Thursday, March 12, 2009

Animal World

Yes, another Theme Thursday again. This time it's: ANIMAL

Welcome to Animal World. It’s like West World but without the psychotic robots that hunt down and kill tourists…”

That’s what the brochure said in my dream. It was a destination you could go and do actual full immersion role playing of whatever animal you wanted to be. How cool is that?

Sure, cats are easy. Many people don’t have to do a lot to mimic the life of a cat. How hard can it be? You lie around and cop an elitist attitude when needed. You purr when you want something. An easy stretch, don’t you think?

Dogs aren’t too much harder; you just need the right skills. Have you ever worked? Then you have the right skills to play the dog. Look at all those employees with their ever-hopeful puppy dog eyes fully looking for that promotion or pay raise that never, ever comes! How much more dog-like does it get? Well, don’t forget about fetch! Getting your boss a Starbucks is no different than throwing Spot that stick and making him chase after it to bring it back. And if it’s not coffee than it’s a report, or a meeting or something stupid you have to do to appease.

But Animal World allows you to go and mimic other more interesting animals. Take camels for example.

You get to spit with complete indiscretion. We’ll prep you by not allowing you to shower for a week. We’ll put you into a giant oven we have on low heat and full of sand. There you’ll get to slog around having pre-drunk a gallon or two of water. Go ahead, grunt, fart, belch! I mean you’re gonna be flippin’ hot and pissed off wearing our camel fur anyway; oh yes, you’ll be in full camel mode by the time you leave!

The monkey jungle is a great way to have fun and simulate what its like to live as one of our distant relatives. Apparently for some it’s not quite that distant either. You can swing on the vines and if you fall our unique trampoline floor will bounce you right back up to start again. Have a great time flinging your poo at other guests and find that one special guest and groom their hair for hours on end.

Sure, you can be a deer. We’ll let you hide and make a stealth camp inside the nettles deep in the forest. You can lap up water from the stream and later you get to run with the herd while they flee in panic hoping that a predator doesn’t single them out. Think of it as life and death tag. We’ll even take your picture through our nifty antler mount in our photo den.

And yes, you can even be a predator. Due to insurance and health reasons you can no longer actually hunt down tourists and bite or eat them. But you do get to chase them around and take them down. Don’t worry, we have many guests that like to be submissive and play the herbivore. Playing the predator is a very popular choice among bullies and lawyers.

That’s right, you builder types and busy body people can be the beaver. No, that doesn’t mean you’re going to get any beaver. It means that we’ll be throwing impossible construction tasks at you all the time you are there. Believe me; you’ll be so damn tired at the end of it you’ll think your normal job is like a vacation. You’ll thank us later for that feeling…

And as for VE, what animal does he aspire to be? Easy…the sloth! They make cats look productive.

76 comments:

Colette Amelia said...

thoroughly enjoyable!

Megan said...

Me for the herbivore. But I think I'll fake disease so I don't have to do all that running.

Oh wait, that wouldn't stop the vultures or the hyenas, would it? But who would pick those?

Theme Thursday has got to stop giving you a five day lead-time. Because oh, the places you'll go!

Ronda Laveen said...

Oh, VE. This is wonderful! The comparing photos are so aligned. "...actual full immersion role playing of whatever animal you wanted to be." You and I had similar takes on the theme this week. Way differnt ways of getting there, but still similar immersion themes.

Is "Evolutionary Man's" hair real? Is wearing undies? I am wearing bifocals and it is still hard to tell.

Dalton J. Fox said...

My god. That dude in the monkey photo needs to invest in a razor or some wax or something. It almost looks like he's wearing a jogging suit.

Baino said...

Haha that's hilarious. I was opting for the Star Buck 'dawg' until I saw the sloth . . fits like a glove! Then again, I'm quite comfortable at the top of the food chain thanks (except when in the surf!)

Fundamental Jelly said...

Its like Fantasy Island and Biology 101 at like, you know, the same time. Man

Uncivil said...

That would make Obama a Buzzard of some sort wouldn't it?

Uncivil said...

Feeding on what's left of the good ol' US of A

Mrsupole said...

Okay, the beaver one got a big laugh, but I have to say Ronda's underwear one got an even bigger laugh. I did not even think about the underwear. No wonder you two did almost the same kind of thinking for TT today. She had farting of the brain and is something you would normally come up with. I think she is starting to read you too much. Oh well it is great. I loved this one.

Really funny and good pictures. Have they done any brain scans of what is going on in your head. They really need to. It must never stop working. Hmm, wonder if you ever kept a journal of your dreams. Oh my, that would be worth publishing.

God Bless.

moooooog35 said...

If I could be any animal, I'd be the guy who's banging Jessica Alba.

Humans are animals, right?

