the good ol' days. You know, before all the fat, middle-aged perv's started hanging out in the libraries surfing pr0n. "Pr0n Busters" - somebody could make a mint on that one!

Colette Amelia said...

I am still giggling! Lately I have become a little cowed in libraries. Very overwhelming...rows and rows and rows of books.

Not only that but it appears I have a voice that travels well. When I was at my college library I was always being told to not yell...but I wasn't!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

The only thing they're missing is a cash bar.

Elizabeth said...

I always wondered, is there a difference between microfiche and microfilm?

ReformingGeek said...

"I see dead people and I hear voices." Maybe I should stay out of the libry (as the Brits would say).

I keep thinking of the library at Hogwartz. I could get away with a lot with the invisibility cape.

lime said...

shaking my head......just shaking my head....lordy...

VE said...

roy - Ha! You've got the makings of a great reality TV detective show! I like it!

colette - You'd be fun to go to the library with. I'd probably try to get you to say "Fire"....

prefers her fantasy life - I've been looking for a cash bar all my life. Even a cash cow would work for me!

elizabeth - There is...gills and fins

reforminggeek - You don't even want to know where I'd be with that invisibility cape! ;)

lime - Yes, another ridiculously fantastical day with the gnomes...

Kurt said...

The CDs from the library smell like sweat.

VE said...

kurt - Don't physically touch them. I find disposable tongs work the best when illegally burning library CDs. It avoids contact. Buy lots of Fabreeze to drown the smell.

Bonnie the Boss said...

Love the library. But I did laugh at this post!
I love libraries so much I want to go to the Library of Congress, for a vacation. Pathetic, I am!

Giggle Pixie said...

I got my first library card when I was in kindergarten. I friggin' LOVE the library! If they had a Starbucks I'd totally just move in!

Megan said...

I love VE Theme Thursday.

freetheunicorns said...

The Dewey Decimal System is just another way for the Man to track your life. It's a scam. And I agree, VE, libraries are terrifying. Unless you're having sex in them – which I may or may not have done in University.

freetheunicorns said...

The Dewey Decimal System is just another way for the Man to track your life. It's a scam. And I agree, VE, libraries are terrifying. Unless you're having sex in them – which I may or may not have done in University.

Mrsupole said...

I have never heard libraries described this way, it was so educating. Funny, but educating.

I am now afraid to ever step inside one again.

Take care and this is #4 at least.

runmotman said...

very irreverant...classic...were you afraid of the bookmobile too?

Squirrel said...

I took the book "When World's Collide" out of an old upstate library and noticed it had been taken out on Nov 21, 1963 and not returned for 40+ years. Maybe there's a story there- the young man began reading the book then put aside because something major happened-- (like JFF being shot) and he lost track of it for many years. Maybe his kid's found it in an old box and returned it. Or maybe he feared the wrath of the Librarian or ....

Tiggy said...

If it wasn't for my old local library, my vinyl record collection would be half what it is!

VE said...

bonnie - The library of congress? No wonder congressman never pass anything...their too busy writing books for their library!

giggle pixie - It's hard to get your mail delivered when you live at the library. They keep wanting to catalog your bills...

megan - Thanks for tipping me onto this; it's been fun to take each topic and see if I can do anything with it. So far, so good.

freetheunicorns - The Man is always messing with us. He's probably the one behind not providing free hotel rooms forcing you to use the library in the first place!

mrsupole - I'm #4, I'm #4. Have no idea what that means, but it's a nice divisible number...

runmotman - Those book mobiles were just waiting to mow kids down as they had their faces in the books walking down the street. Sure I was afriad!

squirrel - Perhaps he was a slow reader...

VE said...

tiggy - Ha! See how the library benefits all!

nursemyra said...

I LOVE the library. I actually spent 17 months (of my own free will) reading at least one book from every section of the Dewey Decimal System. I even have favourite Dewey numbers - the 300s and the 600s.

Lest you think I'm a total nerd, may I remind you it's almost Corset Friday time? (and yes, I love libraries so much I've had sex in them too)

Cuppa Jo said...

This reminds me of those big warehouse commercials, about people getting lost and sending out search parties and homing pigeons.

I wouldn't mind getting lost in a library.

Cinnamon said...

This must be the definitive guide to libraries! And you did ghosts too!! You also reminded me of all the fines I've had to pay over the years!!!

VE said...

nursemyra - Damn...everyone has had sex in the library except me. How did I miss out on this? Especially these last couple of years when I was dating again. I mean there was that time right in the street around the corner from the restuarant where I'd met somebody...we could have just headed to the library and avoided the stunned passersby...

cuppa jo - Even the homing pigeons are afraid of the inside of the library. Hunting dogs are no help either, they slip and slide on the 480 layers of wax on the floor...

cinnamon - When I teach strangers on how to be financially successful I always tell them to avoid library charges. Of course nobody listens because I'm not an accredited financial advisor...but that's another matter...

