Friday, March 27, 2009

Menopause Barbie

Hey, did you realize Barbie turned 50 this month? Now the reality is that if you had this original 1959 Barbie you probably wouldn’t have to live in that cardboard box in front of your now foreclosed home. A mint one sells for over $3,000! But of course you did realize that Barbie was 50 this month because every media outlet including blogs seemed to mention it.

Now normally I avoid the obvious because, well, that would be obvious. But in this case, I’m thinking we need a special Barbie to honor this fact. I mean think about it, she’s 50! She’s in the menopause years! And that means…

Introducing Menopause Barbie…

That’s right, menopause Barbie comes with a host of traditional menopausal features…

An oven mitt is included should she be having hot flashes.

She’s got more hair on her legs than Clay Aiken has on his entire body

Her palms sweat like Richard Simmons aerobicizing in the tropics

Auto-sensor that will trigger tears upon hearing anyone’s voice

Many accessories not included because she forgot where she put them

55 comments:

Anne said...

you're asking for it, buddy.




(thank goodness, i'm not there yet)

Quirkyloon said...

VE, now you've done it.

As one of those menopausal women...

I totally RESEMBLE that Barbie!

(Finally, after all these years of longing to look like her...I'm finally there!)

heh heh

lime said...

lol, ya know if i get any more hair on my legs i'm gonna look like a yeti. i am not looking forward to this stage.

freetheunicorns said...

Suck it Clay Aiken.

Candie Bracci said...

Ha!Menopause Barbie,lol!
Poor Barbie,what have they done to you?your last post with Barbies was so funny too :D

moooooog35 said...

Yep.

I'd still hit it.

Jaime said...

creative...and pretty gross

Gladys said...

Dead On V.E.

You left off the irregular libido. One minute she's humping whatever she can find and the next she is threatening to murder the next man that looks at her.

Beth said...

How come the media hasn’t noted Ken’s 50th? He’s right up there with Barbie and probably going through a mid-life crisis even as I write...complete with baldness, paunch, jowls and a sporty convertible!

(My mother tossed all my Barbie dolls. She will never be forgiven.)

Roy Scribner said...

I tell you, those marketers are always coming up with new angles to extract money from my kids!

VE said...

anna - Uh oh, a barbie fanatic...

quirkyloon - Isn't it odd to finally realize your dream...only to find it's a nightmare in disguise! ;)

lime - Locks of love! I'm sure they have a leg hair division...

freetheunicorns - He's having hair implants from menopausal women and taking testosterone in the hopes that he can pass as a guy...

candie - Yeah, I guess I'm done picking on poor Barbie now. Or not.

moooooog35 - I'd be disappointed if you didn't!

jaime - It's been a little while since I disgusted you...can't have that!

gladys - Oh...that's what that's all about! ;)

beth - Actually, Ken isn't 50 yet. Yep...Barbies been robbing the cradle all these years...

roy - Yeah...and be careful what those kids are doing with the new holographic Barbie...

Sarah said...

I second Beth, where is salt n pepper 50th Ken?!

VE said...

sarah - He's coming. But he's currently only 47. He wasn't introduced until 1961...

ReformingGeek said...

And she's developed that husky, sexy low voice....

NOT! I refuse to comply.

Great picture, though!

Check out my post today for a special gnome surprise.

Chris Wood said...

Sensitive, mate, sensitive!

VE said...

chris - That's me...Mr. Sensative! Why I should be an embassador...

VE said...

reforminggeek - Gnomes? I'll be right over...

Kurt said...

Clay Aiken is low on hair? I hadn't noticed.

Mike said...

Your daughter is going to be PISSED when she see's what you did to her 3000 dollar barbie.

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Where'd you get that barbie ve? You got something you want to admit to us?

Mrs. R said...

Is it just me, or does Menopause Barbie look like some Bratz dolls I've seen?

Matt-Man said...

She could just have Ken the Gynecologist rip her insides out. Problem solved. Cheers!!

Megan said...

I for one cannot wait for the day when I never have to buy tampax again.

Hair removal is a snap compared to waiting three to five days every month for your uterus to drain.

Elizabeth said...

If you stay at the White Swan in Guangzhou they will give adoptive parents a Barbie holding a little Chinese baby. It's pretty sad that I want one soooo bad. The Barbie, not the baby. I mean I really want the baby more than anything, but the Barbie would be so cool too! OK, I'm stopping now.

FundamentalJelly said...

This must be the female version of "Flomax Ken."

Nessa said...

I turned 50 too and I feel like I look just like menopause Barbie.

