Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Stereo Wars

One of the comments I received in my blog review awhile back was “Write about yourself, about what you do, about the shit you put up with daily, the ins and outs of the ordinary, the mundane, and the reality.”

Ok. Let’s try it out with the mundane and ordinary in a VE day.

When I’m in my car I like to listen to music. Normally I keep my music at a pretty conservative volume. I’ve had my stereo hard wired so that I can plug in my ipod and still use the standard stereo to operate it. That way if I have a desire for a specific song I can just select it.

So I’m driving down the road and I had a major craving to listen to “Knights of Cydonia” by Muse. This song rocks by-the-way. I turned it up a little bit. I pull up to a red light and along side me comes some teenager with his stereo thumping away drowning out my Muse experience.

Damn him! He’s not going to get away with that. You see, while VE may play his music conservatively, that doesn’t mean he hasn’t thrown away perfectly good money on a quality car sound system that is completely overkill to his needs. I mean, come on, it’s my American right to be excessive in every and any way possible.

So I turn it up and drown out his volume. Game on!!!

He pretends not to notice me but kicks in the bass to about double what it was. He smiles to himself.

I pull my emergency ear plugs from their strategically placed dash cubby and put them in and then crank the decibels toward the painful zone.

Cars around us are now rattling and desperately trying to find a way to escape our immediate sound zone.

With a cringing look he quickly throws on a motorcycle helmet he had sitting in the passenger seat and boosts his stereo power outage to the max.

His hands are vibrating off the steering wheel. The car is shimmying slightly back and forth to the beat. Windows are showing signs of buckling under the stifling sound.

Damn him! It’s time for emergency action. Put the windows into protect mode (an ingenious padded protection designed to keep them from shattering.) Hit the sub-woofer mega output and roll the volume to three-fourths. Max out the bass and treble.

Wearing an extra layer of protective ear-coverings I watch as the lug nuts on his wheels slowly rotate to the drum beat of my song. The screws on the entire frame of the car slowly unscrewing while I frantically slap my hands on the steering wheel to the blaring music.

On the street it looks like a war zone. Stray shopping carts are bouncing away from the output of the sound. Real estate newspaper stands have tipped over with the vibration and even the pothole repairs are buckling with the deafening thump.

With no more volume to be had from his system and an impending implosion of his entire vehicle into a disassembled mass of parts he has no choice but to concede the battle and attempt a mass exodus. But it’s difficult to get tire traction with his car bouncing to the beat of my impossibly loud sound system. My car is stable and unmoving thanks to the 150 bricks strategically placed for such an occasion.

Finally his big break arrives right as I’m screaming horse to the words “You and I must fight for our rights. You and I must fight to survive...” His car screeches and wobbles away out of sight.

The battle was over.

I had won by projecting strength through superior car audio power.

I cranked the volume back down from the death-by-decibel setting to normal relaxation setting just as Simon and Garfunkel’s Sound of Silence starts playing as I quietly hum along.

Yes, the right song with the right stereo at the right time for the right duration…total annihilation!

I RULE!!!!

Two weeks later I'm in the car with the wifey-poo and some thumpin' punk pulls up to my right side at a light. I look over at him and then at the wifey-poo. She shakes her head and says "Don't you even THINK about it."

Denied!

50 comments:

Anne said...

is that how y'all are when we're not around?

The Incredible Woody said...

I have been around a few cars that I would've loved to be able to do that to!!

monica said...

hm - I guess that was the roar I heard the other morning... :o)

moooooog35 said...

Denied by the wife?

See? Shit like that is why mine hasn't seen daylight in three years.

Be right back...need to refill her kibble.

VE said...

anne - You got it! We unleash!!!

incredible woody - All it takes is a lot of money and no common sense!!

monica - Might have been. It's ridiculously loud when I need it to be

moooooog35 - Ha! I don't you're talking about your car stereo...

Perpetual Chocoholic said...

One time I went to put the key in the door and could literally feel the house pulsing. My brother-in-law was living here at the time and I'd say he liked his music a tad loud too!

You scared of your wife?

Roy Scribner said...

Excuse me while I bow and pray to the neon God I made.

Sornie said...