Janna said...

I like libraries as long as I'm not searching for something in particular. It's fun to just browse.

The moment I start searching for a specific book, it's INEVITABLE that it will either be already checked out by someone else, misplaced, stolen, or otherwise mysteriously missing.
This is doubly annoying when you consider all the time I had just wasted with that godforsaken Dewey Decimal System.

VE said...

Yes, I too would like to give Dewey his decimal system back. We should start a campaign..."Where's Dewey?"

Nessa said...

Something sinister goes on at libraries - some mystery - otherwise why would we have to whisper?

Auntie, aka cagny said...

**Gasp!**
Sex/porn in the library?
Clutch my pearls!

This is Auntie's first visit at your blog. It's one very scary place.

Must come back more often.
LOL

Kris said...

That's a lot of good looking libraries!

leelee said...

Oh Ive always loved the library...I like the smell of books (I know there is a funny in there somewhere) and when I was a kid I thought the card catalog was the coolest way to find a book. Now I am a member of paperbackswap.com and I don't get to the library anymore...I miss it..


It's the latest, it's the greatest, its the Li-brar-y (that was a jingle in a commercial on NY area television when I was a kid)

HUGS!!

Baino said...

So do they still have microfiche? I can't afford a library . . have enough overdue fees at the DVD store. I thought sex in the library was restricted to American teen flicks. . .god I lead a sheltered life *off to library to pick up*

VE said...

nessa - That's an excellent point. There must be a conspiracy behind it

auntie - Welcome! Don't be afraid, the gnomes don't bite very often and I'm actually quite harmless. My readers are always pushing me around...

kris - Until you're sitting next to a ghost that is book stacking that is...

leelee - Does it go to the tune of Downtown?

baino - I'd guess they've converted to computers now but I'm not going in there to find out!

Maureen said...

50! (Hey, if I can't be first to comment, being the 50th is even cooler).

We had our old EKGs on microfische and that machine is still used in some EKG departments to look up old tracings... scary. Almost as scary as those ghosts...

subtorp77 said...

Enjoyed the post VE. Interesting snaps and references. As for that microfiche room, brrrrr! What a cold looking place.

Mrsupole said...

Thanks VE,

And I know this is still part of post #4, I read the roll. Soon I will have a remainder. Thanks for visiting my site.

I love the "BU" tree pic. I have never seen a tree mooning like that before.

Anne said...

They actually designed a decent library here at work when they built the new building, two-story affair that overlooks a muddy pond and everything.

VE said...

maureen - And here we all thought heart research was cutting edge technology...

subtorp77 - Yeah, I don't think they actually let you in that section; I think they would bring back the microfische reel from there in the back for you

mrsupole - Ah, that's what the #4 is! Yes...you are moving up on the blog roll. It's fun watching people move up on it. Yeah, I'm weird...

anne - You're lucky. It's so difficult to get the approval to put in a muddy pond now a days...

Serena said...

Well. I just don't know what to think. I'm just sorry I no longer have little kids to save daycare costs on.:)

BlondeBlogger said...

You just reminded me that I have overdue books on my account and my kids'. Fortunately for us, our library doesn't charge overdue fees.

VE said...

serena - There are so many more options to scam for daycare these days...

blondeblogger - You are so lucky. I'm still on the run...

Venom said...

You think libraries are creepy, try hanging out in a bank vault sometime...

Alex L said...

My library is called 'videoland', they don't have books there, I dont know what nonsense your on about... books in a library?

C said...

Haha! Too funny! Where on earth do you come up with these posts? Anyway, I've been away from the blog world for a bit so I have got lots of catching up to do on all your latest posts.

tony said...

Overdue book Fine! I have seen a WANTED POSTER with your photo on it in a Library here in Yorkshire!
"Come On Kid.Come Out With Your Hands Up, We Got The Place Surrounded...."

VE said...

venom - That would be creepy...unless I got to keep the money at the end...

alex - It's a wacky world, isn't it? Hey...I saw your review! Ignore them...they hate everyone.

c - Well welcome back! How's that little baby of yours doing?

tony - I knew it. The man is always trying to get me! Those wanted posters keep me from going to the post office too.

Uncivil said...

I like the free 4 day DVD rental from my local library the best!

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

I was born in 1969.

Let my kids roam free in the library? Are you kidding? If my kids roam more than 10 feet away from me our librarian gives me dirty looks. She's an awful, evil woman and I hope she gains 10 pounds and grows facial hair. Er, uh, I mean, more facial hair.

Alex L said...

Yeah pretty much, I might do a reply soon, if I can be bothered.

Dee said...

hahaha.....so much of what you said is true. I don't like libraries either. I like the concept of them, I don't actually like going to them and using them.

VE said...

uncivil - You still turn 'em in late, don't you?

arizona - They recruit evil for those places...

alex - They'll ignore it I'm sure.

dee - I knew I wasn't alone and weird. Ok, maybe weird...