Jaime said...

hairy monkey man gives me the creeps. you kind of just want to take a razor to the guy, don't you

Chris Wood said...

The sloth ... nature's senior management. BTW, you can no longer hunt and eat people in the US? Bummer. We do it all the time in the UK, but then you maybe haven't tried our food ...

BTW cheers on the book!

VE said...

colette - Thanks! I've yet to read any others so I better get out there

megan - Yes, the poor herbivore had it rough. Bad things on all sides...

ronda - I'm gonna have to go see what you did. I just woke up so I haven't seen any yet. I have no idea if that is really that guys hair...it's so hard to tell these days with photoshop...

dalton - He would have been prepared for our winter this year. I'll bet it sucks in the summer though...

baino - Yeah, at least we don't have to get up and worry about whether today is the day we'll get eaten.

fundamental jelly - Exactly. How great is that?

uncivil - Well after Bush there isn't much left except for a buzzard! ;)

mrsupole - I haven't seen ronda's yet but if shes starting to do crazy stuff like me...I'm scared! But I'm sure I'll laugh anyway. My brain is definitely a bit different...I have yet to take a creativity test that I didn't score 100% on...

moooooog35 - How can I argue with that? I agree!

jaime - I was thinking of a big Nair hot tub for him...

chris - Actually, I have tried your food. Nine straight days in London trying to find some damn decent restaurant! What's up with that?

The Incredible Woody said...

I want to be a blue whale.

Roy Scribner said...

Excuse me while I pause here to mark my territory.

willow said...

This was a fabulous post!

VE said...

incredible woody - Awww...don't be blue...be happy! Happy Whale!

roy - Now there's an animal instinct that humans haven't dimminished one bit. Good call!

VE said...

willow - Why thanks! Not bad for a sloth...

subtorp77 said...

I'd opt for being a croc or snake. Lying round most of the day, basking in the sun. And able to down your prey in whole!

And monkey boy, there. I thought I had a lot of hair! I may as well be bald...

LOL on the beaver. A friend of mine went to Beaver College (down in the Carolinas ). They have since changed the name.

VE said...

subtorp77 - Ha! As a high schooler I dreamed of beaver college! As for a snake, not for me, sure...you can down your prey in hole but then you gotta slog around for three days feeling like it!

Brian Miller said...

wow. you always have such amazing takes on the post. the monkey man...can not imagine how many razors it would take...

Great post... hard to choose, but i will be an eagle today.

VE said...

brian - Good choice! Of course when I was in Alaska once the Eagles where scavengering in the garbage cans. A fitting statement on America's economy...

Beth said...

You omitted the bunny rabbit! I’m kind of partial to their lifestyle - except for the excessive breeding part.

Gladys said...

I think I'll be a bear. I can sleep all winter, and lose weight while I sleep. Then when I wake up in the spring I can mosey on down to the stream get in a little fishing and bathing. Then hang out in the forest and eat berries and scare those stupid hikers with the bells on their packs. Yeah I think I'll be a bear

Quirkyloon said...

First of all....now we can see why you chose Mrs. VE to be Mrs. VE.

Quite a spitter that gal!

Must make you proud.

Second of all....an updated pic of VE? You've got the hairy body of a man that ONLY Mrs. VE could love.

*smile*

Jeff said...

Good one VE. Sorry I haven't been around this last week. The wife has me working on a remodeling project. You know, kind of like how the queen ant has all the drones do all the work?

VE said...

beth - Yes, I could see you as a bunny! No...I wasn't even going there!!!

VE said...

gladys - I can't bear to think of it! ha!

jeff - Remodeling? I never knew you did any modeling in the first place! You just go over and tell her your the man and you'll decide what you do! Good luck...

VE said...

quirky - Aack. I'm all out of order on my return comments. Ha! Nice try. The wife-poo is blonde. But the spitter can hang around if she likes; I won't hold it against her. As for hair...I'd be waxing that stuff off permanently! Yikes.

Marianna said...

"it's the animal, the animal, the animal instinct in me..." lol

Great Theme Thursday post!
take care
xoxo

freetheunicorns said...

That hairy man was disgusting. Ewww!

I should also add that I've always wanted to be like a puffin, but until now, never found the inspiration to pursue that dream. Thank you VE.

VE said...

marianna - Sometimes we gotta step into the shoes of others! Thanks.

freetheunicorns - There will always be a place for your puffin dreams at Animal World! I have no idea what a puffin does but I like the name!

ReformingGeek said...

I finally understand. We truly have not evolved and I think some of us may have gone backwards.

Great post, VE!

May you be reincarnated as a camel.

Elizabeth said...

Love the post! I think I would want to be one of my dogs. They're spoiled rotten!
It's funny you noticed that about the eagles. Whenever a relative comes to town and really wants to see a bald eagle, we go to the dump. There are at least 100 of them there!