The one weak link is that you eventually told us that you listened to your wife. Sure, you exacted some one-upmanship but letting the wife throw water on your fire at a later date was weak. Just imagine how fun it would have been to see her vibrate into the back seat.

Gnomeself Be True said...

Next time, go straight to the disco mix.

Gladys said...

Now see I keep some Earnest Tubb in my que for just such an occasion. You would be surprised how many kids will go screaming through red lights just to get away from "I'm Walking The Floor Over You"

Elizabeth said...

Wow, glad your car survived! The kids around here just aren't impressed when I blare "Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground and other awsome rap songs from the 80's.

VE said...

perpetual chocoholic - Scared of my wife? Women are from Venus and unpredictable...sure I'm scared!

roy - Just remember, neon is fussy stuff to work with...very problematic!

sornie - Now while I do agree it would have been quite entertaining having the wifey-poo vibrated clear to the back seat, I do have survival skills and common sense from time to time to know that wouldn't have been the wisest course of action. We all have to pick our battles...

gnomeself Be True - Sort of gives a new meaning to Donna Summer's "I Feel Love"...oh, they'd FEEL it alright...

gladys - You go straight for the hard stuff, don't you?

elizabeth - Think how much ice cracking I could do over at Mendenhall glacier with my mega-thumping system? And somehow I don't see Juneau as the hub for Humpty Dumpty rap appreciation...

Chris Wood said...

Good thing your car wasn't damaged by all the intense vibrations. Has your hearing recovered?

padraig said...

In stereo wars, blast Sousa marches. It confuses the hell out of the target.

VE said...

chris - What did you say?

padraig - Stereo wars is just like Star Wars but without the cool light sabers, plot, actors, or story. I'll have to look into your selection for a future battle...

Quirkyloon said...

VE? I can't hear you. I've gone temporarily (I hope) deaf. Could you turn your radio down? Please?

(BTW, I clicked on your link from yesterday's response to me AND I commented on it. I think that should earn me one extra in the blog roll. Oh come on! Give a quirkyloon a break! *smile*)

FundamentalJelly said...

Yanni at those decibel levels is 'going nuclear,' embarrassing to be sure, but totally nuclear.

Kanrei said...

In college, my downstairs neighbor was blasting some horrible music, so I laid my speakers down on the floor and cranked up my amp. I won the battle, but I blew my amp. The speakers...I still am using them today and they still work perfectly. My dad bought them in Japan in 1968 and they certainly do not make things like they used to.

I remember that song from GH3. I liked it, one of the few from that game I did.

Mrsupole said...

Come to think of it, why am I just stuck on 5 blog rolls, I know you have seen me more than that lately, I guess I gotta keep count on my own. But now I know why you been slipping, it is cause there is sometimes jelly inbetween the ears due to the loud music, it does take a while to get it all back to normal.

And yes be afraid, be very afraid of the wifey poo. That is why hubby knows when to back down, I can hit that planet Venus running and he does not know what hit him. Just kidding, cause I know when to back down after he's been to Mars. It is a two way street. Maybe that is why they have the two different speed limit signs up. Had you thought of that one. Men going one way, women the other. Maybe you are going on the women's side. Might be faster if you go on the men's side.

Glad you beat the little whipper snapper into place, that will teach him to mess with the great VE.

God bless. Gonna take those ear plugs out now.

Beth said...

If this is an example of a mundane and ordinary event in your life, I’m looking forward to a post about an extraordinary one. (Your trip adventures don't count.)
I once had the radio blasting so loud in the car I didn’t hear an ambulance siren - only clued in because everyone else was pulling over to the side. Bad.

Kurt said...

What's a Muse?

VE said...

quirky - Nice try girl! If I bent the count rules for you...I'd just have a bunch of people going back into the archives and commenting on young VE's foolish beginnings thinking they get extra point credit! That's one of my favorite posts by-the-way. It's just so stoopid and all...

fundamental jelly - I'm learning so much about alternative weapons of mass destruction here. Yanni is another. I'm sure Kenny G works too...

kan - That is just hillarous! The fact that you actually directed the speakers downstairs; I applaud you. I would have probably done the same!

mrsupole - Now don't go getting your undies all in a bundle over the counter there on the blog roll. ;) VE has you covered. I was just behind on updating it and it is now updated and you have moved WAY up on the list. Congrats on that!!!

beth - I've done that. I've even gone one further by honking at the idiot in front of me for not going on a green...only to find out he's stopped because there is a siren vehicle coming up and I didn't hear it. Doh!