VE said...

kurt - You need to keep up on these things!

mike - She needs to learn that change happens!

perpetual chocoholic - Admission is expensive...I avoid it

mrs r - They're all menopause bratz?

matt-man - I suspect they've had their encounters in the past...

megan - TMI...TMI...I'm not listening...

elizabeth - What's the Chinese word for Barbie?

fundamental jelly - With a few add ons you can also get Viagra Ken...

nessa - Not to worry. Barbie is still quite popular!

Anonymous said...

What's with the stupid Clay Aiken slams? The guy is 6'2" with the same amount of body hair as any normal man. How about growing up and trying to hide your homophobia. It ain't cool.

VE said...

anon - Actually...I was referring to the baby face and extending it; could have picked Michael J Fox too. What on Earth does that have to do with homophobia? Sounds like somebody is homesensative...

Janna said...

My favorite part is the Prozac bottle that's larger than her entire head.

And... and...

ACCGHHH!
I just noticed the armpits!

Serena said...

Poor Barbie, but we all knew it would happen sooner or later. I noticed you didn't provide her with an axe. All menopausal women need axes. And chocolate.

Auntie, aka cagny said...

VE,
Ever notice how bad words begin with the syllable "MEN"?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal Illness
MENingitis
MENstrual cramps

Jacki said...

Having just witnessed my mom go through two hot flashes today, I'd say she feels like that Barbie.

Although she doesn't cry at the drop of a hat...she gets pissed at the drop of a hat.

The Incredible Woody said...

You really should check out "Cougar Barbie" at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkoTN-_QPZk

Brian Miller said...

Oh my! lol. very creative.

Dalton J. Fox said...

So, if an original Barbie sells for $3000, any idea what the menopause Barbie is worth?

subtorp77 said...

Auntie, Mom said the same thing!

VE, most of those old Barbies are now drying out and disintergrating due to the toxic plastic they were made from...hey wait a minnit!

nursemyra said...

where's the hairy chin? Menopausal women tend to have less hairy legs but can sprout a full beard. I've seen more bald vaginas than a celebrity waxer. But before any men get jealous, remember, they're all over 80

carlae said...

Barbie...she da man!

VE said...

janna - Mortals should not gauze too long...

serena - I make it a point to remove all axes from premisis...

aunti - Oh yeah? Well...
WOMENarenaggingme
WOMENhogthebathroom
WOMENtakeanhourtogetready

jacki - If only we could harness that anger...I know...prison guard!

incredible woody - Ok, I will!

brian - Thanks...

dalton - Actually $837. I found her on an old ebay auction (no, I didn't participate, I was just looking for the right photo for the post). Not bad for somebody with anger issues!

subtorp77 - Plastics are toxic? Who would a thunk?

nursemyra - Ha! I'm not jealous! Really! And I cannot be responsible for catching all the menopausal symptoms having never experienced the phenomenon myself! See...you women expect so much of us men! ;)

carlae - She's certainly trending that way...

yellojkt said...

In thirty years we can all play with Alzheimer Barbie. She just won't remember what she did.

Betty said...

Oh help! I'm the same age as Barbie. At least, I think I am. I forget ...

teeni said...

I admit I had to laugh out loud about the accessories not being included because she misplaced them.

EmmaK said...

Menopause Barbie also wets herself every time she sneezes and wears mini Depends. nice.

VE said...

yellojkt - Of course, I probably won't remember either...

betty - Well...as Indiana Jones said "it's not the years...it's the mileage"

teeni - Everytime someone laughs out loud at VE's jokes an angel gets a wedgie...

emmak - Man, I'm glad I'm a guy because I seem to sneeze every morning...

Ronda Laveen said...

Is there a limited edition model?

VE said...

ronda - I hope this is..

Carla said...

I thought that fur on Barbie's legs was a pair of skanky tights.

VE said...

carla - Close...

Mrsupole said...

Hi VE,
Found this in my e-mail today and for some reason I think it just goes along with this post. I hope you enjoy it.

Best PMS Question Ever

Question:

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light
bulb?


Woman's Answer:

One!

ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this fuck'n house knows HOW to change a fuck'n light bulb! They don't even know that the fuck'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE fuck'n DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the fuck'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME fuck'n SPOT!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO FUCKER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE FUCK'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FUCK'N HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE FUCK'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.
What was the question?

VE said...

mrsupole - Ha! Sounds like a Martin Scorcesse film... Excellent.

Dee said...

reminds me of a joke

you know why they call PMS well PMS?

because mad cow disease was taken.

VE said...

dee - Ha! Good one.

Maureen said...

Ahahahaha Megan! Totally agreed here.

But I did love that last line: "Many accessories not included because she forgot where she put them."

VE said...

maureen - And those buying it probably won't care because they can't remember either...