VE said...

reforminggeek - Camel? Sloth please. Actually a camel doesn't sound so bad right now...I could use some hot sunny weather!

elizabeth - Yes, as you live in Alaska you know that very well! Eagles are scavengers and where do scavengers go? The dump. They don't know any better. I don't think anyone gave them the "Americas Symbol" memo...

angie said...

Such high aspirations. That's why I like you so much. :)

VE said...

angie - Yeah, I don't profess to want to change the world; I'm just hoping the world doesn't try to change me...

Candie Bracci said...

Great post,lol,I enjoyed that very much!

The Clever Pup said...

Nice juxtapositions of the images.

Is that guy really that hairy?

Dot-Com said...

That made me smile. Laugh, even. The picture of the two monkeys (or was that one monkey and one man?!) especially. Oh dear!

VE said...

candie - Thanks. The themes are fun, it's like having a writing assignment. I'm enjoying it...

clever pup - I really don't know about the guy...the internet can be so deceiving

dot-com - Yeah, the monkeys sort of blurs the lines seperating man from animals...

Giggle Pixie said...

I soooo want that sloth's job. :-)

VE said...

giggle pixie - Sorry...already mine!

Anne said...

Do you aspire to have three toes, too?

lime said...

what about the lemmings? the sheep? the octopi?

and what can you do if i want to get down with my platypus self?

VE said...

anne - I'm gonna have to nix that much immersion I'm afraid. How would I be able to count to 10?

lime - I am an honorary lemming member. Kanrei runs the home for wayward lemmings you know. But my dominant slot prevents me from being an active lemming. Now your platypus self? We can accomodate that at Animal World. You are free to wander anywhere there and do anything. I mean face it, nobody really knows what they do anyway...

Kris said...

I reckon that beavers are terrific. They seem to have great personalities.

VE said...

kris - As long as they're not made into a hat or coat they do...

Nessa said...

Oh, that hair picture is hitonious.

VE said...

nessa - Like that one eh? Sort of makes Burt Reynolds look like a naked mole rat!

HeyJoe said...

So which animal swallows? Oh that's right, Paris Hilton.

Patrice said...

Fabulous post... 'specially the couch potatoes...

Mama K said...

fun post... and that is a cute sloth picture!

Maureen said...

Ewwww...that hairy guy.... please tell me that's a costume or Photoshop.

* Shiver *

yellojkt said...

[Insert beaver joke here]

Auntie, aka cagny said...

Oh how hysterical your photos!
Are you REALLY a sloth? I think not.

Dakota Bear said...

Interesting post! I like the comparisons.

VE said...

heyjoe - We'll put her with the herbivores for the kill...she's too dumb to elude a predator

patrice - Thanks. It seems couch potatos are instinctive!

mama k - I have a thing for sloths!

maureen - His name is Harry and he'll be over for dinner at 7pm

yellojkt - You had to go there, didn't you? ;)

auntie - I'd be super rich or famous if not for my slothiness

dakota bear - Thanks. It was fun.

Janna said...

The hardest thing about imitating my cats is squatting over the litter box... and reaching around to bury whatever happens.

And don't even get me started on the whole "hygiene" thing.

VE said...

janna - Yes, the whole litter box thing won't do at all! ha!

Mariane said...

Nice post.

Love the one about survival.

Can I be a loonie.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Okay. I could have lived without seeing that hairy man. Yuck!

MJ said...

It would be elephant for me. Lots of water and food. Lots of random stampeding and smooshing of things. No jumping involved.

VE said...

mariane - Thanks. Loonies are ALWAYS welcome around here by the way...

perpetual chocoholic - Oh come on now, he's your new postman!

mj - I have a lot of memories of the elephants from Africa. My guide told me of a story about a father elephant that was killed by hunters and the family of elephants would come back to his grave sight every year to remember him. It was very touching...

Dee said...

So far this year this is my fav post of yours!

VE said...

dee - Wow, thanks. I actually had to think for a second before doing it. Didn't have an idea immediately...

Alex L said...

I'd be an octopus, I have many parts of my proffesional life that require me to fit into spaces an eighth of my actual size.

VE said...

alex - You realize all octopus have an attachment disorder though...

tony said...

I Am A Mole And I Live In A Hole !

VE said...

tony - Excellent! And it rhymes!

Carla said...

That hairy man was really kind of creepy. The monkey was much cuter.

VE said...

carla - Some things you know are right and some things you know are just wrong! ha ha

Serena said...

Yeah, I'm up for this. But I call dibs on the sloth position.:)

VE said...

serena - You can join me with the sloths. We'll be doing absolutely nothing!

Count Sneaky said...

Cats and sloths exist for the same reason...to show us how dispensible we really are!
Count Sneaky

VE said...

count sneaky - And we never learn, do we? Good call!