VE said...

kurt - Muse is a band way superior than Death Cab for Cutie...

Giggle Pixie said...

Hmmm...I had no idea that's how our roads here get so many holes in them. Shame on you audio duelers!! lol

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I love this story, but I think you need to throw the next guy off with some Sinatra or something.

VE said...

giggle pixie - Could be worse...I could be walking around with my pants to my knees and wearing crocs on my feet...

prefers her fantasy life - Good idea. Here's what I'll play to the next teenage thumper that pulls up: "Start Spreading the news. I'm crankin' the sound. You're gonna be a part of it you dork, you dork..."

ReformingGeek said...

Got testosterone?

Check.

I wouldn't want to have to clean up the mess after that battle!

Jaime said...

i LOVE stereo wars. unfortunately for me, it always occurs when some truly embarrasing song is on my radio. do you have any idea how painful mariah carey is at full volume with those high notes? it can literally shatter glass!

VE said...

reforminggeek - But it was worth it! ha ha

jaime - That's what is great about having the ipod hooked up. You can quickly select any song for any occasion!

Dalton J. Fox said...

"Knights of Cydonia" is a good song. And nice job putting that young punk in his place.

Megan said...

The gnomes must have been moving pretty fast to get all those bricks in position so quickly.

Janna said...

(**reading through comments**)

Yanni... Sinatra... Sousa... Kenny G...

Yes... those could all work.

Also you could try Southern Gospel, Bagpipes, Pan Flute, Opera, Yodeling, Or the theme to the Dr. Phil show.

I am Arizona; a person, not a place. said...

death-by-decibel

I like that!

Serena said...

You know what's really irritating? To be stuck between dueling sound systems, like the filler in a jam sandwich. Takes a while for my head to quit vibrating.

Maureen said...

"Damn you kids... turn that noise down!"

There. Now I feel better.

I got nauseous just READING about those vibrations...

VE said...

dalton - Damn straight!

megan - The gnomes know when to support me and if it means wreaking havoc somewhere they're more than happy placing the bricks.

janna - You guys are compiling quite a list! Yikes...

arizona - Me too!

serena - Ha! I'd back out really quick or blow them both away with your super-mega ridiculous sound system!

maureen - If you want the ultimate humiliation you have to pay the ultimate stereo price! muh haha!

unfinishedrambler said...

Muse? I'm sooo old that I hadn't even heard of them until recently and now I love them. Thanks for reintroducing me to them...oh, and the stereo war sounds like something I'd try to do but with our little car stereo, it'd be kind of lame.

VE said...

unfinishedrambler - Rule one: Always have the biggest weapon or...run

Quickroute said...

denied by the wife - damn! the power struggle begins!

lime said...

lol, and the superior sound system is trumped by 8 spoken syllables...well that and the power to withhold nookie.

VE said...

quickroute - It is always there...like magnets pushing and pulling...

lime - Withholding nookie...man's achille's heel! Damn...

nursemyra said...

boys boys boys - so competitive. It's a wonder you weren't displaying your cocks at the same time..... (you weren't were you?)

VE said...

nursemyra - I don't need to! ;)

Venom said...

mwahaha... good on ya VE! Teenagers so suck, just like their music.

VE said...

venom - And we were all there thinking we were it at the time too. Ugghh!

Carla said...

I'm surprised you were even able to drive away after that incident.

Starrlight said...

Oh see now THAT is a song that justifies our American need for excess. Muse needs to put out a new album and soon. And then tour. Here in PDX. Like soon.

VE said...

carla - Years of preparing the vehicle for just such a juvinile occasion!

starrlight - Yes they do! I'd be there...

Uncivil said...

Oh gawd...I wish you would have just poured a gallon of gas on him and let him burn in hell!!!!
I hate those bastards!

VE said...

uncivil - I knew you'd appreciate this story what with your love for stereo thumpers...